Ex wants me to leave DP

[Boysbeforeflowers]

New to this, and this might be long, sorry.

When I was 17, I had a short fling with a 15 year old boy that resulted in me getting pregnant with twin boys. I was young and stupid (I know) and did lots of dumb stuff, but when I told the father a year after their birth, he wanted to be their dad and asked to be part of their lives. Ex loves the boys, who are now 13. Ex came into a sizeable inheritance when he was 18, and he used part of it to buy the twins and me a house. He is now married and has 4 DC with his wife. I have the boys Monday evening until Friday morning, and during half of the holidays.

Two years ago I met my DP. He moved in to my house a while ago, but he's recently mentioned he'd like me to move out and buy a house with him. This is a bit of a point of contention, but I digress. I love DP, but I'm not sure the boys like him, and I feel that they have been manipulating their father into getting me to try break things off with me.

Last time we spoke ex said DP sounded 'controlling' and wondered whether the relationship was a good one. He got quite annoyed when he found out DP wanted me to move, and we've had a few arguments about this. According to him it's all about the kids, but I feel like he's trying to tell me what to do and it's making me resent him!

Last night it all came to a head and I'm so angry and upset Twins are on holiday with their father atm and he called yesterday, screaming down the telephone that I need to leave my 'excuse of a man DP' as he's fucking with my kids heads. One of my twins has told us recently that he thinks he might be gay, and he's told his father that DP has been calling him derogatory names when I'm not around. Now apparently I am to be a horrible mother if I don't leave him. We had a blazing row over the phone, and eventually I just hung up on him and cried. DP is visiting family so isn't home, and I don't know whether to believe what my son has said. He's nearly 14 and hasn't been keen on me having a partner from the start, so part of me is worried that he's trying to drive a wedge between everyone. I just don't know what I should be doing. I want to call DP, but I'm just not in a good place right now, and I feel there's nobody on my side. My DC are my everything, but I feel so alone right now and I'm wishing I'd never gotten pregnant, as my life has been so bloody complicated since then. And now I just feel awful sad I know DP is about to propose as well, so there's all these things and they're overwhelming me and I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like my ex has it all figured out and I am just eternally being punished for being young and stupid that one time.

Sorry if that was long, it's hard to explain my situation and I'm finding things difficult to process atm.

@Winterlife my son is not a man, he's a 13 year old boy who is trying to discover who he is, and who was told by a grown man that he is no longer going to be able to do something he loves because of his sexuality. I didn't want to believe that he'd said it, but he did. Also, calling anybody what ex-partner called my son is unacceptable, whether they are grown men or not.

I know.

I didn't realize the response was about his sexuality.

So glad you kicked that c*nt to the curb. You and your sons deserve better!

So glad you kicked that c*nt to the curb. You and your sons deserve better!

Thank god you’ve put your kids before your partner OP, I say that as someone who has battled with mental health problems for over thirty years because my mother chose to stay with her bastard OH no matter how cruel he was to me.

You’ve done so well to have patented them from such a young age and your ex stepping up as a teen is so impressive too- my dad was never in my life, he was 19 when I was born.

Stay strong and don’t let your partner worm his way back in. Your kids’ happiness has to come before everything.

I've just read your whole thread. Your children's dad is a decent stand up man.

Your most recent Ex is an idiot and has shown his true colours. There's no joke and nothing funny in his comment about your DSs sexuality.

You did the right thing in ending it with him.... I'm curious though ..why does he actually have your kids dad's number?

I know how you feel about wanting to be in a relationship...but it has to be the right relationship...not with a man a homophobic idiot.

Raising twin boys at the age you had them, must have been very challenging.

I think you've done brilliantly OP. I usually I think MumNet is too quick to say leave the bastard, but it's the right call here. We all let our hearts rule our heads. I totally appreciate the wanting to be loved aspiration.

OP you've done the right thing.

Well done OP.

I have just read the thread and you have been very strong breaking up with your nasty, unpleasant partner.

It sounded like he was after your money, because you own a property outright, and because he was saving for a property and not making adequate contribution to the bills. I am not sure how long you were together before you moved in? Be wary of future men in case they have a financial motive.

You've made the right call for both you and your boys, Boys Now change the locks and go and have a great holiday.

I don't want to get involved in their dick slinging contest

The only one at fault here is the one you just kicked out. Your twins dad has done nothing wrong from anything you've said.

As you've identified your ExP is jealous of your twins dad and feels inferior.

Your Ex got to start knowing his sons a year after they were born? He's shown great maturity for his age at the time and must come from a good family.

So often, becoming parents very young, especially as a father impacts the child negatively, but your boys have a great relationship with their dad. It's very good.

I just wanted to say that you're doing a really brave thing. Even though your partner has now shown his true colours, you've still had to sacrifice something. It's so easy to hold onto a bad relationship when you're lonely. I can completely understand why you would feel jealous. You will feel awful now and your partner will keep guilting you but you need to stay strong. Better things will come, but you can only have a happy relationship when you are feeling happier and more complete in yourself. It sounds like you don't have many strong friendships outside of your partner. I think that after you've given yourself some time to hide away and grieve, that's what you need to focus on. Yes, your boys are important, but it sounds like you don't have much in your life that is just for you.

