DP’s former FWB on social media

[MyNameisBetty]

I have been with my DP for over a year. We were friends for a while before becoming a couple and therefore we are aware of each other’s previous relationships. Too aware at times... I wish I didn’t know so much detail and I wish I had given him so much private info.

My DP has a former FWB who lives in the US. They used to sext regularly and met up a few times for sex when she was in the UK for business.

When we became involved with each other seriously they continued to interact occasionally on social media and, at first, I just ignored it. He said they’d stopped messaging and I believe he’s telling the truth about that.

A few months ago she made a few posts which I felt were inappropriate commenting on his looks etc. Just too intimate-sounding. One was on an instagram with his daughter, who I am trying to build a relationship with. He deleted the comments at my request.

I said I felt uncomfortable about them continuing to follow each other. He said he felt I was being over sensitive but that (reluctantly) he would unfollow her on all platforms and message her to make it clear he had met someone now and that he wanted to cut contact.

Her response was that she was surprised he’d told me about her at all and that she would miss seeing his posts.

For the last few months there has been no interaction - but then yesterday he posted about a work related success and she posted congratulating him. He responded with a thanks. All very harmless-looking on the surface. But still an interaction when he’d said he would cut contact.

We ended up having a long argument by text about it. He thinks she’s done nothing ‘wrong’ and doesn’t seem to get why I want him to stop responding to her on all platforms.

I know that if the tables were turned he would be very upset about a former fuckfriend maintaining contact with me.

M0RVEN Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. It's just taken eight years for you to find something we agree on (although I suspect, actually, a lot of the time you might agree with me more but we don't find ourselves on the same threads)

I'm seriously wondering how old (physically and mentally) the posters saying the OP isn't BU are? You sound like a bunch of 15 year olds with their first boyfriend.

I tend to lurk and very seldom post but I couldn't not comment on this.

I wonder how old the OP is, actually?

With the best will in the world OP, the issue is yours, not his. You expressed your concerns, he agreed not to contact her and even wrote to tell her so, all to keep you sweet. He hasn't contacted her. He acknowledged her congratulations.

Your issue is with her. He can't control her. But you can control your own insecurities. Or not. But I'd not allow anyone to tell me who I could or couldn't be friends with. An ex partner of mine didn't like me having friends of the opposite sex, all of whom had been around 10-20 years before we knew each other. He's an ex-partner for precisely that reason.

Your feelings are your feelings but you are visiting them on your partner. That's not on. If you trust him, then you need to let it go. If you don't trust him, then you need to let him go.

And for what it's worth, I find I regularly agree with ShatnersWig. Sorry M0RVEN

OP I get that it makes you insecure and worried because of her actions, but it comes down to whether you trust him or not. If you do, then it doesn't matter what she says or her tone etc because it will have ni impact on him.

I dated a guy I was friends with for years first. We agreed that we would only date if we both agreed to safeguard the friendship in the event of a breakup. We dated for a year and were friends for two years after that. Then he cut all contact with me because his new girlfriend said he had to and that it was inappropriate to be friends. It's horrible being on the other side and losing relationships because of a strangers insecurity.

Do yourself a favour and get rid of this man you're dating.

You are setting yourself up for a 'lifetime' of misery and checking up on him. The chances are you won't last anyway as you sound very young and have many years to find 'the one'.

@ShatnersWig

I’ll need to watch out what threads I’m on then. Don’t want this turning into a habit.

M0RVEN See, I'm not all bad really! And I appear to have a fan in PleaseGod although I'm a bit worried about that 666 of theirs

don't think YABU. Quite surprised that so many posters think otherwise. It's slightly controlling for you to ask to cut contact but I feel it's needed. Why on earth would you want your BF messaging his former fuckbuddy?! It might be innocent messages now but they've got a past so IMO it's a dangerous territory.

So, he has a history with his ex’s too, is he not allowed contact with them either?

I do think you are overreacting a bit here - he said thanks FFS! What was her comment?!
Do you trust him?

Fine.
I happy with my choices.
You happy with yours.

Op follow your instincts.

I cut contact with a fwb because it made him / dh uncomfortable.

I do not feel controlled.

In fact I have a free reign but am ok with this boundary because it's such a small deal.

She lives in another country. He only saw her a couple of times a year. She's making comments that are so overt that OP's friends are raising their eyebrows.

If folks would rather hold on to that 'friendship' (it sounds like a fuckbuddy more than a friend tbh) than their longterm relationship, then that's their prerogative.

My DH had a 'friend'. One he maintains nothing ever happened. She was the 1st person he added on FB.
He moved departments. I saw his phone bill. The same number over and over. Always ending communication on Fri night (when he got home) and starting up on sun night (when he travelled back to work) averaging 50 texts a week. And he was somewhere with no/poor phone signal.

