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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please stop me texting him again

375 replies

PlipPlop7clocks · 01/08/2019 21:13

So I have a bit of an on/off, does he/doesn’t he relationship with a close male friend. I texted him on Tuesday night suggesting we catch up the following day but he never replied. It was a light, breezy, fun message. There is no reason why he shouldn’t have replied.

I’m making all kinds of excuses for him. Maybe he never saw the message. Maybe it never arrived. Maybe he’s upset with me for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t feel the way I thought he felt about me. Maybe he’s trying to tell me to go away without actually saying it.

I’m normally the kind of person that would follow up with another text a few days later but I’m pretty sure this guy knows exactly how I feel about him. He likes having me as an admirer. He likes the ego boost. He likes never having to initiate contact because I always give in and text him first.

So my plan is not to send another message. To just wait.

Please help me stay strong.

OP posts:
matahairyy · 10/08/2019 20:46

Well done !!

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 10/08/2019 22:52

Thank you.

Another day apart from him. Another day stronger and more free.

OP posts:
Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 11/08/2019 06:30

Well done Pip. I know it's hard. They will be times your mind wanders but bring it back into reality.

He doesn't care. There are no excuses. This is everything to do with how he is and nothing to do with you.

Cakeandcustard123 · 12/08/2019 15:51

I think this falls into the "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" category OP. You just aren't that important to him, and whilst that hurts to realise, you're doing the right thing by moving on. Well done for not texting him x

31RueCambon · 12/08/2019 16:41

Another day stronger 👍👊👑

crimsonlake · 12/08/2019 17:34

Having read all this thread and your update you are going around in circles. I do not mean to offend but you are a 37 year old woman coming across as a teenager.
How many times do you need to be told that he is ' just not in to you.'
If he was you would have been dating long ago. Stop over analysing everything and making up excuses,delete him and move on with your life you are your wasting time. I think it is highly likely he has met someone new and is too busy with his love life to give you a thought. You need to do the same. Good luck.

pictish · 12/08/2019 19:44

Stick to the basic principle that if you have to chase, it’s not a goer. The right person for you will initiate contact as well as respond to yours.
Someone who isn’t arsed won’t.
Don’t settle for someone who isn’t arsed.
Never chase. Let them go.

matahairyy · 12/08/2019 21:01

Good words Pictish

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 12/08/2019 21:24

You’re all right. It’s been nearly 2 weeks since I last messaged him and he didn’t reply. And a further week since we last had contact. He’s obviously not that bothered.

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 12/08/2019 22:19

And no response is a message, or silence is a response. Whatever the saying on the dating thread was.

The first 3 weeks are the hardest and you're nearly there. I remember, when I was about at that point, I had an interview and it felt so strange to have some news that he was unaware of. But Now I have a new job and he's no idea where I work, and that feels good Confused

I also feel like a wiser soul. Which is no bad thing!

Have you ever read Natalie Lue's Mr Unavailable and the FAll back girl. I've read both of her books. The no contact one as well. I really enjoyed both of them. They penetrated years of hardwiring to people please ingrained in to me. Just thought I'd mention them!

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 14/08/2019 21:24

Hello wise ones. Still no contact from him. Obviously. It has been 15 days now. The longest we haven’t been in touch before is 22 days, since we met. But mostly we’re in touch every 2-3 days. I wonder if I’ll ever hear from him again. Every time I have tried to see if he would initiate contact before (e.g., the 22 days time) he hasn’t and I have been the one to give in.

As I mentioned upthread, every time I see him I end up spiralling downwards emotionally afterwards. This usually takes the form of emotional eating and I’m stuck in that place right now. I’m normally quite slim but I have definitely gained weight in the last fortnight.

I know that isn’t healthy. I know he isn’t good for me. I just wish that he could have felt the same way about me. I feel like such a fool.

I’m never going to hear from him am I?

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 14/08/2019 21:24

Yes I have read that book 31RueCambon. It’s excellent.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 14/08/2019 22:12

Also it seems like such a waste of a friendship.

