My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

Please feel free to pm me, and I'll tell you how I left my abusive ex (with a mortgage and no money).

I don't want to leave my house. I don't want the kids lives to be disrupted.
He's now saying, I've had 8 years of your temper and I've had enough.
I've had 8 years of his bloody drinking but that's not relevant I suppose

I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to talk to anyone

It sounds more and more like he's jumped on this as an excuse.

Don't be embarrassed AT ALL. Be proud.

My otherwise completely supportive DH told me once that he thought adults past the age of 25 cannot ever blame their upbringing for their own shitty behaviour/depression/risk taking and they need to just grow up. That's easy for him to say because he had a wonderful childhood with a lovely extended family and supportive parents. He cannot see how wrong he is. I've vaguely tried to explain that it's just not as simple as that but I haven't forced the issue, mainly because I have managed to put a lot of my issues behind me, but I'm 40 so I overshot his age 25 deadline by a fair margin.

What I'm getting at is that it can be really difficult for people to empathise who have no experience of what you've been through. I'd love to be able to recommend some books for him, maybe some other wiser posters can.

At this stage I'd take a big step back and don't rush into anything. You've all had a bit of a shock and things need to settle. If after having chance to talk it over calmly and objectively he cannot accept your position then you can take action, but be kind to yourselves and give yourselves some time and space to decompress.

Oh but cross posted, I'd simply say to your H "that's interesting" and leave him to it for a while. Don't engage, if he is playing on your insecurity then match him at his own game and remain detached.

My money says he doesn't want to leave either so you will have to find a way forward together, just not right now!

I don't want to break up our little family. He knows I would get on my knees and beg him not to do this to the kids.
I will wait to see what he actually does. My moneys on, nothing. I'm the breadwinner and out earn him by approx 4x. He doesn't want to go back to living like a student.

Whatever you decide though, please do the Freedom Program. I told my ex I was doing a 'confidence building course', and he thought that was great, as I had such low confidence (of course the fact I'd suffered DA from him for years had nothing to do with that ). The FP gave me the courage to finally leave, but even if you're not at that point yet, the program will help you so much.

I can't see how he can think what you did to your mother was "wicked". You were defending your DS from someone who was physically hurting him. You'd asked her to stop and she hadn't! What were you supposed to do....stand and watch while she carried on pinching and intimidating your DS?

To be honest I wouldn't want to be married to someone who thought like this.

I do think though the fact you've been physically violent to him in the past blurs things. He maybe thought you'd got on top of your temper and is now worried you haven't? He is maybe concerned that he could be hit again in the future? It's quite possible if it wasn't for you having hit him in the past he wouldn't be responding this was.

You are right @VivaLeBeaver. He sees me as a violent person whose violence is now escalating.

He's probably right

If you out earn him by that much maybe just ask him to leave if you can afford to? If he doesn't believe you and is this lacking in respect for you can you really conceive of a future with him? Take back the power for yourself as it doesn't seem like you've done anything wrong, do continue with the therapy though & if you really do want to try and save the relationship suggest maybe therapy together, he needs to hear about & be made to believe that you have had these terrible experiences.

He won't leave. In his mind he has done nothing wrong so why should he?

He thinks it's ok for your parents to assault your son and is presumably a heavy or dependent drinker, he isn't innocent but sounds very manipulative.

Oh, you out earn him.
So this is a stick to beat you with.
Do not play this game, you are not wrong, you defended your children.

He has done something wrong though, he has taken your abusive parents side & undermines you. Also it seems a bit like he is gaslighting you trying to make out that you're lying so he can tell you you're 'wicked' and violent.

You absolutely can make him leave if you want him to go, if he is threatening lawyers i'd suggest he go, at least for a few days so you can both get some distance. He was the one taking the side of the people hurting your child so I don't think he can threaten anything wrt you being violent!

I'm the breadwinner and out earn him by approx 4x
you've got the whip hand here, how do you want to use it?

He repeated that he believes I have exaggerated my childhood experiences and in any case, it is unrelated to hitting my mother, which was 'wicked'
he is just trying to fuck with your head, this is all just tactics to try and get back in control of the situation, controlling the narrative etc.
Anyway, this is between you and your parents, if I have conflict with my family members my other half doesn't start trying to control it.
This is very insulting and attacking behavior, picking a fight with you after all the stress and trauma, he's kicking you while you're down

He’s gaslighting the fuck out of you. Don’t you dare fall for it @DearTeddyRobinson. You are a damn good mother who was defending her child against abusive adults who were determined to hurt him. That is your upper hand. Keep that in mind always. He wants to separate so call his bluff.

If you can’t physically get him out of the house, relegate his sorry ass to the couch. That should jog his memory back to student days for a bit. In the meantime, change all your passwords (incl. phone unlock code) and clear out your contributed money from the joint accounts before he does, because you just know he will. Find a lawyer or call Women’s Aid to help you.

I know this is hard right now but you need to get angry. You’ll vacillate between extreme sadness and anger but the point is to keep going back to that anger at how much he’s willing to manipulate you, how his alcoholism has affected you, how he wouldn’t defend his own son from being beaten and how many people he was willing to hurt just for some vaguely promised inheritance money. Harness that anger for good and to move forward.

Ultimately, be glad that the trash took itself out.

He doesn't need to be in the wrong to leave.

Chuck him out. Let him deal with the fallout.

why is he doubling down, why is he using this as an opportunity to put the boot in? It just makes him look predatory.

So his MIL assaults his son but he’s focusing on telling his wife, she’s a liar (re her childhood).

He has seriously fucked up priorities.

Any loving husband would be supporting his wife.

He's afraid you'll leave, not that he loves you but he'll have to do all the mental load shitwork and look after children without you. He's doubling down and wolfpacking because he is shitting his pants.

I would do all your planning on the quiet. Even if there is a short-term financial hit, ignore the sunk-cost fallacy.

And you aren't breaking up the family - you are making up the family by cutting out cancerous dead weight.

@JohnMcCainsDeathStare

And you aren't breaking up the family - you are making up the family by cutting out cancerous dead weight.

^ Hear hear.

Why is everyone blaming DH for @DearTeddyRobinson behaviour?

You have smacked your mum in the face and are excusing it with your childhood history, but yet you put your son in the middle of it by going on a family holiday with the people who abused you, and now everyone is blaming your husband???

If this happened here SS would be asking the very same questions i just have. Your DH has every right to be annoyed, you and your parents are violent people who behaved appallingly in front of a small child, yet only on Mumsnet do you find keyboard warriors supporting violence because apparently she deserved it.

You are no better than your parents, you have an anger problem. Stop using your childhood as your excuse to use violence towards your mum. You of all people should know better. All your DS has seen is violence seems to be the way to resolve issues. Stop with the excuses and stop asking Mumsnet for justification for your actions. You have not broken the cycle, you are part of it.