About to see the guy who ghosted me - HELP!

[Floopyandtired]

I’ll try to keep it short. Had been seeing a new guy for a few months but taking it slow due to DC being involved. He left for basic training 12 weeks ago and I basically never heard from him again. We have mutual friends and he kept in touch with most of them. He was even messaging one of them while I was in the pub with them on Friday night. But he completely ghosted me. It’s like he joined up and forgot I existed.

Anyway, I am going to a birthday meal tonight and he’s going to be there. I messaged him yesterday just basically saying I was hurt that he ghosted me and I would never expected it if him. Obviously he’s ignored it.

But I’m cacking it about tonight. The ship has sailed and there’s absolutely no going back but I don’t know how to be around him, what to say, whether to give him a hard time or kill him with kindness... please help!

Well I probably wouldn't drink any alcohol while you're there. You can ignore someone quite well without it. Plus he might play on your hurt to sweet talk you into bed.

How many are going? I would ignore him as much as possible, but obviously thats easier with 14 people rather than 4.

Ignore him completely. Chat and have fun with everyone else there but pretend he isn’t there.

If you’re nice and polite to him, he’ll take that as you’ve forgiven him and all is well.

There’s probably about 15 people going but I only know 6 of them. There is no chance of him sweet talking me into anything. I just can’t decide if I’d rather get the closure of him telling me the truth, whatever that is, or ignoring him and rising above.

Have a great time and show him you don’t miss him one bit! Just be cheerful and breezy and normal.

I’m so nervous I feel sick. I keep making excuses for him in my head when deep down I know he’s just a cock. Really appreciating this thread to vent on.

I wouldn't ignore him, I'd bring up the fact you'd been seeing each other and he ghosted you loudly in front of the group. He doesn't get to do that and then make you feel uncomfortable spending time with your friends.

Don't waste your energy.

As you say, that ship has sailed.

He's not going to apologise so don't ask for one.

Go along tonight, have a great time and don't even waste your breath on him.

Because he's relying on you being too embarrassed to say anything OP - but you'd only need to be embarrassed if you'd done something wrong, and you haven't.

Give him a very bright and breezy "Hi, how you doing" with a huge smile, don't listen to the answer then try and ignore him the rest of the night. Good luck 👍

Will there be any hot men there you can flirt with?

If you have to talk to him just be honest - "I think you are a coward and a loser - but hey, you do you, dude... we are all just living lives here...."

What’s worst is we had a chat about ending things before he left and he assured me he didn’t want it to end, he was happy with where things were going etc. I put no pressure on him as I’m past all that crap. Why do people do it, whatever’s happened to honesty!

I’d try to do a completely unfazed ignore but polite when having to speak to him. If he tries to apologise, I’d accept it but laugh it off as no excuse is good enough. Probably better not to but I’d want to retort with something outlining how rubbish he’s been to ghost you.

You know he’s not worth your time or effort at all though since he’s not told you even a weak reason.

Get yourself feeling as confident as possible and ignore him to focus on the evening and friends 🥂

Ps. Basic military training is hard and unless you’re in a serious relationship, it’s very hard to maintain without a lot of effort. So might have been a lucky break to realise he’s not worth the heartache (trying to put a positive spin for you)

I guess there will be some other blokes there but I’m awful at flirting. Awful awful

Breezy and unconcerned - you have moved forward and he is Insignificant. A general hello to the group/in his direction. Then get on with being your most awesome self while paying him not the slightest bit of notice. His ego doesn’t need the boost of knowing he got under your skin.

Hard to say what you mean by taking it slow and whether in his mind he was dating you or if it was a stage prior to that.
But still not replying to earlier messages when you were still communicating isn’t on.

I’d just say what in my head. I always tend to. Something like - look, we are both adults and a simple message ‘sorry I have moved on’ would have been an adult way to deal with it back then. Etc

@MrsGrannyWeatherwax thank you, I appreciate your positivity as I always try to see the good in everyone and every situation. I can’t imagine what he’s had to go through and that’s part of the excuses I’ve made for him again and again. But I know he’s home now and still not a peep.

I wouldn't give him the time of day OP, and if you have to I'd be v cheery and casual. But I'd concentrate on my friends and enjoying myself with them. It's his loss, he's a dick. Enjoy your night, don't let him spoil it xx

Taking it slow as in hadn’t met each other’s children yet, but not dating other people. Seeing each other a couple of times a week and talking every day. Had some deep meaningful chats about life and just generally enjoying the newness of each other. I guess the novelty for him wore off quickly!

I’d be coolly polite but not seek him out or question him - I can’t see what acceptable excuse he’d have anyway. Just act like he’s an acquaintance. Good luck!

TBH I wouldn't go to the birthday dinner. What's in it for you? A night of excruciating embarrassment, it sounds like.

He’s only going through basic training though, it’s just tiring and full on. There’s still opportunities to talk, txt and speak to family and friends so he has no real excuses.

Some people who join the military do start seeing other military people due to the pressured environment and limited ability to see partners. I’d personally guess quite a few do, maybe 20-30% due to often being young and single. Who knows if he has but I’d probably assume he had to add some righteous anger and prevent myself falling for any pursuing he does tonight.

Go, look amazing. Have fun and do not make any attempt to talk to him etc. If anyone asks if you are seeing anyone etc ‘oh actually I was seeing ‘blabla’ recently but he ghosted me and now ignores me.’

If you try and talk to him etc he will spin it that you are crazy and wouldn’t accept that things were over. Just remain dignified and stay away from him and if anyone asks just tell them the truth. If they ask why you don’t confront him ‘Wouldn’t want to give him any reason to say his behaviour was justified by refusing to let go. If he has a good reason he knows where I am.’

@Floopyandtired - the convo you had with him before he left, did you initiate it? Did he think you were trying to break up with him and now he’s ignoring you to save face?