My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

Thank you all so much for posting. I have a lot to think about. I'm going to try to sleep now (I'm an hour ahead of the Uk here in Foreign Parts) but will check back in the morning xx

Slap DH hard on his bare arse (leave a hand print like ya M did to DS) as he's been a little shit siding with them fuckers, since he believes in this kind of discipline!

Have you missed the part where OP admits she has hit her DH previously (regardless of reasons)?

So many women will put up with anything if it is from their parents.
Imagine if it was your MIL who behaved like this, you would have cut her out of your life a long time ago.
I have read threads on here where mothers allow physically abusive parents to be the main carer/ child minder for their child because it is was the way they were brought up.
Apparently being hit as a child is an acceptable reason to hit your husband if you are a woman.
MN posters often condone violence if it is a woman doing the hitting.
If your son sees you hitting his father, he will remember it for the rest of his life and tell his future girlfriends/ wife.
Don't excuse your behaviour OP. Seek help and cut all contact between your parents and your child.

@MaeveDidIt I didn't explain myself well, I was thinking of how forgiveness allows you to let go of the anger so you can move on. It certainly isn't because I think the OPs DM deserves an apology!

DS is only little, poor kid.

No matter how bratty (and at 6/7 it can be special) they shouldn't be in that much fear.

You and DC need to retreat for some cuddles. DH can make up his own mind where his loyalties lie x

'you cannot even grasp how far you've crossed the line' and other pompous bullshit.'
The last thing you need now is a character assassination from someone who should be supporting you.
An awful situation, but surely to god he can understand how and why it all sparked off.
Do you think he enjoys beating you when you're down?
Would he have let your mother carry on abusing your DS?

@Amiable, you cannot forgive someone if they are not sorry.

These two incidents happening side by side really show how much worse it is for an adult to hit/hurt a child, as compared to doing the same to another adult. While you accept that ideally, you would have found another way of stopping your mother terrifying your ds, how much worse waa what she was doing to him? Far, far worse.

OP I th ink I actually hate your parents. And they obviously hate children. You don't say how they have been with ds before but I can see no reason on earth to subject him to the company of people who are capable of such powerful dislike towards him.

OP I want to be your Mum and not beat you. It is so unfair that you were subjected to such venom.as a child. You clearly have no intention of letting your ds go through the same. They might try to guilte you, but the guilt is ALL THEIRS

Your story made me so sad. These people do not deserve to be in your life. If that bothers them, that is 100 % their problem.to deal with. Your only responsibility is to heal, for your own and your dcs sake. Wishing you love and peace

You need anger management and counselling,for your own sake and for your kids and family.

You've hit your husband.

You've hit your piece of shit mum.

What happens next time when you hit someone? Someone that will either hit back much harder OR press charges.

Or if your kids are teens and really push your buttons?

Go NC with your parents ,they're abusive shits anyways.
Sort your head out and learn to manage anger and volatile situations in a better way. Because one day you'll find yourself in a shit situation and there will be no excuses of abusive background or "he made me do it".

Atm, your 6 yo has already been exposed to too much violence. It's time to say stop and take control.

I have saved this thread as an example of so many posters supporting physical violence against men.
Hitting people is wrong and against the law.
You know what your parents are like OP. You had no business letting them be around your son.
Your son will remember that you put him in this position.

Your dh needs to understand that what he sees as an overreaction was your attempt to stop your childhood repeating on your dcs. He may not see an issue with a hard smack, a pinch and a shouting session but you know they evolve into a double teaming pulling down assault. The only person you owe an apology to now is the dc who saw it and a guarantee you won't let that - both the gps actions and yours by default - happen again.

No, your slapping your dm wasn't right, but neither was her treatment of ds or their treatment of you.

For me the apology wouldn't be anything about DM's behavior, which was awful, it would be so that OP could walk away from the situation knowing that she had nothing unsaid hanging over her.
OP isn't responsible for her DM's behavior just her own. She isn't the most at fault here but she hasn't modeled the behavior she would want to. The apology is for her not her DM.
I wonder if some of DH's response is anger at being hit in the past. It was why I asked if he had been hit in the past because his response sounded angry and I was thinking about what might have made him that angry.

My child would never be going near them again. End of story.

I know they're your parents, and I empathise with what you went through, but I would never put my child in that situation again, even if it means they never see my child again.

I hope you and DS are OK.

OP my childhood was like yours. My mother beat the living crap out of me on numerous occasions, plus snide, hurtful comments and threats. I was scared all the time.
I've had to work v hard in my own anger management as an adult..
Late 40s now, I'm calm and in control but god it took years to get here.
I never, ever hit my children but I did hit my husband a couple of times early in our marriage when he was verbally abusive and intimidating to me.
It was my default setting.
My mother had a bizarre personality transplant in her 40s and was never a danger to my kids. She could be a bit domineering and abrupt but never shouted at them or touched them. I would have gone NC if she had.
I do not blame you one bit for lashing out after what was done to your child. Plus I agree with pp there may have been an element of you identifying so closely with what he was experiencing.
I have talked to my OH over the years, plus he came to understand my family dynamic, which is fucking dysfunctional in the extreme, so he "gets" me.
It's a shame your OH can't do the same. My OH came from a calm household ,was never abused, so it took him a while to even believe someone could have an upbringing like mine, but he listened, and observed and now sees it all.
I would be so upset in your place at not having OH's support!
Please put yourself and your child first and do whatever you need to feel safe and happy.
Now that your parents have shown that even you being physically present won't stop them abusing your child, I think you know what you need to do.
Best of luck. I do feel for you.

