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Original poster

DP’s former FWB on social media

270 replies

MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:00

I have been with my DP for over a year. We were friends for a while before becoming a couple and therefore we are aware of each other’s previous relationships. Too aware at times... I wish I didn’t know so much detail and I wish I had given him so much private info.

My DP has a former FWB who lives in the US. They used to sext regularly and met up a few times for sex when she was in the UK for business.

When we became involved with each other seriously they continued to interact occasionally on social media and, at first, I just ignored it. He said they’d stopped messaging and I believe he’s telling the truth about that.

A few months ago she made a few posts which I felt were inappropriate commenting on his looks etc. Just too intimate-sounding. One was on an instagram with his daughter, who I am trying to build a relationship with. He deleted the comments at my request.

I said I felt uncomfortable about them continuing to follow each other. He said he felt I was being over sensitive but that (reluctantly) he would unfollow her on all platforms and message her to make it clear he had met someone now and that he wanted to cut contact.

Her response was that she was surprised he’d told me about her at all and that she would miss seeing his posts.

For the last few months there has been no interaction - but then yesterday he posted about a work related success and she posted congratulating him. He responded with a thanks. All very harmless-looking on the surface. But still an interaction when he’d said he would cut contact.

We ended up having a long argument by text about it. He thinks she’s done nothing ‘wrong’ and doesn’t seem to get why I want him to stop responding to her on all platforms.

I know that if the tables were turned he would be very upset about a former fuckfriend maintaining contact with me.

OP posts:
CarrieBlu · 08/08/2019 08:09

I think you’re BU and a bit controlling really. You either trust him or you don’t. If you don’t trust him you shouldn’t be with him.

MMmomDD · 08/08/2019 08:13

I agree with him, Op. You are being
insecure and this behaviour is controlling.
We all have a past. He is with you.
He has done what you asked him about messaging.
He was just being polite. And this doesn’t warrant a ‘long row’.
You have only been together a year. If you want this relationship to go the distance - you need to take a breath and focus on important issues. Not on monitoring social media.

Original poster
MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:16

If you mean BU as in BackUp, then how come I’ve been with him for the past year spending almost half our time together? We are in a committed relationship discussing future plans.

I think it’s more likely she’s annoyed that her ability to have casual sex with him has been cut off and she’s attempting to keep a foot in the door.

I have a right to feel unhappy about that, surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:18

But he hasn’t done as I’d asked - that’s the point.
He said he would cut contact on social media.
He did not have to respond.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 08/08/2019 08:22

Sorry but if I were him, I'd be calling time on this relationship with you. I don't allow partners to tell me who I can and can't be friends with. Especially if it's someone in another country. He did cut contact, as you asked him to. He even wrote and told her so. All he did was acknowledge a congratulations (as he probably would have done automatically to anyone else who commented - would have looked odd to have ignored her).

BU means being unreasonable by the way.

SophyStantonLacy · 08/08/2019 08:22

BU is Being Unreasonable.

Which you are being.

toffeeapple123 · 08/08/2019 08:23

Goodness me, it’s one message. He was being polite. They were friends for a long time. He’s with you now and has unfollowed her on all social media as you requested. He didn’t want to be rude and replied to one message. Unless you have other cause for concern, drop it. I couldn’t be with such a paranoid and controlling individual.

ArabellaDoreenFig · 08/08/2019 08:24

BU means Being Unreasonable OP!

And I agree that you are. You need to relax, a few comments on social media are nothing to get alarm bells about, and if they are then you need to reassess your relationship- because it means there is no trust and to have a happy long term relationship/partnership you need trust.

Original poster
MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:25

I suppose a question I have here is when does a FWB cease to be so? What happens if one party does not agree and keeps trying to make contact?

...and if a new (committed) partner would like the above to be made defined and clear, surely it’s OK for them to need that boundary?

I have no previous experience of a partner with a FWB.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 08/08/2019 08:26

If he has unfollowed her on all social media then how is she able to comment ? OP you are correct with this- he agreed to do something and he has gone back on that .

Thingsdogetbetter · 08/08/2019 08:27

BU = being unreasonable.

And I agree. Asking him to have absolutely no contact is controlling. Asking him to clearly state he is now in a relationship and to keep things purely friendly would have been fine. If she crosses the line, it's HIS job to shut her down.

You're making massive assumptions on her motivations. And expecting him to be rude to a friend, who seems to be being friendly not suggesting sex, is going too far.

Is he 'allowed' contact with anyone he previously slept with?

Original poster
MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:27

It wasn’t just one message - previously they were very regular on several platforms and actually far more intimate sounding than I would post myself. I tolerated it for about four months.