OP your boys will always remember that you valued them more highly than this unpleasant man. You've just protected their self esteem, in every way (but especially the son who feels he might be gay) and that is utterly priceless. What kind of man pokes fun at a teen's sexuality like that. He should be completely ashamed of himself rather than self pitying. Don't feel sorry for him!!!! Homophobic bully.

Please stop me before I make a mistake, I know I am in the wrong here, believe me.

Here goes..

I have been with my partner for 5 years, we are engaged and due to get married in 18 months. Honestly I do love him, he is a good man however there is somethings which frustrate me so much and make me feel so unappreciated.

We have a history of pregnancy loss and are currently undergoing tests to see if we can find out what is wrong.

Partner was supposed to give up smoking 14 months ago after the advice of a doctor said that he should, I got told I needed to give up caffeine and a variety of other things to which I have.

Partner was also told he needed to improve his diet, stop drinking so much pop, and cut out the alcohol. He hasn't done this.

He doesn't eat healthily which I've tried so hard to help him with but before he even puts the food in his mouth he is screwing up his face. He honestly behaves like a child.

He does nothing to actually help our situation, it's all me always doing it. To be honest I'm getting pretty fed up of it. The problem is, I do love him. I just wish he would be more pre-active in showing me he loves me. I'm constantly trying to show him affection but never get anything back.

There's been a lot of times I've needed him this last couple of years but feel he just hasn't been there. He openly admits he struggles to show affection. He only kisses me really if he wants to have sex. Which is not regular at all as he has hardly any sex drive. It's maybe around 4 times a month, sometimes less.

I also had a relationship with someone else before I was with this partner, I was completely and utterly in love with this person. We never lost contact really and always kept each other at a arms length.

He showed me he loved me more than anyone I've ever known however we was young and really really dumb! We let each other go and it's clear to us both we regret it. We both seem to be pulling away from each other though as we know this isn't right, we speak as friends but if one of us makes a comment we pull away.

I know he's not good for me, he's a womaniser. but for some bloody reason we keep being drawn back towards each other! I dream about him a lot recently. I'm not sure if it's him or the way he made me feel I'm craving but there's something.

He's openly told me he would like to see where things would go if I was to split up with my current partner. I've very angrily told him no and that I love my partner.

He thinks I'm staying with him because I'm scared I'll end up alone. Which is true, I've just not told him that.

My question is, is it possibly to be in love with two people at the same time for very different reasons? Trust me.. I know I'm the worse type of person I know.

Me and this ex have never met or done anything. Just a few texts sometimes .. normally in a friendly way, but then he tends to start talking deep and ofc I have to shut it down..

However last night for some reason I just felt so angry with him, he's never actually said " I'm sorry for everything that happened before ".

I was so young when we was together and he completely broke my heart and now I feel like he's messing with my mind trying to get me to split up with my current partner.

We have had a great relationship other than the last 2 years. My life is a mess, and I have no one to talk to as to be totally honest. I'm so ashamed of myself for even feeling like this

Please stop me before I make a mistake, I know I am in the wrong here, believe me.

Here goes..

I have been with my partner for 5 years, we are engaged and due to get married in 18 months. Honestly I do love him, he is a good man however there is somethings which frustrate me so much and make me feel so unappreciated.

We have a history of pregnancy loss and are currently undergoing tests to see if we can find out what is wrong.

Partner was supposed to give up smoking 14 months ago after the advice of a doctor said that he should, I got told I needed to give up caffeine and a variety of other things to which I have.

Partner was also told he needed to improve his diet, stop drinking so much pop, and cut out the alcohol. He hasn't done this.

He doesn't eat healthily which I've tried so hard to help him with but before he even puts the food in his mouth he is screwing up his face. He honestly behaves like a child.

He does nothing to actually help our situation, it's all me always doing it. To be honest I'm getting pretty fed up of it. The problem is, I do love him. I just wish he would be more pre-active in showing me he loves me. I'm constantly trying to show him affection but never get anything back.

There's been a lot of times I've needed him this last couple of years but feel he just hasn't been there. He openly admits he struggles to show affection. He only kisses me really if he wants to have sex. Which is not regular at all as he has hardly any sex drive. It's maybe around 4 times a month, sometimes less.

I also had a relationship with someone else before I was with this partner, I was completely and utterly in love with this person. We never lost contact really and always kept each other at a arms length.

He showed me he loved me more than anyone I've ever known however we was young and really really dumb! We let each other go and it's clear to us both we regret it. We both seem to be pulling away from each other though as we know this isn't right, we speak as friends but if one of us makes a comment we pull away.

I know he's not good for me, he's a womaniser. but for some bloody reason we keep being drawn back towards each other! I dream about him a lot recently. I'm not sure if it's him or the way he made me feel I'm craving but there's something.

