Family betrayal?

[MamaBearfor3]

This is my first time on this forum and I am on here purely for support and honest answers from other mums etc on a very distressing subject 😔 I am going to keep this as concise as possible and free from my/my family's personal views and negative feelings as possible, giving just the ones that matter.
I have a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful girls.
In 2011 we found out my husband's uncle/godfather (his mum's brother, I'll refer to him as K later) had sexually abused at least 2 of our girls. We took him to court, he was found guilty, sentenced to 10 months imprisonment, served only 3. The family ostracized him bar one member who is mentally challenged and doesn't comprehend what he did and is easily manipulated.
Turned out this was a family trend so the other brother and father were also ostracized by my husband's immediate family. My MIL chose to not attend their funerals but met K at a niece's funeral.
After this his name came up frequently so my hubby asked her outright if she was speaking to him. The answer was yes and she'd continue to. He said he was angry but she probably couldn't be stopped and she said she understood but wouldn't be.
Our girls were quiet (now 18,14 and 12) but when we got home they were crying, hurt, angry and felt betrayed. I was in the same boat but couldn't get past the numb shock that had set in at her revelation.
The girls said they didn't want to visit Granny anymore. We completely understood. Hubby eventually messaged her and told her how upset her granddaughters were and she said it wasn't her intention. No apology, message, text or call to any one of the girls.
A week passes and hubby gets a message from his elder bro asking what's going on. He calls his bro and is shocked his mum has told him we're using the girls to punish her for speaking to K. My husband blew up! She was telling lies! The girls made their choice. His bro asked how long can you punish him and hubby said my girls deal with this every day, it doesn't go away, put yourself in our shoes. If it were your kids what would you do? Answer...he'd be dead already.
Then he calls his mum. It was lengthy but her points are...
...how long can you punish him?
...I lost time with my other brother and dad but K is dying (from Parkinson's!!! Eh NO!), he's my bro and want to be there for him
...he's been in their house 3 times since the funeral and will be again (!!!)
...the girls have to move on from what happened (!!!)
...she doesn't think she should have to chose
...she understands that if she insists on speaking to and seeing K she won't see any of us again (apparently our girls are their favourites)
...his dad/her husband and their grandfather is supporting her choice
...she insists someone out there will completely understand and support her point of view.

We have spoken to people who mainly have some form of familial/emotional relationship with us and our girls but I feel I need to reach out to an 'impartial' and independent group. The full majority consensus so far is to cut them out our lives, the girls emotional and mental wellbeing comes first and we wholeheartedly agree. Our girls will ALWAYS come first! But if you knew my IN LAWS you'd understand why I am ensuring I have asked a neutral party.

So, since her paedophile brother who abused HER grandchildren has been put first, spoken with and entertained under their sayso, are we right to cut them out for the sake of our girls...
...or are we being unreasonable and should let her do what she wants regardless the effect on our girls and us?

Thank you in advance for reading this, apologies for any distress, upset or offense.

I won't lie. I strongly hope the majority back our choice but will read any objective comments.

I would cut her out and never speak to her again.Her having contact with him and taking this attitude would be unforgivable to me.Your poor husband,I can’t understand a mother who would do this to her children and grandchildren.

Absolutely right to cut out and be done with them. Not low contact, but zero, nothing. Your children's welfare comes first. Your poor husband.

Posted too soon. Your poor girls too and im glad they have been so strong and courageous. I have been in their shoes though not by a family member. Your decision is the right one, your girls come first.

OP - how terrible for you all - and for your MIL to chose an abuser over her grandchildren is unbelievable.

Of course you are right - the idea that you would try to 'persuade' your girls to visit someone who has maintained contact with their abuser is unthinkable. It must be your girls prioritised all the time.

So very sorry for you all and hoping that the coming weeks are not too painful - you are doing the right thing.

You are absolutely right to cut them out and I'd do the same! Your girls will always come first and they need to see that from you both.

If they'd rather have the paedophile in their lives then that is up to them, they know the options and they made their choice

I too would cut her out. It's her choice, you stand by your girls.

No Contact with MIL / grandmother.

Yes 100% cease contact. She doesn’t deserve any of you in her life. This is the ultimate betrayal a mother and grandmother could make. She has let down her son and her granddaughters terribly. If any extended family question the decision just keep it very concise “she sided with a paedophile who abused your daughters you can’t condone or support that” anyone who argues with that or needs any further explanation is worth your time either.

*isn't worth

For me, that would mean the end of any contact whatsoever.

