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Original poster

DP’s former FWB on social media

270 replies

MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 08:00

I have been with my DP for over a year. We were friends for a while before becoming a couple and therefore we are aware of each other’s previous relationships. Too aware at times... I wish I didn’t know so much detail and I wish I had given him so much private info.

My DP has a former FWB who lives in the US. They used to sext regularly and met up a few times for sex when she was in the UK for business.

When we became involved with each other seriously they continued to interact occasionally on social media and, at first, I just ignored it. He said they’d stopped messaging and I believe he’s telling the truth about that.

A few months ago she made a few posts which I felt were inappropriate commenting on his looks etc. Just too intimate-sounding. One was on an instagram with his daughter, who I am trying to build a relationship with. He deleted the comments at my request.

I said I felt uncomfortable about them continuing to follow each other. He said he felt I was being over sensitive but that (reluctantly) he would unfollow her on all platforms and message her to make it clear he had met someone now and that he wanted to cut contact.

Her response was that she was surprised he’d told me about her at all and that she would miss seeing his posts.

For the last few months there has been no interaction - but then yesterday he posted about a work related success and she posted congratulating him. He responded with a thanks. All very harmless-looking on the surface. But still an interaction when he’d said he would cut contact.

We ended up having a long argument by text about it. He thinks she’s done nothing ‘wrong’ and doesn’t seem to get why I want him to stop responding to her on all platforms.

I know that if the tables were turned he would be very upset about a former fuckfriend maintaining contact with me.

OP posts:
sassandfaff · 08/08/2019 11:52

Betty.

Ignore all the 'how old are you' 'controlling' comments. And 'this is not healthy'

Boundaries are subjective. They are usually formed around individual's experiences and understandung. They can also be personality based. What might bother someone greatly....might make another person laugh.

This is your relationship. If he is reneging on something he agreed with you, then that is a problem. It becomes a trust issue. I would be as upset as you.

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 11:53

Some women are just nasty and have no moral compass. She is one of them.

Wow! You know her really well do you?

Saying thanks shouldnt cause you so much upset.

Your reaction is completely over the top.

Tennesseewhiskey · 08/08/2019 11:55

But it annoys me that it feels like this woman is taking the piss basically and was showing she still sees him as a booty call for all to see

You really have a problem with this woman.

You don't actually know that was her intention.

She told someone who was a friend 'congratulations'. That's it.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2019 12:00

Oh good another one today.

Op am I being unreasonable.
Mumsnet yet
Op no I'm know and I'm very depressed you don't all agree with me.

Look assuming she's wanting to have sex with him again is a bit of a leap. And even if she does. Who cares. The question is do you trust him.

If you don't end it. If you do, stop being all arsey about an inane comment.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 08/08/2019 12:03

Some women are just nasty and have no moral compass. She is one of them.

Some women control their partners and have no moral compass. Swings and roundabouts OP.

I have exes on my SM, so does DP. No issue whatsoever. Because we're adults in a committed relationship, that doesn't require caveats for speaking to people.

ShatnersWig · 08/08/2019 12:03

Some women are just nasty and have no moral compass

Please explain why she has no moral compass. I hope this isn't some form of "slut shaming" and that your issue is how dare she have no strings casual sex with a man without the two of them being in, you know, a relationship when both of them were single. I mean, what appalling morals to have sex outside of a relationship.

Oh, but then your now partner must also have no moral compass either, as he willingly engaged in sex with her.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2019 12:07

Op do you actually know this woman? As In how much time have you spent with her to make all these judgements?

I have to be honest and say you simply sound deeply jealous and insecure. I'm assuming you Perceive her as attractive, confident, successful whatever and a threat to you, possibly more attractive, confident, successful whatever than you think you are, and that is what's causing the deep seated jealousy?

LolaSmiles · 08/08/2019 12:07

Some women are just nasty and have no moral compass. She is one of them.
No. You dislike the fact they are friends and used to sleep together so have decided she's some malicious homewrecker who is out to ruin your relationship.

People are free to set whatever boundaries they like in a relationship.
They are also free to accept or reject other people's boundaries and leave the relationship if they aren't happy.

I've sent much more funny/jokey/compliments messages to people and them to me. If DH told me they were mean nasty people with no moral compass he's be getting his ass kicked into shape or I'd be off.
I have my ex on social media. Sometimes we comment each other. Maybe my DH should panic that a friendship turned relationship from a decade ago is clearly a booty call waiting to happen.Hmm

WhoKnewBeefStew · 08/08/2019 12:09

I think you are BU OP. Fwb are just that, friends who sleep together. Sounds like he's reduced contact and is no longer romantically involved with her, but they are still 'friends' after all.

He may not do as you ask, but just because you ask, doesn't mean he has to do it

sassandfaff · 08/08/2019 12:09

"I said I felt uncomfortable about them continuing to follow each other. He said he felt I was being over sensitive but that (reluctantly) he would unfollow her on all platforms and message her to make it clear he had met someone now and that he wanted to cut contact.

Her response was that she was surprised he’d told me about her at all and that she would miss seeing his posts."

Moral compass aside.....

Why would she post on one of his pictures after this?

Genuinely. I'm interested to know what others think.

Original poster
MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 12:13

My moral compass comment was because of the stuff he’d told me about her before we got together. And boy does he regret telling me...

She has multiple partners. Sex is just sex. No strings. Booty calls. She doesn’t care if these man have a CF or wife.

Call me old fashioned and a slut shamer, but I prefer just the one man at a time and it would mortify me if I felt I’d upset another woman by even an innocent flirt. I just wouldn’t do it. Let alone what she was posting a few months back.

