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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please stop me texting him again

375 replies

PlipPlop7clocks · 01/08/2019 21:13

So I have a bit of an on/off, does he/doesn’t he relationship with a close male friend. I texted him on Tuesday night suggesting we catch up the following day but he never replied. It was a light, breezy, fun message. There is no reason why he shouldn’t have replied.

I’m making all kinds of excuses for him. Maybe he never saw the message. Maybe it never arrived. Maybe he’s upset with me for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t feel the way I thought he felt about me. Maybe he’s trying to tell me to go away without actually saying it.

I’m normally the kind of person that would follow up with another text a few days later but I’m pretty sure this guy knows exactly how I feel about him. He likes having me as an admirer. He likes the ego boost. He likes never having to initiate contact because I always give in and text him first.

So my plan is not to send another message. To just wait.

Please help me stay strong.

OP posts:
howdyalikemenow · 16/08/2019 00:36

Fgs don't send it op

Everafter1 · 16/08/2019 00:41

Just to clarify, you haven't sent it?

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 16/08/2019 00:42

No I definitely haven’t sent it! Not planning to.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 16/08/2019 01:13

Great!
Sometimes you feel better for just getting it out

howdyalikemenow · 16/08/2019 01:13

Ok. What did you write? Because in the wee small hours we all know how tempting it is to press send

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 16/08/2019 01:20

I just said things like I miss him, how seeing him derails me emotionally, how I don’t know how he feels about me, how he’s probably forgotten about me, etc.

I’m definitely not going to send it.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 16/08/2019 01:22

He once told me that he was aggressively pursued by a series of women and men who he worked with. There’s no way that I want to give him the satisfaction that I’m another person he can add to that list.

As it stands, he probably knows that I fancy him but he’s not 100% sure. I’d like to keep it that way and retain a bit of dignity.

OP posts:
Spotsandstars · 16/08/2019 08:23

He once told me that he was aggressively pursued by a series of women and men who he worked with. There’s no way that I want to give him the satisfaction that I’m another person he can add to that list.

VOMIT!!!!! Oh my days he loves himself so much doesn't he?! This type of person really turns my stomach. I suspect in time it will make you feel disgust for him rather than lust. In my late teens I had a man like this who dangled me on but no actual romance. Then I found my now husband and I realised what a real man was like and my actual worth. Don't settle for these crumbs, bin him off, block, delete. It's not a wasted friendship as it's not real.

Gwenavyne · 17/08/2019 09:05

Plip I think this is the song you need (if it lets me post it). I had one of these too. Good luck. Don't tell him.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 17/08/2019 11:25

Oh my days he loves himself so much doesn't he?!
He doesn’t generally give that impression but I would never say that to somebody (even if it had happened to me...it hasn’t because I would nip unwanted attention in the bud) myself because I wouldn’t want to look like I thought so highly of myself.

He’s a funny one. Half the time I think he’s arrogant and loves himself but the other half of the time I think he has low self esteem and low confidence.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 17/08/2019 11:26

Thanks for the song!

OP posts:
madeofstarlight · 17/08/2019 12:08

I think it's usually the case that overly arrogant people are the most insecure deep down. An ugly coping mechanism maybe.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 17/08/2019 12:10

madeofstarlight so do you think he’s just pretending to be arrogant?

OP posts:
pictish · 17/08/2019 12:45

Stop analysing him and trying to figure him out. It’s not like there’s some code or answer that will unlock his secret and consequently fall in love with you.
He’s not interested, you’re (one of ) his fall-back peeps and he sure as hell won’t be mooning around over you like you are him.
Stop fixating on him and get on with your life..

pictish · 17/08/2019 12:50

Sorry to be blunt like OP but you need to move on.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 17/08/2019 12:51

Just read the thread. I had one of these. It fucked me up big time. There is something wrong with this man. I recognise it all- the eye gazing, the attention and then nothing. Then you pull away and he starts again. It drags you in and makes you insane. Fact is even if you got him he would make the worst boyfriend ever. I think mine had definite narcissistic tendencies. Full of himself, arrogant but underneath it low self esteem, which he kept well hidden, and meant he took criticism exceptionally badly. Your feelings don't come into it unless it affects him directly.
I don't think men like this can do normal relationships. The only part of it is real are your feelings, which are intensified by the game playing. Its basically an abusive relationship. So run for the hills. fast.

