My crappy childhood has just exploded

[DearTeddyRobinson]

I'm on hols with DH, 2 DCs, and my parents. 6yo DS is being a pain in the arse. DH and I are dealing with it as best we can but it's hard. He's clearly driving my parents mad and they are not hiding it. Lots of snide little comments to him etc. Anyway today there was some kind of contretemps at the pool - I wasn't there.
Next thing I know, DS is running into the house sobbing hysterically, with my mother hot on his heels, my father close behind. They were shouting the odds about him being a spoiled brat, I started to get angry with them and told them to stop bullying him. Yelling escalates, father tells me to leave and go home. While I'm yelling back at my father, I hear a loud slap and a scream. I run back in to where DS is and my mother is pinching his face and leaning down right into his face, hissing something at him. I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him.
I slap her in the face. All hell breaks loose.

So while I was growing up my parents were violent disciplinarians. They would shout at and slap and beat me whenever I transgressed. They used to team up so one could hold me down while the other hit me.
On one occasion I was dragged naked from the shower (I was a teen at this point) and beaten on the bathroom floor.
I never wanted my kids to think this was ok and by and large DH and I agree. But I have serious anger issues and somehow still think that hitting someone is the ultimate resolution (not the kids though).
I think today all of this fucked up mess came boiling over. DH is disgusted with me for hitting a 72 year old woman - understandably. (But not with her for hitting a 6 year old who had a red hand print on his bum).
We are leaving tomorrow, 3 days early.
DH is barely speaking to me. The kids are confused. I am sick with god knows what - rage, guilt, whatever.
Where the fuck do we go from here?

In all honesty, if anyone laid a hand on one of my children, I would react with fury, and don't blame you for lashing out at her. You suffered with years of abuse at the hands of your parents (your upbringing sounds very similar to mine, I'm currently in intense counselling for it) I don't think anyone can blame you for reacting in that way.

Your DH is being a bit of a dick.

You protected your child, a grown woman hit a six year old! Six! And you're the bad guy for giving her a taste of her own medicine. Fuck that.

Don't inflict these monsters on your child again OP. They are venomous bullies. You'll never have the relationship you want with them because they are incapable of it.

I think you'll find the anger issues dissipate somewhat once they're not in your life anymore.

Sending love and healing, from one child of abusers to another.

They hit you for years, She hit your son who is a small child and she got slapped by another adult.

You think she'd have the decency to be a bit more grateful that you cared enough to want to improve her behaviour.

Your not a child anymore and she has shown you that slapping is acceptable so she can't moan about anything that's happened with a straight face. Obviously they will moan but the slap has started something you can finish with a very firm
"Fuck off Mother before I give you something to cry about"

I also had shitty hitty parents and yes this is tongue in cheek...but also what have you got to lose?

God so much to think about.
DH and I have worked through a lot of these issues over the years and generally we are a good team. He was a lazy shit when DS was born but has stepped up. He has acknowledged he has a problematic relationship with alcohol and has cut back drastically. This was the cause of 90% of our arguments I would say, me being frustrated at him being hungover yet again/nagging him for having fun (his version).
He says I have an anger problem, I say most people would be angry with what you do, etc etc. But we have moved on from this mostly and are in a good place.
So I was absolutely sideswiped when he reacted as he did today. He thinks a smack on the bum for a kid is totally different to hitting an adult in the face. I think it's worse

So your dd thinks it’s ok for her to his a 6yo, but not for you to slap her?

Bonkers.

Your parents sound very damaging. I’d go NC and tell them why.

Odd reaction from your dh. Does he usually support you?

Sympathy from me.

You protected your son. You probably also got back at your mother, somewhat, for all those years of abuse.

And you have apologised to her for the slap. No more is needed nor owed, even if she makes out you need to make up for it.

Tell H he can either support you and your DS, who was being violently assaulted, or sod off.

@Amiable - she will feel worse if she apologizes to her mother not better. Her mother is a bully and abusive and deserved a taste of her own medicine. You cannot apologize to someone when they have frightened and hurt your own child!!

I totally back your actions today. You need to cut your family off ASAP. They are poison. As for your husband, sounds as though he needs to take a look in the mirror before judging you.

Yeah he is usually supportive although I rarely ask for it now that I think about it.
He thinks DS deserved a punishment for being a little shit. And he did! Just not that!

Slap DH hard on his bare arse (leave a hand print like ya M did to DS) as he's been a little shit siding with them fuckers, since he believes in this kind of discipline!

I'm sorry you have such difficult parents OP. I have had to deal with similar issues. I no longer have contact with mine after putting in boundaries which resulted in them walking out while they were holidaying at my house. It's a grieving process and very hard but you can move beyond this to happiness. It is very rare for such people to change.

He thinks a smack on the bum for a kid is totally different to hitting an adult in the face.

But there’s much more here than smacking a child’s bum. Your mother pinched his check and both of your parents were shouting about him being a brat. They also made your son cry hysterically!

