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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please stop me texting him again

375 replies

PlipPlop7clocks · 01/08/2019 21:13

So I have a bit of an on/off, does he/doesn’t he relationship with a close male friend. I texted him on Tuesday night suggesting we catch up the following day but he never replied. It was a light, breezy, fun message. There is no reason why he shouldn’t have replied.

I’m making all kinds of excuses for him. Maybe he never saw the message. Maybe it never arrived. Maybe he’s upset with me for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t feel the way I thought he felt about me. Maybe he’s trying to tell me to go away without actually saying it.

I’m normally the kind of person that would follow up with another text a few days later but I’m pretty sure this guy knows exactly how I feel about him. He likes having me as an admirer. He likes the ego boost. He likes never having to initiate contact because I always give in and text him first.

So my plan is not to send another message. To just wait.

Please help me stay strong.

OP posts:
PlipPlop7clocks · 01/08/2019 22:40

Spotsandstars I have that to try to put myself off him. Because it hurts being attracted to someone who doesn’t seem to feel the same way about me but who also doesn’t want to let me go. I think he likes having me as an ego boost so he gives me just enough hope and attention to keep me hanging on.

OP posts:
RadioSpice · 01/08/2019 22:45

I’m concerned that he’ll just fall by the wayside and not contact me.

Pulling out the good old cliché here but you do know that friendship works both ways, right? If he values your friendship, he won't just let it fade away if you stop contacting him for a bit.

I think he likes having me as an ego boost so he gives me just enough hope and attention to keep me hanging on.

Find your self respect and try to move on. Life is too short to be pining for someone who doesn't reciprocate your affections.

ConfCall · 01/08/2019 22:45

It’s really difficult. Focus on the fact that he’s “toying with” you (your phrase) until someone comes along who genuinely interests him, at which point he will cut or reduce contact with you. That would be painful and embarrassing. At least by severing contact now, you’ll keep your dignity.

Runbikeswim · 01/08/2019 22:47

Why are you obsessing about him? He'll contact you if he likes you as a friend or a lover. If he's so flakey he can't contact a friend god help him (and you)

movingonbackwards · 01/08/2019 22:50

I can totally relate to every single thing you've said on this thread OP. It's hard not knowing how to "play" it when you want it to be more. I don't have any helpful advice about how to not text him other than just don't do it -a PP said your silence says so much more and they're right. If the momentum goes and he doesn't get in touch then he's not right for you. Which is really crap and you'll be hurt but better it's in the long run.

Drogosnextwife · 01/08/2019 22:50

Been there done that. Don't embarrass yourself the way I did. Don't drink any alcohol, delete his number. He will break your heart eventually if you keep running after him.

MrsBobDylan · 01/08/2019 22:53

He is not your friend. He is someone who you fancy who doesn't feel the same way. If he did you would be a couple by now.

At 37 you are wasting time with on someone unobtainable rather than leaving yourself open to finding 'the one'.

chipsandgin · 01/08/2019 23:01

It’s only Thursday! You sent a message two days ago, he might be having a busy week or he’s tied up/distracted by his Dad. Could be anything.

I’ve got messages I haven’t replied to from friends from earlier than Tuesday- I’ve got a lot going on & I’ll reply when I’ve got the headspace to do it (especially if it’s organising something where I need my diary in front of me). Just let him get back to you when he does - I’d see it as a non issue personally. However if you’re wanting more you should just be straight up about it when you do see him, life’s too short for all this tying yourself up in knots & second guessing imo..

CursedDiamond · 01/08/2019 23:18

Going cold turkey on this will be hard. Try changing his name in your contacts to ‘Don’t text’ I found this pretty helpful (I think I actually had it as ‘Don’t...just don’t’). But then you also need to prise yourself out of this. Seeing all the time isn’t going to help. Been there, done that, kinda still there. It’s impossible. Be cruel to yourself to be kind.

flappi · 01/08/2019 23:20

Find some lore people to flirt with . It will be fun .

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 01/08/2019 23:23

I relate and understand
You have to stay strong
If he wants you he will message

RRJR · 01/08/2019 23:34

OP do you watch sex and the city?

