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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please stop me texting him again

375 replies

PlipPlop7clocks · 01/08/2019 21:13

So I have a bit of an on/off, does he/doesn’t he relationship with a close male friend. I texted him on Tuesday night suggesting we catch up the following day but he never replied. It was a light, breezy, fun message. There is no reason why he shouldn’t have replied.

I’m making all kinds of excuses for him. Maybe he never saw the message. Maybe it never arrived. Maybe he’s upset with me for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t feel the way I thought he felt about me. Maybe he’s trying to tell me to go away without actually saying it.

I’m normally the kind of person that would follow up with another text a few days later but I’m pretty sure this guy knows exactly how I feel about him. He likes having me as an admirer. He likes the ego boost. He likes never having to initiate contact because I always give in and text him first.

So my plan is not to send another message. To just wait.

Please help me stay strong.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 03/08/2019 17:27

Did you cry yourself to sleep??!!!
No question, this guy needs no more of your energy. Honestly, he's self assured. Don't enable that with any more compliments. He's non deserving.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 17:45

I’ve just remembered that he said the thing to me about the Whatsapp photo on the same day that he said something really daft that made him look a bit silly. I don’t want to say what he actually said because it’s outing. Maybe he was try to claw back a bit of ground.

He knows that I’m intelligent. He and I do a similar job that you have to be highly skilled for and have a PhD for. If anything, I think he feels slightly threatened that I might be more intelligent than him (I probably am 😉) but I would never try to make anyone feel anything less than my absolute equal. Which everyone is, of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 17:46

I feel uncomfortable dating because my heart is firmly with him. Or it was. I think you have all helped to free it a little!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/08/2019 18:16

I'm saying that you're deluded because you're kidding yourself that he feels the same way as you do. You say that you're two friends who fancy each other. You do, he doesn't. That's why you're upset and I understand that but lying to yourself is only going to hurt you.

You seem so massively invested, in somebody who isn't at all invested in you and you're determined to challenge all comers who say otherwise.

I'm really sorry, I know this hurts but the sooner you see the situation for what it truly is, the sooner you'll be free to move away from this torturer. Friends do not behave like this when they know that the other fancies them and it's not reciprocated.

Everafter1 · 03/08/2019 18:48

Don't date anyone just yet, but don't hold out for him. Take this as the first day of moving on from him. This is a positive time because this for the good of you!

The more time wasted hoping he'll want a relationship is just prolonging the inevitable.

In my experience when you date too soon it just makes you miss the other person more & you'll end up texting him, half undoing all your good work and half regretting it down the line.

This is time for you & when you're ready you can date. The cloud of him will be gone and you'll be able to see potential in other people.

mummmy2017 · 03/08/2019 21:35

Honey your in love with an image inside your head, not the man in real life...
It is a chemical thing, he is not responding to you, not advancing your relationship, but he is holding you back from RL. You need to be logical about this...

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 04/08/2019 17:36

I’m feeling stronger today. Also I have rediscovered a love/hobby that I think he’d have sneered at so it’s quite nice having something that’s mine and that’s also not attached to memories of him.

I do find it bizarre though that I have basically been ghosted by this guy who I have been so close to for so long, whatever the undercurrent of who fancies who.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 04/08/2019 17:56

Oh and I changed my Whatsapp photo back to the one he doesn’t like as a kind of f&@k you. He’ll see it and will know why I have changed it back. It’s a lovely photo.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 04/08/2019 18:47

Good on you...
Love well, is the best revenge.

31RueCambon · 04/08/2019 19:26

Ha! Love it!

31RueCambon · 04/08/2019 19:31

Enjoy your hobbie 👑👍🦸‍💫

PositiveVibez · 04/08/2019 20:05

So glad you have started the process of moving on.

You are an intelligent woman. Can you imagine if your fried or sister/niece etc., was telling you this about a fella they fancied.

You'd tell them nit to touch this wanker with a barge pole!!

He belittles you, he sounds like a patronising twat. He never contacts you.

He's not your best friend and you can bet that if you did have sex with him, you'd never hear from him again.

