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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please stop me texting him again

375 replies

PlipPlop7clocks · 01/08/2019 21:13

So I have a bit of an on/off, does he/doesn’t he relationship with a close male friend. I texted him on Tuesday night suggesting we catch up the following day but he never replied. It was a light, breezy, fun message. There is no reason why he shouldn’t have replied.

I’m making all kinds of excuses for him. Maybe he never saw the message. Maybe it never arrived. Maybe he’s upset with me for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t feel the way I thought he felt about me. Maybe he’s trying to tell me to go away without actually saying it.

I’m normally the kind of person that would follow up with another text a few days later but I’m pretty sure this guy knows exactly how I feel about him. He likes having me as an admirer. He likes the ego boost. He likes never having to initiate contact because I always give in and text him first.

So my plan is not to send another message. To just wait.

Please help me stay strong.

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 02/08/2019 15:33

First you need to know what you would put up with. I understand you want to be a couple but would you ok if you were just friends?
Then I would be straight with him, you may think he knows but sometimes ppl are unsure especially with good friends where an incorrect assumption can mean the end of the friendship
If it works out brilliant, and if not then atleast you wont have an if only in future years

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 02/08/2019 16:00

I feel like I have too much to lose if I tell him how I feel about him. I think he’d find it awkward if he didn’t feel the same way about me and say we have to stop being friends.

OP posts:
nutellalove · 02/08/2019 17:13

Interesting that I've come across this thread cos I am in the same boat. If I were you I'd tell him. It doesn't have to be some dramatic love confession more like 'have you ever thought there was anything more than friendship between us'. That way you can move forward either way. It would be difficult to sustain this friendship otherwise with your feelings IMO

Everafter1 · 02/08/2019 17:15

Plip - he probably already knows

Cinammoncake · 02/08/2019 17:25

Look at it this way - if it was a female friend would you be angsty over the non reply? Probably you'd think it a bit rude. You might ask if the dad was okay. That's all the thought you'd give it.
Treat him as you would a female friend

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2019 18:50

Oh my gosh PlipPlop, you're on a hiding to nothing. I think that deep down, you know that. You're not for him, he doesn't want you in the way that you want him - or even at all.

He's not your friend either. I winced at reading all your posts - and you referring to him as 'probably your best friend'. He's not any kind of friend. He's toying with your affections (your words). What sort of friend does that?

If you text him, you'll be pining for an answer and if and when it comes, it won't feed your need and you'll feel worse. So much better if you can take PPs advice and just tell yourself that you deserve better. This is not any sort of friendship never mind the basis for a relationship, sorry. I know it's hurtful to read these posts.

There is better our there for you, just not whilst you're hankering after this one.

Ginger1982 · 02/08/2019 19:26

37?? You need to lay your cards on the table and be prepared to accept what his reaction is or start distancing yourself now. You could be missing out on so many amazing guys because you're pining over this idiot.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 02/08/2019 20:21

I do understand what you’re all saying but I haven’t felt this kind of connection with a guy since I was 22 so I’m reluctant to just ditch him and move on.

OP posts:
madeabooboo · 02/08/2019 20:24

Going through similar

It's as hard as shit. I'm not like this in any other area of life. So happy to tell people to F off usually and never pay them a minute of my time. But this is different and quite different.

This is day one of the 30 days no contact rule. He's an asshole but a bloody magnetic one

wichitalinemanswoman · 02/08/2019 20:26

You are over thinking this. If he was a good friend you wouldn't be doubting it so time to accept he's not.

LuckyLou7 · 02/08/2019 20:32

He's not any kind of friend, let alone a best friend.
Get yourself on a dating site, flirt with lots of different guys, distract yourself with other people.
Just because you feel a connection with this man, it doesn't mean this is reciprocated. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend, you'd know about it.

DianaT1969 · 02/08/2019 20:35

Does he date other women?
If he doesn't, what reason does he give?

OpheliaTodd · 02/08/2019 20:36

He’s playing you. Nice friend.

movingonbackwards · 02/08/2019 20:40

Honestly OP I can totally understand what you're saying and I think a lot of people on this thread get it too. You're holding on to something because you have a connection and you're scared to let it go and have nothing but it doesn't sound like he's right for you. If I followed my own advice my life would be easier- trust me I know it isn't easy. You CAN move on and you deserve someone who goes out of their way to prove you mean something to them.

Ginger1982 · 02/08/2019 20:51

So tell him how you feel! Stop wasting time!

hadthesnip2 · 02/08/2019 20:59

He's not interested OP, otherwise he would have made a move on you. No bloke who's interests in a women goes that long without initiating sex. Time to move in.

sunsetoverwindmills · 02/08/2019 21:55

I'm just reading a book called three women, and this section in the prologue made me think of you, and me, and so many others.

Please stop me texting him again
Everafter1 · 02/08/2019 22:30

It's hard to let go when you feel a connection but for anything to come of it, it needs to be reciprocated.
It's unfair he's been keeping you dangling.
You have to think if you really wanted to be with someone, would you go about it all the way he does? Would you ignore them if they contact you? Would you act in a way that would jeopardise the situation?
Guys generally go for it or they know they'll miss out. They know someone else will see what they see and steal the girl away. They get scared to lose her. He doesn't seem to feel that way.
I think you need to stop wasting your time on him and be open to a man who won't make you question it all. You deserve at least that.
If you really need to, put your cards on the table and be honest with him. If not do your best to move on from this, it would be very difficult to maintain a friendship with someone you want to have more with. It also wouldn't be fair on any future partners.

RonnieScotts · 02/08/2019 22:46

I do understand what you’re all saying but I haven’t felt this kind of connection with a guy since I was 22

He doesn't feel the same

You can sell it to yourself as an amazing connection and wonderful friendship, it's all a lie. Because he doesn't feel it, it's all in your own head.

He would've jumped your bones a very long time ago if he did. He knows your a sure thing, a sure thing he doesn't want.

Stop it OP. Your mr right is waiting for you and it's not this guy, stop wasting valuable time on him.

Abouttoblow · 02/08/2019 23:10

You're on the subs bench. He's keeping his options open. And I'm genuinely sorry to say this but he's not that into you.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 02/08/2019 23:12

You’re all right. I know you are. It just hurts massively.

I don’t know why I’m not enough for him. He has told me that he thinks I’m beautiful, how much he likes me. Clearly not enough to even reply to a text. That says it all really.

OP posts:
Butterfly1066 · 02/08/2019 23:15

It's a horrific feeling
I have had to give people my phone before to stop texting
You have my sympathies but it will pass
Don't message him 😊

RonnieScotts · 02/08/2019 23:16

He's not enough for you....he is someone who is happy to string a good person along, give you enough compliments to keep you interested but ignore your texts so make sure you know your place.

He's rubbish, emotionally immature.....and you deserve someone so much better.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 02/08/2019 23:21

I’m not going to message him again but what if he actually never got the message or if he has a crisis going on.

Do you think there’s a high chance that I will never hear from him again?

OP posts:
Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 02/08/2019 23:22

How old is he and what was his past relationships like? Does he have children. Do you?

Have you met his other friends and family?