My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

@MirzyMoo I have very clearly said that I did not post to look for validation of my actions. I also said very clearly that i know my actions were horrendous and I am seeking therapy to control my behaviour. At no point did I abrogate responsibility for what i did.
Please read what I wrote before ranting at me.

TeddyRobinson

Hang in there, looks like the AIBU wolf-packing is starting up. I can see why you did it since you were the only one defending a child.

Seriously, what is wrong with some of you people?!?! The OP has also come to the conclusion that her H is neither comrade and ally but part of the problem too. This is a load to take in and it's not like it's going to be resolved overnight. Meanwhile, the OP was the only adult in a room of goady, violent children - we can act more like adults on this thread.

@JohnMcCainsDeathStare thank you. I can take it. If I thought this was a black and white situation I wouldn't have posted and I am ready to take all criticism on board.
Just not willing to be accused of things by people who haven't even read what I posted.
But again, I posted to get some guidance and to get my head straight, not to be validated or excused. I hate who I am right now.

@DearTeddyRobinson.

I’m sorry to hear this. But - what has jumped out at me reading your posts is just how unsupportive your h is. It sounds like such a toxic situation - I recognise some of it from my own marriage, including the issues around inheritance.

I think you need to mentally start thinking that your h is absolutely not team teddy. Keep your cards close to your chest. See a lawyer. Change your passwords

If your parents did leave you money in their will are we talking a small bequest or a large chunk of change. Is this why your OH is so determined to overlook their behaviour.

justasking111

The inheritance is a red herring.

Firstly the chances of op inheriting is slim to none existent
Secondly if they have care home fees then that will eat into what's left.

Not to mention anything else they spend their money on.

No one should rely on an inheritance.

teddy it's ok to feel awful about all of this and to cry. But remind yourself over and over that whilst he's trying to screw with your head about your actions against your mother, he's more than fine with your mothers action against your child. You are aware of the negatives of your actions and have done from day dot. He still sees nothing wrong in theirs. Take that and hold it close. Your ds overreacted to an alarm and he's fine with your ds being punished physically for that. He's fine with violence as long as it's not you physically punishing someone apparently.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You need to show him this thread. Even if he reads a few posts, it just may be enough to pull him back. Anything is worth a try.

If this happened here SS would be asking the very same questions i just have. Your DH has every right to be annoyed, you and your parents are violent people who behaved appallingly in front of a small child

Did you miss the bit where the dh has hit his own child in the past? Did you miss the bit that he condones his MIL hitting, pinching and yelling at his child. he isn't the least bit annoyed at that. The only person he is annoyed with is the OP - not the violent parents - only the OP who stopped her mother assaulting her child.

OP, your updates about your husband are sad. Do the freedom programme and get some private therapy so you can see your relationships clearly and save your children from being taught the same toxic lessons you were taught.

@MirzyMoo Your post is so deeply ignorant and uncalled for. READ the ENTIRE thread. It is clear that you haven't.

He's just tried it on for a shag .
I said I'd rather not have sex with someone who didn't like me. He said, I never said I didn't like you.
Well excuse me for inferring that.

Tell him to have a shag with your mother as he seems to respect her more.

Please be careful dearteddy, he may be trying to goad you into reacting on purpose. Either that or he's expecting his headfuckery to have won you back over.

#MirzyMoo
If you read what the violence done to the husband?
Also the Granny attacked the child smacked him on the bottom and was still in his face..Teddy is within her rights to use force to protect her child....

He doesn't have a coherent strategy, one minute he's telling you he can't put up with you anymore next minute he wants to be intimate with you, as if he's flailing about trying to find something that will work?

I always think the advice to show people a thread about them is terrible

OP needs a safe space

I won't be showing him the thread. I want it to be private, it's the only place I can go at the moment. Also he would just dismiss it as a load of randoms on the internet. I think he would be more likely to listen to a third party eg Relate, if we ever get that far.

