About to see the guy who ghosted me - HELP!

[Floopyandtired]

I’ll try to keep it short. Had been seeing a new guy for a few months but taking it slow due to DC being involved. He left for basic training 12 weeks ago and I basically never heard from him again. We have mutual friends and he kept in touch with most of them. He was even messaging one of them while I was in the pub with them on Friday night. But he completely ghosted me. It’s like he joined up and forgot I existed.

Anyway, I am going to a birthday meal tonight and he’s going to be there. I messaged him yesterday just basically saying I was hurt that he ghosted me and I would never expected it if him. Obviously he’s ignored it.

But I’m cacking it about tonight. The ship has sailed and there’s absolutely no going back but I don’t know how to be around him, what to say, whether to give him a hard time or kill him with kindness... please help!

I agree with @dragonflyflew not the purpose of the thread, but I agree.

His reaction was maybe extreme but I completely get why you got a reaction you did. Why did you tell him he could go if he wanted to? You're nobody to him, not even a friend. He's ignored you and your messages months.

I too would love to know his side

Oh, you couldn’t be cool could you?

You're nobody to him, not even a friend. He's ignored you and your messages months

Hard to hear I should imagine but completely fair!

I think any relationship was always purely inside your head and he was having a bit of fun before his training - admittedly not noble behaviour by any means.

He sent you loads of signs and still you pursued him!

The text the night before was cringeworthy enough but then to corner him in the pub?
OMG...

It’s clear that your main motivation last night was to see him and rekindle something (that never existed) not celebrate your friend’s birthday.

I’m not surprised he reacted like that tbh, that, it was a incredibly creepy thing to say!

Fast forward a couple of hours and all is ok, some other friends are heading into town and I say I’m not keen as I have work tomorrow but that he can if he wants to

This is the bit that is intriguing me what does 'all is OK' cover, I wonder? I'm hoping it wasn't a passionate encounter in the pub toilets. And I wonder about the tone in which 'You can if you want to' was said come-hither and hoping he'll come home with you, because you've not been able to leave well alone and think you've rekindled things? Or Possessive Girlfriend mode, generously allowing your man out on the town solo? Either way, you need lessons in how to negotiate relationships.

“You can if you want to” like you were giving him permission? Yeah, definitely proprietary boundary issues there. He didn’t ‘ghost’ you, he dropped you and if you were as pushy and needy as this while you were dating I can’t say I blame him. You failed to get the message because it wasn’t what you wanted to hear. I agree with PPs, last night wasn’t about your BF’s birthday it was about you getting an opportunity to get in this man’s face. Oh well, I guess you know now.

God, bad enough to have a night out like this, and then to have mumsnet all over you for your bad choices!

I'm confused by the 'you can if you want to' comment - reckon more context is needed as it seems like a strange thing to say off the cuff. Also his response seems extreme...

But I don't like the way words like 'needy' and 'desperate' get thrown around at women just because they won't take men's bad behaviour lying down. Ghosting someone is hurtful. It's a really shitty thing to do. They'd been seeing eachother a few months, it hadn't just been one or two dates. What on earth is wrong with telling someone their behaviour isn't acceptable? Why should women be "cool" and pretend it's fine. 'OOooh don't worry, just shit all over me, I won't say anything because I'm so cool and not needy and not desperate.' It's ok to care! There is nothing wrong with calling men out for their appalling treatment of women.

Another one who doesn't understand what you meant by 'well you can if you want' ?

Another one who doesn't understand what you meant by 'well you can if you want' ?

Another one who doesn't understand what you meant by 'well you can if you want' ?

Sorry for multiple post!

@ChippyPickledEggs

Agreed
the needy desperate crazy needs to stop.
The men can say and do anything they want and it's ok and you just have to eat the shit sandwich, but if a woman confronts a lying jerk, which is what he is, then there is something terribly wrong with her.

All those labels do is keep women in their place and allow arses to continue with their bs.

I don’t think the op is coming back....