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Original poster

DP’s former FWB on social media

270 replies

MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:00

I have been with my DP for over a year. We were friends for a while before becoming a couple and therefore we are aware of each other’s previous relationships. Too aware at times... I wish I didn’t know so much detail and I wish I had given him so much private info.

My DP has a former FWB who lives in the US. They used to sext regularly and met up a few times for sex when she was in the UK for business.

When we became involved with each other seriously they continued to interact occasionally on social media and, at first, I just ignored it. He said they’d stopped messaging and I believe he’s telling the truth about that.

A few months ago she made a few posts which I felt were inappropriate commenting on his looks etc. Just too intimate-sounding. One was on an instagram with his daughter, who I am trying to build a relationship with. He deleted the comments at my request.

I said I felt uncomfortable about them continuing to follow each other. He said he felt I was being over sensitive but that (reluctantly) he would unfollow her on all platforms and message her to make it clear he had met someone now and that he wanted to cut contact.

Her response was that she was surprised he’d told me about her at all and that she would miss seeing his posts.

For the last few months there has been no interaction - but then yesterday he posted about a work related success and she posted congratulating him. He responded with a thanks. All very harmless-looking on the surface. But still an interaction when he’d said he would cut contact.

We ended up having a long argument by text about it. He thinks she’s done nothing ‘wrong’ and doesn’t seem to get why I want him to stop responding to her on all platforms.

I know that if the tables were turned he would be very upset about a former fuckfriend maintaining contact with me.

OP posts:
ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 08/08/2019 08:40

I’m completely with you OP! You told him something made you insecure, he agreed to this and then went back on it. You set boundaries you are happy with and he ignored them. Of course you should be upset x

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 08:43

It was a lovely photo of them both together and the former FWB was making comments about his looks.

Exactly. Former. She is now just a friend.

I tell my friends a photo might be good or lovely and comment that they look great/happy. I dont want to sleep with any of them.

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 08:44

I could cope with someone seeing their arse over me saying thank you to someone.

SonEtLumiere · 08/08/2019 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 08:44

couldnt

ScarJo · 08/08/2019 08:44

Hi OP I actually agree with you. You have told him how you feel and he should step back! Anyone on here who disagrees with you would probably be in uproar if it was happening to them. You also said he wouldn't like it if tables were turned. I don't see it as controlling more like having respect for your partner and your partners feelings!

bouncingraindrops · 08/08/2019 08:46

She clearly wasn’t happy about dropping the WB and It all makes me feel uncomfortable.

Everything you have posted points towards you having some weird issue, not her.

I suspect 'getting over it' would be for the best before you drive your partner away.

I would be ending a relationship if the other person started dictating who o could and couldn't talk to.

Original poster
MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:47

Thank you @tomatoesandstew

This is all new territory to me

I’ve dealt with exes before and it’s not bothered me.

All this online stuff is different. And I really don’t understand the FWB stuff at all.

OP posts:
bouncingraindrops · 08/08/2019 08:47

Hi OP I actually agree with you. You have told him how you feel and he should step back!

He should take a step back from a friend because OP says so? Surely you cannot be for real!

Anyone on here who disagrees with you would probably be in uproar if it was happening to them.

Nothing is 'happening' though 🤷‍♀️

ScarJo · 08/08/2019 08:47

At the end of the day whether people think this is controlling or not the problem is your partner not respecting how you feel. I'd reiterate one last time then reevaluate how I feel about someone who gives no shits about my feelings.

But that's just meSmile

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 08:48

Dp has contact with his ex wife. Who he was married to for 12 years. Doesnt bother me.

He also has contact with women he dated as a young adult, who live round the corner. He moved back to the area when his marriage broke up. I know some of them aswell.

I trust that if he wanted to be with one of them, he wouldn't be with me.

I am also in touch with exs who are now friends and I woildnt have dp telling me I cant talk to them.

bouncingraindrops · 08/08/2019 08:49

the problem is your partner not respecting how you feel.

Is it?

From everyone else's eyes the problem is OP trying to dictate who he can talk to.

It's not normal behaviour within a relationship.

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 08:49

At the end of the day whether people think this is controlling or not the problem is your partner not respecting how you feel.

She isnt respecting how he feels. He unfollowed hee and sent that message, reluctantly. OP knew he didnt want to end the friendship, yet op still pressed him to do it.

