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Original poster

Ex wants me to leave DP

321 replies

Boysbeforeflowers · 03/08/2019 12:40

New to this, and this might be long, sorry.

When I was 17, I had a short fling with a 15 year old boy that resulted in me getting pregnant with twin boys. I was young and stupid (I know) and did lots of dumb stuff, but when I told the father a year after their birth, he wanted to be their dad and asked to be part of their lives. Ex loves the boys, who are now 13. Ex came into a sizeable inheritance when he was 18, and he used part of it to buy the twins and me a house. He is now married and has 4 DC with his wife. I have the boys Monday evening until Friday morning, and during half of the holidays.

Two years ago I met my DP. He moved in to my house a while ago, but he's recently mentioned he'd like me to move out and buy a house with him. This is a bit of a point of contention, but I digress. I love DP, but I'm not sure the boys like him, and I feel that they have been manipulating their father into getting me to try break things off with me.

Last time we spoke ex said DP sounded 'controlling' and wondered whether the relationship was a good one. He got quite annoyed when he found out DP wanted me to move, and we've had a few arguments about this. According to him it's all about the kids, but I feel like he's trying to tell me what to do and it's making me resent him!

Last night it all came to a head and I'm so angry and upset Sad Twins are on holiday with their father atm and he called yesterday, screaming down the telephone that I need to leave my 'excuse of a man DP' as he's fucking with my kids heads. One of my twins has told us recently that he thinks he might be gay, and he's told his father that DP has been calling him derogatory names when I'm not around. Now apparently I am to be a horrible mother if I don't leave him. We had a blazing row over the phone, and eventually I just hung up on him and cried. DP is visiting family so isn't home, and I don't know whether to believe what my son has said. He's nearly 14 and hasn't been keen on me having a partner from the start, so part of me is worried that he's trying to drive a wedge between everyone. I just don't know what I should be doing. I want to call DP, but I'm just not in a good place right now, and I feel there's nobody on my side. My DC are my everything, but I feel so alone right now and I'm wishing I'd never gotten pregnant, as my life has been so bloody complicated since then. And now I just feel awful sad I know DP is about to propose as well, so there's all these things and they're overwhelming me and I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like my ex has it all figured out and I am just eternally being punished for being young and stupid that one time. Sad

Sorry if that was long, it's hard to explain my situation and I'm finding things difficult to process atm.

OP posts:
bwydda · 04/08/2019 22:01

If you are worried that he will hurt your children by involving them then it's more of a reason to step back. You think he's so selfish and cruel as to involve children to help his manipulative ways?

If you really think that- swallow your pride, and contact ex- tell him to take the boys phones and bock your "dp".

More and more he seems like utter filth that doesn't deserve to darken your- and more so- your boys door.

Original poster
Boysbeforeflowers · 04/08/2019 22:08

He's drunk and really annoying and stupid, but he's not someone I'm currently afraid of. He's drunk, so I can see him being petty, which is what I'm trying to avoid. I already told ex yesterday to be aware he might text them, but you never know.

I will talk to him properly when he sobers up and I can be arsed. He's the sulky type (as you might have been able to tell) which somehow didn't bother me until recently? Ah well, you live and learn.

OP posts:
TanMateix · 04/08/2019 22:15

Stay strong, yes, and keep updating of this helps you (although it may be a good idea to start a new thread so people don’t berate you about putting your DP first when you are already putting your kids and yourself first.

ElektraUnchained · 04/08/2019 22:19

Your P is a knob. You are right its often hard to see the wood from the trees when you are in the middle of it. Stay strong and keep him out.

Paddy1234 · 04/08/2019 22:34

Good luck OP
❤️

VikVal · 04/08/2019 22:47

It's easy for people to judge on a forum, all we all know is what OP knows and it's all a point of view, we don't know anyone elses side and nor does the OP who is trying to piece together everything so some people need to calm with their judgemental approach.

