Ex wants me to leave DP

[Boysbeforeflowers]

New to this, and this might be long, sorry.

When I was 17, I had a short fling with a 15 year old boy that resulted in me getting pregnant with twin boys. I was young and stupid (I know) and did lots of dumb stuff, but when I told the father a year after their birth, he wanted to be their dad and asked to be part of their lives. Ex loves the boys, who are now 13. Ex came into a sizeable inheritance when he was 18, and he used part of it to buy the twins and me a house. He is now married and has 4 DC with his wife. I have the boys Monday evening until Friday morning, and during half of the holidays.

Two years ago I met my DP. He moved in to my house a while ago, but he's recently mentioned he'd like me to move out and buy a house with him. This is a bit of a point of contention, but I digress. I love DP, but I'm not sure the boys like him, and I feel that they have been manipulating their father into getting me to try break things off with me.

Last time we spoke ex said DP sounded 'controlling' and wondered whether the relationship was a good one. He got quite annoyed when he found out DP wanted me to move, and we've had a few arguments about this. According to him it's all about the kids, but I feel like he's trying to tell me what to do and it's making me resent him!

Last night it all came to a head and I'm so angry and upset Twins are on holiday with their father atm and he called yesterday, screaming down the telephone that I need to leave my 'excuse of a man DP' as he's fucking with my kids heads. One of my twins has told us recently that he thinks he might be gay, and he's told his father that DP has been calling him derogatory names when I'm not around. Now apparently I am to be a horrible mother if I don't leave him. We had a blazing row over the phone, and eventually I just hung up on him and cried. DP is visiting family so isn't home, and I don't know whether to believe what my son has said. He's nearly 14 and hasn't been keen on me having a partner from the start, so part of me is worried that he's trying to drive a wedge between everyone. I just don't know what I should be doing. I want to call DP, but I'm just not in a good place right now, and I feel there's nobody on my side. My DC are my everything, but I feel so alone right now and I'm wishing I'd never gotten pregnant, as my life has been so bloody complicated since then. And now I just feel awful sad I know DP is about to propose as well, so there's all these things and they're overwhelming me and I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like my ex has it all figured out and I am just eternally being punished for being young and stupid that one time.

Sorry if that was long, it's hard to explain my situation and I'm finding things difficult to process atm.

It is perfectly okay to have a partner as long as you choose one who is good with you AND the children..

Absolutely, agree with this. DP isn't DS1s dad, I'm not DSDs Mum.

BUT we both came as a package, and understood that from the beginning.

This man doesn't understand that and there are signs that he's trying the oust the boys from their own home.

Saying you can never have a partner if you're a single parent is ridiculous, unrealistic and judgemental.

Saying it's really important to get to know that partner and make sure they're good to your children isn't.

Whilst I believe that children always come first I also don't think they get to dictate how their parents live their lives just because 'they're not keen on me having a partner.'

Your kids are teens. In a few years they'll be flying the nest and you'll be alone. Why do you need to end a good relationship - providing it is a good relationship.

Firstly you need to carefully determine whether or not this is true or whether the kids are making up malicious lies to try to get rid of your dp. Secondly your ex needs to butt out unless there is direct proof his kids are being upset or threatened by dp.

You've had a bit of a pasting here, OP, but you've had it very tough, bringing up twins on your own so young.

From what you've said, I would have serious concerns about buying a place with your DP and potentially losing the security you have. It doesn't bode well that he currently doesn't even contribute half to your bills and expenses. He's really onto a real winner, not paying any rent and not even half the household bills! (The twins aren't earning, so shouldn't count when dividing up expenses.) Think long and hard before you sell a house you own and join forces with him financially.

Your DP is a total wanker. Thank fuck he's shown you his true colours before you bought his a house for with him. Putting aside whether he has or hasn't won stepfather of the year - he's proved to be a complete user as a partner to you. He's been shafting you financially for months, he's not been pitching in around the house and he's turned very nasty very quickly.

Wouldn't it be nice if he were gone by the time your boys come back from their holiday?

@Boysbeforeflowers I think you’ve been very honest about your feelings here on an anonymous forum, and presumably feeling pretty down at the moment, have let them spill as some stress relief. It’s ok to feel sorry for yourself and admit to feeling jealous and envious from time to time. We all have some emotions like that, but put a face on the majority of time for fear of being judged. I don’t think it’s helpful to say grow up. You did a lot of growing up as a teenage mother to twins with little family support. You’ve been lucky to have been gifted a house for you and your children, but it’s also led to other complications so, you’ve not had an easy ride.

