Please stop me texting him again

[PlipPlop7clocks]

So I have a bit of an on/off, does he/doesn’t he relationship with a close male friend. I texted him on Tuesday night suggesting we catch up the following day but he never replied. It was a light, breezy, fun message. There is no reason why he shouldn’t have replied.

I’m making all kinds of excuses for him. Maybe he never saw the message. Maybe it never arrived. Maybe he’s upset with me for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t feel the way I thought he felt about me. Maybe he’s trying to tell me to go away without actually saying it.

I’m normally the kind of person that would follow up with another text a few days later but I’m pretty sure this guy knows exactly how I feel about him. He likes having me as an admirer. He likes the ego boost. He likes never having to initiate contact because I always give in and text him first.

So my plan is not to send another message. To just wait.

Please help me stay strong.

Oh for heaven's sake, of course OP isn't stalking him. That's ridiculous and a really cruel thing to say. She's holding out hope of a relationship that isn't there. She has sent a message that hasn't been replied to and hasn't contacted him since! He hasn't ever told her not to contact him. She is harming no one except herself. Stalking is a crime that terrifies its victim!!

Thank you ChippyPickledEggs

just bite the bullet & tell him how you feel, what's the worst that would happen?

Tell him how you feel. There is dignity in doing that.

You're not stalking anybody PlipPlop. Do not listen to people who want to attack you.

It's an option, you know, to do what Vesperia and NoTheresa have suggested. It would bring things to a head one way or the other. Although I think if he wanted a relationship you would already know this, and so you are unlikely to get what you want, I do think an outright rejection will be easier for you to deal with than this no mans land with its bit of hope forever out of reach.

PlipPlop7clocks

He once told me that he was aggressively pursued by a series of women and men who he worked with. There’s no way that I want to give him the satisfaction that I’m another person he can add to that list.

Please read back through what you have posted.
You fantasized about his face and body.
Have a book about his good and bad points.
Were worried if you didn't call or text he would lose contact.
I really do think your so much better now.
Please don't lay yourself open to him again, he is not good for you, he does not have your best interests at heart, your just an ego boost to him.

You’re right that he’s not good for me. I don’t think that it’s supposed to hurt like this. I don’t think I should feel emotionally derailed after I see him. Although these last few weeks have been tough, they have also been strangely calm.

He lives in a different city to me. Chances are that our paths will never cross again. If I put my mind to it I could try to forget him.

My first proper boyfriend really broke my heart and I buried that grief because I was scared it would pull me under. In retrospect I wish that I had worked through it and felt it rather than hiding my feelings from myself.

I don’t want to make the same mistake again. I never kissed or had sex with this friend but we had a closeness that I am grieving. I don’t really know how to handle that in a non-destructive way.

There’s no way that I want to give him the satisfaction that I’m another person he can add to that list. Thanks for the reminder.

You sound amazing plip. I'm really rooting for you. Put all that strength back inside you. All the best.

Thank you Azzizam.

Do you feel like you are "free" from the waiting tonhear from him yet??

No not yet. One time on the phone he made reference to how we speak to each other every few weeks. I didn’t correct him but it was totally untrue as we were speaking at least weekly and texting every 2-3 days. So part of me thinks that he has no sense of time and will not notice until around now. I think that I will still be expecting to hear from him for another few weeks.

Also I mentioned before about his Dad being ill. This is stressing me out because I’m a nice person and I feel like I have abandoned him in a possible time of need. My head tells me that’s nonsense.

I’m sure I mentioned it upthread that this episode has triggered some emotional eating. I have gained a lot of weight in the last month. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to stop caring about him. Today has been particularly hard for some reason.

Plipplop he gave you attention, and he is in a way a con artist.
He knew what he was doing, you have said so many small things he did, it was a form of love bombing to bind you to him, but without a real relationship, he is disposable.

It's a cliché I wouldn't normally use but you are so much stronger than you think.

I was in a similar situation in my 20’s. It didn’t end well...You still have your dignity though. Right now he thinks you like him but he can’t be 100% sure.

I honestly think he will contact you. From experience it will probably be when you just start thinking about him less/feel like life will be ok without him in it. That will be the hardest part- not getting sucked back in to the cycle. It will feel great for a short time and then it will feel like shit. And your back to square one again.

I think you have two options:tell him how you feel once and for all (that’s what I did) If he rejects you- clean break and ask him not to contact you. Or get to a place where you can accept that you will never be more than friends/casual acquaintances. This may involve a lot of detachment and take a long period of no contact. Think about how you would feel if he was in a relationship. Also be prepared for him to play with you if you do make it clear how you feel- sexting, kissing, casual sex but without any commitment to you.

In my case I just got fed up of giving him the ego boost and called him out on it. He feigned innocence said he hoped he hadn’t led me on but ultimately didn’t care about my feelings. I said I’d never contact him again (I didn’t) and he didn’t either.

I’m not great at giving relationship advice but be kind to yourself. Acknowledge your feelings. Allow yourself 20 mins per day to think about him, be angry. Keep busy.

If he contacts you post on mumsnet to give perspective before you text back.

Take care OP .

I’m in a very similar situation to you and have stopped speaking to a “friend” that I liked as more than a friend. I had managed 7 weeks of no contact until he remembered I existed and text again 2 days ago.
I ended up replying, which he ignored, and I feel all those weeks were wasted. I was so much happier without the constant does he doesn’t he like me game and now realise he is not who I thought he was.

So basically from my experience stay strong, don’t let him back in and just look after yourself.

Be busy, write lists to keep yourself busy, ask family and friends if they need help. Doing other things can give some respite from the willing that things had worked out. It is true that time is a healer, but you need to do other things to move on.

Oh fgs OP

I mean this kindly but I cannot believe you’re still giving this man so much head space

Yes you are obsessed with him. Stop thinking about him and his problems. Stop waiting for a reply.

You are clearly still waiting and hoping.

He saw you as someone he’d chat to on a regular basis, that is all. You see him very differently

I have male friends I talk to on a regular basis. But it hasn’t upset me when we’ve gone a while without contact. The difference is.. I’m not in love with my friend! You are

You keep posting “he still hasn’t contacted me”... why are you even waiting for him to?! He has no obligation to message you. He isn’t your boyfriend, he doesn’t owe you contact,

I think you need counselling. You seem to have relied on his contact to be happy.

Hi OP, go to counselling. What you are attached to in this relationship is what this man represents to you in your unconscious mind. That has added this fantasy layer where you are in denial of the reality and you are relating to a projection of this man not the man himself. Thats why no matter what anyone says, you return to the fixed belief in your head that he is secretly in love with you. He is like the absentee and unreliable Dad a daughter longs for. She is in denial about his empty promises.
There is something about early loss in your life, then the past ruptured relationship with your Ex boyfriend has re exposed you to that hurt.
If you want to tolerate real relationships in the future, some psychodynamic or attachment based counselling might really help.

Yep, definitely go to counselling, this is not a typical response to this situation. You need help to unravel it.

Listen to some thomas hall hypnosis on youtube OP
I found them very helpful recovering from the not quite a breakup breakup (which is not less difficult than a breakup!! Some posters dont umderstand that the relationship still existed even if he didnt properly acknowledge it).

Around this time i listened to a lot of thomas hall overnight posotive affirmations overnight (while i slept)
The effect is temporary but it is real! There are definitely sessions about not over eating. Sessions to feel less anxious, more confident,more motivated, less angry... you name it!!

Soooo. How was work?

How are you op

How are you OP?
I hope he has left you alone.