Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

Morning Martha.
Not getting enough sleep can make you feel awful as well.
Have a good day . There are lots of Mumsnetters thinking of you .

I said to him I'd do anything to make this work. His mind is completely made up that is obvious.

Now I'm worried about this holiday etc. All this uncertainty.

Silly things are making me get waves of tears etc.

I feel Dd is on to it and almost being like the adult here. When we went for a walk yesterday she asked him if he was coming always normally does. He said no. I said you welcome to come. He said no again. She says oh maybe daddy is tired from work we will go mummy.

He was slightly kinder last night offered some food, Dd and I did puzzles he didn't want to engage even with her particularly. He did say 'night kids' in a nice manger Dd and I were snuggled on sofa. He had to go to bed early as another early start.

I said good night and drive carefully.

This time last week everything was still normal, I can't believe where we are now.

It's just the wanting to say 'I see your points and I can fix that' but he says it's all too late.

So, so sad.

Thanks Ann

My wake up seems about half 3 but I'm able to nod back off.

I’m sorry OP, I know this has been covered but I actually really think there’s an OW. It just doesn’t really add up. Unless it really was the straw that broke the camels back...I feel wretched for you though.

As for the over the top reaction.

Over the years I have had the odd reason to ask him about things that have caused me to feel anxious. He's not done anything wrong and it must have been horrible to feel questioned. I certainly never checked through phones or anything like that though always just asked a question if I was concerned.

We have had some awful rows over the years, really bad ones although recently hardly any. The school holidays had been fab both getting heaps of time off together with Dd.

We are different people in many ways. He's very, very stubborn quite set in his ways. Finds it hard to laugh at himself.

When we made out wills it was almost as though he didn't wish to leave anything to me. Even though we made mirror wills. I think even the solicitor found it strange.

We never had plans, dreams and I used to comment on this. Like watching property escape type programmes 'ooo if you won the lottery where would you go' he never would say anything much. We never seemed a couple with heaps of hopes and dreams together.

Perhaps if I'd been different over the years he'd have felt differently. I think resentment has built up and he's just gone pop.

Dd is the one I have to concentrate on now.

Martha it’s not you!
It’s him. Don’t put yourself through the torture of ‘if only’
A relationship works for many reasons, and imho one of them is that BOTH of you want it too. You can’t fix this without him wanting to.
Be kind to yourself, you need your strength.

He was suggesting places this week I can take Dd and looking at the weather etc.

He said when she had a moan about something. 'Mummy goes to a lot of effort sorting nice things for you so be have a think about that'

He also kept calling me the pet name he's had for me for all these years. I get that's difficult to stop though.

I asked him last night if he cared. He still does. I'm Dd DM I guess.

I've got to find some stronger coping strategies.

I feel like if I take Dd away on my own I'll have times of being a wreck.

This is when you wish you had one of those big close families where everyone would swoop in and support.

He is being really cruel Martha and I think he knows exactly what he's doing.

Whether or not he's trying to make things normal for DD or not I don't know but it's really unfair on you.

I'm not sure the comments saying it's his fault and he's being cruel are helpful. People have a right to end a relationship if they are unhappy. There is always fault on both sides. The house is clearly a sticking issue here between both parties, pas that though it seems he is trying to make it as easy as possible day to day.

Focusing on how move forward is key, not allocating blame and urging the op to blame him isn't going to help her.

Martha, I've got no words of advice but I want you to know that I, and I'm sure many, many others, am here listening and thinking about you. Once upon a time I needed the support of MN to get through a tough time and I found it so helpful (despite some idiotic responses!)

Sending you big hugs and a hand hold. You are doing brilliantly and you sound like a lovely mum . You partner, regardless of what has gone on, is behaving like a twat.

You are you.
It was OK for years and years.
This is not you OP.
This is him.
There is something else going on here.
So please stop blaming yourself.
You have made many peace offerings.
You have done all you can and he has rejected every suggestion.
Because... there is something else going on with him.

Stop torturing yourself.
Concentrate on moving forward without him in your life.
You can do this.
You will do this.
But it all takes time.
(((((HUGS)))))

Op, I agree with @hellsbellsmelon, this is a total over reaction on his part to what has happened and, unfortunately I think he is taking full opportunity to use this as an excuse to leave you.

Ooops, posted too early. Wanted to say stop torturing yourself and concentrate on making things as easy as possible for you and your dd. This time next year everything will be better and you will wonder why you were ever so gutted. Big hugs and stay strong. You've got this.

Martha, you have really been on my mind since I read your thread.

As I have been there and it really was one of the toughest times. So, I am going to be frank here. As I feel I need to be.

I asked him last night if he cared

Don't ask him things like this. I know its hard and you just want answers, but you are playing into his hands. I would go as far as to say that he is quite enjoying the position he is in.

Perhaps if I'd been different over the years he'd have felt differently

If you were different then you would not have ended up together for all this time. It is you that he made a life with, and he liked you a lot just as you are.

So why should you have changed who you are?. Of course, both parties in a relationship can get complacent, it happens.

But this isn't all you. He is also to blame. So you have to try to understand that it has happened, because of various things, but not all of them are because of what you did or didn't do over the years. If it was really that awful all this time OP, he would have left a long time ago.