There’s an episode where Miranda overhears a group of women making excuses as to why a man hasn’t returned one of the women’s calls. They’re literally clutching at straws coming up with reasons as to why this man hasn’t been in contact when there’s only one reason...

He’s just not that into you

You are that woman.
This man isn’t your best friend. He doesn’t wanna be with you, he doesn’t make the effort to contact you, he doesn’t care about you. He hasn’t been kidnapped, he isn’t that busy, yes his dad might be ill but he’d still find the time to message you if he truly wanted to.

Please stop making excuses
There’s only one reason why he hasn’t replied - because he just doesn’t want to

Move on.

TheStuffedPenguin · 01/08/2019 23:40

'I have just had a read through my little notebook in which I listed all the things that I dislike about him and that has helped. '

wtaf Grin

Intheheat · 01/08/2019 23:44

Yes you need to move on. If he was interested he would be making more effort to see you regardless of what other things are going on in his life. If a man wants a woman he chases. It's a cliche but true. Remaining silent is the best message to give him - very difficult but you will feel so much more in control and better for it. X

EAIOU · 01/08/2019 23:53

OP you sound like his plan b.

SomeAfternoonDelight · 01/08/2019 23:57

You need to get this guy out of your head. Re-read what you’ve said, OP this is going to sound brutal but you sound totally obsessed with the man! And this in itself will never ever ever lead to a relationship because of how you feel about him! Seriously!

AgentJohnson · 02/08/2019 00:29

Oh dear Go! This man isn’t your friend, let alone your best friend. ‘Best friend’ is just a label you’ve attached to your entanglement to excuse your desperation.

He’s not that into you. Being his on call ego massage is a choice, just not a particular healthy one.

Everafter1 · 02/08/2019 00:40

he gives me just enough hope and attention to keep me hanging on.
Case & point. You know where you stand. I've been there. Do not text him again! He hasn't bothered to reply, so why should you? Delete his number.

He has you exactly where he wants you & he knows the cycle. When he feels like he needs an ego boost he'll get in touch because he knows you'll oblige.
Break the cycle. Don't be that girl. Know your worth.

When a guy wants you, they go for it. You deserve to be someone's first choice.
The fact you have a list of the problems says it all. You know you need reminding of why you should stay away you just need to apply staying away. That includes if he contacts you, which he will because that's what his type are like.

AlunWynsKnee · 02/08/2019 00:49

if I don’t contact him then the momentum of what we do have will die
The momentum is yours. He doesn't feel it. You can't make him feel what you do.
Flowers

Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 03:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FuriousVexation · 02/08/2019 04:40

Have you/do you ever have sex with him OP?

PurpleDevereaux · 02/08/2019 05:32

Hi OP, I totally get it. You kinda know it would be best not to text again just now but you want to and that internal conflict wrecks your head and leaves you obsessing about it.

I would say text. Text as often as you want to and let it all out, how you feel and the frustration, doubt, roller coaster emotion. Address your words to him ONLY DO NOT SEND IT TO HIM.

Write it out, exactly what you want to say and when you feel compelled to do so even if one text is a total rant for ignoring you and the next one thirty minutes later is an outpouring of dramatic emotion detailing how you feel about him. Write it and send it to your own number, trust me, it helps.

Second thing is do not set yourself a nigh on impossible goal like never texting again (unless he texts you). Most people in your position (ie with the feelings / vested interest) can't stick to that and because it is so unattainable it's easier to break by justifying it to yourself "I am obviously going to text him at some point again in my life so I might as well do it now".

Whereas if you say you are going to wait a week / two a month then although it's still hard there is an end in sight so you will push on through those last few days or weeks and even maybe go a little bit further.

In the meantime you are still texting, you are talking to "him", you have an outlet but he doesn't receive them, you do. At some point in the future you will read back through those texts and either smile because he is sat next to you on the sofa as your partner, laugh because you have remained good friends but you totally got over your crush or inwardly cringe as you cannot believe how invested you were in this person and now you are with someone else who makes you wonder what you ever saw in the original dude. Who knows.