He's openly told me he would like to see where things would go if I was to split up with my current partner. I've very angrily told him no and that I love my partner.

He thinks I'm staying with him because I'm scared I'll end up alone. Which is true, I've just not told him that.

My question is, is it possibly to be in love with two people at the same time for very different reasons? Trust me.. I know I'm the worse type of person I know.

Me and this ex have never met or done anything. Just a few texts sometimes .. normally in a friendly way, but then he tends to start talking deep and ofc I have to shut it down..

However last night for some reason I just felt so angry with him, he's never actually said " I'm sorry for everything that happened before ".

I was so young when we was together and he completely broke my heart and now I feel like he's messing with my mind trying to get me to split up with my current partner.

We have had a great relationship other than the last 2 years. My life is a mess, and I have no one to talk to as to be totally honest. I'm so ashamed of myself for even feeling like this

@SandyY2K Ex was raised by his mother, pretty sure father was never in the picture. I met her a few times when the boys were little, she was a force of nature .

I don't have a big support network. My parents never got over the fact I became pregnant young, and they've never been too interested in the boys. No other family. I have some friends, but more to casually hang out with than to lean on for moral support.

I'm quite close to ex's wife, but I've always just been worried about being too chummy with either her or ex. I've been getting the vibe from wife that she is looking to be closer than we currently are, but is that ok? . I don't want to come across as some freak. I'm feeling quite lonely today actually, this situation sucks.

If SHE’S looking to be closer then how does that make you a freak?!

I think you and ex were so young and never really together so the same complications don’t apply! You’re more like friends who co-parent. That’s fine. It’s lovely, actually since it really is the best for the boys.

Why not let them be your friends? A family of sorts. Ex obviously cares about you, so does his wife by the sounds of it!

Maybe you should take ex up on his offer to fly you out there. Spend some time with them. Let his wife become a true friend.

You say you have no support to lean on but they are there for you so lean on them

It sounded like he was after your money, because you own a property outright, and because he was saving for a property and not making adequate contribution to the bills. I am not sure how long you were together before you moved in? Be wary of future men in case they have a financial motive.

this crossed my mind too actually.

Take this as a lesson learned OP, we all make mistakes it's how we solve them that matters. By kicking your lowlife 'D'P to the curb you have freed yourself to find the life you really want and you can continue to have a wonderful relationship with your twins. You've had some harsh responses which may not have helped during a difficult situation

If your ex s wife wants to be friends go for it.

I was with dp's ex.
Always looked out for her and took her under my wing abit.

If you genuinely like and trust her I'd go for it x

@Boysbeforeflowers

Well done for being so brave and telling “D”P to sling his hook.

I was raised by a mother who was desperate to be in a relationship – it didn’t matter who it was with or what they did to her or me, someone was better than no-one.

As a result, I had a rotten, miserable childhood and a skewed view of relationships that took almost 2 decades to shift.

I hope your bravery and selflessness means your boys will look back and see how much you loved, protected and put them first.

x

I think you, ex (as in kids dad not most recent one) and ex's wife all sound lovely! It's so hard to navigate these situations but FWIW I think you're all doing really fucking well!

Well done for setting your boys such a great example - like other posters have said they will think of you as brilliant and brave especially when they look back as adults and realise how tough these things are

Of course it is ok to be chummy with your children’s step mum if you both are up to it.

I am very close to one of the exes of my exH, she was great with my kid and we have a lot in common. The way we managed to be such good friends was to never talk about him.

I know that you are saying that you don’t have a family, but look around you, you have a very helpful family, it is unconventional as there are 2 households involved by they certainly seem more helpful and involved than many of our families are.

I have raised DS single handedly for a decade now. My closest friends these days are those who share this journey of raising kids alone. They simply get so well where I am coming from if I am sad, worried or happy because they are in the same boat. I’m sure there are someone like you close to you who needs a close friend as much as you do.

WRT men... don’t be disappointed, despite what most people expect, there are quite a good number of good men out there who are great with kids. Teenagers are a bit scary to other single people as we asume teens are abit territorial but that is rarely the case. You are young enough to turn your life around, the only thing you need to avoid is becoming a hermit in your house 💐

Ex was raised by his mother, pretty sure father was never in the picture. I met her a few times when the boys were little, she was a force of nature

She did a good job with him.

My parents never got over the fact I became pregnant young, and they've never been too interested in the boys.

That's a shame. I can understand the initial shock, but .... not coming round and showing interest is sad.

In the end, it's them missing out on their GC.

I sometimes think parents forget that they will one day become old and need their family to support them.

Perhaps your Exs wife wants to get really close to you, to ensure nothing happens with you and your Ex. Or that could just be me being cynical.

She might just like you as a person and want to be more friendly with you. After all, your kids are siblings.

@SandyY2K haha I doubt that. We've been what I'd call friends for years, but not call-you-at-2-am-to- cry kind of friends. We have quite a bit in common hobby wise, and I guess more recently there's the shared trauma of trying to birth twins!

She's been asking to go on a kayaking trip together for a while. Surely ex can cope with six children on his own for a few days...