I think you reaction was understandable. An adult assaulted your child, wouldn't stop so you did the only thing you could think of that would protect your child.

You do not want history to repeat itself.

You and your dh can come back from this but I agree about putting space between your parents and you.

I think I would have done very similarly in your situation. I simply could not imagine the anger at someone subjecting my son to this.

Violence is the not the answer to violence however but as a knee jerk reaction, I probably would.

I would be extremely upset if my DH were seen to be siding with her.

Hope you manage some sleep, it always seems slightly better in the morning. I would never holiday with them again or allow my child alone with them m, sorry but noone hurts my child.

Your parents were monsters and would hit you now if they thought they could get away with it. Go no contact with them now, your children will forget them they have short memories.

You had counselling about your husband, did you discuss your childhood?

I still still shocked that so many female posters from physically abusive backgrounds think that this justifies them hitting partners as adults. I am surprised that husbands have not reported them to the police. Pressure groups for men have complained for years that many men do not report domestic violence from their female partners. I did not really take them seriously until I read this thread and found so many posters admitting to hitting their partners.
Ultimately, the OP knew what was likely to happen if she put her son in a vulnerable position with her parents but she chose to go ahead with that decision. She must not allow herself to be in a situation again where she chooses to hit her husband or son or a stranger who riles her.

OP, your thread title is so perceptive, this really is your childhood boiling over.

I'm not going to minimise any of it, or indeed blame DH. His reaction is his reaction and that's OK. Many people wouldn't have the reaction we would like after a scene like that.

What matters is what happens next. Get distance from your parents. Talk honestly to your 6 yo about what happened. Give him the reassurance he needs. Apologise profusely for what he saw. Try and make a pact that you and DH won't talk about it for the last 3 days of your holidays - you will get no privacy in a hotel room and things will escalate. The heat needs to come right out of this situation.

Then when you get home, seek specialised family counselling and go NC with your parents. They don't fucking deserve you, they are nasty violent brutes who have put you into this cycle. You can break free of it though, with careful support. And some general support from me, if you'd take it. I know where you're coming from and it's exceptionally hard

Would a woman accept a male partner who hit her a couple of times because it was his default setting from an abusive childhood?

Jumping to the conclusion that the OP is guilty of domestic violence for slapping his face is a bit extreme. His conduct as described could also somewhat fall under that descriptor. This thread isn't about that aspect and there isn't enough information to reach a safe conclusion.

Physical violence is always always unacceptable.

Sometimes compassion, empathy and humanity make it momentarily understandable.

I am slightly surprised at some reactions here. OP, please seek more therapy and explore your behaviour and your choices. I'm guessing hitting your husband and your mother is not the only symptom of your crap childhood! And even so, you can go NC with your mother but you also hit your husband. And he let it happen more than once. There are reasons for this. It's possible you are abusive in other ways too and vice versa, so pls do more therapy to protect your children not only from the physical stuff.

God OP, you poor thing. You've had a hell of a time - a clearly abusive childhood, and parents who are now abusing your son as well.

You obviously shouldn't hit - you clearly know that. But I think I might struggle not to hit an adult I saw abusing my child in the heat of the moment.

Your husband was clearly not supportive in this instance, but I accept that he has previously been hit and that will affect his stance.

I think that you should go back for more counselling, because you've been hugely traumatised and you need help to overcome that. Anyone would.

And I think you need to drastically reduce the time you spend with your abusive parents. They can't be trusted not to physically assault your child - that means you need to protect him from them. If you don't want to go completely no-contact, I would keep time spent with them to a minimum, and never in a place you can't easily walk away from.

I was beaten as a child, too. And I'd go nuts if my mother laid a hand on my child.

BUT, I think you're underestimating how shocking it would be for your husband to see you slap your mother's face. And I think a lot of the people claiming it was okay for you to do so, would have been shocked if they actually saw it happen. And yes, rightly or wrongly, I think more people would be shcocked seein that, than seeing someone slap a kids bum (something I've never done, btw)

So at least have some empathy for your husband. It's good that you recognise you have anger issues, but seriously, slapping your mother's face is HUGE. If your kids saw you do it, they'll have been really shocked. When they're adults, can you imagine them doing it to you? Because you've given them the example, and your husband knows it. I'm glad though, that you're going back to counselling.
You do need to see things from your husband's perspective though. That was shocking to see.

Ask your DH how he would feel if 2 people chased after him shouting, then slapped him? Would he take it? Would he deserve it? I think it’ll be a no.
I think most mums in that situation would have lost the plot.
Get these abusers out of your life and tell your DH to get behind you or get to fuck.