Have you told your H what your parents did to you as a child and teenager? If he thinks all that is “not that bad”, I’d be very worried if he were my partner. Does he hit your child?

I think you need to keep your child away from violent grandparents.

Then get counseling to properly deal with your childhood and any anger you haven't dealt with. Your childhood frankly awful and I'm not surprised you reacted as you did but it sounds like you need a considerable amount of help with it all so that cycle well and truly breaks.

Lovely there's so much in all of this

That slap for your mum, wasn't just for your child it was for the child you were too.
I think a step back, not sure about the apology, that's entirely up to you, I think though maybe some therapy for you, and low contact with your parents.

Your mothet and fathet are disgustinb and i would never let any child be in thier company. Your husband needs to man up......I have hit my husband when he has been drunk and physically abusive to me but I am not proud of that. You did everything right in my opinion....if anyone had laid a hand on my daughter I would have done the same and worse. Go no contact with your parents and get your husband to get help with his drinking and tell him if he doesn't then he needs to leave. This is not a goid situation to bring children up in at all and you know it

I shout at her to leave him alone, she doesn't and continues to berate him
She thought it was fine to ignore you while she deliberately continued hurting your son, at this point very few Mums would not have intervened physically and if you shoved her she might have tripped onto your son.
I think the Mumsnetters who are saying it's unacceptable would be surprised at how many of them would have slapped her if they knew she had a history of violence against children, physical attacks on kids can escalate very quickly. I think you were right to step in

I'm sorry DH doesn't 'get' that, it must feel shit that he's not on your side

You poor thing x

Fuck that shit. I would have wanted to punch her lights out (especially given your history). You need to go NC with your parents.

Your husband can fuck off as well.

I punched an ex-boyfriend once. He was a drunken arsehole and he absolutely deserved it.

(I’m a single hermit now, for everyone’s safety.)

I suppose I also thought that my parents really loved my kids and would never treat them how they treated me. I look at pics of the kids and I just can't believe that my parents wouldn't see them as babies! You know 6 is little!
I'm almost more upset about my husbands reaction though, I'm desperate for support and all he says is 'you cannot even grasp how far you've crossed the line' and other pompous bullshit. But yeah his parents weren't violent although they did smack on occasion.
@Wildorchidz I will certainly be seeking further therapy.

Jesus, OP! Two adults chase your child, yelling abuse and then one of them hits and pinches him while spouting insults at him?! And you are feeling guilty for slapping said adult?! Read that back to yourself and then add the whole back story of the vicious abuse you were forced to put up with by the same people. I am amazed you stopped at one slap! Your DH needs to give his head a wobble and you need to cut your parents out of your life. I know what you are going through, OP, my parents were mentally and physically abusive for years. I tried for too long, hoping we could all leave it behind us and have some kind of relationship. But toxic people are always toxic, sometimes they just change the method of delivery for the poison they bring to your life. I realised when I became a mother just how bad my childhood was. Once I could see how nasty they were, I started getting angry and I hated their visits. We could all only tolerate it as they would only visit a couple of times a year and they did behave around the kids. But it all came to a head a few years ago, my DH banned them from the house and urged me to get counselling. It was a very hard process but I am much happier now and have a good life. My children and my DH are also much happier not having toxic people in their lives. I understand the rage - the night things came to a head, I actually thought of picking up a frying pan that was to hand and hitting my father with it. I probably wouldn't have stopped at one blow. I got therapy at Crisis and they were brilliant. But I warn you now - I started seeing a lot of people in a different light once I had my therapy, and I cut out the extended family who knew about my abuse and did nothing. If my DH hadn't been firmly on my side, I probably would have left him. I had not time for those who made excuses for my abuse and still don't. Please get help to get them out of your life.

'you cannot even grasp how far you've crossed the line'

Please show him this thread. He needs to understand he’s in a minority on this.

If your mother has left her handprint on your DS then that is really serious, that is a very very hard smack

They actually chased him into the house to smack him and then carry on hurting him

Poor DS - was he really being ‘a little shit’ or just behaving like many six year olds in a foreign country with lots of new experiences overwhelming him and out of his usual routine?

OP

They actually frightened your DS to death. I bet he cannot believe that a so-called loving grandmother went after him like that.

Of course you hit her.

Your DH wants to think on that for a bit.

You poor thing. I actually feel I want to hit your mother on your behalf! (Dont worry I know its wrong and I dont hit people but just had a moment thinking how you probably felt seeing your child being abused and the memories of your own abuse suddenly coming to the fore).

Your parents are and were a disgrace.

It may be good for you to step back from a relationship with them while you look after your own mental health, I would suggest with the aid of a professional. You cannot but have been left with issues after the way they brought you up.

Your husband's reaction and lack of understanding isn't helpful to you or your son, I dont know what to suggest here, but there are many wise MN people who can offer good advice.

Good luck x