Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

'Some people find they need all the daily minor contact to keep a meaningful connection, but many people can do it with less constant interaction.'

Yes Towel I think that me at the moment.

He's up very early again tmrw, and sent a pleasant text saying he'd sorted out the planters and asking what Dd and I had ended up doing today. We were talking about making most of sunshine. And asked how she is, also sent a photo of her cat asleep in a funny position.

I was pleased to receive it sent a pleasant reply.

I think I'm going to be hoping for some degree of the odd text. I felt pathetic analysing it like an 18 year old might.

I think he can certainly survive this without the having to check in.

Also, if it makes you feel better, I didn't show much emotion hiding it away in front of my DCs when exH left, but two days after pulled out 4 sets of plates and cutlery on autopilot...collapsed howling, it all came out. DCs were amazing, they had spent time crying before, but seemed relieved I was letting it out and to help me for the moment (they were 6 and 9). Hug your DD and keep your bond when it feels tough!

Prawns

I'm at that stage where I can't settle doing anything like a cat on hot bricks.

Can barely concentrate reading a book.

Out with Dd and her friend today. Still those waves coming over. The text made me feel calmer for a short while. Probably the first pleasant ish one sent since all this began.

I'd love to be the woman he fell very, very much in love with but she's buried under all this hurt somewhere.

You are you. He has closed down!

Blunt

Yes, kind of.

'It's because it's a difficult message for the unhappy one to give and the happy one doesn't wish to hear it, so it results in an eventual explosion.'

' I genuinely believe he will miss you and family life together more than you will, impossible to know for sure and probably doesn't feel that way right now ...'

Who knows, He's the most stubborn person in the world. I used to say his stubbornness was like 'til the death' style. Actually I disliked that about him. He'd got better in recent year though.

Thanks you BTW

Choc

Thank you

The plates thing with your Dc, I bet that was a very poignant moment.

How long did it take for a degree of normality to kick in with them. And you?

Could there be something else going on with him OP? Is he showing any signs of depression?
I'm certainly not one to band the depression word around but it's odd how detached he's become.. especially towards your DD.

I don't think so he said he's 55 not been happy for a long time.

Don't think he's depressed he sleeps well, eating, going to work. He's certainly not had depression before.

i think he is softening a bit.
and things may recover.
when people get older their stubbornness may soften.
but you better have the therapy, still.

He's adamant

I know his mind is made up

Probably the text was a sign of trying to be amicable

Which can only help

Nothing to add Martha but just sending you a hug xx

Amicable can lead to good co-parenting.

It took about 9 months to even begin to feel normal for me, after 18 months things were more stable. My exH wouldn't have DC overnight for first 7 months and I had lots of nastiness to deal with. I feel very much stronger now for coming through it. I didn't want him after an affair, and he was cruel so it may be different in terms of moving on though.

We parent separately rather than coparent his decision but I really think DC miss out due to this. If you can build foundations to coparent and facilitate his relationship with your DD now it should help in the future. Tough when your life is flipped over and he is being cold, but your DD is still very young and needs you both.

You WILL be ok @MarthasGinYard

I promise.

Noticed his age - is he the early retirement type?

Detach yourself emotionally in his presence - looks like he is enjoying punishing you and making you squirm? Don’t give him the pleasure.

Why are you so 100% that there is not an OW in existence - but repeatedly say that you expect him to move on quickly?

Could it be that living the single life with no LTR until the age of 43 and then having a tumultuous emotional family time has made him pine for the single days? The inheritance and early retirement could be his fantasy?

Choc

It must be more difficult to think about being amicable if others are involved.

I'm such a planner have to be with our work schedules.

This day to day stuff is immensely tough.

If we can show a united front for Dd then it will be kinder for her. And surely more pleasant for all of us.

How
Pj

Thank you

Clare

Early retirement wouldn't really be in his plans. He absolutely loves his job and will do it until he can't continue. Of that I'm certain.

No. there is no other woman. Please trust me on this one.

Been reading your thread op and can relate to the detached coldness.
Had this in my life.

Either he's given up and has made his mind up a while ago and what happened was the straw that broke the camels back,so not a massive thing but enough for him to throw his hands in the air and end it,or he's deliberately doing it to see how much you want to be with him and love him.

I've read about it a lot op.
Really try try try the grey rock method even for just a few days.
It will either make him realise you are on the same page and hopefully you can co parent well or he will realise he's pushed too far and will change direction with his actions and words.

The odd nice message from him just when your getting your head around things sends you into a spin. Been there.

I really hope it's not a deliberate act on his part but sounds very familiar.

Grey rock op for a few days. All the time your trying hard and asking regarding doing things together,holiday etc he's seeing a vulnerable side to you. It seems cruel.

Thanks Marbles

I so want that little break to be with DP. Dd said yesterday when we do 'this and that' on holiday with daddy it will be great.

This split he wants is going to require a lot of logistical respect on both sides. If we can show her we can still be friends and do things together than that can only help greatly.

Or perhaps I'm way off the mark

Also don't want to set myself up
For a Big Bang when he says he doesn't want to come.

Oh I just don't know.

So the sleeping tablets are helping

Didn't wake until after 5.

Have just been reading through some links the solicitor has sent me regarding the process.

I really hope we can sort this without any need of the stress and cost of a court room.

You need to pull yourself together for an hour and have a serious discussion with him. Tell him you’re seeing a solicitor and suggest he does the same. Tell him you will not be moving out and to please speak to his solicitor about his options.

Why?

Because you’ve been both avoiding the issue and from what you wrote, I can see how he might think that on this holiday you’re telling your child about the separation and why it’s the perfect time for him to start packing up your stuff.

You need to make things crystal clear to him regarding your legal rights, so you don’t end up coming home from a holiday to find your stuff in boxes and your DD bewildered.

@LazyDaisey do you think he would do that while Martha and DD are away ?

Good that you had a little more sleep @MarthasGinYard .
When are you away ?
The thought that your DD would come home to packed boxes is horrific. Do you think he is capable of that ?

Sorry, it is not a positive post .

Absolutely no Chance of that at all.

We both own property, both on title deeds. As much as I've seen a horrid coldness to him, there is no way on earth that will happen.

Dd and I don't stay in HIS house.

Dd is his dc, I have been his partner for 12 years. be it unmarried. No way on earth he would want to or dare to.

I also won't be arming him with any knowledge of what I've found out at this stage, which is far more positive than I originally thought BTW.

His decision. Let's see what he comes up with. I won't be playing my hand yet. I won't be forcing talks either.