RRJR · 17/08/2019 13:06

I feel frustrated reading all your posts, OP.

I think my guy just has a heart of stone

HE IS NOT YOUR GUY!!!

Man alive.. you’re obsessed with this guy.

You memorise the longest amount of days you’ve gone without contact? Hmm I couldn’t answer that about any of my friends! Why? Because I don’t care.. I could go two days or two weeks without contact and it wouldn’t occur to me to count it...

You are coming up with any excuse possible as to why he’s not contacted you when in reality there’s only one reason why - he just doesn’t want to. Accept it! Stop trying to get his attention by changing your WhatsApp photo because I can promise you now - he doesn’t give a shit what photo you have on there. He probably hasn’t even noticed. Stop trying to convince yourself otherwise.

Stop wondering what he’s up to. Stop spending your time analysing his behaviour and speaking about him with other friends. Stop counting the days since you’ve last heard from him. Stop going over past conversations.

You mean very little to this man. Just because YOU have him on a pedestal doesn’t mean he thinks the same about you. Just because YOU consider him a best friend doesn’t mean he considers you a best friend.

Let’s be honest you are his puppet. If he texts or calls you, you’d be back dangling on a string with a smile on your face.
You are literally wasting your time on this man. He never has and never will be interested in you. You aren’t his friend, you are someone that rubs his ego.

Move on

madeofstarlight · 17/08/2019 13:48

@PlipPlop7clocks Probably, in that behaving arrogantly makes him feel better about whatever insecurities he has but I wouldn't say it makes him any better than someone who is genuinely arrogant and has belief in themselves. The behaviour is still the same and isn't nice.

He really hasn't treated you well and like PP's have said I think you should try and forget about him and look after yourself. Don't waste your time wondering why he does the things he does etc. His silence has shown how he feels about you. It's shit because you obviously care about him but you deserve so much more. If you can care about someone who doesn't treat you well just imagine how much you'd have to give to someone who has mutual respect and love for you.

TheStuffedPenguin · 17/08/2019 13:55

You need to start a new NC thread on here and get some support from others in your situation.

31RueCambon · 17/08/2019 14:01

I wrote hundreds and hundreds of those OP
And they are quite healing I think because if as you go along you manage to make it more and more succinct, then it shows you the lesson to learn.

With "my" guy (and I just use "my" because I can't name him)

My letter got reduced over time from a 4 page erruption of pain and. Confusion to one sentence "you ignored the boundaries between a relationship and a friendship" and that told me the lesson I had to learn. I had to respect my own boundaries. If other people's self-perception and actions are totally incongruous now I get turned off.

RantyAnty · 17/08/2019 15:28

He does sound a bit narcissistic.

and yes, I think we've all been there with this type of time waster.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 17/08/2019 15:39

I did wonder whether he was a bit of a narcissist.

Sigh.

I’m listening to you all and trying to rid him from my thoughts.

OP posts:
CassettesAreCool · 17/08/2019 15:45

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, OP. Just saying.

thesunwillout · 17/08/2019 15:53

From sad, bitter experience, keep strong and don't contact him.
Further up the thread someone said to imagine his face when he sees a text from you. His ego will be delighted after all this time.

If you text him, you'll be back to square one.
The whole torture of the last week's will have been for nothing.

Break the cycle op.

He sounds totally totally into himself, he comes across so arrogant.

No no no.

Keep strong.

gower4 · 17/08/2019 15:56

Just read the thread.

You sound obsessed, OP. I mean this kindly, but I very much doubt you ever cross his mind.