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Original poster

Ex wants me to leave DP

321 replies

Boysbeforeflowers · 03/08/2019 12:40

New to this, and this might be long, sorry.

When I was 17, I had a short fling with a 15 year old boy that resulted in me getting pregnant with twin boys. I was young and stupid (I know) and did lots of dumb stuff, but when I told the father a year after their birth, he wanted to be their dad and asked to be part of their lives. Ex loves the boys, who are now 13. Ex came into a sizeable inheritance when he was 18, and he used part of it to buy the twins and me a house. He is now married and has 4 DC with his wife. I have the boys Monday evening until Friday morning, and during half of the holidays.

Two years ago I met my DP. He moved in to my house a while ago, but he's recently mentioned he'd like me to move out and buy a house with him. This is a bit of a point of contention, but I digress. I love DP, but I'm not sure the boys like him, and I feel that they have been manipulating their father into getting me to try break things off with me.

Last time we spoke ex said DP sounded 'controlling' and wondered whether the relationship was a good one. He got quite annoyed when he found out DP wanted me to move, and we've had a few arguments about this. According to him it's all about the kids, but I feel like he's trying to tell me what to do and it's making me resent him!

Last night it all came to a head and I'm so angry and upset Sad Twins are on holiday with their father atm and he called yesterday, screaming down the telephone that I need to leave my 'excuse of a man DP' as he's fucking with my kids heads. One of my twins has told us recently that he thinks he might be gay, and he's told his father that DP has been calling him derogatory names when I'm not around. Now apparently I am to be a horrible mother if I don't leave him. We had a blazing row over the phone, and eventually I just hung up on him and cried. DP is visiting family so isn't home, and I don't know whether to believe what my son has said. He's nearly 14 and hasn't been keen on me having a partner from the start, so part of me is worried that he's trying to drive a wedge between everyone. I just don't know what I should be doing. I want to call DP, but I'm just not in a good place right now, and I feel there's nobody on my side. My DC are my everything, but I feel so alone right now and I'm wishing I'd never gotten pregnant, as my life has been so bloody complicated since then. And now I just feel awful sad I know DP is about to propose as well, so there's all these things and they're overwhelming me and I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like my ex has it all figured out and I am just eternally being punished for being young and stupid that one time. Sad

Sorry if that was long, it's hard to explain my situation and I'm finding things difficult to process atm.

OP posts:
latexsalesman · 04/08/2019 04:26

Your dp is not nice a man. Doesn't pay his share, creates arguments, clearly doesn't like your kids. Saying they you should change your visitation arrangement to suit him should have seen him out the door.

I'd tell him not to come back and change the locks. He doesn't get to refuse, CF doesn't even pay to live there. And get your savings back off him.

SD1978 · 04/08/2019 05:07

Have you asked the boys why it's ok for their dad to have a wife and further children, but they are uncomfortable with you having a partner? Is it the idea of a partner full stop - or juts this partner they object to? It always seems to be women that are told that children always trump their own need for affection from another adult- and if the boys have valid concerned then I agree with them. If it's juts that they don't want you with anyone, then sorry- they don't necessarily trump your own feelings, and that's something that should be worked with/on. If your partner had genuinely been rude to your son though- that's not on and would make me rethink the relationship.

Original poster
Boysbeforeflowers · 04/08/2019 08:08

@Monday55 I call him my ex on here, but that isn't actually correct. We were never in a relationship as such. We were just two teenagers who got drunk and ended up sleeping together. We became friends after having the twins, though I try and keep some distance between us as I don't want to get too emotionally attached to a man who is happily married. Ex's wife is a lovely woman who treats the boys well and is very comfortable around our relationship as co-parents. I am however absolutely envious of him and will not deny this, I'm only human.

Woke up to some whiney messages about DP's friend's house being cold and why am I suddenly acting out. Texted him back that I just need some space to process a few things, to which he texted this gem:

"Process what? You independently processing or are you and [ex's name] together in bed now, he does like to keep his fucking expanding flock of women close"

Hmm wtf. I'm actually not sure whether to laugh or cry over this dumb text. I'm sure I'll be told I told you so, but it's not so easy when you are living it.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 04/08/2019 08:20

Your dp sounds like a knob
He doesn't pay his way
He's irrationally jealous of your ex
He may have said some nasty things to your son
Your sons don't like him

You need to put aside this fantasy of having a good supportive relationship with him like your ex has and realise he's a knob. Your ex actually sounds nice.

lawnmowingsucks · 04/08/2019 08:25

but it's not so easy when you are living it.