To me it sounds like your DC weren't much fond of your DP or perhaps the entire idea of a DP to begin with. The living set up with things being paid for by ex is a minefield for any potential DP to begin with, men are territorial and I can't see many men warming to this setup which could cause conflict from day one.

It's hard to comment on what has been said, I think everyone needs to sit down and talk openly which is no doubt harder with teenagers but facts and the truth need to be found out, I'm not saying disbelieve your DC, but nobody should ever blindly believe either.

Your DP by the sounds of it is not really suited to being involved with someone else's children, it takes a special kind of guy for this role from my personal experience.

I think you need to sit down talk and think long and hard about the reality of the situation. I think you need to somehow work towards breaking away from the financial control your ex has, you need to be independent from him or forget all notions of ANY relationship in the future being long lasting. Your children must come first, but never blindly believe teenagers in my experience it can end very badly, find out the truth. As for your DP, I think you need to talk to him and he needs to be honest with you about his true feelings towards the relationship with you and your DC under th current conditions. Personally, I would end it for everyone's sake, bit again, I don't know the full picture and only you knows what is right for you and your children.

Graphista · 04/08/2019 23:13

He's probably shitting himself that he's losing his nice cushy gravy train!

True colours are coming through

TanMateix · 05/08/2019 02:15

I think you need to sit down talk and think long and hard about the reality of the situation. I think you need to somehow work towards breaking away from the financial control your ex has

The ex has no financial control over her, he has paid for the whole house and put it on her name. She can do as she pleases.

But perhaps you should focus in the cocklodgery, jealousness, and interest of the partner to remove the kids from the house on his work days, when he is living there for free, not contributing to the bills and letting OP pay for everything but 1/4 of the food bill.

Once you consider that, even if the teens were lying, is this the best arrangement the OP should settle for? being with a controlling man until he kicks her self stern out of her so she cannot leave?

Lolyora17 · 05/08/2019 03:04

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Zofloramummy · 05/08/2019 13:50

How are things today @Boysbeforeflowers?

Original poster
Boysbeforeflowers · 05/08/2019 16:29

I asked DCs dad if he could get the boys to open up a bit more about what's going on. DS1 told him that he originally didn't like my partner because he didn't like sports. DC and I do a lot of outdoor sports together, so it bothered him that partner didn't want to do any of those things. DS2 seems to be a bit more 'teenage meh' about the situation as a whole. So this whole thing with the name calling happened because DS1 was annoyed that partner didn't want to watch whatever competition the boys were watching on the telly, and tried to commandeer the remote to put something else on.

Cue DC mad and DS1 commenting "You don't like anything we like", to which partner replied "well if you are going to be a then you'll have to give up the sports soon anyway." DS1 upset, DS2 mad. Neither told me apparently because they didn't want to drama. DS1 said he didn't want me to be upset. Twins can be quite a unit sometimes, no matter how much they claim to be individuals.

So that's why recently they've gone from 'reluctantly tolerant' to 'anti-relationship'. I talked to partner and he confirmed he said this, but that it was a joke which they blew out of proportion. So I asked him why the hell he didn't mention this to me, and the answer was "because you'd side with them over nothing". I told him he has to leave, and he packed, though he wants to talk things over when I've calmed down.

I texted ex to let him know I'd told partner to leave and he replied "I figured" then forwarded me a text partner had sent him. It's very unpleasant and ex is understandably very angry. I told him to just block the number, but i don't see him doing that, so that's where we are now.

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/08/2019 16:34

I'm glad you've got to the truth, and I'm glad you've shown your boys that they're being listened to.

You've done the right thing OP.

ElmoIsMyHero · 05/08/2019 17:12

I very rarely comment on here but I just wanted to say I feel awful for you. Finding out your boys have been spoken to like that, that they kept quiet as they didn't want to upset you, and the realisation that your partner is not the person you'd hoped they were.

I totally agree with a PP, his hatred and jealousy of your ex and the good relationship you have with them has spilled over to your twins and that's awful and unacceptable.

