My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

Yeah your mother is evil. I don't condone hitting of any kind and you were wrong to hit in retaliation but I get why you did. Your concept of what's right and wrong when it comes to anger management is all wrong because of your stupid parents. She doesn't deserve your apology. I suggest you get as far away from these abusive dicks as possible and get some counselling.

They don’t sound as though they should have any unsupervised contact with your son, OP. Actually, they clearly can’t behave appropriately full stop. It’s not surprising you’ve tried to normalise things as an adult or that you have problems with anger; it would have been far too dangerous for you to express any anger when you were growing up.

Sorry you’re going through this OP, I am no contact with my narcissistic mother and relish the peace and mental wellbeing it brings. Took me until being in my 50s to come to terms with the fact that she could never be the mother I deserve. Is there any chance you could continue your holiday elsewhere without your parents? Poor kids must be so confused. Hope it gets sorted for you all.

You say you have a lot of anger because of what your parents done to you in your childhood? Yes I agree but to be honest I think natural instincts kicked in, your child got hit and intimidated by a adult! Wether she was 72 or 22? Whether she was your mother or a random fucking person!! A caring, loving protective mother will naturally protect their young regardless the person! Ok slapping her in front of your son was wrong, I would of removed my child then gave her a slap! End of!
Your H is probably more angry of the fact you hit her in front of DS (that should be only reason why he's pissed off, not the fact she is 72!)

It's all kinds of fucked up. I'm desperate not to repeat the cycle with my kids. I know they can be annoying but genuinely DH and I are pretty strict on behaviour so it's not like we were sitting around laughing while he was setting fire to things or something.
I could just tel my mum was dying to get her hands on him and show him 'who's boss' you know?
I really don't think I ever thought of my childhood as abusive. My sister was the good one so she never really got punished like I did. She doesn't really remember any of it apparently. And obviously there were good bits too. I suppose having my own kids has made me think a lot about parenting in general

Shocked at your DH being so unsupportive, especially saying that you are exaggerating what happened in your childhood- surely your parents' behaviour is evidence of what they are like.
I would have done exactly what you did in your situation if someone had done that to my DS and I don't think you should be apologising to anyone, quite the opposite.

Would you consider going no contact with them? I speak as someone that had a shit childhood and went NC with my parents.. I am a different person after a few years of allowing myself to heal and process everything away from them. My DS gets a calmer and happier mum and childhood as a result. Do you have good friends, people that can support you through this? You will be in shock at the moment as current events will be linking back in your mind to the trauma of your childhood. I hope you're as okay as you can be

Your therapist sounds perceptive.

I also notice you say you expected abuse. How much kindness do the adults in your life normally show you?

Oh OP I am so sorry your parents are abusive arsenals, you would have thought they'd mellow with age.

You tried to protect your son, if you hadn't hit her I am 100% sure she would have punched you. It is far better your son saw you stick up for him rather than seeing you be a victim too. Not that I'm saying you did the right thing, it just could have been worse.

The thing with DH is that if he comes from a non violent background he will find it inconceivable to hit your mum. BUT, he married you, should know you and should know that this is not normal for you. You do not need to apologise to him and I would never apologise to her. You apologise to your kids, but you acted instinctively to protect them.

OP you may have PTSD. thinking of you xxx

Have they apologised for how they hit you? It doesn't seem so. So why do you feel the need to apologise to your mother. You can tell her, 'I'm sorry I lowered myself to your level with that slap - and I have still been waiting my whole adult life for you to apologise for what you did to me in my childhood'.
I think for your children's mental health you should not let them be in their granparents lives, otherwise they will be confused about what normal relationships are in terms of violence. Hitting a child is never okay.
I can't advice on the situation with your husband other than to say stand your ground, you know what happened to you and you know it was wrong.
You were fiercely protecting your child so your child will know what happened to them was wrong.
I really hope you can get councelling when you are home so you can come to terms with your abusive childhood.
Much strength to you.

I am sorry that this has all blown up, but I hope that it will be a catalyst for healing, OP.

Having a right to be angry is one thing, OP. Anger management is about managing your anger so that you don't behave inappropriately, like strike people. Don't be too hard on yourself, but maybe try another anger management course and some counselling to break those patterns.

We often regress to familiar patterns when we’re under extreme stress. The trick is to break the cycle, recognise where your flash points are and prevent getting into them. Don’t see your parents more than you need to, have a very frank conversation with your DH about your vulnerabilities.
You have my sympathy, I bet you’re suffering x

Oh hell you vipers are being really kind. I will look into some more counselling.
@Awwlookatmybabyspider I did suggest to my husband that he fucking stay here with them, then they could all have a lovely bitch about me.
We're going to a hotel for the rest of the holiday so it's not totally ruined just costing a bomb

Your DH sounds very unsupportive. What your parents did to you - wrenching you out of the shower and holding you down etc etc - was just disgusting. Does your DH know about that??
As for slapping your 72 year old mother - she deserved it. Speaking to your DS like he is a little criminal and pinching him.

You've done nothing wrong. Keep your DS close and have courage and conviction in your actions. You did right to protect your DS from the evil bitch.

Your parents are abusive, you should go NC with them.

Violence is never good, and there is never a reason for it, but I also understand why you did it. You need to break the cycle with your dc, you showed them that you will always protect them (albeit the wrong way).

Im with bran

Put lots and lots of space between you and your parents. And then some more.

Have the counselling, cbt, whatever you need. Beating you while naked as a teenager is horrific.

Your counsellor thought you were justified in your reaction to your dh? That really makes me wonder what your dh is like day-to-day.

I could just tel my mum was dying to get her hands on him and show him 'who's boss' you know?

Yes. I definitely know. My parents were/are the same. I'm NC for similar incidents. I think I would really be questioning my relationship with my DH too if he was blaming me for this.

My god she hit your son and people are saying you were wrong to hit her back. You were protecting him for gods sake. Her age is nothing to do with it, 72 is not particularly old and if she can give it she can damn well take it. . To be honest I would go no contact. They are obviously toxic and your children do not need them in their lives. Get them away from them before they do any long term damage to your kids.

You need to stop all contact with your parents. It's drastic but it's the only option. You CANNOT have them around your children and how else could you keep them in your life?
Then you need to seriously consider your marriage. Your husband is selfish, drinks too much and doesn't give a shit about your abusive childhood. You've assaulted him on several occasions. This is not acceptable.
If you could get some therapy and bring your husband in to some of it to help you and help him to understand you then great. But would your husband be capable of that?
Your priority must be digging through your abusive childhood and your anger issues. If your marriage is an impediment to that then it needs to be culled.

DearTeddy, I actually gasped out loud when you said one of your parents would hold you while the other hit you!

I agree with PP who has suggested you apologise for hitting DM, but only because you will feel better when you do (I don't think she deserves an apology!) and it is a good example to DS.

You also need to sit down calmly with DH and explain what your parents were really like - discipline is one thing (I was smacked) but sounds to me like you parents were abusive.

You know this aggression and violence is wrong, so you can do something about it. Sending you love and strength to take the right steps.

Have your children seen you hitting their father? I presume your 6 year old saw you hitting your mother?
Please for all of your sakes, seek proper professional help.

I’m not sure what other posters think, but I’d be inclined to show your H this thread. He needs to see what you’ve been through is really not ok and he needs to support and help you.

You seem to have very little self respect OP and that's not surprising after what happened to you when you were young. You must go NC with these people before they destroy your own family. Aside from that, you need to seriously think about your relationship with your H; that's not healthy, he hasn't got your back nor your child's.

Where is your husband's anger at the person who is much bigger and stronger than your DS and chose to chase him, hit him hard and pinch his face?

I really didn't think my childhood as abusive.
Well you wouldn't. You were living it. So. It was totally normal to you.

Sorry, she hit your child and you are in the wrong for hitting her. How is that the right analysis?

You need to keep away from people who think it's ok to behave towards your child like that. I would never leave my child with people like that even to go make a cup of tea/nip to the loo.

I do think you need to get some help to deal with your past - but tbh I'm thinking that help needs to help to get to the point where you accept your parents are not the kind of people you need to spend time with. They are never going to provide you with a "picture book" family experience.

In the meantime when you are calm you need to talk to your child and promise you will do your absolute best to keep him safe. I would acknowledge that he saw you hit 'm' but say you were so upset because of what she did to him, that hitting isn't the answer but you were very upset.

Separately I think you need to be utterly honest with 'h' about all the background to this and how your parents treated you as a child.

You poor poor thing that you continue your relationship despite all the abuse. Please don't put yourself or dc in that position again op. Xxxxx