When you first posted, you mentioned your children possibly manipulating the situation and I agree that that is sometimes the case. Children can play one parent off against the other to get what they want. I was a step child, and since growing up I can see now it’s not always easy for the step child or parent. Sometimes children won’t get along with their step parent, same as they won’t always get along with their biological parent. It’s difficult to decide what is normal teenage behaviour and what are real problems. I don’t see the weekend issue as a massive issue, surely you’d want some weekends with your children, for quality time with them?

I have to say though, that the more you post about DP the more red flags are appearing. He’s not pulling his weight with the bills, you’re scared of him ruining the holidays for everyone and his reaction to you asking for space is just shocking. Perhaps your children are picking up on something you’ve not noticed or chosen to excuse as normal day to day disagreements? You’re kind of left in limbo at the moment with them being away and I’m sure you’re desperate to get to the bottom of this. Hopefully when they’re back you can do this. In the meantime I’d maybe have a think about your relationship with DP and start considering whether or not he really is the good egg you’d thought he was. There maybe other things you’ve not realised were concerning? Hope it goes well OP. Be kind to yourself x

Yes, I'd say there are definitely some problems there, regardless of abuse (though obvs this is a major issue). DP is continuing to text dumb shit, so I guess he feels it's all okay now and he can air his dirty laundry?

Mostly feeling ambivalent today. I need to pack for my own holiday with DC, so that can keep me busy. DS showed me some slightly disturbing photos of him and his brother trying to teach their baby sisters how to surf . Their poor mother!

This sounds horribly familiar to me. It took my mum years to realise that when I said I hated her DP and didn't like him living with us, it was NOT teenage hormones. It was because he didn't like me and wanted me out of my own home. That finally became clear to him when I got to 18 and he became frustrated with the fact I didn't move out. He clearly thought if he stuck it out until I was old enough to leave, he would get my mum and my house to himself.

It's so easy to write off your kids feelings as just being jealous or moody or whatever - but that's not always true. Listen to them.

Process what? You independently processing or are you and [ex's name] together in bed now, he does like to keep his fucking expanding flock of women close

OP, whatever you do, get someone to change the locks now and do not open the door to him if you are on your own. The combination about what you said and the texts you are receiving makes me think that you are in danger of getting a good dose of who he really is very soon or find the house thrashed when you return from the holiday.

For gods sake put your children first! Get those locks changed.

Good grief what is your ‘D’P on?! What a nob. In a weird sort of way he is almost doing you a favour. At least you don’t have to worry about whether you are doing the right thing. He is helpfully showing you that yep, he really is a twat.

Enjoy your upcoming holiday. Hope everything works out. x

Is it just you and the DC going on holiday? Might be the perfect time to have an open chat with them about exactly how they are feeling and what may have been happening when you are not around to witness it.

Also to show that you are listening to them and what they have to say.

Out of interest, what did you say to your dp when he suggested they spend more time with your ex and not with you. No judgement, but did that not get your alarm bells ringing? How long has he lived with you? And how soon after moving in did he suggest this?

Oh God with every post, your so called "D"P sounds more and more of a twat. Dump him and run for the hills. You can do better than him. Much, much better.

I just wanted to share my own experience which has some similarities to this situation.

Exh and I split when my kids were 4 and 6, he got a new partner (OW) pretty much straight away but I was single for the next 4-5 years, by choice only having casual flings here and there and keeping them well away from my kids.

Eventually one of these casual partners became something more and he did meet my kids after a while. My son particularly had a few problems with this, and complained to his dad that my boyfriend was mean to him. I don't think this was true, my son was just finding it hard all of a sudden having another man on the scene with his mum.

It all kicked off one day and there were many tears from us all and I was resigned to having to end things with my boyfriend. My ex to be fair to him, told me not to be hasty and just to give everyone a chance to adjust and just keep an eye on things and see how it all panned out.

Now we're about 4 years on, and things are really good with everyone. My boyfriend did move in when it felt appropriate, he gets on great with the kids now and they're glad I've got someone nice. Exh and I continue to parent 50/50.

My boyfriend contributes to half of the bills and does almost all the food shopping (and cooking!) I pay the mortgage as it's my house. I will definitely not be getting married to my boyfriend as I own my own home and it's my kids future financial security and I would never compromise that.

