My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

Please don't take this the wrong way, but why go on holiday with them?
And you seriously need to think about what you want to do when you get home as quite frankly this whole situation is shit.
Does your DH know about what it was like growing up?

Your husband knows your history, and is mad with you? I think he is angry with the wrong person. Perhaps you didn’t have an ideal response but I think I would have struggled to react in another way - and I didn’t experience an abusive childhood.

After reading more, I actually can't believe you thought going on holiday was a good idea if that's how they were to you growing up.

In your position I would..go home early like you’re planning to, tell your H (not so D in this situation) and I would look into some individual counselling. IMO what you grew up with went beyond discipline into abuse. Also I would seriously think about going NC with your parents. They think they know better than you and they will do what they’ve done again. I suspect your H is just shocked that you hit your mother. Maybe he’s even worried if you could do that to her you could do that to the kids? How much does he know about your childhood? This is learned behaviour, it’s a snap reaction based on what you grew up with. Doesn’t mean it always has to be like this but I suspect you’ll need counselling and distance from your parents to break the pattern.

You apologize to your mother for hitting her.
You say to your son that you are sorry that he saw you hitting someone and that it is a really bad way of managing your temper.
You explain to your parents that you will not spend time with them if they are going to hit your child.
That you are going to look for help with your anger and your childhood experiences of violence.
You have a talk with your dh when you tell him the above.
You also explain your desire to protect your dc and your inability to manage your anger at your parents.
I am a little surprised that your dh isn't slightly more supportive of you about this. Have you hit him in the past?

@PJMasksGhekko fair question. Generally things are now ok as I mostly suppress the crappy memories and just want to have a normal family! Want the kids to know their grandparents, cousins etc.
DH knew but today tells me he thinks I am exaggerating. That hurts more than anything. He says it was long ago and I should be over it by now, and like you, asked why do I speak to them now if it was really so bad.
I guess I always want parental approval which is pathetic, I'm 44!

Screw them all. Take your little boy and keep him safe x

I had a fucked up childhood so I sort of get why you went on holiday with them (I still see my mum) but I don’t understand why your husband is angry at you? She hit your child! I’d of had to of been pulled off someone if they did that to my son. And that’s without the history of what they did to you!

I’m so sorry

My God, you poor thing. They sound horrendous.

Yes, I would leave tmrw. That your DH is siding with them is bizarre.

Give everyone some time/days/years to cool down, you aren't going to make clear decisions about the future now.

I know it gets said a lot here on mumsnet but seriously, you should absolutely ‘go no contact’. Your DH’s priorities sound a bit messed up too! I’m sorry this has happened to you OP, no one deserves to be treated like that by their parents.

Thank you @dreichhighlands that is exactly the road map I need. I have apologised but I will do so again and properly. I have said to my son we shouldn't hit but it probably sounds pretty fucking hollow.

I have apologised but I will do so again and properly.

Fuck that, there's no way, I'd go grovelling back to these bastards.

Just be cool and calm until you get away from them and then you can relax and reflect and think about the future.

Dearteddy you showed your son you will protect him. Yes, explain to him that you shouldn’t hit, but you stepped in and put a boundary in place that was never there for you as a child. You need to tell him that whilst you should never hit, you will also never allow him to be hurt

@DearTeddyRobinson I'm not having a go, I'm really not, family dynamics are so difficult, but she done this
I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him
Fuck that for apologising, go home tomorrow and massively re-evaluate how much you really want them in your life, because that would be a huge deal breaker for me.

I really can’t believe your H is annoyed with you! What the fuck.

You have anger issues because your parents abused you as a child.

You saw your parents starting to do the same to your son- of course you shouldn’t have hit her but I really don’t blame you.

Your H should be supporting you!

Please try and get some counselling when you get home. Find someone who specialises in childhood issues, it will help you so much.

Thank you all. Fuck I'm crying now. I expected a lot more abuse!
And yes to the one poster who very perceptively asked - I have hit DH in anger. Twice. And I threw a glass of water at him.
Unforgivable and if sexes were reversed I would be deservedly condemned.
I did try some counselling for anger management about 4 years ago but the therapist seemed to think I was pretty justified in being angry with DH (he can be a selfish arsehole who drinks too much although he has improved immeasurably over the years)

Has your mother apologised for chasing, slapping, pinching and hissing at a 6 year old?

I'm guessing no.

The going on holiday with them - I think it is hard to really recognise that your parents are not normal and will not ever be normal and to recognise that you were abused. But there cannot be any doubt about it in your mind now.

Honestly? I think you need to tell your DH that you grew up with their violence and while it was not ideal to slap your mum, it was the only response you could think of to defend your son (and to be honest, her behaviour probably triggered a deeply emotional response given your upbringing). She hit your son, you asked her twice to stop. What was your DH doing at this point (aside from probably staring in horror and shock at the whole thing)?

Then get some counselling to sort out boundaries (low contact with your parents at least).

This is truly horrific

Poor you

I am sorry to hear this happened !!!!
How is your son now?

OP, fucking up is normal as a parent. The bit that matters is is acknowledging that it went wrong. You don't need to be perfect and your dc don't need you to be.
You were standing up for your dc and they know that.
Your DP needs to look at why he isn't supporting you more.
Just to add while I think apologizing for hitting dm is a good idea, I also think that not having any further contact with them would be a perfectly sensible follow on from that.

If it was a total stranger who had hit your child how would you or your husband reacted? It is NEVER ok for any adult to hit a child.

As for how you reacted to the situation i think you were a mother protecting her child. It was a bit of a default setting programmed from your childhood.
I think to sort out any confusion re kids i would be honest with DC. Tell them that grandparents used to hit you as a child but that its never ok and neither you or DH would ever do that. Tell them mummy got angry and apologise for reacting the way you did but explain you were protective of DS.
As for parents i would be contacting them and telling them if they think its appropriate to treat your children like that then you will be going NC. They are abusive. Dont feel guilty. Its probably been a long time coming. You were only standing up for DC the way no one stood up for you and you need to tell DH that. He needs to understand how abusive your childhood was and why you reacted the way you did.

What right does your mum have to slap your son? And your husband is annoyed at you? Even though he knows what you went through? You should also be pissed off with your husband for minimising what you went through.

I would have never ever have spoken to these parents ever again when I left home let alone allow them near grandchildren. I do not see or speak to my father and never will and as for your DH he would be gone, she deserve massive smack

Am I right in thinking your ‘D’M hit your DS? Well frankly I’m not surprised you slapped her. I am not a violent person but if I found anyone hurting my 6yr old DS I’m not sure i could contain myself.
I’m surprised you have any relationship with your parents. These wounds from our childhoods do not heal easily, they completely change the way our brains are wired. I’m glad your are leaving early. Maybe in time think about getting support to process your childhood and the impact it has had. If it were me the parents would never see their grandchild again. 💐 for you.

Obviously I'm not going to condone you hitting your 72 albeit apology for a mother.
I wouldn't seem right. However at the same time. I'd be lying if I said "I can't see how and why it's happened. She was hurting and abusing your baby. What you faced wasn't discipline. It's was abuse. Your anger was bound to come out somewhere and sometime.
Get your toxic parents out of your life. You don't need them and neither does your little boy. Your dh can go and live with them, too.
Since he gets on so well with them