Sorry but if I caught anyone behaving like that to my children, and leaving a mark on them, damn right I'd slap them.
Don't you dare apologise.
Time for no contact. They are disgusting, violent abusers and by keeping a relationship with them you're allowing them to act like that level of abuse is fine.
I'd be reporting the pair of them for the historical abuse and for the sadistic way they treated your ds.
As for your DH, what the hell! My DH would be pissed off with me if I hadn't stuck up for our child. Does he know she left a mark on him and was squeezing his face as well? You need to be asking him where he gets off giving you grief and not her. If he knows about the abuse you received, how is he to you?
I left home very young as both my parents were like yours, violent arseholes. I slipped straight into an abusive relationship with a guy whose mum bullied me as well. It's very easy for someone who has experienced abuse to end up in the same type of relationship as an adult.
Honestly, ditch the parents, and have a very strong word with your DH about his reaction to someone assaulting his young child.

Have not read full thread yet. But want to say your mum was completely out of order..I am so shocked. You must never leave your children with her. I would imagine what you did was instinctive. I am sorry your husband has reacted the way he has. But I think,in this instance,your mum is bang out of order. I am so sorry re your childhood.

I wouldn't show him the thread either if I were in your shoes Teddy!

He wanted a shag? 😂😂😂 I hope you told him to go fuck himself.

OP, you poor woman.
I feel so upset reading your update.
You are an absolutely fantastic survivor of awful circumstances.
You are a fantastic Mum with all the awful faults and fallacies that we all have.
I think you read as a great woman who has survived a terrible time.

Your husband does not have your back.
He is not a kind, good man.

Staying as a couple is not in your children's best interests.
Staying with your husband is not in your best interests.
Staying together is not in the best interests of your family unit.

Your children will be in a safer environment when you seperate from your husband.

This is the best choice for you.

Please don't cry, beg, plead.

He is not a good man.

He is not interested in your best interests or that of your children.

Please step back and breathe deeply.
You can do this.
You are a great woman.
You can certainly do this on your own.

I feel that the thing most people are struggling with is the slap round the face, it seems like such a shocking and insulting thing to do to your own mother.
I'm not saying that to be critical and I think it's clear that you were triggered because your parents were violent and abusive towards you as a child so there is somewhere in your unconscious mind a desire to insult and humiliate them like they insulted and humiliated you.
Again I'm not saying that to criticise you, but I do feel that when we have been wronged it stores upthe desire in the unconscious mind to even up the score, mostly we are able to control it but when something shocking happens it is very difficult to inhibit our automatic responses and especially if someone attacks your child, every (decent) parent is triggered when someone attacks their child.

if you had grabbed her and yanked her away I don't think they would be so many of these critical responses on here.
You are clearly shocked and upset at the way you reacted and is very shocking when you behave like that and you don't feel as if you can control it
your husband is being a sh1t, he's taking advantage of the fact that you are shocked about your own behaviour and worried that it means you're a bad person, instead of supporting you and reassuring you he's playing on your fears, he's attacking you when you're already vulnerable.

Really?

You may have difficulty imaging a mother striking back at her abuser, when the abuser then turns on her young child.

I have zero difficulty with this scenario.

I DO have huge difficulty with parents standing by and allowing their children to be abused by serial abusers though.

As most decent parents would.

Just because the abuser is a little old lady and not a big, ugly hairy old man, does not mean that she is in anyway less vicious, violent and dangerous.

I have been reading your thread since you posted and whilst slapping your mum (slapping anyone) is not good, I don't feel you should not be apologising for this.
You defended your son.
You showed your son that he is safe when you're around.
You are not following in your mums footsteps because you lashed out - you didn't hit and humiliate an innocent child (repeatedly) who had no one to defend them.

I'm not a survivor so don't know if this is possible (I can imagine how mentally hard it would be), but if so can you write down every incident you can remember from your childhood and then leave it for your husband to read again. It's often hard to put things into words and list every incident without getting too emotional that you have to stop, or that the person you're telling interrupts as it's hard for them to hear, but maybe he needs reminding again to realise how many incidents there were and that you were not exaggerating. I'm so sad for you that you haven't got his support, and worse that he's blaming you.

The thing that stands out most to me is that you sound like a mum who will do anything to protect her DC, despite not growing up in that environment yourself, so you are nothing like your own parents and please don't let anyone tell you otherwise.