If my boyfriend ever tried to insinuate my kids should be here less, I would have been very concerned. Some teething issues are normal but I wouldn't have moved him it without them being resolved first. I think you have jumped the gun here. I certainly wouldn't get married or sell your home, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose by doing that.

I'm kind of hoping your 'D'P has been such a twat in his messages that he has given himself enough rope to hang himself. You don't have to sacrifice a relationship for your kids preferences, but you all deserve better than the partner you have, I think.

Good luck OP, you have some tough decisions to make. I hope others will be kinder to you on here than they were yesterday and you get the space to need to think x

'Acting out'? Did he actually use that phrase??

Dp sounds very controlling is refreshing that you and your kids dad get on so well I would not let him effect your co parenting relationship you should be proud of how good you have made the co parenting relationship with your ex op you sound like a great mum

Please have the locks changed before you go on holiday. Your 'DP' shouldn't have access to your home anymore. Can you have someone in the house when he comes to collect his stuff? He doesn't seem like the type to go quietly.

Look into the Freedom Programme. If you had moved into another house with your DP you would have a mortgage, be paying 3/4 of bills, and when you broke up he would take 50% of the house, leaving you and the twins homeless. This is financial madness; you already have a house with no mortgage! Luckily you have now seen your DP for what he really is, but you were a whisker away from being royally shafted.

OP, having been in an abusive relationship myself, I do think you need to end things with your DP.

His texts show he is jealous of your ex without reason. He's not paying a fair share, and wants to get your DC out the house.

Your DSs have been talking to your dad and have disclosed he's made some nasty comments. I know you would rather not want to believe them, but asking for a lock on the door is NOT typical teen behaviour and really jumped out at me.

After I left my ex, the DC started to talk to me, letting me know just how abusive he was to them when I wasn't around. I'm so glad I left and put the DC first.

Your posts show loads of red flags, there's nothing wrong with wanting a partner, but you shouldn't be settling, especially not with someone like this.

Your DP is not a good fit with your family. He's jealous of your ex and that may well transfer to your dc's by him. It's your life, but I'd finish with him and wait to meet a more mature person.

I have to second that, if he hates your DC’s dad, he can struggle to see them as separate individuals.

My ex hates me with a passion, when he no longer hurt me, guess who became the victim of his anger and resentment? Yep, our son.

Things have not been so good today. I was actually feeling quite positive this afternoon, but partner has been saying he's upset and loves me and he has nowhere to go. His texts are starting to sound increasingly incoherent and I'm worried he'll get hold of the boys somehow.

They've had such a good time today as well, I don't want their trip to be spoiled . I'm tempted to tell him to come here before he does anything stupid, but on the other hand I really don't want to see him. I want to drown myself in some wine, but that would do nobody any good.

Don't see him OP. You don't have to if you don't want to.

Contact Ex and ask him to ensure the boys' phones are switched off so "D"P can't contact them and then enjoy your wine.

You’re looking for excuses to see him.

You can easily text ex and tell him to block dp’s number on the boys’ phones. Problem solved.

You poor thing what a mess all of this is for you to process.

The good news is that DP has made it very clear he needs to go. Very clear. He should not be in your life let alone your boys. The relationships we see our parents have (together or with other partners) are a blueprint it can be hard not to perpetuate.

Please show your boys what a strong woman you are (and you are, you sound like you stepped up at a very young age as did their dad) and tell DP it's over.

Your relationship with OP as friend and coparent sounds like it is usually great and very healthy - I would have been so happy and impressed and proud if my parents had been able to coparent us like that after their separation.

Don't let DP (dickhead partner) undo all that hard work.

Sorry that was meant to say your relationship with EX not with OP!

Don’t see him. If he is becoming incoherent, he may be at his most dangerous. Honestly, you asked for time off and in less than 24 hours he is going through from the false accusations to the victim stage.

Do not open the door, you will regret it. If you are worried about him contacting the kids, just text them or their father to say you and P had an argument and if he calls them it might be a good idea not to pick up the call.

But after you do that, just evaluate why you are worried he contacts them. Obviously, he cannot get them to advocate for him with you, but what are you afraid he could do or say, and add it to the list of reasons why you cannot trust him as a reliable partner.

And do not drink, try to stop thinking about it by watching a movie or talking to your friends. Just make sure you leave a key in the key hole so he cannot get in if he decides to show against your will.