It isn't easy but only you can change this situation

Kick DP into touch

Change the locks

Take time to process who you are and what you want and put those twins' needs high high high up there

Do therapy

Find you

You're so young

Life's not a race - it's a learning process

IvanaPee · 04/08/2019 08:28

@Boysbeforeflowers it can be hard when you’re living it, yes.

But come on! Look at that bloody text! Look how he treats you. You don’t need your boys to dislike him to understand what a thunder cunt he is!

Your envy/jealousy of your ex needs to be addressed. Seriously.

I would consider counselling. Learn how to be happy single so you don’t hitch your wagon to a total dead beat just because you don’t want to be alone!

lawnmowingsucks · 04/08/2019 08:36

Omg! Thunder Cunt!

Love it @IvanaPee Thanks

OP - that sums DP up. Don't stay with him to try to replicate ex's marriage.

Make your own way. Be proud of who you are and your amazing twins

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 04/08/2019 08:37

He's not exactly helping his case by texting you that is he?

Is this what happens every time you're upset with him? He ignores the actual problem and accuses you of something?

IvanaPee · 04/08/2019 08:44

@lawnmowingsucks it’s a particular favourite for when cunt just doesn’t cut it! Grin

lawnmowingsucks · 04/08/2019 08:50

@IvanaPee - it's now a particular favourite of mine too. Thank you Wink

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/08/2019 08:54

Firstly you need to sit down and talk to your dc about your current partner, let them know you’ll always have their best interest at heart.

Your dp doesn’t sound like he’d be a great role model for your dc by what you’ve said. He doesn’t sound like he wants to be a step parent, which, he’ll have to be if you move in together, and if you’re afraid of talking to him because of his reaction, to me that’s another red flag.

If you do decide to carry on with your relationship with your dp, then I’d suggest it’s a weekend only thing until your dc move out.

As for your ex, it’s great he’s stepped up to the plate re the dc, but again, he needs to understand that he can’t talk to you like that. By all means he can raise concerns and discuss with you. But he shouldn’t be ranting and raving at you. Nip that in the bud too

You need to start putting in strong boundaries with regards to all the men in your life

IvanaPee · 04/08/2019 08:55

Her ex already apologized and offered to fly OP out to join them.

MollyButton · 04/08/2019 08:59

Sorry but that text alone would be the end for me.

Pack up his stuff and kick him out.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/08/2019 09:02

Her ex already apologized and offered to fly OP out to join them.

Which is great, but he still shouldn't have spoken to OP the way he did in the first place. Being nasty and aggressive isn't ok as long as your apologise afterwards. His actions have added to an already difficult situation for the OP

LittleFairywren · 04/08/2019 09:08

I'm sorry op. You've had some awful responses here. You're clearly struggling but some posters just like to stick the boot in. I have twins, and it's fucking hard. I cannot imagine what you've gone through raising them by yourself, at such a young age. It can be such a lonely existence and I have a husband who pulls his weight so I can't imagine how it's been for you. Hats off to you for making it this far. Flowers

Aside from anything else, you sound like a strong, fabulous woman. Your dp doesn't deserve you. He's not good enough for you. You will find someone else, don't settle for second best. Listen to your children. They've spotted something and are trying to get your attention but they don't know how to raise it. They've accepted their stepmum so there's no reason why they can't accept a stepdad in the future. By the way I don't think that the ex sounds like the saint some people are painting him out to be. There's absolutely no excuse for him ringing up and shouting at you about something that you werent aware of.

newmomof1 · 04/08/2019 09:09

Your DP is a twat. Assuming you're shagging your ex because you don't want to see him, but not considering that it could be due to any of his many, many flaws.

Please just tell him it's not working.
He doesn't want to be a part of your family and your boys are so much more important that him.

Your ex is fantastic and you should accept his support. FWIW you're also a fantastic mom by all accounts, just making bad decisions when it comes to DP.

If your son tells you he's gay, he's gay. There's no 'potentially gay' about it.
If your DP has been homophobic, then he has been homophobic. I strongly suspect that your son is telling the truth about this and didn't want to tell you because he knows DP will blow up and is scared for you.

IvanaPee · 04/08/2019 09:13

@WhoKnewBeefStew I disagree.

His son broke down to him and he reacted as a parent. It wasn’t pleasant so he apologized.

Have you never lashed out when upset?

The son wants to live with his dad, confided in his dad, and the other one requested (but I’m assuming didn’t get) a lock on his door. Because of OP’s boyfriend. And their dad has been told all of this and has reacted. I think it’s justified.