This recent one annoyed me because I thought it it had stopped and he told me that they had agreed to unfollow each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:29

Yes he is allowed contact with others. Of course. But they don’t behave like this.

This woman still sees him as an option.

That’s the difference.

OP posts:
bouncingraindrops · 08/08/2019 08:32

The whole point of FWB is that they are a friend. Fair enough they drop the WB part, but you have absolutely no right to expect him not to remain friends with anyone.

bouncingraindrops · 08/08/2019 08:33

This woman still sees him as an option.

Are you worried that he still sees her the same way?

Original poster
MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:33

“They were friends for a long time”

I never said that

It was a couple of years, if that.

OP posts:
NewMe2019 · 08/08/2019 08:33

How do you know she sees him as an option exactly? She's in a other country and they were friends first. Do you not trust him even if she does see him as this option?

If my DP acted like you, I'd see him as controlling and I'd be very wary.

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 08:35

If he has unfollowed her on all social media then how is she able to comment ?

Because she hasnt unfollowed him.

He didnt block her.

OP, yabu. She was a fwb. Friends being the Operative word. The with benefits has finished. Doesnt mean the friend bit has to.

You really cant tell him who he can be friends with. Of she lives in another country she isnt going to pining for him. She likely has someone over there.

You seem to have got into you head that she still wants him. Most women dont want someone who doesnt want them.

Yabu and you are being controlling.

I dont even get the point thay she commented on a photo with him and his daughter and what that has to do with you trying to build a relationship with the daughter.

If dp told me I had to cut all contact with a friend or ex, I would show him the door.

You either trust he is faithful to you or you dont. Just because he had sexual contact with her before, doesnt mean that will continue if he has said he is in a committed relationship with you. It's totally seperate.

I also wouldnt want to be with someone who scrolled my social media for signs of contact with and ex or someone I had slept with.

Remember, he knew you would see it. Why would he reply publically if he really felt he was doing something wrong?

Original poster
MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:35

As I said above - I have no previous experience of FWB

Her tone hasn’t changed towards him. She clearly wasn’t happy about dropping the WB and It all makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
tomatoesandstew · 08/08/2019 08:37

This is part of the tricky reality of dealing with the internet.
People who pre internet you would not have any real active contact stay looped in a really passive way.
They weren't friends they were FWB. That's a completely different kettle of fish.
I also think that temptation comes in through doors left open but these days you can defriend someone and still message them a few years later and be sexting inappropriately very quickly.
However you can't force him to do anything and if you make a too big deal of it you may make her forbidden fruit and all the more desirable.

If this is the only example of him being in touch with casual sex partners and she lives in USA i would ignore it for now. It was a minor contact. If this is part of a pattern of him generally being in contact with lots of people he's had sex with / flirting with people in real life then its something to consider if you want to be in a relationship with him.

It's not controlling to object to someone being in contact with a fwb when you've been dating for a year it just may not be effective.

Parent999 · 08/08/2019 08:37

Ive been through this sort of thing, its one thing to ask your partner not be friends with people he has had a sexual relationship with. Its another to ask him to go no contact. My partner asked me to do this with people I have regular contact with and absolutely no history. I just cant do it, I just cant be that rude to blank someone who has done nothing wrong and doesnt know why you've blanked them.

Id suggest you lighten up a bit, if you trust him then just try to drop it. These things have a way of festering and escalating.

ShatnersWig · 08/08/2019 08:37

I have no previous experience of FWB

That's actually irrelevant.

You're unilaterally deciding who your partner of one year can and can't be friends with. That's NOT acceptable and is controlling behaviour. You're clearly new to MN. If a man posted what you had, the advice would be that your partner ran for the hills immediately.

LolaSmiles · 08/08/2019 08:38

A FWB relationship ends when the friendship stops having the sexual benefit.

He's in a relationship. They aren't having a sexual benefit. Therefore it's a friendship, albeit one with a history.

I think some people need to consider that there is a difference between a FRIEND with benefits and someone you occasionally have sex with. One involves a friendship that is independent of the sex.

It's up to you as a person whether you can accept that friendship in light of the past; there's no right answer in that sense as we are all different. However I wouldn't be entertaining the idea of a new partner telling me who I could and couldn't be friends with/have contact with/talk to on social media.

Original poster
MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:39

About the post with his daughter.

It was a lovely photo of them both together and the former FWB was making comments about his looks. It was a more intimate post than I would have done and it just looked odd. Another mutual friend messaged me “who is THAT?” His daughter was tagged in the post.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 08/08/2019 08:40

It's not about being controlling or being controlled , it's about having respect for your partner going forward . I had a FWB who wanted to keep contact ( and more) after I met my DH . I do not contact him at all now as I know it would hurt my DH very much . I don't feel controlled . He never had to ask me as I considered his feelings .