My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

No stress prettybird I agree - most other authors just reference Gilbert anyway. I can feel the stress levels diminishing when I read his work.

When you've got 'my way or the highway' parents, sometimes you discover just how picturesque and free the highway seems.

@Lisette1940 it's quite an appealing thought!
Many thanks all for the reading recommendations. I will get started on Toxic Parents next I think, just downloaded it onto my kindle. Seeing my therapist tomorrow so I'll see if she recommends anything.

How was your session, Teddy? I hope it went well and was useful.

It is so easy to get into that mindset where obviously everything is your responsibility. I've been there and it took an awful lot of reminding myself that actually, everything is. "Is this mine?" was a question I was constantly asking myself - I'd been having counselling for over a year before I could step back enough to look and pose the question, so I do understand where you're coming from. Once I started telling myself that "this isn't mine and this isn't mine and nor is that or that etc" it got easier and easier to do it, so there is light at the end of that tunnel.

tbh, my dh was an arse and an abusive arse at that. I was flattened and my golden future disappeared in ashes. However, once I started NOT ACCEPTING that this thing here was my fault and that thing there was my fault and everything else wrong was my fault, dh actually started growing up. Now he's pretty OK though our relationship hasn't really recovered fully and I don't think it ever will.

NOT EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT
NOT EVERYTHING IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY
and
YOU CANNOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S HAPPINESS, you have to leave it to them.

Oh god, I've just re-read my post and I've said: " reminding myself that actually, everything is" when of course I meant
"reminding myself that NOT everything is". Oh that would be funny except it's not.

I am sorry to hear that you were so abused by your parents, who I can only call cruel. They were not disciplinarians, but violent child abusers. It seems as if your mother has not changed.

Your parents are lucky that you even still speak to them, never mind allow them access to your child. Your mother is an adult who should regulate her behaviour. Your child is a child ano wonder you defended him against your mother, with her awful track record. I hope that your DH will support you and realise the truth here.

Thank you for checking in @Jux , it was ok I think. She is still exploring the immediate feelings around the episode on hols, I don't really know what to expect to be honest!
Part of me wants her to 1. Agree with me then 2. Give me The Answer to all my problems 😀

That's not how good counsellors work - but at least you recognise that!

DearTeddy you can talk about that with her if you want, it might be useful.
If you said that to me I’d ask you why you thought my solution would be better than yours?

DearTeddyRobinson The counsellor/therapist will treat you with unconditional personal regard and support you to discover solutions for these difficult issues in your life. I wish you all of the best for your journey,

I completely agree with Herocomplex. Tell your therapist. I would expect her to respond pretty much how Hero has said she would; it's an opening to a very pertinent discussion.

Thank you Jux. Therapy only really works when there’s challenge along with the empathy.

If it’s of any value I think DearTeddy is going to really fly now, she’s got insight and motivation which is very powerful.

Thanks Team Teddy. I did say to her I wanted the answer! But also that I was really looking for a roadmap out of this place.
So she said, very wisely I thought, that we have to familiarise ourselves with the terrain, by going over the issues in detail, before we could draw up a map to get out.
So I suppose I just need to be patient, and honest with her and myself.
I do wonder where my marriage is going to end up. I still cannot believe H doesn't believe me. Fuck.

Ooh! I like the sound of your therapist!

You’re going to be ok, whatever happens!

Please can I have your therapist? She sounds really good, knows what she's doing.

Oh @Jux that's good t hear, I have no idea if I made the right choice as I basically picked one who was near my office

I hope you are doing ok, I agree the therapist sounds ace!