DP’s former FWB on social media

[MyNameisBetty]

I have been with my DP for over a year. We were friends for a while before becoming a couple and therefore we are aware of each other’s previous relationships. Too aware at times... I wish I didn’t know so much detail and I wish I had given him so much private info.

My DP has a former FWB who lives in the US. They used to sext regularly and met up a few times for sex when she was in the UK for business.

When we became involved with each other seriously they continued to interact occasionally on social media and, at first, I just ignored it. He said they’d stopped messaging and I believe he’s telling the truth about that.

A few months ago she made a few posts which I felt were inappropriate commenting on his looks etc. Just too intimate-sounding. One was on an instagram with his daughter, who I am trying to build a relationship with. He deleted the comments at my request.

I said I felt uncomfortable about them continuing to follow each other. He said he felt I was being over sensitive but that (reluctantly) he would unfollow her on all platforms and message her to make it clear he had met someone now and that he wanted to cut contact.

Her response was that she was surprised he’d told me about her at all and that she would miss seeing his posts.

For the last few months there has been no interaction - but then yesterday he posted about a work related success and she posted congratulating him. He responded with a thanks. All very harmless-looking on the surface. But still an interaction when he’d said he would cut contact.

We ended up having a long argument by text about it. He thinks she’s done nothing ‘wrong’ and doesn’t seem to get why I want him to stop responding to her on all platforms.

I know that if the tables were turned he would be very upset about a former fuckfriend maintaining contact with me.

That's out of order.

I know what you mean about sometimes better to leave comments up. Sadly it doesn't surprise me that it isn't deemed unpleasant enough by MNHQ.

@Wishihad
Again, please read your post through. It doesn’t make sense at all.
Even to the point where you’re scolding me for ‘kick him in the balls’ yet you yourself refer to him as a prick ( by way of saying you would ‘dump the prick’ )
Moving on

He is a prick. Thats not the exfwb fault.

Still no excuse for telling someone to assault him or slut shaming the ex fwb.

My point is OP is perfectly happy to be with someone who engages on casual sex, but she does the same and she is a slut. Why is the OP sleeping with a slut?

Dump the prick is not violent. Kick him in the balls is. Repeat - had a man said "kick her in the vagina" there'd have been uproar, rightly, and the post deleted. Shameful double standards regards.

Even to the point where you’re scolding me for ‘kick him in the balls’ yet you yourself refer to him as a prick ( by way of saying you would ‘dump the prick’ )

Yes because dump the prick, is the same as kick him in the balls isn't it

@P1218120699

@SandyY2K all the more reason to cut contact then!!

Cut contact because he was talking about his FWBs sexual history to the OP?

There's one thing that would ensure she doesn't contact him again ... well she will just the once.

Let her know that your BF has told you about her multiple sex partners including the married men... and she'll stay well away from him.

FFS OP you need to grow up.

Jealous, insecure and controlling. Justify it how you like but you sound like a nightmare.

I think the op has left the thread .......

OP I wouldn't like this either. I don't believe FWB means you become friends after you decide to stop shagging each other. Maybe it does for some, but if you aren't comfortable with that as a partner, then that's also totally fine. However the choice is up to him if he wants to respect your feelings or not.

I actually don't think it's so much about her as the fact he is leaving the door ajar to her. Saying he's unfollowed her then responding to her comments on his posts clearly shows he is going back on what he said he'd do.

I'm wondering if he has really sent the messages you think - have you seen these yourself? Where he's told her he's met someone etc? Because otherwise maybe he hasn't been so direct and so she doesn't get the message and thinks they can continue. He may have said the unfollowing was just a temporary thing to make you feel better and that he'd be in touch soon?

The problem with all of this is even if he has told her he's not interested, she will still pop up every now and then as she seems the type to do so. Whether it's public or in his DM's. It's up to you if you want to put up with that or not and whether you trust him or not. You can set all the boundaries in the world, but if you don't think he's trustworthy or going to respect how you feel then is it worth continuing?