I am sorry to copy and paste some of what you said, i wasn't intending on dissecting your comments. Just these things stood out at me, and I just wanted to comment, maybe you can have a think about what I am trying to get across even though I may not have worded it well.

It seems like he is getting to sulk and grieve the relationship and doesn't seem to be wanting to communicate, but then you are there just trying to keep some normality going, but also trying to make some sense of everything.

I think just you and dd getting away is the best thing right now. Then you are away from the house, the situation and the tension that must be horrendous, and maybe things will seem a little clearer from the outside.

what kind of family does he come from?
is it a type the material things are dealt the way he does?

l've been following this post, @MarthasGinYard, and l feel for all of you of you.

lt looks to me that he's the kind of person who can compartmentalise things. My ex used to do that. Whatever's going on, they can put it in a mental box and carry on as normal, or near normal.

l may be wrong, but it also seems to me that maybe he has a hidden agenda and he's using this as an excuse to split up. Maybe you shouldn't have snooped, but this seems a huge over-reaction. l can understand it causing a row and maybe a few days of being pissed off, but seriously, after 12 years, unless there's another back story here that you haven't told us about, it seems very odd.

Of course everyone has problems in their relationships (especially long term ones like yours, that's human beings for you) but him saying he's "looking forward to being on his own", assuming he means permanently, just doesn't ring true with me. Either he's been very unhappy for a very long time, or he's got something or someone else going on.

l'm afraid l don't have any answers. Take things an hour at a time, and don't make plans besides getting things in order and looking after yourself and your daughter. lf he's choosing to be arsey with you in front of your daughter, that's not on - none of this is her fault, and he should be a decent dad and keep things as civil and normal as possible when she's there.

Go on your holiday with the little one and take a friend (even for a day or two if you can). Try to focus on her and your time together, and don't even think of suggesting you split the time with him. lf he wants to take (what he considers to be) your 'unreasonable' behaviour out on your child, albeit indirectly, that's down to him - how he chooses to behave is entirely down to him.

Get legal advice, get your affairs and finances in order, and above all - please, do not discuss it with him. lf you have to share the house with him til things are sorted out, do it. lt isn't easy (l've done it) but you have as much right (with your daughter) as he has to live there - don't let him coerce you into leaving. He also has the right to be there, but he needs to appreciate that his problem is with you, and it should affect your child as little as possible until things are resolved.

l wish you well, l know this is very difficult and things seem very confused and bleak just now. But things will get better with time, and the main thing is that your child knows that her parents love her. x

Thank you so much all

So many valid points

I think he does 'pop things in boxes' and then the box has kind of exploded.

He comes from quite a strange background boarding schools, family troubles and is certainly someone who is very comfortable in his own company.

Most unmaterial person that I've ever met. Part of the initial attraction.

I'm still so shocked how detached and unemotional he sounded when discussing our Dd not living with him.

So sad about that

He's a survivor In life he'll be fine.

'Either he's been very unhappy for a very long time, '

He must have been

'Either he's been very unhappy for a very long time,'
Focus on the OR in that sentence, not this bit.
If he had been unhappy for a long time then he could have left.
He gave you no indication he was unhappy.
Stop focusing on that.
He has another motive / agenda here.
It will rear it's ugly head in the near future.

I guess we had rows in the past and he'd say he wasn't happy.

I should have taken more notice

Some people don't show the emotion. It doesn't mean it isn't there. Chances are he has been thinking for a while about how he would maintain his relationship with DD when he lives separately, perhaps he is comfortable with whatever plan he has for quality time with her. After all, our children always move away one day and we have to find ways to keep the connection alive.

Some people find they need all the daily minor contact to keep a meaningful connection, but many people can do it with less constant interaction. He has experience with boarding school so he may understand how to make it work for him and DD.

The best thing you can do right now is detach from him & know it sounds cliche but immerse yourself in some passions & new pursuits ! Go visit museums, parks, ride bikes, read, go to the pub with friends for a meal & just treat yourself ! I do think if there was once true passion it can be reignited if you be the confident person you once were, or if you never have felt that way then now is the time to explore those reasons & mental blocks stopping you from finding inner peace/authentic self

I guess we had rows in the past and he'd say he wasn't happy

I think this is quite common. One person says something and the other doesnt hear it. They pay no notice as they don't think it's serious
And then the unhappy person simply explodes. And thinks they did tell you but you didn't hear them.

I think you've probably behaved quite normally here. It's because it's a difficult message for the unhappy one to give and the happy one doesn't wish to hear it, so it results in an eventual explosion.

I've read the thread and this is obviously a horrible and unsettling time for you 💐

FWIW though in the long run I genuinely believe he will miss you and family life together more than you will, impossible to know for sure and probably doesn't feel that way right now ... but I really do feel long term you will be fine, happy, certainly happier than you expect.

You & your DD have a wonderful future ahead, it will take a bit of time to see it but carry on being brave and only good things await. X

You can never be in his head and see how he processes things. Some of the things you have said about muted emotions and his self-sufficiency make me wonder if he is slightly on a spectrum or just very practically-minded making it more black and white and less emotive for him.

Leave him to be him and prioritise DD and you. BTW it's fine for her to see you show emotions of grief, at some point it will hit her and you will need to show that expressing pain and talking openly is right (age appropriate and with reassurance she is loved).