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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please stop me texting him again

375 replies

PlipPlop7clocks · 01/08/2019 21:13

So I have a bit of an on/off, does he/doesn’t he relationship with a close male friend. I texted him on Tuesday night suggesting we catch up the following day but he never replied. It was a light, breezy, fun message. There is no reason why he shouldn’t have replied.

I’m making all kinds of excuses for him. Maybe he never saw the message. Maybe it never arrived. Maybe he’s upset with me for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t feel the way I thought he felt about me. Maybe he’s trying to tell me to go away without actually saying it.

I’m normally the kind of person that would follow up with another text a few days later but I’m pretty sure this guy knows exactly how I feel about him. He likes having me as an admirer. He likes the ego boost. He likes never having to initiate contact because I always give in and text him first.

So my plan is not to send another message. To just wait.

Please help me stay strong.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 15:38

Have you kissed? Has he ever lead you on in a way that would make you think he wants more?
We haven’t kissed.
He has given me the impression that he’s interested at times. For example, lots of gazing into my eyes and smiling for far longer than decent. He said that the last year has been the happiest he can remember and that’s because of me. He said that he thinks I’m beautiful. He hinted to me that I might be ‘the one’. He said that he didn’t know how to articulate ‘what we have between us’. Basically lots of hinting but without any actual ‘saying it’. But to be fair, I have been exactly the same.

I would be tempted to think that we’re two friends who really fancy each other but are both too scared to say anything for fear of humiliation or rejection. But I think he does know.

One time he accidentally let slip that he thinks I’m one of his ‘admirers’, which I didn’t deny. I just didn’t reply and cringed inside. I later called him out on it and called him a cocky bastard and he found it all amusing.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 15:40

BTW we have only had alcohol together once and that was with lots of other people there but we hugged and it was all quite ‘mmmm’.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/08/2019 15:42

Sorry PlipPlop but you sound utterly deluded.:(

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 15:43

Deluded about what? I’m saying that I think he has led me on. Are you saying he hasn’t?

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 15:45

For example, lots of gazing into my eyes and smiling for far longer than decent. He said that the last year has been the happiest he can remember and that’s because of me. He said that he thinks I’m beautiful. He hinted to me that I might be ‘the one’. He said that he didn’t know how to articulate ‘what we have between us’.
This isn’t the kind of thing that I would say to a male friend unless I was attracted to them. So either he has feelings or, most likely, he’s saying it to prolong the ego boost.

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 03/08/2019 15:49

This sounds like torture for you. Brilliant for him though as you're there whenever he needs a friend on his terms. He knows how you feel about him. He KNOWS and yet he stays in your life.

You have to examine why you are turned on by this 'hope' and uncertainty.

How much time have you wasted having an imaginary relationship in your head. No ''friendship'' is worth this. And this isn't a friendship in my opinion. He's using you for emotions. He's using you as a girlfriend.

31RueCambon · 03/08/2019 15:51

He has definitely led you on. He has allowed you to have hope for years.

A grown up, emotionally mature adult wouldn't be comfortable with you living in hope like that but he has allowed it to continue because it suits him.

31RueCambon · 03/08/2019 15:54

And yes, not replying immediately is his way of creating distance.

If he were actually your boyfriend he'd respond promptly, but by not responding for a few days he is spelling it out (he thinks) that this is not a relationship. He feels (I suspect) that this delay in responding spells it out to you loud and loud, that he doesn't owe you an immediate response.

In your shoes you should definitely give up doing the running. He won't value you if you see him as the prize.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 15:55

Well I’m definitely not going to message him again.

OP posts:
Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 03/08/2019 15:56

You’ve started this thread, so already you’ve started the wheels in motion to realising you’re worth more than this on and off, hot and cold, might be/might not be. If he liked you, you’d know. If it feels like it’s too hard, it is.
Please please please, treat yourself better, and spring clean him from your life. It is time to move on, and I truly believe that when you remove him, and all avenues for him to contact you, from your life, you will suddenly feel lighter and be able to achieve things you never knew you could.

mummmy2017 · 03/08/2019 16:01

Has he ever told you about a partner, boy or girl?

