My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

Oh good lord Teddy, I do apologise !! What an error! I assumed because he got huffy with you that it was his mother!

I also grew up in a violent household, so I know the instant, visceral reaction you describe. It is possible to get over it with therapy - I did.

Thank you @verticality it has turned into a bit of a monster thread! Glad you have worked through these sorts of issues, I'm hopeful I can lay these demons to rest eventually. I don't want my kids growing up in fear like I did

You'll get out the other end a stronger, calmer person Teddy. You already sound like a lovely person and mother. Go TEAM TEDDY!!!

Thank you @AnnonniMoose, delighted to have you in team Teddy!!

Teddy I hope things are getting easier for you now. I am sorry this has come to a head, but it was always going to at some point.
Is your ds okay? Remember one day at a time, and take care of you

Thank you @lovelookslikethis.
I still feel very shaky about everything but you know what, I'm not sorry I whacked the old cow. She hit my son. No way.
Not sure if I will ever truly feel regret!

Hi OP
I'm absolutely horrified by your husband's reaction.
Abusive parents are hard enough to deal with even when you have a supportive partner.
I don't think I've ever come across a mumsnet thread by someone who is being abused quite so badly by their parents AND their partner at the same time
I am so glad you've started therapy. Obviously there is going to be a lot to work on. And while you are taking responsibility for your own behaviour I think you have always been conditioned to take the blame. Your self loathing is often for emotions and reactions that are completely human, reasonable and understandable. You have been abused and beaten down but there is still a person inside there who can't help but lash out sometimes.
I suspect that your "anger issues" will disappear when you are free (mentally and emotionally) of your toxic parents and husband.
The fact is that you are not angry towards your son. You're probably not angry at work either. You are angry with your parents and husband, the people who abuse you and let you down!

You've already had good recommendations for the stately homes thread and the freedom programme. I just wanted to mention these books: "Toxic parents" by Susan forward and "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Good luck. I'm rooting for you.

Nor should you after years of abuse. It is not you that should be feeling ashamed. It is not you that attacked a defenceless small child.
Take the high road, and keep a dignified silence. The second you try to defend what happened to anyone, you are allowing all of them a way in to attack you.

Choose to focus your entire energy on your children, talking through what happened (thus feeling stronger for the future) and allowing your husband to eventually come to his senses (with a little luck)
At some point you will need to have a meaningful conversation with your husband about your new boundaries, your feelings about your childhood and what you expect you from him.

TeamTeddy just got real.

Thank you @AnotherEmma. You hit on something my new therapist asked me - I'm not actually an angry person! I'm happy at work, with the kids, out and about etc and I have lots of lovely friends- I don't tend to 'fall out' with people. It's just this one area where I can't control my rage.
Several people have recommended the Toxic Parents book so I will see if I can download it onto my kindle for a bit of light reading on the tube

Totally behind you and just to say after nearly eight years away from my abusive lot I have changed so much. I'm rarely if at all angry and I make such an effort to my kids to be everything they were not to me. It can be done and you'll be just fine. Toxic people remain toxic people. People like us who can see what's wrong can adapt our behaviour to improve. Feel guilty for nothing you said or did to her. I know I didn't when I let mine have it finally after years of fear. My kids and I couldn't be happier. Wishing you all the best x

Dh says that the Pete Walker book "Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving" (I linked to it early in this thread, as well as a link to a full PDF of the book) also explains the anger. It's normal to feel it.

Really glad you are seeing a counsellor now. Dh has been going to see one for about 2 years; now only goes every fortnight, but we both agree that it's a worthwhile investment.

As he says: he's 60 now. You don't just "unmake" conditioning overnight that happened so many years ago and is now ingrained whatever your not so dear h says But you can learn to understand it and react differently. I've seen the difference in him - he's not so quick to snap and attack (his form of defence, after years of being put down by his mother ) ....but he's still learning that it's ok for others to have different opinions to him: they might be right, they might be wrong, but it's not a personal attack on him and no, he's not always right

Thank you @prettybird I will have a look at that one as well.
I'm glad your DH is on the mend, it's good to know it's possible and that I really could change x

Hello Teddy - any word from your parents since you left? Have you gone LC or NC with them before? Do you have contact with any other family members who can help and support you?

Hi @cafenoirbiscuit , no contact with them
or my sister since we left. I don't expect anything to be honest as in their minds, I'm the bad guy. I have gone LC with them before and I don't think they noticed

I'm just entering year four of not hearing from my parents after they walked out during a visit. I have written to ask them to get help because they don't get on but it's been radio silence since.

It's sad Teddy but in the end sometimes you've just have to let them go. #Teamteddy

Also from personal experience, the wider family flee and don't want to get involved.

Enjoy the silence love. You’re NC now and yeah they will have noticed... they’re waiting for you to crawl back

Don’t.

I had a thought a out your dh (someone could have vot.to.it quicker than me, but It's g late and yoU've only been reading op's recent posts - apologies), but he's pretending that your 'violence' is the problem, and not his alcoholism; now that you slapped your mum he's picked that up as furthe r validation with the brilliant consequence (for him) that IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!! So he can be angry with you over your attitude to his drinking which he probably couldn't before.

Can be go to visit his mum or something? I have a feeling he will make life harder and harder for you over the coming months.

Keep your cards very close t o your chest.

Having read through the thread I'm another one not sure you did a thing wrong in the situation. Woman was holding your son, pinching and shouting abuse, you told her to let go and she didn't? Sharp slap round the face sounds proportionate to get her to let go without risk of further hurting the child. If you'd tried to pull her off as some posters describe, she was holding child, child would just be pulled along too. Even if after the event you can see a better way, in the moment it's hard to think straight, you just want the child free. It is rational to be angry when someone is hurting a child.

I wonder if to some degree you are reflecting other people's reactions? Viz your parents who are abusive, and your DH who believes your parents' minimisation of what the actual situation was (and your historic abuse at their hands too).

Wishing you all the very best in finding a good way forward OP.

@Jux you make a good point. It's easier for everyone to appoint me as the official Bad Guy than take responsibility for their own shitty behaviour. And I am SO used to it that I still believe it to a large extent. Like, yes I am a nasty person, everyone thinks that because it's true. I am difficult to deal with and unreasonable.
It must be so easy when you can shift all your guilt or whatever on to someone else, and feel like you have a clear conscience/are an innocent victim

Dh also recommends "The Compassionate Mind" by Paul Gilbert.

Gilbert is one of the experts in that area. I've a few books in compassionate based mindfulness. Really worth reading Gilbert.

So does dh - but I don't want to overwhelm Teddy with a massive reading list

I have been following this thread for a while. Full kudos to you DearTeddy for acknowledging you need help. I’m so sorry for how your DH has responded. I’ve been with my DH for 15 years, married for 12 (in two weeks) and only found out two years ago (we had separated due his depression that he refused to acknowledge and went to couples therapy) just how abusive his upbringing had been. I knew his step father had been “a disciplinarian” (my husband’s description) but it took the therapy for him to realise it was outright abusive. Much like you, he was the scapegoat while his siblings (step dad’s children) were golden children. It was absolutely gut wrenching to hear and I cried for him. I couldn’t imagine minimising it or not believing him! He’s actually starting therapy again tomorrow for himself.