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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please stop me texting him again

375 replies

PlipPlop7clocks · 01/08/2019 21:13

So I have a bit of an on/off, does he/doesn’t he relationship with a close male friend. I texted him on Tuesday night suggesting we catch up the following day but he never replied. It was a light, breezy, fun message. There is no reason why he shouldn’t have replied.

I’m making all kinds of excuses for him. Maybe he never saw the message. Maybe it never arrived. Maybe he’s upset with me for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t feel the way I thought he felt about me. Maybe he’s trying to tell me to go away without actually saying it.

I’m normally the kind of person that would follow up with another text a few days later but I’m pretty sure this guy knows exactly how I feel about him. He likes having me as an admirer. He likes the ego boost. He likes never having to initiate contact because I always give in and text him first.

So my plan is not to send another message. To just wait.

Please help me stay strong.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 02/08/2019 23:23

Stop making excuses for his behaviour!

Secondsight · 02/08/2019 23:27

Leave it and I bet you'll be posting on here how he did text you..... He has Yr number and if he didn't get Yr text he will text at some point if he likes you if not move on.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 02/08/2019 23:28

For context, we’re normally in touch with each other every 2-3 days by text or chatting on the phone and we meet up about every 6-8 weeks.

OP posts:
WashPosh · 02/08/2019 23:31

He got your message and he has other things that take priority to the reply. If a man fancies you, literally nothing can stop him from asking you out and trying very hard to get to the point of fabulous sex. Men are not scared of ruining friendships.

He sounds like a man who would heartily recommend you to a friend of his as a blind date. It’s not hurtful - the way you don’t fancy every man who wants you, nor does he. The “connection” is in your head. Grit your teeth and try to forget him.

Think of lovely new men you can meet and flirt with. A man who is utterly straightforwardly attracted to you and treats you, correctly, as the most important and incredible woman in his life.

That is what you are waving goodbye to as you pine over some bloke that can’t be arsed to reply to a text message. You have a load of loved up fabulousness to look forward to and it ain’t with this guy.

Rumours0fAHurricane · 02/08/2019 23:47

As I'd say to my 20 year old daughter, 'don't be silly now.'

Everafter1 · 03/08/2019 00:19

He's got the message. Don't let that get into your thoughts.
Even if he didn't get the message or you hadn't contacted him at all, if there's a romantic connection on both ends I'm pretty sure you would've heard from him by now.
There's nothing stopping him from contacting you & initiating things.
If you never hear from him again then ifs not as meaningful to him & you move on. It will get you down for a while but you'll recover. It's not right you have to make all the effort.
I think you do need clarity, either you take control and decide this is not good for you or you ask him outright but you have to be prepared.

Everafter1 · 03/08/2019 00:24

To add to previous you stated at the start that when you see him you go off the rails emotionally. That's because this is really unfulfilling for you. It must be horrible. I wonder of he's going about his business unaffected?

With his dad being unwell, we tend to lean on those who give us comfort in those times. If he's not turning to you I wouldn't pursue it.

I'm glad you haven't been intimate, it would make you worse.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 03/08/2019 03:16

For context, we’re normally in touch with each other every 2-3 days by text or chatting on the phone

Is that contact usually initiated by you? If so, you may not hear from him again. Or he may send a half hearted message if he has an ounce of decency. But in any case, he doesn’t deserve you! Honestly, time spent on him could be time spent with a man who really adores you and doesn’t leave you questioning his feelings for you. Give yourself the opportunity to meet someone new, one day you’ll look back and wonder why you gave this bloke the time of day.

Alicewond · 03/08/2019 03:24

It does sound like he’d be better off without you, and you without him.

RonnieScotts · 03/08/2019 07:14

Yes he will text you again, and act as if nothings changed, try to reel you in etc, he needs this ego boost.

That's when your true test will be, at that time you'll need to be strong so you don't get sucked back in to the illusion.

Jupiter13 · 03/08/2019 07:26

Meet up every 6-8 weeks.. does he live far away.

mummmy2017 · 03/08/2019 07:30

Plop your his friend, nothing else.
Stop texting so quickly.
You need to see if he will chase you.
If he makes any effort at all.
Only then will you know if he cares at all.

WeAreStardustWeAreGolden · 03/08/2019 07:38

You are the only one pursuing this relationship. Stop and think about this. You initiate, he doesn't. Don't make excuses for why he doesn't contact you. Whether he got the message or not (which he did by the way), there is nothing stopping him getting in touch. Don't prolong your agony. Just move on. Thanks

RadioSpice · 03/08/2019 07:42

I don’t know why I’m not enough for him

This doesn't have anything to do with being 'enough'. You can be the world's kindest, most beautiful, most intelligent, most charismatic person and if someone doesn't have feelings for you, there's nothing you can do about it.

HerkyBaby · 03/08/2019 07:50

Change his name on your phone to something more appropriate like wasting my young years / I will never marry you/ he’s looking for someone better and that should stop you from either ringing him or answering calls

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 08:54

Is that contact usually initiated by you? If so, you may not hear from him again.
Yes I think I tend to initiate the texts or emails. We have fallen into a routine that I text him and then he will often phone me for a chat. The last 4 times we have met up it has been at his suggestion.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 08:55

It does sound like he’d be better off without you why?

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 03/08/2019 08:57

does he live far away
Not that far away but we both have busy jobs. We see each other more than our other friends.

