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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP’s former FWB on social media

270 replies

MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:00

I have been with my DP for over a year. We were friends for a while before becoming a couple and therefore we are aware of each other’s previous relationships. Too aware at times... I wish I didn’t know so much detail and I wish I had given him so much private info.

My DP has a former FWB who lives in the US. They used to sext regularly and met up a few times for sex when she was in the UK for business.

When we became involved with each other seriously they continued to interact occasionally on social media and, at first, I just ignored it. He said they’d stopped messaging and I believe he’s telling the truth about that.

A few months ago she made a few posts which I felt were inappropriate commenting on his looks etc. Just too intimate-sounding. One was on an instagram with his daughter, who I am trying to build a relationship with. He deleted the comments at my request.

I said I felt uncomfortable about them continuing to follow each other. He said he felt I was being over sensitive but that (reluctantly) he would unfollow her on all platforms and message her to make it clear he had met someone now and that he wanted to cut contact.

Her response was that she was surprised he’d told me about her at all and that she would miss seeing his posts.

For the last few months there has been no interaction - but then yesterday he posted about a work related success and she posted congratulating him. He responded with a thanks. All very harmless-looking on the surface. But still an interaction when he’d said he would cut contact.

We ended up having a long argument by text about it. He thinks she’s done nothing ‘wrong’ and doesn’t seem to get why I want him to stop responding to her on all platforms.

I know that if the tables were turned he would be very upset about a former fuckfriend maintaining contact with me.

OP posts:
Millie2017 · 08/08/2019 09:03

OP it’s obvious you are upset about this, but I’m going to very gently tell you your behaviour will only make him feel suffocated. You appear confident that any interest on his part has ceased. You need to treat him fairly and acknowledge that at times he will receive female attention. Online/in RL/from friends or strangers. Stop obsessing with his social media, his former fwb and the like. It’s not healthy or productive.

SonEtLumiere · 08/08/2019 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HulksPurplePanties · 08/08/2019 09:05

You are BU OP, and whoever your friend is they are shit stirring and as U as you. You don't own him and you can't control who he has on his social media and who comments on his posts.

ScarJo · 08/08/2019 09:06

Having an ex wife and a DC is totally different to having an FWB. There is a need to keep in touch with the first i see no need to be in touch with the latter.

bouncingraindrops · 08/08/2019 09:07

If a woman posts that she is suspecting her husband is having an "EA" or getting "too close to a female friend" the advice is always to tell him how it makes her feel and to ask him to cut contact so why is this different? Isn't that still controlling?

This is a woman posting about that? What's your point?

ShatnersWig · 08/08/2019 09:07

ScarJo Ah, so you CAN stay friends with someone you've had sex with if there are children involved but you're NOT allowed to stay friends with someone you've had sex with if there aren't? Okeydokes.

bouncingraindrops · 08/08/2019 09:09

I'm allowed to assert my own boundaries.

Indeed. But you are not allowed to control another adults friendships in doing so.

feistymumma · 08/08/2019 09:09

She could easily get another FWB there are plenty out there. I am very friendly with a previous FB, he is married we don't do anything anymore since he got married. He gives me relationship advice etc and is a good friend of mine. YABVU, you are not his mother to tell him who he can and cannot talk to and frankly if you don't trust him then jog on.

bouncingraindrops · 08/08/2019 09:11

Mumsnet really depresses me sometimes

It's not Mumsnet doing any of this though. It's you.

I think some posters really should think hard how they would be feeling in my shoes

What, if my DH had contact with a friend 🤷‍♀️ it would be fine. A FWB is a friend. The WB part happens when you are both single and do not want to get into a relationship with each other.

TheStuffedPenguin · 08/08/2019 09:12

Having an ex wife and a DC is totally different to having an FWB. There is a need to keep in touch with the first i see no need to be in touch with the latter

I agree with Scarjo and it's NOT about children .

mummmmeee · 08/08/2019 09:12

I don't think YABU. Quite surprised that so many posters think otherwise. It's slightly controlling for you to ask to cut contact but I feel it's needed. Why on earth would you want your BF messaging his former fuckbuddy?! It might be innocent messages now but they've got a past so IMO it's a dangerous territory. He needs to explain himself and cut contact. If he doesn't want to I'd really be questioning why. Maybe he's an attention whore

Chattycatty · 08/08/2019 09:13

Surely it doesnt matter if she thinks hes still an "option" it only matters if he thinks she is. polite online interaction is just that.