@SandyY2K we clearly have different opinions on this. What I meant by my comment is that if it was more than just sex and there were feelings involved then she's even more of a threat to this relationship. I really don't have any respect for women that sleep with married men so I'd say she got what she deserved. If you sleep with lots of people, including married men your run the chance of having your self life discussed.

You are being MASSIVELY unreasonable.

Jealous, possessive and controlling, NOT ONLY over his contact with a FRIEND (if he'd EVER been truly interested in her or her in him they would have at least attempted a full relationship) which you have no right to dictate to him about but ALSO your possessiveness over her commenting about his daughter - when YOU have only been with him a year!

At this point you should barely know his daughter, being nothing more to her than "daddy's friend" and you NEVER have the right to dictate who his friends are. Plenty of us stay friends with ex partners/fwb/ons, as long as you have no REAL reason to suspect he's cheating on you with them - which you DON'T!

"when does a FWB cease to be so?" When they stop having sex which they clearly have.

"and if a new (committed) partner would like the above to be made defined and clear, surely it’s OK for them to need that boundary?"

It IS clear, but if your partner wants to stay in contact with his FRIEND then you have no right to demand he doesn't.

You were lucky he agreed to do what he did but quite honestly I think he's enabling your jealousy and insecurity.

"And I really don’t understand the FWB stuff at all." To be perfectly honest that suggests to me you aren't right for each other. You have different views on relationships, even though yours is not a Fwb relationship, that you can't understand them, something he clearly does understand and has found suited him at the time, then you're likely to disagree on other aspects of relationships too.

"I think some posters really should think hard how they would be feeling in my shoes" but YOU are unwilling to consider HIS feelings, someone you claim to care about!

"Some women are just nasty and have no moral compass. She is one of them" oh ffs GROW UP! She's done nothing wrong!

HER morality is none of your business!

I have been cheated on, I've also been in fwb relationships - the two are NOT necessarily connected.

If you trusted HIM this would all be a non issue.

You clearly don't and you also clearly have insecurity and jealousy issues that you should address ASAP.

You are going to drive this man away with your nonsense and if you won't tolerate "any grey areas" you are going to end up lonely and bitter. Life is FULL of grey areas, people always have grey areas.

You were married a long time you really should know this - did ex husband cheat?

I agree with everything @Graphista has said.
You OP are going to drive this man away with your nonsense

Great post from Graphista

If you return to the thread OP, you have to ask yourself if you trust your partner. You either do or you don't. If you do then you can't police his friendships. If you don't then you need to walk away because you'll end up driving yourself to distraction. If your answer is "I trust him but ex FWB... I trust him but think she..." Then you don't trust him.

Mumsnet really depresses me sometimes

Why, because the majority don't agree with your ridiculous controlling behaviour? Get.A.GRIP.

Throughout your posts you come across as someone who cannot respect another and it's her way or no way.

Keep at it this way and he won't be around much longer, he hasn't done anything wrong and you're already dictating things.

To kick up a fuss over someone saying thanks, fucking hell, you almost sound unhinged.

Some women are just nasty and have no moral compass. She is one of them

You are fucking vile. No doubt you won't return to this thread, but here's hoping your partner wises up to you soon because you don't value anyone's feelings but your own.

After my second report, MNHQ finally deleted Ozzie's comment. About time.

My goodness me.

So this post is basically that a woman who used to sleep with your partner said congratulations, he said thanks.

She lives on the other side of the world.

Get some bloody perspective. Pick your battles. This is one which is not worth fighting.

My ex (broke up 17 years ago) has, without fail, every year, been the first person to wish me happy birthday. Occasionally we have a random text message conversation about nice times we spent together - a film we enjoyed, sunny days as we dated briefly over the summer. Maybe once every couple of years. Grown ups can move on and still be nice to each other you know. In fact, I'm still friends with several exes. We pass the time of day on social media. Doesn't mean we'll hook up first chance we get.

I can't roll my eyes enough.

But on a brighter note this took me back to my youth, it's been like reading the plot line for an episode of Dawson's Creek!

The Dawson's creek characters were more mature!