Family betrayal?

[MamaBearfor3]

This is my first time on this forum and I am on here purely for support and honest answers from other mums etc on a very distressing subject 😔 I am going to keep this as concise as possible and free from my/my family's personal views and negative feelings as possible, giving just the ones that matter.
I have a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful girls.
In 2011 we found out my husband's uncle/godfather (his mum's brother, I'll refer to him as K later) had sexually abused at least 2 of our girls. We took him to court, he was found guilty, sentenced to 10 months imprisonment, served only 3. The family ostracized him bar one member who is mentally challenged and doesn't comprehend what he did and is easily manipulated.
Turned out this was a family trend so the other brother and father were also ostracized by my husband's immediate family. My MIL chose to not attend their funerals but met K at a niece's funeral.
After this his name came up frequently so my hubby asked her outright if she was speaking to him. The answer was yes and she'd continue to. He said he was angry but she probably couldn't be stopped and she said she understood but wouldn't be.
Our girls were quiet (now 18,14 and 12) but when we got home they were crying, hurt, angry and felt betrayed. I was in the same boat but couldn't get past the numb shock that had set in at her revelation.
The girls said they didn't want to visit Granny anymore. We completely understood. Hubby eventually messaged her and told her how upset her granddaughters were and she said it wasn't her intention. No apology, message, text or call to any one of the girls.
A week passes and hubby gets a message from his elder bro asking what's going on. He calls his bro and is shocked his mum has told him we're using the girls to punish her for speaking to K. My husband blew up! She was telling lies! The girls made their choice. His bro asked how long can you punish him and hubby said my girls deal with this every day, it doesn't go away, put yourself in our shoes. If it were your kids what would you do? Answer...he'd be dead already.
Then he calls his mum. It was lengthy but her points are...
...how long can you punish him?
...I lost time with my other brother and dad but K is dying (from Parkinson's!!! Eh NO!), he's my bro and want to be there for him
...he's been in their house 3 times since the funeral and will be again (!!!)
...the girls have to move on from what happened (!!!)
...she doesn't think she should have to chose
...she understands that if she insists on speaking to and seeing K she won't see any of us again (apparently our girls are their favourites)
...his dad/her husband and their grandfather is supporting her choice
...she insists someone out there will completely understand and support her point of view.

We have spoken to people who mainly have some form of familial/emotional relationship with us and our girls but I feel I need to reach out to an 'impartial' and independent group. The full majority consensus so far is to cut them out our lives, the girls emotional and mental wellbeing comes first and we wholeheartedly agree. Our girls will ALWAYS come first! But if you knew my IN LAWS you'd understand why I am ensuring I have asked a neutral party.

So, since her paedophile brother who abused HER grandchildren has been put first, spoken with and entertained under their sayso, are we right to cut them out for the sake of our girls...
...or are we being unreasonable and should let her do what she wants regardless the effect on our girls and us?

Thank you in advance for reading this, apologies for any distress, upset or offense.

I won't lie. I strongly hope the majority back our choice but will read any objective comments.

Does your BIL's fiancee know the kind of family she is marrying into and that her future husband can brush off the behaviour of a pedophile who preyed on his nieces? Because this is the kind of thing I would really, really want to know before I said 'I do'. OP, you are going the right thing - cut out everyone from this family who enable this abuser in any way. Your daughters come first and your DH, poor man. This family sounds seriously messed up.

When it came out that one of my dc had abused another I went nc immediately..
Much harder situation than your mil but an easy decision to make. There really wasn't another option.
Your mil needs blocking in all ways. And any of the people associated with her and the abuser too.
You sound like you have supported your dd's immensely. Apparently we should have been offered family therapy but weren't. Maybe an option for you?
Regards.

When it came out that one of my dc had abused another I went nc immediately

NC that was the situation in my family. When I went looking for safe havens when it all came out my F prioritised his son and my M asked me not to speak about it again because they were victims too. It took me 10 years to put away from them but another victim came out and the same shit happened. I will never ever speak to them again. They live around the corner and we avoid each other at all costs. I mostly forgive but I will never trust them ever again.

Your response would have been my dream come true.

No contact. You sound like a wonderful mum who will always put her dcs first. This has absolutely horrified and sickened me, the culture of silence in abuse just enables it. They are appalling, your mil is unbelievable. Look after your DH and DCS and stay away from this messed up twisted family. your girls need to understand how amazingly brave they are, they spoke out. Good luck to you all.

Considering the familt history I would assume that anyone saying it's OK is either abusive themselves or is willing to enable abuse.

You are kinder than me. Also less worried about other children than I would be. I'd have responded to her social media shite publicly saying her choice is to hang out with a convicted paedophile so she can fuck off. I'd not go near the wedding and I'd tell everyone it's because an apologist for paedophilia wants your child to be their chief bridesmaid. Fuck off. Tell everyone. No child, family, neighbour, randomer in the park, should be anywhere anyone in that family.

I can see why you help cover it up, you might not want everybody to know your children were subjected to CSA and they may prefer to keep it private too. Still, you are helping them cover it up.

I feel awful for you, and deep sympathy even though it may not sound that way, but I think you've all been groomed so heavily that simply blocking seems like a big reaction when in fact it is fuck all reaction. Selling your story to the papers with lots of photos of the extended family would be a big reaction.

I hope you can show your girls that none of this is actually a hard decision for you. I hope they aren't seeing any of your hand wringing.

Zero contact, right now, this very minute.

Counselling or therapy for your children and you as a family unit and move on slightly lighter knowing you don’t need to deal with their (at best) misguided allegiances.

@TowelNumber42...I can assure you my husband and I have not been groomed. Our girls are entitled to their privacy on the matter. It's their story to tell and it's not for everyone to know in our circle. It was traumatic enough for them the first few times around.
We don't think blocking them is necessarily a big reaction but a very definite one we are not taking lightly. We believe it is the right thing to do but for the benefit of my MIL I have put it out in there to see for sure that she couldn't be more wrong!

I'm/we're not handwringing. We discuss it openly with our girls, they've been told everything and read all these comments too. They have made their decision off their own backs. We are ready to follow suit but the response from everyone on here has been reassuring.

We are most certainly not helping cover anything up and there are many who know what he was and is but did nothing. We however did do something but we will protect our girls to the end and if that means not publicising their ordeal openly, we won't.

Not only would I go absolutely zero contact but I'd give her one hell of a dressing down before that. She is condoning his behaviour, her words may say contrary, but her actions say that she finds his behaviour acceptable. I don't even have kids and I'm raging for you.

My father in law cut his brother off when he was found guilty of sex offences against his own children. The rest of the family then cut my father in law off for NC ing his molesting brother! Fil states he feels he did the right thing and has no regrets.

Towel how can you say that Mama is being complicit in all of this? That is a shocking thing to say!
Just because you would do something a different way doesn't mean the other person is wrong.
We all have different ways of doing things.
For what it's worth there is no way on earth that I would want my childhood abuse to be common knowledge & in the papers.

"Selling your story to the papers with lots of photos of the extended family would be a big reaction."

Jesus this is absolutely terrible advice.

Not to mention that victims of sexual abuse have anonymity by law and need to consent to waiving it - the victims are children!!! They can't consent to waiving their anonymity so no newspaper would touch your crackpot idea anyway.

What planet is someone on when they want to put children who are not capable of consent through an ordeal like this? Your suggestion is downright abusive (not to mention crackers).

Lazydaisies I'm in the same boat as you - they sided with my rapist brother. I'm n/c with them all although my crackpot mother insists on sending emails now and again demanding to know why I want nothing to do with her and writes long gushing cards to my DC who will be nowhere near her, her pervy husband or her rapist son ever ever ever.

I didn't actually mean sell the story, I was giving an example of what would be an extreme reaction.

I do believe the behaviours in the wider family is a sign of still being in the mindset of hiding the truth to protect the image of the family. Obviously OP has taken much bigger steps than anyone and should be commended. It can be helpful to people to realise there is still a part of them trapped in the dynamic of protecting people from suspicion. You have to see it to break out of it.

I think she's demonstrated her understanding of the family dynamics quite admirably throughout the thread towelnumber42 now why don't you take your hyperbole and victim bashing elsewhere.

I actually could not believe this that a grandmother would do that to her grandchildren. really sorry for what your girls have been through if that was my brother I would want to kill him myself let alone ever speak to him again. it really is a huge betrayal to your daughters if that's her choice to speak to her paedophiles brother who have left ure daughters with trauma for the rest of your life f*ck her I would never have anything to do with her again shame for your daughters if they had a good relationship with their gran xx

suspect MIL has also been abused and her, totally unacceptable, reaction is, in part, her not dealing with it.

You sound like great, supportive parents OP your girls will remember your decision to cut off MIL and any other enablers for the rest of their lives and be thankful for it.

Thank you all for your input.

We have all blocked both grandparents on any of our social media outlets and quite frankly don't feel guilt or regret at all.

My parents have been our rock and check in everyday to ask after my husband and and the girls knowing how hard this is. They are wonderful with my husband and children and would never dream of treating their grandchildren like this. We have a fantastically supportive family and friendship circle on my side so we have a great support network.

We never thought it would come to this even though over the years MIL in particular has caused lots of trouble. There were some things we just thought she'd never do. Guess we were wrong. We can only move forward now and continue to support and love our girls while they endeavour to heal as best they can but know there will always be scars. Our girls are so strong though and growing to be amazing young women who make us very proud. They're grandparents are no longer going to be able to hold them back or bring them down.

Thank you all very much from my husband and I

Wishing you all the very best OP. I'm 15 or so years on from where your daughters are and the unquestioning loving support of those close to you is vital for healing from this kind of trauma.

They will be dealing with this in one way or another for the rest of their lives but it sounds like they have great courage and wonderful parents/grandparents on your side to help them on the way

Well done for being such a strong and connected unit. For protecting your girl’s interests and needs as your first priority, and for actually trusting them to have the intelligence and sense to include them in these discussions and to ask them wheat they wanted here, instead of leaving them to hear whispers, notice the absence and wonder why. You can hold your head high and count yourselves as decent human beings.

@MamaBearfor3 your support of your daughters is just the best. Responses to this post should leave you with no doubt of that which is great, good old mumsnet.

It sounds to me that you will all have a happier life without contact from MIL and other apologists. From experience, NC seems like such a big step until you take the plunge then over time you realise what you are not missing and what you have gained - which is more time for your family with healthy loving people and less drama.

That's a great update MamaBear
You have dealt with a difficult issue so well - it's very hard saying no to family members but you're giving your daughters a useful life lesson.

Sending to you all.

Ultimately Mama I think this is the right thing for your daughters. After my trauma I was looking to find “safe” people. Your daughters will know they have them in their parents and not in their grandmother/uncles. This is important for them. It is deeply unfair but the harsh reality is this level of dysfunction is inter generational and you have stopped it dead in its tracks.

Absolutely cut her out!

This has made me so angry on behalf of you and your girls.

You and your dh sound like amazing parents - you're lucky to have each other and to be on the same page.

My mum's brother is also a paedophile and of course, being a narcissist, there's no question of her cutting him off. I think these women see paedophilia as being like leprosy in the bible or something - they earn brownie points with god by showing them compassion. Or something.

I think given that you're both on the same page, cutting your parents out is the only sane thing to do. You don't want your girls growing up thinking this is what happens when they speak out.