Just delete his bloody number. He's not into you in a friend way, or any other way.

ChippyPickledEggs · 04/08/2019 20:08

He'll see it and will know why I have changed it back.

PlipPlop, I say this with sympathy and empathy, having been where you are more than once: he doesn't care. Not like you care. So this action is significant to you, but it isn't to him. You have to let go of this, seriously. It means nothing to him if you change your profile picture - he can't even be bothered to text you back! You're still in fantasy land.

JK1773 · 04/08/2019 20:23

OP I had a man do this to me years ago. I absolutely treasured his support. He knew my feelings went deeper and he slyly encouraged that. Late night and early morning texts, thoughtful gifts or suggestions of books/films etc. I really genuinely thought we’d eventually get together. What he ever forgot to mention was that he had a girlfriend. I was absolutely devastated and then very angry indeed how I’d been played. This guy sounds similar. He’s using you, not for sex obviously but as a boost to his own ego and to meet some emotional need in him until he meets someone (if he hasn’t already). His behaviour is cruel. I’d cut him out of your life totally. Friends don’t do this

Sunshineboo · 04/08/2019 20:33

Plip - if you hear from him again - great. The connection means something to him. Even if just friends.

If you don't then you have your answer. The connection doesn't mean anything to him.

Whether he got your message Or not, if he has not heard from you in awhile (maybe two weeks) he will contact you if he wishes to stay in touch.

It's a simple as that

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 04/08/2019 23:53

He belittles you, he sounds like a patronising twat. He never contacts you.
This is true.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 04/08/2019 23:57

It means nothing to him if you change your profile picture - he can't even be bothered to text you back!
You might be right but honestly I don’t think that I meant nothing to him. I think that he really liked me as a person. He said so often enough. I think I was fulfilling an emotional need in him. I don’t think he’s ignoring my message because he can’t be arsed or he has forgotten me. I think he’s ignoring it on purpose to send me the message that nothing is going to happen between us. I know that sounds confused but I think he really does care in some way. I think he thinks this is for the best.

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 05/08/2019 00:31

Just read your thread and know exactly what you're going through. I've been in the exact same situation with someone for 3 years. It's so hard. I haven't gone nc but I haven't dated either as I've not found anyone that measures up.

madeabooboo · 05/08/2019 11:14

Well you are doing better than me. I caved and contacted him and feel shitter than ever. The usual 'I've done nothing wrong it's all in your head' etc etc

madeabooboo · 05/08/2019 11:14

Well you are doing better than me. I caved and contacted him and feel shitter than ever. The usual 'I've done nothing wrong it's all in your head' etc etc

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 14:31

Is that what he replied madeabooboo??
That’s part of the reason why I’m not talking openly about my friendship with my friend because I know he would act like the whole thing was a complete surprise to him yet he has said so much. Never in writing of course! Nothing that I could properly pin on him.

OP posts:
Thornyrose7 · 05/08/2019 15:30

I think that your feelings are deeper than friendship and you are risking getting hurt. I was in your position many moons ago, in love with 'a friend' who toyed with my feelings and treated me terribly. I cringe when I think back. Please turn your back on this 'friendship' as it's causing you heartache and not worth it. Delete and move on.

31RueCambon · 05/08/2019 16:07

I bet he has noticed too. He will have noted that you are now reading the situation through a clearer lens.

ChippyPickledEggs · 05/08/2019 16:46

I didn't mean that you meant nothing to him. I'm sure he does like you and value things about your friendship. I'm saying that when we are really obsessed with someone, small actions seem very significant to us. You need to try to take a step back. Something like changing your profile picture on Whatsapp isn't going to have the same kind of significance for him because he isn't as invested in you as you are in him. You're not able to see the situation clearly.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 05/08/2019 17:46

I still can’t quite believe that he’s just going to let our friendship completely fall by the wayside. I feel like I must have meant so little to him.
But on the plus side, my house is very clean from taking my frustrations out on the dirt!
Now, if only I was getting thinner... 😉

OP posts: