DP’s former FWB on social media

[MyNameisBetty]

I have been with my DP for over a year. We were friends for a while before becoming a couple and therefore we are aware of each other’s previous relationships. Too aware at times... I wish I didn’t know so much detail and I wish I had given him so much private info.

My DP has a former FWB who lives in the US. They used to sext regularly and met up a few times for sex when she was in the UK for business.

When we became involved with each other seriously they continued to interact occasionally on social media and, at first, I just ignored it. He said they’d stopped messaging and I believe he’s telling the truth about that.

A few months ago she made a few posts which I felt were inappropriate commenting on his looks etc. Just too intimate-sounding. One was on an instagram with his daughter, who I am trying to build a relationship with. He deleted the comments at my request.

I said I felt uncomfortable about them continuing to follow each other. He said he felt I was being over sensitive but that (reluctantly) he would unfollow her on all platforms and message her to make it clear he had met someone now and that he wanted to cut contact.

Her response was that she was surprised he’d told me about her at all and that she would miss seeing his posts.

For the last few months there has been no interaction - but then yesterday he posted about a work related success and she posted congratulating him. He responded with a thanks. All very harmless-looking on the surface. But still an interaction when he’d said he would cut contact.

We ended up having a long argument by text about it. He thinks she’s done nothing ‘wrong’ and doesn’t seem to get why I want him to stop responding to her on all platforms.

I know that if the tables were turned he would be very upset about a former fuckfriend maintaining contact with me.

I think she comes across as very bitter and mean. She's now suggesting that OP's partner would have been with the 'American Woman' if it wasn't for distance (it is more likely she was/is just easy).

I have a different view to most on here I guess. I was in a similar position as you, though in my case they were never really proper friends, hooked up for a short time and added each other on FB. He had other exes on there and I was fine, but there was something about her comments that made me really uncomfortable, though on the surface they weren't that bad. She would heart every photo of him and every status and constantly comment about the times they spent together. It ended when she wrote to him to say she was nearby not long after we got married and in a hotel for a night if he wanted to join her, it could be their secret. He blocked her then as he realised I had picked up on something he hadn't.

I think only you can know whether you feel uncomfortable with any contact with exes, or if it is this one in particular is ringing the alarm bells. F it is every one then you need to work on your own insecurities or you will drive him away.

My issue here though is that he agreed to cut contact and then didn't. That would have annoyed me too and that is what you need to discuss. Everyone can set their own boundaries in a relationship, even if others think they are stupid, he gets to decide whether to accept them. If he refuses you decide if you can live with that and act accordingly.

P1218 No, she isn't. She is very clear. She's talking about the subtext. Behind all of what the OP is saying is fear, fear that it wasn't just a FWB situation but that there were feelings involved and that it was only cirumstances (ie, distance) that stopped it being more. She's talking about what is going on in OPs head for her to think this way, not stating as fact that her man would be off with American Woman if he had the chance. Blimey, people can't even read now.

We have contact with our exes, some of whom are as close as family. What on earth is your problem? Don't you trust him?

Your partner sounds like an absolute shitbag, OP. He was this woman's friend, was told things about her in confidence as her friend and then betrayed that trust the minute he had you in his bed instead of her. What an awful thing to do!

And then exposed her to the pile of misogynistic bullshit you just threw at her. Poor woman. I do think you and your partner should cut contact with her, but for her sake, not yours. She deserves better and more respectful treatment.

Absolutely.

I think she comes across as very bitter and mean.

The OP? Yes, I agree. You've got to have some pretty nasty traits to think it's acceptable to dictate who your boyfriend can be friends with.

@NoBaggyPants really? To ask your boyfriend to cut contact with someone who's sent him explicit photos/messages, someone who he's had a sexual relationship with already, someone who's commenting inappropriately on his social media posts? Is mean? We're from different planets.

This woman wasn't his 'friend' 🙈. They were just sex buddies.

He was this woman's friend, was told things about her in confidence as her friend and then betrayed that trust the minute he had you in his bed instead of her. What an awful thing to do!

I thought he told all before he got in a relationship with the OP. Not that it matters really.

I still think it's incredibly juvenile to talk about the sexual history of your Ex, whether it's a GF or an ex FWB.

I've also noticed that the OP has conveniently not commented further on this point that a few pp have said. I suspect you know that there really isn't a justification for it.

It's one thing to tell your partner about your sexual history, but he had no business divulging her sex life (beyond him being part of it) to you.

I'm trying to think what his reason for telling you might have been....maybe he liked the fact that she was a bit wild and experienced.

It wasn't just sex when she/he was in town.... they also sexted regularly too....so even when she wasn't physically present...they still maintained a relationship of sorts across the pond.

OP, the fact is if you trusted your DP not to have his head turned you wouldn't care who commented on his social media. You're transferring all your anger and hate onto a woman who hasn't actually wronged you.

@SandyY2K all the more reason to cut contact then!!

This woman wasn't his 'friend' 🙈. They were just sex buddies.
Is it just me who sees the crucial part of being friends with benefits being that there is the FRIENDS part. As in the sex is good fun but it's as add on (or benefit) on top of the friendship. Remove the sex would still leave friendship e.g. talking, getting on, wanting to see how each other are doing, taking an interest in each others lives and so on.

The OP has said herself they got on well so they clearly were friends. She doesn't like the fact that sex was part of it once so has decided they couldn't possibly have been real friends.

The OP Seems to be one of those women who wants to "win" the man and so it's obviously the mean nasty women who are a threat to their relationship. It couldn't be that they are insecure or lacking trust in their partner, no, it's them mean women.

From my experience, FWB is often just a polite way of saying 'fuck buddy'. Two people that find each other attractive and have sex. From my understanding they don't often spend time with each other apart from when they're feeling romantic 😉.

@P1218120699 my experience is very different. A fuck buddy is a fuck buddy. FWB is just that. Friends.

Anyone I have known with a FWB would still talk to them outside having sex, like friends do.

2 different things to me.

A fuck buddy is someone you call like a booty call. Call when you're in the mood, have sex and that's the limit of the relationship.

A friend with benefits is like I mentioned earlier. So there's still be chatting between times and friend elements.

The fact that this guy and FWB have messaged and remained in touch and take an interest in each others lives is friend territory. I think that's what the OP Doesn't like. She doesn't like the fact there is a friend element as well, plus if you're already insecure (and the OP Screams insecure to me), then starting a relationship with someone who you know has had great sex with someone else is only going to make insecurity worse.

The question is whether the OP Is responding reasonably and I'm not sure she is. Transfering to a relationship from friends is tough because you don't have that dating best front on and you already know lots about them that they may not share if it's a fresh date (been there, DH and I were friends and briefly FWB before pursuing a relationship properly later). Not everyone can handle what they know. equally the OP isn't wrong to feel how she feels and draw whatever lines she wants, but she is wrong to start policing someone else's friendships to account for her feelings.

@bouncingraindrops
Totally confused now.
You were trying to be pedantic with your ow comment. Now kindly stop making this about you fluffing your feathers

@ShatnersWig
Woah, count to 10. Read your post through once again when calmer.

I'll get hate for disagreeing with the "cool girlfriend" parade
Oh yes, the cool gf comments again for anyone who doesn't agree

Have you ever been the OW by any chance @Bluntness100? Or a FWB that got dumped. You're very bitter!
Have you ever been the insecure gf by any chance? You come across very insecure, works both ways
bluntness simply speaking the truth.

Ozzie I'm not listening to someone who thinks "Kick him in the balls" is an acceptable comment.

You were trying to be pedantic with your ow comment.

I really wasn't. The difference between OW and FWB is huge and that she was a FWB is the whole point of the thread. OW gives it a different meaning altogether.

Now kindly stop making this about you fluffing your feathers

Not a clue what this is supposed to mean tbh.

Woah, count to 10. Read your post through once again when calmer.

The only person who needs to calm down, is you.

Telling someone to kick their boyfriend in the balls isnt funny or appropriate.

Couple that up with how excited you have been about how horrible this woman is and how none of us would out her in touch with our partners (of course we wouldnt put the woman know the ops do first. Who puts their do in touch with a woman non of us know, regardless of how much she likes sex) and labeling her the OW.

A sure sign that the OP needs help, is that she agrees with anything you have to say.

If dp had an ex fwb, and then blabbed all her secrets to me, I would have dumped him for being a prick.

But of course OP can see past his flaws. Easier to call her to skut shame her. And you joined in. I would have reported your post but prefer for it to stand so people can see how ridiculous and goady you are.

OP I agree with most here and I think YABU. A FWB is a ‘friendship’, that on occasions has resulted in sex when both are single. It doesn’t involve hankerings after a relationship. That’s when it crosses lines.
I have an ex FWB who I have been friends with for years. When either of us is in a relationship the sex stops straight away. At the moment I’m single and he’s not. I sometimes comment on his FB, he sometimes comments on mine. It has nothing whatsoever to do with trying to split him up from his partner at all!! It’s just what friends do. Friends who respect each other and have appropriate boundaries. We don’t see each other often but nobody would ever tell me not to be friends with him. I don’t have any romantic feelings for him whatsoever. You’re painting this other woman to be some sort of slut. Your partner was one half of their arrangement when it was happening.

Wish I think it's disgraceful MNHQ allow that "kick him in the balls" comment to stand. It should be deleted. Wouldn't be permitted if a male poster made any comment about violence towards a woman.

@ShatnersWig has been reported?

I would support you if you have. But I also sometimes like posters to be shown for what they are. If you see what I mean.

If it was deleted I am sure there would 'it was taken out of context' trotted out by that poster.

Yes, I reported it hours ago.