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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family betrayal?

159 replies

MamaBearfor3 · 08/08/2019 22:48

This is my first time on this forum and I am on here purely for support and honest answers from other mums etc on a very distressing subject 😔 I am going to keep this as concise as possible and free from my/my family's personal views and negative feelings as possible, giving just the ones that matter.
I have a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful girls.
In 2011 we found out my husband's uncle/godfather (his mum's brother, I'll refer to him as K later) had sexually abused at least 2 of our girls. We took him to court, he was found guilty, sentenced to 10 months imprisonment, served only 3. The family ostracized him bar one member who is mentally challenged and doesn't comprehend what he did and is easily manipulated.
Turned out this was a family trend so the other brother and father were also ostracized by my husband's immediate family. My MIL chose to not attend their funerals but met K at a niece's funeral.
After this his name came up frequently so my hubby asked her outright if she was speaking to him. The answer was yes and she'd continue to. He said he was angry but she probably couldn't be stopped and she said she understood but wouldn't be.
Our girls were quiet (now 18,14 and 12) but when we got home they were crying, hurt, angry and felt betrayed. I was in the same boat but couldn't get past the numb shock that had set in at her revelation.
The girls said they didn't want to visit Granny anymore. We completely understood. Hubby eventually messaged her and told her how upset her granddaughters were and she said it wasn't her intention. No apology, message, text or call to any one of the girls.
A week passes and hubby gets a message from his elder bro asking what's going on. He calls his bro and is shocked his mum has told him we're using the girls to punish her for speaking to K. My husband blew up! She was telling lies! The girls made their choice. His bro asked how long can you punish him and hubby said my girls deal with this every day, it doesn't go away, put yourself in our shoes. If it were your kids what would you do? Answer...he'd be dead already.
Then he calls his mum. It was lengthy but her points are...
...how long can you punish him?
...I lost time with my other brother and dad but K is dying (from Parkinson's!!! Eh NO!), he's my bro and want to be there for him
...he's been in their house 3 times since the funeral and will be again (!!!)
...the girls have to move on from what happened (!!!)
...she doesn't think she should have to chose
...she understands that if she insists on speaking to and seeing K she won't see any of us again (apparently our girls are their favourites)
...his dad/her husband and their grandfather is supporting her choice
...she insists someone out there will completely understand and support her point of view.

We have spoken to people who mainly have some form of familial/emotional relationship with us and our girls but I feel I need to reach out to an 'impartial' and independent group. The full majority consensus so far is to cut them out our lives, the girls emotional and mental wellbeing comes first and we wholeheartedly agree. Our girls will ALWAYS come first! But if you knew my IN LAWS you'd understand why I am ensuring I have asked a neutral party.

So, since her paedophile brother who abused HER grandchildren has been put first, spoken with and entertained under their sayso, are we right to cut them out for the sake of our girls...
...or are we being unreasonable and should let her do what she wants regardless the effect on our girls and us?

Thank you in advance for reading this, apologies for any distress, upset or offense.

I won't lie. I strongly hope the majority back our choice but will read any objective comments.

OP posts:
NewFoneWhoDis · 09/08/2019 14:53

I experienced CSA by a relative that my parents had no reason to distrust. They removed me from his sphere the moment they realised however they mistakenly assumed I was too young to remember. I do. But I could never talk about it because they brushed aside my questions in order to 'stop me remembering'.

It hurts that they chose not to go to the police due to familial bonds and it hurt more than I can say when my mother literally forgot about what he did to me. If they had decided like your MIL that he was the one now suffering and reconnect with him, I'd be destroyed even though I'm 45 and it happened almost 4 decades ago.

You and your DH are wonderful parents. Your MIL is an appalling one and a let down as a grandmother. You are right to go NC with anyone who is in contact with him- it's the best thing you can do for your DD's.

PinkCrayon · 09/08/2019 14:59

I would cut them all out.

JaimeBronde · 09/08/2019 15:11

Oh my God MamaBear, sorry to use this flippant MN term but is that part of the family on glue! They've all taken leave of their senses!
MiL & DBiL must be in some sort of state of cognitive dissonance to behave in this way.
As pps have stated if they start to confront the realities it becomes terrifying. It's easier for their psyche/soul to pretend everything is ok/it wasn't that bad as the truths are so bad/painful & would rip their Self/Being apart.
Their selfishness in not protecting your girls is unfortunately because of their classic self preservation techniques.

This has to stop now for the sake of your girls & other unfortunate victims. And it's truly awful that that side of the family are not capable/unable to do that.

It sounds like you are going to have to tell DH's brother that you can no longer be part of his wedding if he supports DMil in supporting 'K'.

I think it's time to contact police/social services. Or if you need some general advice/support on the next steps you need to take call the NSPCC beforehand.

You & DH are an amazing Mum & Dad. Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/08/2019 15:15

Absolutely cut them off and never speak to any of them again.

Focus on helping your girls heal.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/08/2019 15:33

Another voice saying you are right to cut off any relative who supports K and that I think you should definitely consider speaking to the police or probation service about the fact that due to MIL's irresponsible decision K is likely to be able to access children.