Everafter1 · 03/08/2019 16:02

The only way to find out would be to ask. He's definitely saying the right things, he's giving you hope but not making any moves. You'll naturally cling onto any hope since you like him. Giving you false hope is wrong on so many levels. That's not someone who cares about you.
We don't know him, but can only speculate from what you tells us.

If he's doing that to keep you dangling then he's not a friend. For me it's the fact that he's not responding or initiating. Referring to you as one of his admirers would suggest he knows you fancy him. He also doesn't sound particularly shy.

Does he tell you about people he's seeing? Vice versa?

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 16:06

I know that you’re right and that I’m worth more. He recently passed comment on my Whatsapp profile picture and said he didn’t like it because I looked like I was trying to look intelligent. I wasn’t trying to look intelligent. I am intelligent. And so what if I was?? What’s wrong with intelligent. I think he was negging because it’s actually one of the nicest photos of me ever and maybe he felt threatened by it in some ridiculous way.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 16:06

He has told me about his exes. He’s definitely not gay.

OP posts:
BigSexyCrimeUnit · 03/08/2019 16:10

When a relationship is healthy it really isn't this hard. You deserve better.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 16:10

For me it's the fact that he's not responding or initiating.
He usually responds within anything from immediately or a couple of hours. Occasionally he won’t respond at all - for example this has happened maybe 4 times in the last year but I didn’t necessarily ask a question in those messages. It might have been a ‘Remember when we did xyz...’ or ‘Here’s a photo you might like’.
However, you’re right, he’s not initiating. As I say, we’re normally in contact several times a week but I have tried to get him to initiate contact a couple of times. Once after he went on holiday and once after I did. Both times I didn’t hear from him and eventually caved and texted him or called him.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 16:11

Does he tell you about people he's seeing? Vice versa?
Not current people, no.

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 03/08/2019 16:14

Wow! That is awful.

I think he's using you as a placeholder girlfriend. Ok, without the sex, so that confuses you. But basically he wants you there all the time to support him, prioritise him, make him feel desired. But he gives no thought to how that leaves you stagnating. He is the classic neither in, nor out, but standing in the door way merchant. Nobody else can come in while he hovers there half way in and half way out.

And you haven't up until recently been able to see it!? Obviously you are seeing it now so things are going to change for the better for you soon.

The fact that he's not having sex with you has prevented you from seeing it and I don't blame you. We're all bombarded with warnings and advice about how to avoid situations where we're just used for sex. (If that's not what we want). But he does like your company and your personality and he obviously ''enjoys'' you but he doesn't value you or respect you enough to see you as more than a resource for him to enjoy.

Google articles about placeholder girlfriend. The fact that you two have not actually had sex is irrelevant I think. He has opened up to you emotionally when it has suited him. He has created a dynamic where he can lean on you and confide in you and enjoy your feminine self (if you see what i mean, don't know how else to put it).

And because he has labelled you ''Friends'' then he can ignore all of the boundaries between a friendship and a relationship. They have become blurry and obviously that is confusing. But because he's labelled the relationship 'Friends'' he feels no responsibility for your confusion. This shit will erode your sense of self if you let it.

I had a ''boyfriend'' (of sorts) like this about 4 years ago and it was an absolute headfuck. He said one thing but his behavior and his words were incongruent. He considered himself a real standup guy though.

I eventually cut him off. I made the mistake of telling him though and I regret that. I should have just let it peter out with no explanation. That would have hurt his ego the most.

mummmy2017 · 03/08/2019 16:15

Not gay.
Never kissed you.
Make nasty comments...
Please don't do this to yourself, he thinks your one of his fan club, to boost his ego.
Take this summer off from him, no matter what happened you would never be treated like the love of his life even if he did ask you out, you see your in the friendship zone.
Please go out and find someone who adores you and fights to be with you....xxc

31RueCambon · 03/08/2019 16:20

The way he is communicating a reminder to you that this is all on his terms is to wait days to respond to a normal chatty whatsapp.