It’s time to cut MIL and anyone who supports her actions out. Your girls must know that this is serious and that their feelings are valid. Sorry you’re dealing with this Op I can’t begin to imagine how awful
It must be. You sound so strong

Nope. No contact.
3 months imprisonment is a joke but even if he'd served longer, your girls have a life sentence.
Your MIL has picked a side. Unbelievably it is not her son's or granddaughters. Your FIL is colluding with her/enabling.
Just no.
And furthermore if I was your husband's flying monkey brother I'd be wondering what the fuck she was thinking too.
The only part I am confused about is your parent-in-law's decision to cut off contact with her father and other brother unless they were forced by them to pick a side/draw lines in the sand. Did the great grandfather try to support his paedo son when he came out of prison? That one is slightly easier to understand. The other brother is also a mystery - was he the father of her deceased niece. Has the funeral triggered guilt?
For me, it's not fathomable - you choose your kids. Every time.
Kids>siblings>parents>grandparents
They have chosen a dying pervert sibling over their own children. I can't even.

she doesn't think she should have to chose

But she has chosen. She chose the man who chose to abuse your girls. And now she thinks it's time your girls "moved on"? Your MiL has betrayed her own granddaughters and she cannot be trusted with them. And that's her choice, so let her live with it - as far away from your girls as possible.

Your poor daughters. This is a double betrayal for them. This is heartbreaking. 💐

Things to be clear about:

You are not punishing K. He has been tried, sentenced and punished by law.

You are not making her choose between family, it’s her brother who’s put everyone in this situation.

Your CHILDREN have been sexually abused. Moreover abused by family. Abused by someone they were entitled to trust. This is not something to ‘get over’ just like that.

There will be people who understand her opinions. Paedophiles and their supporters.

Given what you’ve said I would cut them all out of my lives without a second thought.

OP, your MIL is actively supporting the paedophile. NC with her, she chose her DB over her DGD’s . A
According to your despicable MIL you should continue sending your girls(victims) to her house where they could “bump” into their perpetrator? To allow further abuse?
Unforgivable and anybody who tries to tell you otherwise or make excuse can get to fuck.
So sorry OP, stand up for your girls

Out out out, cut them all out. She's happy to share a cup of tea and a chat with a man who abused her own grandchildren. She's vile. Bye bye MIL.

Cut. Them. Out!
Don’t hesitate, your children come first and you are completely right in having no more contact with them all.

Absolutely cut contact. Her "justifications" are vile.

What a horrible situation! Your poor girls! You are absolutely right to cut all contact. Of course you make a choice at that point, if you find out ANYONE you know is a sexual predator you cut them off. Your in-laws have made a disgusting choice and it’s unforgivable. I’d be inclined to send her some literature on the effects of abuse too. Don’t bother justifying yourselves to anyone, you are doing the right thing and supporting your children.

I hate to say it. But if someone said the girls should just “move on” I would strongly suspect they had also been abused and had themselves thought they had “moved on” so they have almost a worst comprehension of it. The I dealt with it, and moved on, why can’t you. Attitude.

In any case that’s by the by. But might explain the attitude.

100% cut them out of your lives.

How awful that you have to make this decision though.

She’s a vile woman.

My thoughts were immediately same as @Watchingthyme

I have seen this time and time again. People who should know better making excuses because they are inured to it and no-one protected them.

But yes, no contact is 100% the right thing to do. You cannot let them see her/ her them. Otherwise you risk perpetuating the cycle for another generation.

@RageAgainstTheVendingMachine... sorry, I'll try to make it clearer. It appears I married into a family of abusers! Once we realised what happened with our girls we found out that...
...the father and 2 bros actively abused at least 2, possibly 3 of their sisters (2 girls from her dad's 1st marriage and 3 girls and 2 boys with his 2nd wife/MIL's mum). They did it as a group of 2 and 3. The eldest started bed wetting on engagement so they'd leave her alone up until she left to be married (!!!) She sadly passed years ago.
The mentally challenged sister was the other abused sibling. My MIL said she was abused by the now deceased bro but her mother didn't believe her and thus went on for 7 years apparently.
When it came out about K the father wanted to deal with it which we later found out meant 'brush it under the carpet', he fell out with my in laws and they refused to see either again. The family was very much divided but recently she resumed contact with her sisters, 4 nieces and unfortunately K. It seems K has abused his ex wife, at least one child from that marriage, raped women and there are signs in our youngest he has abused her too but her brain has blocked out 'who/where/what/why/when'.
The now deceased father appears to have abused his female grandchildren also.

This was all a huge shock to me and my husband and unfortunately his parents willingly let 4 separate paedophiles into their home when their 4 boys were young (hubby is 1 of 4 boys) and have no idea my beautiful man was abused 😥 He won't tell them because he said his mum would make it all about her.
She's an extremely selfish person and everything has to be all about her. I could tell you some horror stories from my hubby's childhood but I'm not here for that.

The sad fact is, my husband might lose contact with his brothers because of this. For some reason they seem to side with her even when it's morally wrong 😔

My poor babies have been having nightmares and insomnia again since learning of her speaking to him.
His mother even said she considered lying to us about it but didn't want us to find out from another party. How noble! 🤨
Now she targets us daily on social media posting memes about how she can make her own choices and doesn't have to explain herself to anyone! She knows our girls see that! They're not stupid either. They know the implications of the posts.

Thank you for your very candid and honest responses. This is so difficult but it's clear to see we're making the right choice.

I'm so sorry about all of this.

I 100% agree with you, I would cut someone out of my life without a second thought, it's making me upset just thinking about it I can't imagine how awful you and your daughters must feel.