Ogham · 09/08/2019 16:07

**MamaBearfor3
My husband wasn't abused by his uncle. He was abused by a separate party invited into their home.

Sorry, I took you up wrongly. You both sound very solid and loving parents. Such an awful situation for you all. Your poor kids must feel so hurt by their grandmother’s decision. She sounds a nightmare but to support her brother after what he’s done is shocking.

boosterrooster · 09/08/2019 16:14

Cut her out and never, ever speak to her again.

RantyAnty · 09/08/2019 16:17

You have to cut them all off. It is a multi generational paedophile nest and no way I'd be able to trust any of them.

HeffaLump1 · 09/08/2019 16:25

Would impact statements to DHs family from your girls help the family to understand how it has and is still affecting your daughters? I think people sometimes really do think "he's paid the price by prison" and have no realisation how the price is NEVER paid.
Maybe seeing it written down in black and white (if your daughters feel that they could do this) would go some way to showing this and how GM and now DH brother's acceptance is causing even more pain.

HeyMonkey · 09/08/2019 16:28

Nope. Not even a question.

Paedophilies and paedophile enablers deserve zero consideration.

Block them all forever. Disgusting shitbags.

PrayingandHoping · 09/08/2019 16:28

Mil is choosing to associate with a man on the sex offenders register. He is not "forgiven" in any sense just because he's not locked up anymore!

Sadly I think you going no contact with anyone who is choosing to associate with him is absolutely the right thing to do!

Summerwellunderway · 09/08/2019 16:30

Withdraw from any wedding arrangements. The poor wife to be is marrying an enabler. She should be told imo.
Imagine her dc being exposed to that family?

Original poster
MamaBearfor3 · 09/08/2019 16:35

It seems hubby picked me up wrong and thought I was talking about his elder brother J, but hasn't spoken with A but I have arranged with his fiancee for us to meet to chat because I know he's not been told whole truths. Will have to wait to see how this pans out but hoping and praying he sees it for what it is. His other brother, D will stick with his mum I think. This is just so crappy 😩

OP posts:
Bloomburger · 09/08/2019 16:39

She'd be dead to me. There would be absolutely nothing she could ever do that would make me see or speak to her ever ever again.

You are doing the right thing. Tell her that this isn't about her feelings, this isn't about that perverted fuckers feelings, this is about protecting your children and doing what is right for them and if she was any kind of grandmother she would be boing exactly the same.

ValidVictorian · 09/08/2019 16:40

You're absolutely right to cut her off. I adore my brother but if I found out he'd done anything to my boys I'd never speak to him again (he's not a paedophile for the record). It shouldn't be a choice she 'has' to make, it should be natural revulsion about her vile brother's actions. It's very sad that she doesn't feel like that.

ImNotYourGranny · 09/08/2019 16:49

I'd be no contact with MIL and no contact with anyone who supports her decision. Anyone who isn't utterly horrified at what's she's doing doesn't deserve a second of your time.

Halo1234 · 09/08/2019 16:56

Yanbu. She has crossed the line massively and if she cant see that dont waste your time trying to convince her. I would block her on social media so u dont see her posts. Its hurtful for your family because u should be able to trust her to support you in the circumstances. Cut her out and dont look back. My sister is my absolute best friend but if she betrayed my children or grandchildren and hurt them to the extent she got a criminal conviction she would be dead to me. So sorry op. You shouldn't have to deal with this on top of an already difficult situation.

BarbedBloom · 09/08/2019 16:57

You are doing the right thing. It is really important that the police know K could be in a house where there are children. I would also be telling the fiance what she is marrying into. If my fiance had this attitude the wedding would be off

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 09/08/2019 17:01

Goodness yes you are making the right choice. So sorry that all sounds awful xx

Deemail · 09/08/2019 17:17

Your mother in law is disgusting. I would never have anything to do with her again no matter what.
Time will move on and she'll need/want you in her life again and will do what she can to manipulate you into feeling sorry for her as she was a victim. Make it clear to her now there's no going back.

Alysanne · 09/08/2019 17:21

Your girls don't need a grandmother like that and your husband doesn't need a mother like that either. She has made her choice and it's her loss. Hopefully your brother in law will come to his senses soon enough and realise she is out of order.

The important thing right now is you, your husband and your girls. You lot are what matter. Well done to your husband on blocking his parents. It would have been a hard thing to do but his girls have good parents looking out for them. x

Alysanne · 09/08/2019 17:22

*your girls

sorry I should proof read more :)

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 09/08/2019 17:29

I may have missed this in earlier posts but are you able to ask social services for advice? I'm sure they'll say protect your dds by not putting them in a position where K could get near them. And then you can at least say you're following advice you were given by professionals on keeping your dds away.

Whosorrynow · 09/08/2019 17:32

It shouldn't be a choice she 'has' to make, it should be natural revulsion about her vile brother's actions
totally agree, the fact that she has to weigh it up and choose tells you everything, she should instinctively reject pedophiles

Grumpelstilskin · 09/08/2019 17:40

Anyone who does not explicitly condemn the abuse and cuts contact to the abuser does actually condone it. There are no fine lines. It is that black and white! I am glad that your DH has blocked both parents. I would cut them off completely and that would extend to even not seeing them if very sick and/or dying, as well as not caring for either parent. It’s is a total betrayal of your DC and unforgivable. Someone else mentioned a ‘scorched earth’ policy and I fully agree. It isn’t the prerogative of anyone else to ‘forgive’ the abuse! They are not the victims and have zero right to negate the suffering of your DC.