If a friend of mine whatsapps me and I'm in the middle of something i often do a thumbsup or a smily face. I don't ignore for days. But then, I wouldn't enjoy that dynamic of somebody wanting more from me than i wanted to give!!

I thought about that towards the end of my relationship with that guy who wouldn't commit four years ago. He wouldn't even call himself my bf! But if I went on a date, he'd ask me about the man and then kind of mock him! Mock the date too. Mock me going on a date. Mock me looking for love. It was all done quite subtly though. I'm glad I carried on dating while I was in a relationship with him though. But the point was, I felt really uncomfortable if I ever had a situation where a man I was acquainted with or friendly with wanted more from me than a friendship. He was really comfortable with that. He liked that dynamic. That did it for him. Didn't make him feel uncomfortable at all. Which when I think about it now is kind of shocking. If somebody likes me more than I like them, I'm concerned for how they'd feel if I inadvertently strung them along.

Everafter1 · 03/08/2019 16:37

The comment on your photo is a bit much. He does sound like he doesn't want you to get attention. Head fk! I wonder if he's like this with other "friends".

Knowing each other so long you don't need to ask a question to get a response, or you shouldn't anyway.

He could be scared to make a move or he could just love the ego boost. I have a suspicion it's the latter.

I would definitely refrain from contacting him. I don't think you should initiate the chat about possibly being more than friends. If he does get in touch & you do speak to him I'd tell him if you're to stay in touch to quit the flirting as it's confusing. If he does have a serious intention I'm sure he'll make you aware. There needs to be no hinting, flirting, leading you on..he would need to be clear.

I think you need to consider walking away from this for your own sanity & find someone who's willing to give what you are. When you do you'll be rolling your eyes when he sporadically appears on your phone. Do not contact him!!

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 17:03

I won’t contact him. I agree he’s a head fuck.

There was a time about 6 months ago when I hinted to him that he was ‘important to me’. He didn’t know what to say and just looked embarrassed. I held my head high and said see you tomorrow (as we were meeting the next day to go to the cinema). When I saw him he apologised and he asked, ‘Did you cry yourself to sleep?’. What??? I laughed at the outrageousness of the suggestion. This was before most of his comments about how much he likes me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 17:08

The fact that he's not having sex with you has prevented you from seeing it and I don't blame you. We're all bombarded with warnings and advice about how to avoid situations where we're just used for sex. (If that's not what we want). But he does like your company and your personality and he obviously ''enjoys'' you but he doesn't value you or respect you enough to see you as more than a resource for him to enjoy.
This makes so much sense.

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mummmy2017 · 03/08/2019 17:19

Do you ever date?
I so want to see you with a great guy.

Trevorwhatever · 03/08/2019 17:24

He recently passed comment on my Whatsapp profile picture and said he didn’t like it because I looked like I was trying to look intelligent. I wasn’t trying to look intelligent This is a horrible comment for anyone to make. Just imagine yourself saying this to a friend who you thought admired you. What would you get out of saying something like that to someone? How do you think that comment would make someone feel. He was clearly negging you. He’s saying he doesn’t think you’re intelligent.

This guy is using you as an emotional crutch to make him feel good about himself. Want another example? - When I saw him he apologised and he asked, ‘Did you cry yourself to sleep? Who the hell says that to someone. He sounds like a dick. One day you’ll look back on this and think ‘why did I ever like that twat?’.

I think your image of him is so clouded by your crush on him that you’re not seeing what he is truly showing you, that he’s not very nice.

I’d give him a wide berth if I were you. Stop texting him. If he misses you he’ll come back by himself. If he doesn’t it’s probably for the best. I hope you find someone much nicer op.