Family betrayal?

[MamaBearfor3]

This is my first time on this forum and I am on here purely for support and honest answers from other mums etc on a very distressing subject 😔 I am going to keep this as concise as possible and free from my/my family's personal views and negative feelings as possible, giving just the ones that matter.
I have a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful girls.
In 2011 we found out my husband's uncle/godfather (his mum's brother, I'll refer to him as K later) had sexually abused at least 2 of our girls. We took him to court, he was found guilty, sentenced to 10 months imprisonment, served only 3. The family ostracized him bar one member who is mentally challenged and doesn't comprehend what he did and is easily manipulated.
Turned out this was a family trend so the other brother and father were also ostracized by my husband's immediate family. My MIL chose to not attend their funerals but met K at a niece's funeral.
After this his name came up frequently so my hubby asked her outright if she was speaking to him. The answer was yes and she'd continue to. He said he was angry but she probably couldn't be stopped and she said she understood but wouldn't be.
Our girls were quiet (now 18,14 and 12) but when we got home they were crying, hurt, angry and felt betrayed. I was in the same boat but couldn't get past the numb shock that had set in at her revelation.
The girls said they didn't want to visit Granny anymore. We completely understood. Hubby eventually messaged her and told her how upset her granddaughters were and she said it wasn't her intention. No apology, message, text or call to any one of the girls.
A week passes and hubby gets a message from his elder bro asking what's going on. He calls his bro and is shocked his mum has told him we're using the girls to punish her for speaking to K. My husband blew up! She was telling lies! The girls made their choice. His bro asked how long can you punish him and hubby said my girls deal with this every day, it doesn't go away, put yourself in our shoes. If it were your kids what would you do? Answer...he'd be dead already.
Then he calls his mum. It was lengthy but her points are...
...how long can you punish him?
...I lost time with my other brother and dad but K is dying (from Parkinson's!!! Eh NO!), he's my bro and want to be there for him
...he's been in their house 3 times since the funeral and will be again (!!!)
...the girls have to move on from what happened (!!!)
...she doesn't think she should have to chose
...she understands that if she insists on speaking to and seeing K she won't see any of us again (apparently our girls are their favourites)
...his dad/her husband and their grandfather is supporting her choice
...she insists someone out there will completely understand and support her point of view.

We have spoken to people who mainly have some form of familial/emotional relationship with us and our girls but I feel I need to reach out to an 'impartial' and independent group. The full majority consensus so far is to cut them out our lives, the girls emotional and mental wellbeing comes first and we wholeheartedly agree. Our girls will ALWAYS come first! But if you knew my IN LAWS you'd understand why I am ensuring I have asked a neutral party.

So, since her paedophile brother who abused HER grandchildren has been put first, spoken with and entertained under their sayso, are we right to cut them out for the sake of our girls...
...or are we being unreasonable and should let her do what she wants regardless the effect on our girls and us?

Thank you in advance for reading this, apologies for any distress, upset or offense.

I won't lie. I strongly hope the majority back our choice but will read any objective comments.

Well, she’s a person, both you, your hubby and especially your daughters do not need in their life.
I am sorry that this happened, full stop.
I am sure that your girls are only a well as they are now because you have ensured their well being and they feel loved.

My MIL is also a narcissistic enabler that can see no wrong in ‘her’ family. And as always, blood is thicker than water.

Her behaviour says nothing about you and yours girls and everything about her.

Be proud that you are strong enough to know the difference and walk away.

They are totally dysfunctional. You won’t get an ounce of sense from them. You need to walk away. I feel your pain. I’ve been there. It is shit.

Oh op this whole situation is horrifying. Your poor girls. Your poor husband. And you. My god it’s just awful. Your Mil is a fucking bitch. Absolutely cut her out.

I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry for all you’ve suffered.

MamaBear, that's terrible. Your poor girls, your poor DH - no wonder you are reeling.

You know what you and your DH need to do now. Cut them all out, the whole lot of them. Ignore MiL. Block her on your phone, social media, the lot. She knew, the vile woman, she knew the risk to your girls at the time. Now she is trying to brush it all under the carpet because she can't bring herself to face up to what she did.

I am angry on your behalf OP!
Protect your girls from this vile woman.
She's a bloody disgrace and she has lost the right to be a grandmother to your DDs and has no right whatsoever to think she can dictate any terms. She sounds absolutely awful.
You definitely need to cut all contact with her and any other member of the family who thinks any of her behaviour is ok.
Your daughters. you and DH deserve to get your life back without these vile people in it.

Dear God, nog only is she siding with K but she most likely knew what he would do.

Cut them off and feel no guilt about it at all. Your girls are aware of the situation with their nan and they need to know loud and clear that they are the only important people in this sorry situation.

Have nothing more to do with them. I wish you the best xx

Oh OP, your poor little girls and poor DH.It sounds very much like your MIL has grown up in a family where it was normal for children to be sexually abused (it is clear that she was sexually abused by her Father and likely Uncles and then allowed them to sexually abuse her own children and grandchildren). She has likely normalised it so much that she can’t understand why your daughters are not just accepting what happened as normal, like she did.

Did your husband know his Grandfather and Uncles were paedophiles? Was it his family members who abused him as a child? I’m very concerned that there appears to be a paedophile ring surrounding this family- is it possible your MIL arranged/ facilitated the abuse of both your husband and your daughters?

It’s just better for everyone that you end this cycle now. No more contract ever.

I feel deeply sorry for all those members of that family. I really do. Including the abusers, but I might get shot down for that.