HeyMonkey · 04/08/2019 09:17

Good grief please tell me you are packing DPs bags and leaving them out front as we speak.

What a horrible bellend. If you're in Cambridgeshire I'll come be your guard dog for the day.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 04/08/2019 09:25

Ignore everything else but that text. Imagine that you were trying to process something else and he sent that. The only acceptable answer to wanting some space is OK - not an accusation of shagging.

Your current partner is clearly very jealous of your ex - the fact that he is accusing you of sleeping with someone who you slept with once as a drunk teenager says a hell of a lot. He resents the co-parenting relationship you have and wants to see it as sexual, because he can't believe it is based on friendship. He resents the house, so he wants to buy a new one and get rid of it. And he resents your boys.

Please, just fuck him off. He sounds like an absolute twat.

mummmy2017 · 04/08/2019 09:26

You do know he will want you to put a house in joint names, and for you to pay 3/4 of bills, while he lord's it over you, then if you split will leave you homeless...
Cos fair is fair.
Think about your life.
About what you want.
Do you really want to be afraid of upsetting the man your with, that is not love....

timeisnotaline · 04/08/2019 09:31

There is a theme on this thread that children need to come first and that means the op can’t have a partner. This is absolutely untrue. What is true is that you can’t have a partner that is bad for the boys like this one. Of course you can have a partner though, my children don’t choose where they live or where they go to school or what the house rules are or the chores schedule except within reason, it would be poor parenting letting them dictate all this and it is also not great parenting teaching them that them coming first in your life means you will not make any life decisions for the family that don’t suit them and their haywire misfiring teenage emotions; that’s entirely different from putting their well being first all the time.
Op, best of luck ditching this guy, but also for finding a genuinely nice guy and bringing him into your family.

larrygrylls · 04/08/2019 09:31

Really not totally sure about this.

The ex sounds lovely as long as he keeps the OP single in the house he bought for her.

Step parents and step children (especially teens) may have a difficult relationship but that does not make the step parent abusive. The devil is in the detail.

And, only on MN is the idea that it is reasonable to ask for space and your partner should immediately move out of their home! How many of you would instantly leave your home (regardless of ownership) just because your partner asked for ‘space’. And how may of you would go it happily and without any suspicion?

Splitting up when you share a house is hard and nearly always involves bad feelings, at least in the short term.

Alloftit · 04/08/2019 09:37

I feel so sad reading this as honestly the way you write is so like my own mother; desperate to be loved to the point of putting an awful man above her own children. We hated him pretty much from the word go. He made the atmosphere uncomfortable, he physically attacked us at various times, he didn’t contribute to the house in terms of chores or money.
It took him doing something truly unforgivable (police involvement, sexual against me/my sisters) for her to finally kick him out... thereafter continuing to sneak off to see him for 18 months, only stopping when he met someone else. She’s still completely in love with him and tells us often she’d be with him still were it not for us. How she hates being lonely and how she hates not having her husband around.
Our relationship is fractured and unstable, to put it mildly. What we wouldn’t have done for her to have put us first. Do that for your sons, have their backs, show them they can rely on you to support them and protect them.

TanMateix · 04/08/2019 09:47

There is a theme on this thread that children need to come first and that means the op can’t have a partner. This is absolutely untrue. What is true is that you can’t have a partner that is bad for the boys like this one. Of course you can have a partner though, my children don’t choose where they live or where they go to school or what the house rules are or the chores schedule except within reason, it would be poor parenting letting them dictate all this and it is also not great parenting teaching them that them coming first in your life means you will not make any life decisions for the family that don’t suit them and their haywire misfiring teenage emotions; that’s entirely different from putting their well being first all the time.
Op, best of luck ditching this guy, but also for finding a genuinely nice guy and bringing him into your family.*

^^ This 500 times. It is stupid to assume you need to wait until the kids leave home to have a partner or that your children’s wishes rule the household. It is perfectly okay to have a partner as long as you choose one who is good with you AND the children.

There are plenty of men like this around. It is easier to find them if you find someone who has children so they are more likely to be more patient and understanding of your responsibilities as a mother and also, because looking at the relationship they have with their kids can give you an idea about how they will behave with your kids.

CrotchetyQuaver · 04/08/2019 09:52

The more I read, the worse this sounds about your DP.
I'd be arranging a talk with your sons with their father present (and DP miles away) so that they feel safe. I'm worried there's been a lot going on that you know nothing about and I think you need to hear it.

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