I made contact to find out who she was (at this point i didnt know) and then I made him delete her off fb and cut contact. She's tried to add him twice since.

I don't care if that makes me controlling. This isn't the same as some abusive man who won't let his dp have friends. And you are watering down the abusiveness of that behaviour by calling any healthy self preservation boundary 'controlling'.

If it had been his childhood friend or an ex he'd been with for years, I could understand, but this sounds like a booty call when she landed in the UK.

OP. You should definitely trust your instinicts. And I think most people haven't picked up on you saying, he wouldn't like it the other way round.

My DH only ever sees it my way -when I do it to him. It's exhausting in a way, but I turn the tables on him all the time. Guess what? He sheepishly apologises and stops doing it.

And I think most people haven't picked up on you saying, he wouldn't like it the other way round

No, I saw that. Is that her assumption or has the subject actually been discussed so he has actually said he wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot? I suspect it's not the latter.

But point is still the same - she's not happy and if she genuinely believes he wouldn't be happy if it was the other way around, then it backs up an incompatibility and they should split.

I don't think she's controlling at all! These two are carrying on with their friendship, but the way they talk it's clearly closer than a normal friendship. She's basically an ex-girlfriend and they are both pissed off that they can't carry on in the same way.

OP, you need to look at this guy again. He clearly has different boundaries for himself than he would have for you.

I'd be miffed my boyfriend had misled me tbh, about lack of ongoing contact

Given that their relationship was chiefly sexting(messages, pics, vids), with infrequent sexual encounters whenever possible, I'd be unsettled to learn they were still in contact esp when he said they weren't

Terracotta Where has he misled the OP about "ongoing contact"? He unfollowed her and messaged her to say he wanted to cut contact and why. The woman replied and clearly he showed the OP that response - nothing hidden or misleading there. There was no more interaction for months. The woman sent a congratulations. He didn't contact her. She contacted him. He simply acknowledged the congratulations. How on earth can you call that "ongoing contact"? Or him lying to the OP about them being in contact?

We HAVE discussed if the tables are turned

He said he would be very jealous and wouldn’t like it.

That was why he agreed to cease contact.

That was why he agreed to cease contact.

And he did. And has. He hasn't contacted her. She contacted him, months later, he acknowledged it with one word rather than be rude and ignore the congratulations offered.

End of. Unless she continues to message him and he actively replies or initiates contact, then you are jumping the gun hugely and he's keeping to his word.

We HAVE discussed if the tables are turned

He said he would be very jealous and wouldn’t like it.

That was why he agreed to cease contact.

Oh fgs. How old are you both?

This is not indicative of a healthy adult relationship.

Agreeing to cease contact, doesn't mean agreed to not contact 1st.

Even one word, is contact. And in my world, it's a slippery slope. She now has her 'in'. She is now encouraged to comment more.

And by ‘cease contact’ he agreed not to contact her AND to ignore any future contact from her.

It may seem harmless - but she was told by him they that he had met someone and that therefore he did not want to be in contact - she’s deliberately ‘forgotten’. I see it as the thin end of the wedge - testing the water. What next? A sneaky sext? Message to say she’s in the UK next month. I don’t trust her.

Anyone posting here thinking they are old friends is very wrong. This ‘friendship’ was brief and based mainly on sex and sexting.

He’s raised with me all my exes I’m still friends with (who are married or in relationships and I know have no interest in having sex with me). This is totally different.

@sassandfaff exactly - it’s an ‘in’ - testing the water - slippery slope.

I ignored this shit for months ...until she wrote something crass on a post with his teenage daughter - it was highly inappropriate and showed blatantly that she still fancies him.

It is slightly irrelevant whether you trust her or not, the issue is do you trust him?
This is your issue to get over, you have the right to set your boundaries, and the right to walk away from him if he doesn't agree.
Personally I think you're over-reacting and verging on controlling, but if you can't cope with his boundaries in the relationship, walk away before things go on much longer. It's more stress than it's worth. If you can't even cope with him responding to one message then this relationship is likely to be a rough road for both of you.

As for him not being ‘rude’ and saying thanks.

That pales into insignificance based on the upset that this has caused to the woman he has said he’s in a committed relationship with.

Some women are just nasty and have no moral compass. She is one of them.

Yes I do trust him

But it annoys me that it feels like this woman is taking the piss basically and was showing she still sees him as a booty call for all to see. It’s not just ‘congratulations’ it’s a lot more than that.

This is not about her.
It's about you and him. Leave her out of it.