How is thay respecting how he feels?

Pinkarsedfly · 08/08/2019 08:51

Hmm.

I can see both sides of this. I tend to think that if your gut is telling you something’s amiss, it probably is.

Unless you have a history of insecure and controlling behaviour, that is.

As an aside, if a FWB is someone you are friends with and have sex with - how is that not a relationship? Is the non-exclusivity thing that differentiates it? (Genuine question, this stuff passed me by, sadly.)

Original poster
MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:52

Mumsnet really depresses me sometimes

I think some posters really should think hard how they would be feeling in my shoes

OP posts:
ScarJo · 08/08/2019 08:53

@bouncingraindrops

If a woman posts that she is suspecting her husband is having an "EA" or getting "too close to a female friend" the advice is always to tell him how it makes her feel and to ask him to cut contact so why is this different? Isn't that still controlling?

My partner has female friends and that's no problem but if any of them had been fwb then not a chance would I be comfortable with that.

LemonTT · 08/08/2019 08:54

Really your DP needs to stand up to both you and set his own boundaries. But primarily he needs to tell you that this is not your problem to deal with or dictate how he deals with it.

He seems to want to keep her as an old friend who lives abroad and they have minimal contact. He has heard you say she wants more and he clearly either thinks that is not true or he is able to deal with it. He has distanced himself from her and isn’t initiating contact. The only messages you are seeing are beyond banal.

All you need to do is trust him. If you don’t trust him and your boundaries have been crossed then you need to do what you need to do. He doesn’t have to live by your boundaries and he shouldn’t.

I would be very uncomfortable with your behaviour and a year into a relationship it would probably be enough to walk away. If he was my friend I would be telling him that.

ElspethFlashman · 08/08/2019 08:55

Jesus, this is massively controlling.

And you are coming across as an insecure paranoid person.

This "intimate" comment about his looks - I would bet good money it was something like "looking good!" or something completely innocuous like that. I very much doubt it was "you look so handsome and dreamy and rideable"

If I was him I'd be asking myself some serious internal questions about my girlfriend of just a year.

ShatnersWig · 08/08/2019 08:55

I've dealt with exes before and it’s not bothered me

She is an ex. OK, it was very casual, but tell yourself she was an ex. Job done.

Except it isn't. It's clearly HER that is the issue for you, not their history. Because she's not even in the same country (as generally exes would be).

MrMeSeeks · 08/08/2019 08:56

Yabu. I wouldn’t stop being friends with someone just because my partner was in a huff, especially if i’d only been with them a year.
They were friends, they’ve simply stopped having sex.
You either trust your dp or you don’t.

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 08:57

I think some posters really should think hard how they would be feeling in my shoes

I did do. If I didnt trust my partner wanted to be with me and still wanted to shag someone else, I wouldn't be with him.

I wouldnt be with him, make him end a friendship then keep checking his social media and kick off because he replied 'thanks'.

Nor do I think that all dps exs are gagging to have him back. No matter how great i think he is.

Sandybval · 08/08/2019 08:57

He's obviously made his decision to keep contact despite you asking, so it's up to you really. I see both sides, it's horrible dictating who someone can and can't speak to, but in this scenario I can see why you aren't happy with it.

ShatnersWig · 08/08/2019 08:57

ScarJo you say My partner has female friends and that's no problem but if any of them had been fwb then not a chance would I be comfortable with that.

So by the same token then, if your partner was still friends with his first wife, you wouldn't like it? How would he co-parent if you didn't permit him to have dealings with her?

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 08:59

If a woman posts that she is suspecting her husband is having an "EA" or getting "too close to a female friend" the advice is always to tell him how it makes her feel and to ask him to cut contact so why is this different? Isn't that still controlling?

Theres no EA.

He said thanks. If someone has stepped over the line into having an EA, while being in a relationship......that's totally different to this situation.

ScarJo · 08/08/2019 09:02

@MyNameisBetty regardless of what any of the other posters say I do agree with you. It would be different if it was all females or platonic friends but someone who they had a sexual history with is a boundary for me. And, as mumsnet has taught me, I'm allowed to assert my own boundaries.

Whether my dp is okay with my boundaries is up to him but if he wasn't then it would be a case of we are incompatible and go our separate ways.

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