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 09:14

There is a need to keep in touch with the first i see no need to be in touch with the latter.

Except you are forgetting they were FRIENDS with benefits. Now they are just friends.

Maybe theres no reason for anyone to have friends at all. Confused

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 09:16

He needs to explain himself and cut contact

Fucking hell. He isnt a child and she isnt his mum. She isnt his boss. Jesus wept. 'Explain himself', really. He said thanks. That's it.

Do people actually act like this?

ElspethFlashman · 08/08/2019 09:19

But they're not "messaging"

The poor bloke said "thanks", FFS!!

God.

My DH had a couple of FWB before me. I trusted him 100% and we continued to socialise with them and they continued to be our friends. They were invited to the wedding. He always had great taste in women, lol. They were cool people. How ridiculous to cut off contact cos they had a few meaningless drunken shags!

But then I knew it was different with me. I knew he wanted a future with only me. Perhaps the OP doesn't.

ShatnersWig · 08/08/2019 09:20

If the OP feels unhappy about a friendship of her relatively new partner, her course of action is to leave the relationship. It's really not on for people new on the scene to tell their new partners that they have to jettison someone they knew long before they came along. (OK, in this specific instance it's not decades, but the friend was there first).

I could JUST about understand this is the women lived in the same town and they kept bumping into each other and she felt unhappy about it. But this woman lives halfway around the world for crying out loud!! The OP is getting herself in a state over something that just ain't gonna happen. All she will end up doing is driving her partner away because he didn't want to dump this friend - friend, nothing else - so he's going to start resenting her.

Jump ship, OP, and find someone who doesn't keep in touch with anyone he has slept with. You'll be more compatible and much happier. And so will your partner.

ScarJo · 08/08/2019 09:21

"Maybe there's no need to have friends at all"

I just rolled my eyes so hard I think I saw my own brain. Give it a rest.

WanderingTrolley1 · 08/08/2019 09:22

Yanbu, OP!

Robin2323 · 08/08/2019 09:26

It's not controlling to object to someone being in contact with a fwb when you've been dating for a year

Exactly lol
I have an ex fwb
And even now 25 years later he'd try and get into my pants.
My dh is completely aware.
He's one of the reasons I came off fb.

Op you are right.
The ex fwb would shag him again given half the chance.

There are 2 women that would take dh off my hands tomorrow.
Some women do not respect marriage/ long term relationship s and you are right to be weary of her.
Trust your instincts (like mn always tell you )

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 09:26

I just rolled my eyes so hard I think I saw my own brain. Give it a rest.

So what was your point? They are and were friends. Do you really believe a partner can dictate who their OH is friends with?

M0RVEN · 08/08/2019 09:28

I never thought I’d type these words, but I agree with ShatnersWig.

Tennesseewhiskey · 08/08/2019 09:28

And even now 25 years later he'd try and get into my pants.

So because you know someone who cant get over it, no one else possibly be FWB and then just friends?

You have no clue if the FWB would shag him at all. Catch yourself on.

Croquembou · 08/08/2019 09:28

@MyNameisBetty

I think some posters really should think hard how they would be feeling in my shoes

Yeah, of course. You're the only person on here with a boyfriend who's had sex before. This is simply unimaginable for everyone else.

LemonTT · 08/08/2019 09:31

There are shades of grey in every situation and that might be the case here. But the only defence seems to be that the OP is uncomfortable or not happy with this friendship and she can’t deal with that.

Like I said there are degrees of everything but we all need to be able to deal with things that make us unhappy or uncomfortable if there is nothing we can or should do about it.

In my opinion, if you must intervene because you don’t trust her, the thing would be to speak to him about whether he thinks she wanted more from the relationship they had. Maybe point out that women often find it difficult to disassociate sex and love. Let him reach his own conclusions and let him decide how best to deal with it.

SonEtLumiere · 08/08/2019 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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