I was married for over 20 years previously and so was he. Post divorce I had a few short term relationships and so did he (we compared notes). This was his one and only experience of a FWB.

I just want to draw a line under this and for his previous fuckbuddy to fuck off,

OP posts:
Wishihad · 08/08/2019 12:13

Why would she post on one of his pictures after this?

Because it's been a while and something good has happened for him.

He didnt agree to block her. He agreed to not make contact.

She said congratulations. She probably didnt realise all contact, forever has been banned.

Ffs if a woman was posting her dp was carrying on like this because she replied thanks on social media, everyone would be telling her he is abusive, that he cant tell her who she can and cant speak to.

This woman isnt even in the country. I very much doubt she has become celibate because he is in a relationship. She has, more than, likely got on with her life, slept with other people. She simply saw that something good had happened to a friend and said congratulations.

Not the crime of the century.

Original poster
MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 12:14

GF

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/08/2019 12:15

Genuinely. I'm interested to know what others think

But she's not continued to post, it's been eight months and she sent him one congratulations. No less no more. I don't see an issue with that.

The op is clearly jealous, and sees her as a threat. She says she trusts him, but clearly thinks given the option he'd be with her, maybe would compare the op to her and find the op lacking. So she's trying to make sure that never happens by ensuring he has no contact ever.

It's ridiculous. If he wishes to be with this woman, and her him, they would be together, the op kicking off and trying to control him is hardly going to make him all dewy eyed about the op. He's just going to think she's jealous and controlling.

It's one of these things. You do it to protect what you have, but it has the opposite effect of pushing your partner away and making them think less of you, not more.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2019 12:16

I was married for over 20 years previously and so was he

That's a surprise. I genuinely thought you were very young. Early twenties at most.

Original poster
MyNameisBetty · 08/08/2019 12:17

Not in isolation it isn’t no...

But is it OK for her to be able to just open up lines of communication again? Keep him on her booty call list?

OP posts:
Ozziewozzie · 08/08/2019 12:18

Op I’m with you.
Firstly she lives abroad. So I would be asking what benefit now the sex and flurtiness has been removed, is there.
How important is this FWB compared to his relationship with you?
She has been made aware of you and they have ‘agreed’ to cease contact, yet they still contact each other? That is belittling your feelings and relationship.
Basically, he is fluffing her feathers and she is fluffing his. Apart from that, there is very little for the two of them to have contact about.
It has nothing to do with the fact that she has a vagina. It’s more the fact that this was the only motivation. Of course their relationship was all perfect and lovely and fun. They lived miles away from each other to actually piss each other off.
Op is in the throws of a day to day relationship which I’m assuming is not about giggles and sex. She’s feeling threatened and quite right too. Only a twat would expect his partner to put up and shut up with this. How about people focus on their own self confidence building, rather than screwing up the confidence of the very person they are claiming to ‘love’ by not being able to let go of someone they claim to ‘not love or be really bothered sbout’
Op is not controlling at all. Her dp is. He has all the balls in his hours and is keeping 2 women hanging on his every word. It’s sad and pathetic.

I’d call him out on this. I’d say, ‘ I love you, and because I love you the last thingbibwsntbyk fonis come between you and such a good friendConfused. Therefore, I’m going to walk away as the last thing I want to seem is controlling. I’d just prefer someone to have more respect for our relationship. Hug him and then strut your stuff away from him.
She’s not been there for him. She’s not family. She’s a recent fuck buddy. They are both getting kicks out of this. Why on earth should OP endure this useless excuse for a ‘friendship’?

sassandfaff · 08/08/2019 12:18

If my fuckbuddy had started a new relationship, and said his new gf didn't like me commenting, I'm not sure what would possess me to comment again....... and that would be before he had said he wants to end contact.

It's odd.

M0RVEN · 08/08/2019 12:19

I’m not sure how saying “ congratulations “ is keeping someone on her booty call list .

You seem to be really struggling with this. Do you think that issues from past relationships might be clouding your judgement ?

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 12:19

She has multiple partners. Sex is just sex. No strings. Booty calls. She doesn’t care if these man have a CF or wife.

And yet she was good enough for him to have sex with and sext?

That's your issue. That you judge her morals.

She could only sleep with married men ......that doesnt mean he has to sleep with her.

What she likes sexually or decides to do morally, is nothing to do with you or him. She doesnt get to sleep with him, because she wants to (if she, even, wants to).

If you trusted him, you wouldnt have an issue.

Sounds like you feel, for whatever reason, inadequate when it comes to her.

And boy does he regret telling me..

This is a very concerning statement. Why would he regret telling you about someone else? Why are you giving him shit about her past?

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 12:20

But is it OK for her to be able to just open up lines of communication again? Keep him on her booty call list?

You have made the jump from congratulations to 'you are still on my booty call list'

You are the one with the issue.

Wishihad · 08/08/2019 12:21

Op is not controlling at all. Her dp is. He has all the balls in his hours and is keeping 2 women hanging on his every word. It’s sad and pathetic.

Every word. He hasnt had any contact with her for months.

How is that hanging on his every word?

P1218120699 · 08/08/2019 12:23

I wouldn't be comfortable if it was someone he'd already had a sexual relationship with. If it was just a friends that's different.

LucyLeak · 08/08/2019 12:24

I'm with you OP, your gut is telling you something. I wouldn't like this either. At only a year in, you should be feeling like you and your man are the greatest team, not like he's keeping his options open! I have previously been a FWB, when it ended we cut all contact.

YesQueen · 08/08/2019 12:24

What's wrong with multiple partners and booty calls if you're single? Nothing!

I have been on and off with my FWB for 19 years, and yes we stay in touch when he has a girlfriend. I met him at 13, we grew up together, we are friends whether we have sex or not