My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

This is fucking insane!

Your six year old acts out.

Your dh drinks too much.

Your parents hit you.

You hit your mother.

Your mother smacked your son.

You’ve assaulted your husband several times....

What the actual fuck??

Isatis

I really cannot understand why your DH is effectively condoning what your mother did.

It might help if we knew where he was, what he was doing and how much he saw before posters blame everything on him.

I think what you did was self defence on behalf of your little boy.

If your dh cannot see this then I think you have a dh problem as well.

Does your dh think that incidents that happened a while ago don't matter?

Your relationship with your parents is one akin to that of a battered wife.

A lot of women don't cut out the abusive partner after being hit the first time it can take years or a particular incident for them to get the courage to leave.

You have a lot of stuff to work through but one thing I would ask is if it really is worth keeping in contact with your family just because you want your ds to be able to play with his cousins.

I think the trade off of risking being attacked by his gps is not worth it

I think you protected your child from a violent person in the way that instinctively came to you at the time. Obviously would have been better to step in front but actually even as an adult, abusive parents remain scary. Long term only less contact and more counselling will help unravel this and help you return to that young child who was so mistreated and comfort her.

For your son
I would say Granny/nan was very wrong to hit you. It made mummy so frightened she made a very bad choice and hurt granny/nan. I am so sorry you were hurt and I’m so sorry you saw mummy make that wrong choice. Ask him how he feels and cuddle and reassure.

For your parents - distance

For your husband- at a calm time and place: you need to know if he can really understand what happened to you and support you. If he can’t then that will make counselling incredibly hard.

For you: right now get home safely. Tend to your child. Tend to your physical needs with love and gentleness. Then get a counsellor and revisit little you.

Exactly Seaeagle21. So many posters justifying the OP., ' You have done nothing wrong', and ignoring the fact that she made her husband and son go on holiday with her parents.
The OP will feel exonerated by all these posters and exactly the same thing will happen over and over again.

DearTeddy normally I would never condone violence but I think what you did to your mother was 100% justifiable and you really shouldn’t be apologising. Firstly, you were protecting your son - she was continuing to abuse him despite you telling her to stop. Secondly, you finally snapped after suffering years of abuse.

You poor thing, you had a miserable childhood and you’re still desperate for parental approval. Sadly it sounds like your parents are still the evil people that they were years ago. It probably is time to cut your losses and cease contact with them, for your DC’s safety and your only mental health.

And as for your husband, he should be completely ashamed of himself for not supporting you and minimising what you went through. You really should show him this thread. He seems to be unaware of what effect a shitty childhood can have. And to not understand that despite all that, a victim may still crave parental affection. He really needs to have a good long think about his attitude.

for you OP. It may be that this coming to a head turns out to be a good thing, maybe now you can properly face down the past and move on.

boney so where the fuck was he? Because unless he was away from the premises entirely, he also has a duty of care to the children rather than acting as a bystander. If he was not there at all, you may be correct.
If he was not there at all, where's the support for the OP or his in-laws for that matter, if he knows one child has challenging behaviour.
Who are you, Grandma or Grandpa?

*own mental health not “only”

I know why you hit her. Because you remembered being the young child getting slapped and punched and not having a single adult to turn to for help. Your DS did have that and it was you, and you were protecting him in the way you wish someone had protected you. I don’t think you should apologise for that because until you have been an abused child, it’s very hard to separate yourself from the “but it’s your mother, you only get one mother” rhetoric.

I think you need to cut contact and deal with yourself for a bit. Get yourself some help, seriously. Once you are better able to deal with what happened to you as a child, you can better explain the whole thing to DH. I can also understand why he is angry, motherhood is considered sacred, you effectively slapped someone sacred. But again, only someone who hasn’t been abused generally feels that way. Until you’ve been hurt by the person supposed to love and protect you, it’s hard to see them as a real person with mistakes and flaws. He’s new to seeing this side of your parents, you know them of old.

Don’t be too hard on yourself either.

But @oliversmumsarmy, her husband is a battered husband. Read her post admitting that she hits him.

I would slap my mother if she hit my child and I don’t even have your issues.

YABU. You should have slapped your father too.

DearTeddyRobinson I'm so sorry you had a horrible childhood and so sorry this has now happened on holiday.

I know you wanted your children to have a 'normal' relationship with grandparents but it is not possible because your parents do not behave normally, and are abusive.

I've not had this experience but I am pretty sure many people who have continue to see parents who were abusive because they are trying to normalize their situation.

Please go back to counselling and do not accept any counselor who minimizes violence, whether it is from you or anyone else.

Explain to your young son that your mum, and then you, acted in anger and neither action was acceptable.

I hope you and your husband can work together and get beyond this. I am very disappointing for you that he did not believe how bad your childhood experiences were. Hopefully, together, you can move on from the past and things will be better.

How can you say to the OP be gentle on yourself when she openly admits to hitting her husband?
So many Posters on here seem to think that any woman who strikes her husband can be excused.
I will be interested to see if you rush to the defence of a man who hits his wife because his parents hit him.

Oh and OP, you might find the Stately Homes Threads on here a useful resource - lots of good links to reading material and many knowledgeable and supportive posters to listen. x

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine
Who are you, Grandma or Grandpa?

FFS Get a grip. Is that really your best response.

I'm someone who wants the OP to see that she is responsible for her actions and that her DP is responsible for what she did and hopefully get help.

But hey you keep blaming him when you don't know all the details. Maybe you can find a way to blame him for being hit by his wife (twice).

And even with your "what if" response you are still finding away to blame him.

disappointed

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine

It is also worth considering how many issues there are in this thread that need unpicking and sorting out.

Much of the blame is being directed at the husband (himself hit by the OP).
I would lay money on the OP forgiving her parents and aiming to play Happy Families again with them next year.

OP I really hope you will be able to move forward from this, please be kind to yourself. XX

@StreetwiseHercules

If your DW was the DH in OP's scenario then there's already a serious problem, because in that case you've been hitting and abusing your DW.

But maybe you think that's ok; who knows.

@DearTeddyRobinson get help fast. Because who knows when you’ll turn on your own children?

The way you’ve treated your husband is appalling. If he’s a bad husband you leave him. You don’t beat the shit out of him and throw things at him.

I never condoned her hitting her husband, my response is entirely based on her childhood abuse, the situation with her mother and her child.

I am not and never did defend hitting her husband, I am supporting her decision to protect her child and encouraging her to seek help for her anger issues.

mrsmuddlepies

If the thread keeps going in its current direction I would add that there is a large probability of divorce (and a messy one at that).

If someone had violently hit my 6yr old, hard enough to leave a mark and I subsequently saw him being pinched and shouted at in the face; I'd probably snap and slap them, too, if I'm being honest - and I'm the least aggressive person possible. It's instinct isn't it?

However, it's not a great way to handle the situation, and you already know that.

I wouldn't apologise to your mother, either. I grew up with a violent and abusive mother and they deserve fuck all in my opinion. Certainly, none of my time. Forgive yourself and tell your DH that not being believed is hurtful and belittling and he needs to think about his actions, too.

Yes, definitely counselling to work out how to deal with your abusive parents, and how not tap into your anger and frustration when things go wrong. Counselling is not an easy option by any means and it can be painful and hard, but you come out the other end a better adjusted person and a better parent, too.

I hope you can enjoy the rest of your holiday. Stay away from your parents if you can. They're not going to change their behaviour in 3 days and they'll just wind you up and make you miserable by blaming everything on you because I suspect you're the family scapegoat and have been labelled "difficult" for your entire life.