OP posts:
pinkunicornsparkles · 14/08/2019 22:20

I hope you're ok @PlipPlop7clocks. What you've described reminds me so much of how I felt when my ex dumped me. I had no explaination and just couldn't understand. I needed him so much but he just moved on with his life and was not at all bothered and completely non plussed to never hear from me again or ask what I was up to. I went from having someone I told everything and spoke to everyday about all my thought and feelings to... nothing. The day I realised 'wow I will never see you again' I was so upset I drunkenly threw a glass at a wall. Not my finest moment. The glass shattered, sprang back and The shards hit me in the face. So don't copy me. WinkConfused But over time that realisation helped. Although devastated I accepted it and tried to build a new life. I went travelling, went through uni and found a job. It was miserable for a while but then (eventually) met someone new and he's now my husband etc etc.

You will be fine, just don't text him. Find a new life Thanks xx

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 14/08/2019 22:27

Thank you pinkunicornsparkles. Ouch!! I won’t throw any glasses...promise! You poor thing, that sounds like it was horrendous.

I think my guy just has a heart of stone ⛰

OP posts:
Thehop · 14/08/2019 22:44

He’s a massive cook nostril that led you on for a long time and kept you as an option.

Be happy, forget him.

You will eventually, we’ve all been there

So what a op suggested and imagine him smirking at your text and ignoring it, looking smug that he’s won and you caved. That’ll keep you strong x

31RueCambon · 14/08/2019 22:48

Think of it less as a friendship and more of a frustrating relationship on his terms. I hope that makes it seem less of a waste.
You are holding out, staying strong!

Everafter1 · 15/08/2019 00:13

It's hard to say whether you will or won't as you've always initiated.

I think this is always a good way to see where you stand with any guy, if you always do the leg work you don't know how much they want you.

I'm glad you've not gave in, please stay strong as you'll never know 1.Your own strength 2.If he'll ever try to maintain contact.

I hope by the time he gets in touch you don't care so much.

Takemebacktolondon · 15/08/2019 07:27

Have you got a plan for how you will respond if he suddenly gets in touch? I think you have gone through the pain barrier now. It would be a shame to start it all up again if he initiates.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 15/08/2019 07:45

Takemebacktolondon I’m concerned about that.

My plan was to speak to him if he calls and to act bright and breezy and happy. If he mentions something about what I messaged him about then I will make reference to that message that he didn’t reply to. To be fair, if an actual friend hadn’t replied to that message then I’d have been fine with it. It’s because I have feelings for him.

So I would chat to him but I’m concerned that I’ll get pulled back in emotionally.

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 15/08/2019 08:29

If he rings go with "oh busy busy! Been out too much recently"

His ego is getting a puff knowing that you are consciously not in touch.

In one way yes he ought to be held to account for messing with you for 2 years but wouldnt feel guilty even if it was all spelled out to him.

When you look back on this you will wish that you hadnt made him feel important.

Let him think that you went off him but that you owe him no explanation for that.

fandabbyfannyflutters · 15/08/2019 09:15

You are still completely over invested in this

Chances are he is not going to call. Analysing what to say 'if' he does is just again giving yourself hope that isn't there

He's ignored you and cut you off. Block him and stop wondering about him

31RueCambon · 15/08/2019 09:31

Disagree! After two years and no official breakup, chances are higher than fifty:fifty that he'll have a lonely evening at some point, all his friends will be busy, he will get told off at work, ignored in a bar, his potential candidate for sex will meet somebody else, and suddenly this thought pops in to his head "Plip would snap me up though!" and then, "hmm better check on that actually, been a while" and his 1am lonely judgement will decide that it is a good idea to send an ambiguous 'thinking of you' smiley face.... that he is just being 'nice'

It might not happen. But if i were a betting woman id say odds are 60:40 it will happen.

So OP, definitely decide what response if any you would make.

madeofstarlight · 15/08/2019 17:36

I agree with @31RueCambon, I think he will pop up again at some point.

When I was in my late teens I had a guy like this in my life and without fail every time I'd started to make peace with the fact we were never going to talk again he would pop up and start chatting as if he'd never been away. Unsurprisingly, though, nothing properly romantic ever came of it because he was just using me as a back up.

If he does talk to you again and you don't want to just ignore, I wouldn't even make reference to the fact you've noticed his absence because he'll get an ego boost from the fact you've been thinking of him even if you didn't get in touch.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 16/08/2019 00:33

Tonight I wrote him one of those letters (on my phone) that you never intend to send and I feel slightly better for it. I didn’t plan it. I just let it spill out.

I know that he doesn’t care but thank you for supporting me on here as I grieve what I had hoped we had.

OP posts:
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