OP posts:
Pinkarsedfly · 03/08/2019 09:09

His reply to your concerns about the level of contact you have gave me chills.

He sounds like the pompous wanker I used to be married to. If someone cares about you, and you are upset, they fall over themselves to reassure you - they don’t point out all the ways you are wrong to be upset.

Move on.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/08/2019 09:27

PlipPlop, you are clutching those straws so hard I can see your knuckles turning white.

You have two choices here - and only two. You can:

a) Carry on as you are, navel-gazing, waiting for him to respond to your desperate-for-contact texts and, if you do ever get one, dine out on that and clutch it to your heart until the next one.

In that scenario you will waste your life and your self-esteem whilst he carries on with his own life - without you - just chucking you a crumb now and again to keep you on the hook. It makes him feel good to have somebody acting like a 'groupie' because he's that sort of man. You've dressed him up in your head as something entirely different but he's nowhere near that.

I expect he'll pat you on the head when he meets somebody he does want to have a proper relationship with and perhaps he'll invite you to his wedding? Maybe...

or

b) Dust yourself down and realise what has been happening. Take some time to get over him and re-set your tolerance bar and then set out to find somebody who is interested in being with you.

Whatever the outcome, when you find somebody who is genuinely committed to you then you won't feel alone. Because they're there with you, good times and bad and everything in between.

What you can't have, is '(ab). Wise up and take control before you really hurt yourself with this player. Thanks

b)

LadyBrienneofTarth · 03/08/2019 09:31

@PlipPlop7clocks
"I’m worried that if I don’t contact him then the momentum of what we do have will die. I’m concerned that he’ll just fall by the wayside and not contact me."

If this is the case he is not a friend - I feel for you but you really need to see this for what it truly is - if he wanted you as a girlfriend/partner, and you didn't contact him, he would contact you.

You need to see this realistically and walk away

OpheliaTodd · 03/08/2019 10:31

If a man wants you he’ll make it crystal clear. Decent men don’t play games.

Puddington · 03/08/2019 13:11

Good god I could have written parts of your posts almost word for word OP, it's a little scary... I KNOW the guy in my situation is no good for me but I find myself making all sorts of excuses even though I know at this point they're just excuses... he is genuinely going through "some stuff" and works very long hours but nevertheless I know if he wanted to make time for me he would be able to; we talk daily and have done for about a year and we've been on dates and slept together and everything and he actually HAS said he feels the same way albeit not quite as strongly as I do, clearly and yet it's like pulling teeth trying to get him to meet up, I haven't seen him in over a month. And I honestly, honestly have no idea why (he was going through a big stressful thing at work and communicated consistently with me about that but honestly... even one afternoon? am I being unreasonable?), considering how often he protests he doesn't want to lose me and it's nothing I've done and blah blah blah.

I've been telling myself maybe he'll magically see the light and realise he'd be losing a good thing and frankly he probably will (I know this sounds pathetic but I also felt that we had such a "connection" and I honestly liked him in a way I'd never really liked anyone before, I'm late 20s with several LTRs behind me) but most likely not for years! I'm sure everyone reading this will think I'm a total moron but it's just hard to let go of someone you spoke to for so long and had hope things would work out (I know that's basically the definition of the sunken cost fallacy but ah, it's a doozy when you're in it!). I've actually tried once or twice to give him ultimatums but we just sort of end up falling back in contact... I've been on a few dates with other people during this time since after all we weren't official despite my best efforts lol but I think I was still so focused on him and how I did honestly "click" well with him when we first met that I've just ended up sabotaging other dates in my head, I don't know.

I'm sorry for hijacking your post to make it about me! As I said I'm sure for people on the outside looking in it looks quite straightforward, and even I know the only way I'm going to be able to start moving on from this is to cut all contact for good and actually follow through with an ultimatum, but it's just very hard. The fact is that if he wanted to reply to you he would and sending more messages won't change that (it's something I've done a few times and it's a hard habit to break, but stay strong!). You do deserve better but the first few days/weeks of no contact are the hardest. I've also had that exact worry before of "if I don't contact him I might never hear from him again" and while it hasn't ended up happening thus far, I think that if the guy in your situation did that it would show that he isn't even a bare-minimum very good friend, and you certainly deserve better than THAT. Hope you're doing ok OP I do understand the feeling of tying yourself in knots over something even though the "solution" looks very clear to other people, and maybe even to yourself if you can admit it.

Flowers
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/08/2019 14:52

Puddington, I had a boyfriend that I was very in thrall to (goodness knows why, with hindsight). He treated me really badly, kept going out of contact then turning up again when he thought I was drawing away from him. My friends were telling me all of the above from PP and I just didn't want to hear it.

He kept this up for two years and I put up with it. He finally finished the relationship and I was bereft. Not because I'd lost something (other than myself) but because he'd insinuated himself so much into my life. After a month or so I was back to myself. He rang as if nothing had happened. I'm so grateful that I had enough of myself back to tell him to never contact me again.

Sometimes, ripping the plaster off hurts less. I would say it always does but we're not all the same.

Everafter1 · 03/08/2019 15:20

Plip - he knows you're there, he knows you exist, chances are he knows you want more. On your initial post it said "on/off relationship" but you haven't slept together. Have you kissed? Has he ever lead you on in a way that would make you think he wants more?

Not replying to you & avoiding initiating contact could be his way of gently creating distance.

He's not trying to make any more of this.