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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thinking of cheating on husband

194 replies

Isthischeating · 07/08/2019 08:14

I’ve nc for this.
We have been married for 7 years and very much love each other with a active sex life but I feel like there’s something missing.
A few week ago I met a man who is also married and we have been chatting which has now turned to sexing and sending pictures that have both of us planning on getting a hotel together. I’ve never cheated on him but this other guy just seems special. It would just be a once off and dh would never find out. I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
AloneLonelyLoner · 07/08/2019 10:24

So, and I say this as someone who shagged countless men when I was with my ex, my ex was an ultra violent, emotionally abusive fucker and I was desperate for affection where I could find it. I was also very young. Would I have done that if I loved him? Would I have done that if I were happy. No. Not at all.

I would suggest an open relationship to your husband or say that you want one. If he says no then decide where to go from there. If you really can't help yourself (🤣) then you'll do it. If you love your husband it'll make you feel shitty after and a few hours of furtive shagging isn't worth it (and I say hours, it may be minutes cos not that many men can go hours).

cansmellfreedom · 07/08/2019 10:25

I’d just do it without getting mumsnet involved??

Pensionista · 07/08/2019 10:27

You do not love your husband. You do not know the meaning of love. If you did you would never do something that could destroy his life. You are deluding yourselve if you think this would be a one off. Use the sexual chemistry you feel to show your husband how much you love HIM. You are cheapening the meaning of love. If you can't resist, you owe it to your husband to leave him.

RedWoollyHat · 07/08/2019 10:27

I think you're bored and loving the drama of this potential new affair. I think posting on here is just part of building the drama for yourself. It's a bit like when I used to work in bars and retail when I was younger and everyone was so bored they'd develop fixations they wouldn't have otherwise on co-workers/start flings/break up within a week, etc... It was just something to do. I've grown up since then mind.

Pensionista · 07/08/2019 10:28

'Yourself'

isthismylifenow · 07/08/2019 10:35
Hmm
jagack · 07/08/2019 10:39

If you want to be with someone else, display a tiny ounce of respect for your husband. Tell him, leave him and then be free to do whatever you want.

Original poster
Isthischeating · 07/08/2019 10:43

That’s the thing I don’t want to be with him just the once. I want my husband

OP posts:
Lilzpk · 07/08/2019 10:48

Talk to your husband, show him some respect and compassion, articulate to him what the " missing" part of your marriage is and at least give hike the opportunity to work on that with you, that would be honoring the commitment you made to him. You said you can't help how you feel, but you can help how you act, and you can influence your feelings by practising empathy, and trying to understand the hurt that your actions could cause. As it is you've gone across a line that could devastate two families.
There's always the possibility that he'd be ok with it, if you both agreed to sleep with other people

JollyAndBright · 07/08/2019 10:58

I don’t believe monogamy is for everyone, in fact I probably think a lot of people would be happier in nonmonogamous relationships.

That being said you chose to marry and commit to a monogamous relationship so you either have to stop this affair or end the relationship with your husband.
Cheating is completely unacceptable and would likely destroy your marriage and hurt your husband incredibly.

Hoppinggreen · 07/08/2019 11:02

Great idea OP, what could possibly go wrong?

SomewhereInbetween1 · 07/08/2019 11:07

OP, this is a truly horrid thing to do. What you have done, and what you are planning to go on to do is truly despicable. You show no regard for your husband, who you admit is lovely, or this other chap's wife. You are both the worst kind of people. Are you so weak-willed that you will throw away a happy marriage for a shag? I hope deep down you are better than that.

absofuckinglutley · 07/08/2019 11:08

So what happens if you do sleep with him "just the once". He is the most amazing sex ever and says all the right things. Can you leave at just the once? Walk away and say you have got it out of your system

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 07/08/2019 11:10
denirosknee · 07/08/2019 11:11

You don't love your husband. You can't love someone if you don't respect them, and if you respected him you wouldn't cheat on him.

Why did you even get married if your vows are so meaningless?

If something is missing from your marriage then you either try to fix it, or you end it. You don't get to pick the bits you like and discard faithfulness when it's not convenient.

PhilCornwall1 · 07/08/2019 11:14

If you don't think you've cheated as yet, show your husband all the messages, and all the pictures and see what he thinks.

If I was him, you'd then be out the door faster than a badger with its arse on fire.

denirosknee · 07/08/2019 11:15

you can’t help how you feel

And this is a lie people tell themselves so that they don't have to take responsibility.

You have fed these feelings by indulging them, but fantasising about this man, by sending him pictures. You've allowed them to grow to the point where they feel inevitable, because it suits you to be able to say you can't help yourself.

That is a lie. You can help yourself. You can refuse to indulge in what ifs and fantasies. You can consciously make an effort to commit to your husband.

HollowTalk · 07/08/2019 11:16

You can't think the other guy (if he exists) is that great, if you know now you will only want to sleep with him once.

joystir59 · 07/08/2019 11:20

Do you have an open marriage? If so what boundaries/ground rules are in place? You need to tell your husband that you want to spend one night with another man. Perhaps you married too young and before you truly understood what that meant. In any case you need to be honest with your OH and not carry on being unfaithful behind his back.

DecomposingComposers · 07/08/2019 11:20

Op, you say you want to be with your husband and want to grow old with him. You do realuse that once he finds out what is going on that the decision to be with him, to grow old with him won't be yours to make don't you?

How will you feel if you end up with nothing? Your husband divorces you and OM suddenly decides that his marriage isn't that bad and stays wiith his wife. Then what?

If you don't think this emotional affair is cheating why haven't you told your husband about it?

Closetbeanmuncher · 07/08/2019 11:20

But you're not giving your husband the authenticity he deserves are you OP?

A few dick picks doesnt really sound like a soul connection that transends the bonds of time and space to me. 🤤

Same old story....marry for security, then decide to rain down a shitstorm on every fucker elses life for 'attention' and 'novelty'.

At least admit that you cant be monogomous and give your husband the opportunity to have his jollies elsewhere also. This is authenticity.

Chocolate123 · 07/08/2019 11:22

Yes go ahead and cheat I'm sure it's going to make your marriage so much stronger Hmm

ScreamingLadySutch · 07/08/2019 11:28

You feel this way because there is a hole inside you that you are trying to fill up.

Therefore, it is fine to 'use' people and things and manipulate them for your benefit, in order to try and fill this internal emptiness.

That, essentially, is why this stuff gets immoral and is disapproved of.

Your husband IS NOT the issue.
The OM IS NOT the issue.
Your fantasy (because that is what it is) and the excitement WILL NOT fill your inner emptiness.

Stop this deceitful cruel behaviour and try and work out why you feel so empty (something is missing).

boosterrooster · 07/08/2019 11:33

It's like planning to deliberately crash your car or something. You know it's an absolutely stupid idea, why even bother asking?
Don't do it. You'll hate yourself after and possibly ruin 2 marriages
Try fix whatever is broken in your own marriage

over50andfab · 07/08/2019 11:34

Rather than just thinking of your own needs, I think you need to ask yourself a lot of questions before you go any further..E.g. what might be the outcome if:

You found having sex with the OM once wasn’t enough?
His DW found out, or your DH did?
You found the OM had in fact had cheated before - once, or more, would that change your view?
As above and he’d given you an STI
As above and you passed it on to your DH?
(Even with condoms there are still some STIs you could get)

Have you really taken into consideration everyone who might potentially be affected by this?

If the roles were reversed - you were faithful (with no intention of cheating) and your DH was having an affair, how would you feel?

Is it really worth the risk? And most of all causing so much hurt to someone you say you love?