What a bunch of evil bastards, and your MIL is as bad for supporting them.

You focus on your DH and your girls - the rest of them can go to hell.

It will be so important for them that both now and in the years ahead, they see that you put them and their wellbeing ahead of anyone - and I wish you well in supporting your family. I know it's not easy.

You are making the right choice.
Interestingly another poster spotted your MIL's abuse from her 'you have to move on' statement. That she put her own child(ren) at risk by the same abusers is beyond me. I don't understand it.
I do not know whether the remaining pervert has any hold over her or abused her or not or whether your husband's brothers were also abused but none of that is relevant - what is relevant is safeguarding for the future. Which means no contact.
If they wish to see their flying monkey uncle or cousins, that's a call for you and DH to make - given he said he would kill had anything happened to his own (how does he know it didn't?) he shuld understand your position. If he doesn't, that's on him.
None of it sounds remotely functional. So safeguard your DDS and social services would be saying the same thing.

Your MIL is clearly a very dangerous woman, as is everyone who supports her! Anyone with sympathies to a man who has sexually abused children in the family is likely that way inclined themselves or believe that it is ok for children to be sexually abused. Either way every one of then needs to be blocked completely and prevented from having ANY contact with your brave girls! I am so sorry they were let down by the courts, three months in jail is an appalling sentence, the sexual abuse of children should warrant the same sentence as murder- it’s a life sentence to the victims so the very least the evil abusers deserve is life in prison!

@ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser.
We only found out about all the abuse AFTER what K did to our girls.
As for my husband, that was an unrelated member. She actually speaks about how she had 4 known 'paedos' in their home and how they were lucky with four boys they weren't touched...but one was 😔

Please cut them out.

My mother has continued to speak to, talk about and entertain in her home my eldest brother, who sexually abused me and one of my other brothers. I can't tell you how much this betrayal hurts. It's almost worse than the original act of abuse.

I do speak to her still (although obviously not my eldest brother) and she recently asked "But you're over all that now aren't you?" and was shocked to hear that although I don't suffer, per se, it is and always be part of my psyche.

My father, on the other hand, cut my brother out completely. He even disinherited him, such was his disgust and show of support. My gratitude to him for that knows no bounds. Your girls will feel the same.

Your MIL can make her choice. So can you, and your girls.

I very much doubt it was only one boy that’s was touched.
No one is that lucky

I think your MIL knew fine well the paedophilic intentions of her brothers and Father! Were the girls in her care when they were abused?

Without a doubt go full no contact and don't look back. Block them all on social media. How awful that shes accepting of it all. Evil woman. I'm speechless.

Cut her out. Your girls need to know you have their back.

Didn’t even have social media. You need to have no ability for them to contact you. I’m surprised you do atm.

It's a scary but viable thought! My hubby has taken decades to be able to at least try to deal with his abuse. It's never going to leave him, nor our girls, but from the second we found out we've fought hard for them and protected them, held them, talked with them, told them how strong they are supported them through the difficulties it's caused and will continue to cause.

I truly hope none of his brothers suffered but seeing as they went out on day trips ALONE with these men on separate occasions it could be all too true! Might even explain the rather immature and cruel behaviour of his older brother 🤔

No contact with the in-laws any who are trying to push you into accepting MILs actions or views! It feels like a loose but it really isn’t they are toxic!

Remove them from social media especially for the girls!

Focus on your family! Are the girls/you as a family getting any support in processing all of this? I strongly recommend seeking some if not already. It’s a massive betrayal which on top of what has happened is understandably going to open lots of wounds.

You can’t change the past, you can’t change people but you can change the future of your immediate family! Focus on that, focus on the things you can control and continue to do what you already are and support your girls! Good luck

I think we were keeping social media open to keep an eye on her and to keep avenues of apology open but I think I'm waiting to see honey come from sh*t 😕

I'm overwhelmed! Thank you very much for your messages of support, advice and for showing me that my husband and I are right! I've purposely avoided contact and interaction with her because she would twist anything I say and tell lies. She's itching to blame this on me and even implied it was my husband's fault because he asked her about K infront of the girls! Eh, you brought him up first! More than once!

I’d probably visit MIL myself, one last time. I’d force myself to leave her with a couple of graphic mind-pictures of what the abuse entailed. Something strong enough to pop into her mind every time she saw K into the future. I’d feel free to tell her that her own old age and funeral were going to be pretty lonely affairs, and there was no coming back from this. Her legacy was going to be a hair’s breadth from those of these revolting men.

People are endlessly able to block out or minimise ‘uncomfortable’ facts. I’m happy to remind them. They are not making ‘a choice’. They make seperate new choices with every contact.

For yourselves, consider a couple of sessions of family therapy? Not over the abuse (I assume that’s in hand already) but to facilitate closure and the end of these family relationships. Even with the best reasons, and effectively no choice, it’s hard to process a total No Contact future. Let an expert guide you, and frame it as a positive- a new beginning of honesty, unconditional love, strong boundaries and ultimately a chance to heal and make better family traditions and memories.

That is certainly worth considering! It is a huge decision to make but I think for all the right reasons. Even so, it's not something you ever expect to have to do. I will certainly look into that.

This is not a joke, not something to twiddle thumbs over, discuss, analyse and explain. You go no contact, no if buts maybes or considerations. MILs behaviour is the exact behaviour that has enabled this families history to be a whole thing. It is disgusting and you need to remove yourself from it. If you 'lose' family then that's on them. Your daughters come first. And this is from someone who was abused by a family member and was never believed or supported. This is "scorched earth" territory. Treat is as such