My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

I think you should consider a refuge - your H has nailed his colours to the mast and its not yours. Let him feel disgusted with you if it will buy you time to line your ducks up in a row.
Don't feel that what you are going through is too trivial for a refuge.
Plus I reckon you could consider having your parents prosecuted one day - there was a mumsnetter who did exactly that with respect to historical child abuse.

I also think you should not see your husband as on your side in any way.

Infact I would view him as the enemy.
I would not give him further information.

I think you need to take this time to organise yourself.

Long term you need emotional support, your husband is not going to give it to you.

You need to heal yourself and a huge part of that is being in a safe home.

I don't believe your home is safe.

I realise it is a huge amount to take on board but please make a plan to be safe.

he just doesn’t get the op childhood and what triggered her to react as she did so quickly

This primarily hasn't anything to do what the OP has gone through in the past. This is about a woman attacking a little boy and his mother having to slap the woman to stop both the verbal and physical attack.

I have done the same and would do the same again

Update- DH finally deigned to speak to me, to tell me he 'doesn't know how we will move on from this'. I said I agreed. He repeated that he believes I have exaggerated my childhood experiences and in any case, it is unrelated to hitting my mother, which was 'wicked'.
I told him that I can't move on from this and we should get lawyers involved.

I'm so sorry @DearTeddyRobinson

I can't fathom how he doesn't believe you. We're here for a hand hold and unmumsnetty hugs.

Oh OP he is not a keeper is he. It did take my DH a while to cotton onto to my toxic DM but he never behaved like this. When I went NC he was dubious at first but fended her off until she turned on him. Boy was that an eye opener to him.

I am sorry he does not believe you.

Plus if my DM had hit our children, my OH would have backed me instantly. Damn you deserve better.

I'm so alone. This is going to devastate the children. Why can't he just support me?
I'm so, so fucking sad

Oh crap.

That’s that then.

Who the fuck says you exaggerated your childhood? I’m assuming you’ve told him about everything you’ve told us?

Fucks sake! WE don’t even know you and we believe you!

It could be a ploy I suppose... designed to undermine you and get you back contained and compliant again?

He is officially a twat tbh.

Sorry

Flipping nora, i’ve just read through this. OP it can take a long, long time for childhood abuse to become visible and longer still to work through it. In a way I’m glad for you that this has come to a head with both parents and DH. All power to you for the next bit.

Ps I know the conversation has moved on but for what it’s worth, if someone was assaulting (pinching) my child having just slapped them, I’d flatten them.

You are not alone! I know you’ve lost the hope of ever having a healthy relationship with your parents, and I know your H is a twat, and can’t be there for you but you won’t be alone in this - it’s more common than you think.

When my family blew up it was immediately after my ex had left, I’d been abroad for years and had no local support

Mumsnet helped

Get yourself onto Stately Homes threads and you’ll find lots of people just like you, most of us end up feeling alone, but we do all get it and it really helps.

Don’t be afraid

At the end of the day, the kids will be better off than you think, they’ll surprise you.

Have you had therapy session yet? When can you see someone?

Your DH is an absolute cunt. I know it’s devastating now but it’s much better for the kids that you aren’t together. In a few years you will look back in this and almost be glad it happened as it released you! You will be so much happier!

Tell your DH would he like to come with you to a police station and report your parents for assulting your son and that you used self defense to defend your child...
By the way friend sat next too me is DCI... Says your are allowed as she was still hurting your child.

That sounds awful, your parents sound terrible and I agree with the people who are saying to consider going ' non-contact' with them. I'm sorry your husband isn't more supportive. You sound like your an amazing mum who is breaking the chain of abuse. I think you need support to deal with the trauma you underwent as a child. Sending you hugs.

@DearTeddyRobinson how was your relationship before? A previous poster may be right that he's trying to regain control and compliance over you but also maybe he was looking for a reason to end it?

All conjecture but I just wouldn't want you to think any of this is your fault. What you did the large majority of posters on this thread agreed they would do too.

I echo that you sound like a wonderful Mother. You should be very proud of yourself.

Doesn't matter if you did exaggerate your childhood she hit your child pursued and abused your child AGAIN my parents were beaters they laid a finger on my child I told them they were not seeing her until they guaranteed they would not do that again my mom thought I was joking and showed up at my house to collect her as usual we were out and I didn't answer the phone to her point is I got her assurance and she could see my daughter again

I’ve not fully rtft but think I’ve read all your posts op, I couldn’t help noticing that you say you will be inheriting some money from your parents, enough to pay off your mortgage. And that your dh said words to the effect of ‘we’re relying on that money’

It seems to me that he’s worried if you go nc with them then you won’t get the inheritance and I suspect that’s the real reason why he’s acting this way about what’s happened.

I wonder how the prospect of divorce and him not being able to benefit from that inheritance anyway will affect his way of thinking?

Sorry if I’ve missed something and am way off the mark though.

And to you op, what a hard situation this is.

On a different note Teddy, I can highly recommend the book 'Parenting the highly sensitive child' it changed my life.

The book I recommended is by Elaine Aron btw.

Hug and for you OP. Seems like things are too broken to be fixed now.

FWIW, if you backtrack on the getting lawyers involved thing now, he'll think he has you back under his control . I think you'll be well shot of him anyway. You might feel alone, but that will pass and you will be happier alone and at peace.

If you don't have any friends in real life you can lean on, perhaps there are some of us on MN living in your area you can reach out to?

Massive hugs for you OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this - you deserve better from all of them!!

Wow. I’m very late to this thread but I will say I would full-fist punch anyone who laid their hands on my child or screamed in their face, whether it was an older parent or younger person. You did nothing wrong to defend your son Teddy, and I’d also go NC.
What lesson will your children learn if they are forced to be around people who don't treat them with dignity for the sake of an inheritance??

Unless your DH can see this as well I think you are right to consider separating

We have no money and a massive mortgage. What happens now?
I think he's enjoying the power as I'm crying