You have done the right thing, don't ever question yourself xxx

ColdAndSad · 05/08/2019 17:21

I told him he has to leave, and he packed, though he wants to talk things over when I've calmed down.

I sincerely hope you never, ever calm down, OP. Your now-ex has treated your children very badly, and you deserve to be angry about that.

It would be a good idea if you have a kind, loving chat with your children when they get back, and tell them you are so sorry they felt they couldn't talk to you about what that man did and said; that you're so glad they told their father; and that you love them, and that will never change.

You might want to ask your children's father if he'll make sure they both block your now-ex on their phones, because they really don't need to read the nonsense he's spouting.

lawnmowingsucks · 05/08/2019 17:36

then forwarded me a text partner had sent him. It's very unpleasant and ex is understandably very angry.

Please have nothing more to do with DP

HE IS VILE AND NOT DEAR AT ALL Angry

IvanaPee · 05/08/2019 17:49

@Boysbeforeflowers wait, is ex angry with you? Because that’s not ok! You didn’t tell ex-dp to text him!

ittakes2 · 05/08/2019 17:57

Just start talking to your partner about your son maybe being gay. Make sure you pause a lot during your sentences especially at the end. Talk as little as possible - people fill in pauses so make sure you pause a lot longer than what you would normally - his true opinion is likely to come out. If he doesn't offer his opinion during your comments ask his what he thinks - you should be able to gauge from his response.

Grumpelstilskin · 05/08/2019 18:10

OP, I am so sorry things have fallen apart so quickly. But it will leave you open to a healthier relationship in future with someone that respects you and your DC, as well as your co-parenting. Hope you will have a good holiday and can recharge.

SinkGirl · 05/08/2019 18:35

OP I want to send you Flowers - it’s very easy for people to say what they are saying. I believe you’ll do right by your kids but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. You remind me so much of my mum - as well as being a single parent and in multiple abusive relationships she had a very traumatic childhood. All she wanted was to be loved by someone and in searching for that she irreparably harmed her relationships with her children, especially my brother and it never recovered before she died.

BumbleBeee69 · 05/08/2019 18:52

your DP sounds utter vile.

Original poster
Boysbeforeflowers · 05/08/2019 18:57

@IvanaPee no, ex is not mad at me. He's mad at former partner, whose vile text I will not repeat on here, but includes things about his wife and daughters.

I don't want to get involved in their dick slinging contest, but I understand why ex is fuming. Funnily enough text says nothing about me directly, which shows how deep his issues with ex turn out to be Hmm.

OP posts:
MsJRMEsq · 05/08/2019 18:58

I would be ending the relationship ASAP. As for moving him into your house, you have been very foolish to risk you and your children's home in this way. If you start another relationship in the future do not let him move into you house.

IvanaPee · 05/08/2019 18:58

Wow, what a nasty bastard.

I’m glad ex isn’t taking it out on you and hard as it is for you, I’m glad you can see his true colours!

SinkGirl · 05/08/2019 19:10

I didn’t get to finish!

My mum was desperate for love that she bounced from one awful relationship to another. She died married to yet another abusive alcoholic piece of shit.

At the end the only people there for her were two of her children. She told me in the hospice that she wished she had realised that she already had love, from us, and hadn’t been so desperate to find it from others.

I have twins and it’s really hard. I’m not sure I could have managed at 17 with twins as a single mum. You’ve done brilliantly, you’re still so young and have so much time ahead of you. Your boys love you, and I know youd never want to do anything to hurt them.

Winterlife · 05/08/2019 19:11

I wouldn't take the comment to DS1 that seriously. I've worked in male dominated professions my entire life, and the way men talk to each other is often in line with that. What would bother me more, and is unacceptable, is that he commandeered the remote when the boys were watching something.

The jealousy of the "ex" is also worrisome, and it won't go away, because that "ex" will always be in your life via your sons.