My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

Those poor children. I don't really want to read this thread but two violent parents, violent and aggressive grandparents and a alcoholic father - violent, loud rows in public and then a father who thinks about sex after that day?? Please can you self report to social services. This is NOT normal. You can get better but you need to try. And protect the innocent children before they start going round whacking others and drinking themselves to death too. Seriously.

Would you consider going to an Al Anon family support group?

This man is playing with your mind here. Stay strong. Don't let it get to you.

OP, you don’t hate who you are, please don’t think/say/feel that!
You’re having a hard time, nobody said/expects life to be perfect all the time.
Sometimes we get into difficulties, sometimes life is really hard. At the end of the day, we all can relate to your story, we’re part of a tribe called mums. We haven’t turned our backs at you, we understand and want to offer support.

It wasn’t your fault. Your childhood abuse. I think it shook you to the core precisely because you’ve got a child of your own. It made you realise just how hard you’ve had it. Who does that to a child?!!

Sounds like the world’s most self indulgent idea, but try and heal your inner child. Do you have ‘Time to talk’ in your area? Try finding a counsellor. Read ‘Home coming’ by John Bradshaw. Spend some time with yourself.
Big hugs, we’re here.

Whosorrynow

I have been in a similar position to this. You have to remember (the way I read it) that the grandmother was still holding the grandson by his cheek. Dragging the woman off him would have involved manoeuvering behind her and physically getting hold of her to drag her away and if she hadn't let go of the little boy it could have caused him more injuries.

I punched ds's assailant off him and think a slap was very tame.

Self report to social service ? Idiot.
OP - it's obvious that you are the only person who has the children at the top of thier priorities.
Tell your husband to support you or fuck off .
Get yourself some serious counceling
Go NC or LC with your parents
Put your energy into sorting a house without a huge mortgage - or take in suitable lodgers - perhaps another single mother.

@Oliversmumsarmy
I do see your point i.e. that dragging her off would not have worked and I didn't mean that she ought to have dealt with it differently, I understand that circumstances were such that striking her was the most effective way of stopping her attack on the six year old child.

I have followed your thread from the beginning and can totally relate, I also don’t think you did anything wrong and you’ve had great advice. But I did wonder if your husband hasn’t seen that the writing’s on the wall, you are willing to stand up to your parents regardless of the consequences and the inheritance he was banking on will probably not be forthcoming. There is no now reason to stay in the marriage? Very best wishes to you x

Teddy I’m so sorry to hear that your husband is a complete cockwomble. He doesn’t want your relationship to end because he needs your money, wants the inheritance and enjoys psychologically torturing you. So yes he will blow hot and cold and mess with your head but ultimately I think he wants you to beg him to stay and then get back in your box.

I hope you have the strength to end your marriage and go nc with your parents. That’s a massive thing to do but I do think you would be happier in the long term. I honestly don’t see you as a ‘violent’ person. I think your family has a toxic dynamic and you know how damaging growing up in that environment. Best wishes.

Teddy you are a lioness. You survived your parents, have a wonderful job, cared for an alcoholic. Time to stop btw. Your DH is holding you back, just sell the home, downsize, lose the mortgage and the alcoholic. Your kids deserve a better hand than you got.

@Gamble66 Idiot for caring about the child in this torrid affair?

Al anon is a safe and supportive place. Just go along and have a listen - it may change your life. It is not at al unusual to go from abusive parents to an alcoholic partner; you’ll find your not alone, and you can break the cycle.

And well done for protecting your son.

I have sympathy for you and understand why you reacted the way you did, but even if I did t have, I’d still think(on the basis of what I’ve read here) that this man isn’t nice.

I think his 2 concerns regarding the holiday incident are what you did and the potential loss of inheritance. He’s certainty shown no concern for your trauma. And to go from dramatic hyperbole, “Where do we go from here?” to trying it on for a shag, that’s just vile, selfish and cruel.

You’ve said you’re the main earner. I hope you can take advantage of this fact by making a new peaceful life for you and your children.

Your mother assaulted your child. You stepped in to stop her after she refused to stop. The coward you call DH did nothing. You have only two issues, coming to terms with your dreadful childhood, and your apology for a man/husband. Hitting someone to stop them assaulting your child is the act of a real mother, which is what you are. Firmly Team Teddy here.

Seeing my therapist today at 11am. Hope she's got her pencils sharpened and ready!

Hope it goes well Teddy.

Good luck Teddy. Don’t hold back and tell her everything. Hugs.

Ducos - for thinking this is at any level that social services would intervene in and)or they would be able to offer any support or intervention services. We have kids practically starving and living in rags who are above 'referal' levels.
The OP has insight and understanding - she needs to get out of the FOG but is obviously well on her way

I hope it goes well today, thinking of you Teddy.

Thanks all. It went well I think. I did find it really difficult and emotional to describe what happened, my heart was racing. But she was very good and I'm going back nexr week. She is going to approach it from the angles of both controlling my anger, and dealing with my past, as the two clearly feed into each other. I feel a glimmer of hope.
Thank you all so much for your support

And dealing with your dick of an H surely?

I really just want to deal with one thing at a time, I can't cope with that just yet. I have to feel strong in myself before I can deal with that, or even feel like I am in a place where I can make a clear headed decision

It sounds like you worked really hard in the session this morning Teddy it’s a lot to unpack. Take it slowly, at your pace. Time enough for big decisions once your head is in the right place.

Fair enough OP. I agree with Hero - you're on the right path.

"And dealing with your dick of an H surely?"

I really, really hope this is part of the strategy too.

You have a serious DH problem if he thinks that his parents slapping your kids around is OK. I am SICK AND TIRED TO THE BACK TEETH of these endless stories of grown men who simply cannot stand up to their parents. There's post after post after post with these pathetic, unmanly blokes on them, creating hell for wives who are generally also doing far too much in the way of childcare/housework.

@verticality it was my parents, not his.