I apologise for the very long message, I have a bit of insomnia and also totally relate to what you are going through. You don't really give enough information about why you think he knows you fancy him and how he is leading you on as opposed to just being
a mate. What I would say though is, men are funny creatures (as are women but perhaps not in the same way). No-one can examine someone else's actions, and say for sure "He's just not that into you" because people don't all fit into convenient little behaviour boxes despite what the online "dating coaches" (not sure when that became an actual job, I assume shortly before "blogger" appeared as a career choice) would have you believe.

Are there trends in behaviour? Sure, but I think some people miss the point when using the "He's Just Not That Into You" movie to back up the whole WALK AWAY / SAVE YOUR DIGNITY / I WOULD NEVER PUT UP WITH THAT SORT OF BEHAVIOUR argument. The Justin Long character spends most of the film detailing exactly why certain male behaviour means that they are "not that into" Gigi and goes down the typical road of labelling her "needy" and telling her that her behaviour is scaring men away, she shouldn't call them or demonstrate any interest yet she proactively calls him all the way through. She even demonstrates interest in him which he rejects pointing out that the signs were not there from him.

Yet the conclusion of this is that it's not really right is it? The rules and the assumptions and the whole "women who call a man first or let him know that they are interested and worry about these things far too much early on are crazy / needy / bunny boilers" is not the real point or enduring message of the film. Cos they all go out the window don't they when he blinking falls in love with her WITH FULL AWARENESS of her "crazy". There are no rules here just what appears to be yet another way to blame women and excuse men for poor behaviour 😂

Most of the well meaning friends who have given me that sort of advice in the past are either married / in long term relationships and haven't actually had to go on a date with someone new since somewhere around the turn of the millennium. Otherwise they are resolutely single / can take it or leave it rather than immersed in today's highly disposable and often disappointing dating world.

So in somewhat long winded conclusion, don't beat yourself up for wanting to text this guy, it doesn't make you weak or stupid. A lot of us have been there. Several times. We may very well be intelligent, confident women with high self worth in terms of career / academic achievements, yet that does not automatically qualify us to correctly read the behaviour or intentions of someone who we are emotionally invested in.

Final thought (I promise, for the benefit of anyone who has got this far and is still remotely interested ). While I think it's totally legit to keep an open mind, continue friendship while being aware that you want something more and essentially not give up hope without classing yourself a loser AT THIS STAGE, you do also need to acknowledge that this can't go on forever.

Sure, make it easier on yourself by writing your true feelings in texts he will never get while keeping your real life interactions with him on a different and more responsive level. See if you can move it forward at the right time, some guys just need a push in the right direction. HOWEVER, if he is clearly not returning feelings further down the road you have to think about moving on. Start looking to date other people, quietly break the non friendship based emotional ties.

I have a female friend a little older than you who has a crush on a mutual male friend. She told him how she felt when she was drunk at a party last year and they kissed. Snogged like teenagers would be a more accurate description but you get the drift. That was March. Of 2018. Almost EIGHTEEN MONTHS ago. Nothing further of an intimate nature has happened since then and while they hang out together he clearly does not want either a serious relationship or a casual fling with her. If he did, it would've happened by now. He makes jokes when she is not there about how if doesn't have any success at dating he "will just have to end up marrying Josephine".

That's not her real name by the way but the point is that although right now you are far away from that make sure it doesn't happen. Don't be THAT girl. Don't become Josephine, god love her 😀

That was a pretty long final thought.

As Muriel / Mariel of 'Muriel's Wedding' said to her hot but ultimately completely incompatible husband as she was leaving him, "good luck in the games" x

NameChangeNugget · 02/08/2019 10:29

He’s really not bothered. You’re back up girl at best

MummyOfTwo92 · 02/08/2019 10:35

@PlipPlop7clocks this has happened to me.
He wasn't really my friend I was just the girl he could keep hanging on and return to when it didn't work out with others.

Delete, block and move on.

PlipPlop7clocks · 02/08/2019 15:18

No we haven’t slept together.

OP posts: