Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please stop me texting him again

375 replies

PlipPlop7clocks · 01/08/2019 21:13

So I have a bit of an on/off, does he/doesn’t he relationship with a close male friend. I texted him on Tuesday night suggesting we catch up the following day but he never replied. It was a light, breezy, fun message. There is no reason why he shouldn’t have replied.

I’m making all kinds of excuses for him. Maybe he never saw the message. Maybe it never arrived. Maybe he’s upset with me for some reason. Maybe he doesn’t feel the way I thought he felt about me. Maybe he’s trying to tell me to go away without actually saying it.

I’m normally the kind of person that would follow up with another text a few days later but I’m pretty sure this guy knows exactly how I feel about him. He likes having me as an admirer. He likes the ego boost. He likes never having to initiate contact because I always give in and text him first.

So my plan is not to send another message. To just wait.

Please help me stay strong.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 17/08/2019 16:40

I don’t feel obsessed. Until 3 weeks ago we had been in regular contact every few days for a couple of years. He was the person that I confided everything in. We were very close.

Clearly he doesn’t care about me but he gave a very good impression of being invested and he didn’t make it clear that he wasn’t interested. Until now.

I’m not going to contact him. I don’t want this rollercoaster anymore. I have these huge highs and then these lows when I emotionally eat. I need more stability and time to heal, recover and move on. But it’s not easy.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 17/08/2019 16:50

If he wanted to be with you, you'd know. There would be no questioning it.

You've been on a rollercoaster for years, which has likely fuelled your infatuation.

You deserve better x

oabiti · 17/08/2019 16:56

Hi, op. I have been there. I completely know how you feel.

Things got to a head (not that head, I wish) and I ended up telling him how I'm sick of being fucked about and needed space from him. I know he was a little 'wtf', but I also know that he knew EXACTLY what I was on about.

I haven't seen him for months. We are meeting later. My view on the whole situation now is so different: I ain't the one for him, I ain't having his baby, I ain't marrying him, he's not sat around, thinking of me. This was all my wishful thinking.

I'm not so sure why I clung onto him the way I did. Maybe I mistook having a good time, as something more? There is definitely something about him. But...he is not the one!

Pepperstripe · 17/08/2019 17:13

Your wasting your life on a twat that doesn't give a shit and using you! Stop right now, get out there and find someone worthy of you and start living!

Thing101 · 17/08/2019 17:19

I've been in a very similar position to you. I think it went on so long (7 months, didn't even meet!!) because I presumed he had the same values. It was all lies and I still don't know why. I had this whole tragic romantic story in my head about why it couldn't happen for now - and he assured me it would, in the not too distant future.
I'm reeling from it to be honest as I can't believe what a mug I've been. Limerance was a big part of it, plus delusion and a splash of optimism! If a friend had described the situation to me I would have told them what a knob he sounded like!
You're doing well not to contact. Just list down what exactly he has brought you. In my case it was an illusion with nothing real. Try not to think of every past conversation or interaction as there are no answers with someone like this.

migoga · 17/08/2019 17:46

m.youtube.com/watch?v=nyuPWHwZru0

Gwenavyne · 17/08/2019 18:52

RoundTurn completely agree, they sound so alike when I read this I thought it had to be the same man: the intensity, the looking, the personal conversations and the feeling of a real emotional connection and a relationship that was always only just out of reach - all the same. It hurt like hell.

Gwenavyne · 17/08/2019 19:00

One thing I noticed with 'my' version of this guy that was quite funny was several times he said to me, oh he'd never told anyone this before... and then it would be something he'd already told me, so goodness knows who else.Hmm

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 17/08/2019 22:39

migoga what an apt song. I had never heard of it before or even the artist. Thanks for introducing me to her. This line particularly resonated with me:
“He steals love so he can feel alive”

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 17/08/2019 22:41

oabiti
I know he was a little 'wtf', but I also know that he knew EXACTLY what I was on about.
I think this is exactly how it would be with this guy too.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 17/08/2019 22:42

Your posts are all helping me so much. I can’t thank you all enough.

OP posts:
Howdoisortthis · 18/08/2019 08:45

Just wanted to say how well you’re doing with the no contact. Keep going.
I have a friend who sounds similar. Reading the responses have helped.

31RueCambon · 18/08/2019 09:21

Yeh, well done with no contact! You're doing really well.

If you contacted him now I suspect he'd feel ''ha, she cracked''. The relationship was on his terms.

How long has it been now OP? I found the run up to 3 weeks the hardest and then it definitely became easier. I still thought about him, but the temptation to actually contact him diminished really significantly.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 18/08/2019 09:38

Thank you. It’s been 3.5 weeks since I last heard from him. 2.5 weeks since my text that he ignored/never received/whatever.

It’s hard but I suspect it’s the right thing.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 18/08/2019 09:49

He has shown you that you are not part of his life...
Your amazing

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 18/08/2019 13:35

Honestly, you should block him so he can't contact you. You don't see him that often so it's easier. If I could with mine I would've but he worked with me and we had multiple friends in common. It took much longer and a whole lot more humiliation for me to just go 'Ewwh' .Next time he pops up it will start all over again, reinforcing the whole love/reject cycle which just makes it worse and worse.

Don't believe he hasn't seen it or even cares. I watch my one fuck up other peoples lives now and I see how he is absolutely unmoved by it. Its scary.

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 18/08/2019 13:50

I do wonder if these other people who ‘aggressively pursued’ him were led on by him as well. I’m not victim blaming but I would imagine it’s rare for someone to aggressively pursue someone else without a bit of initial encouragement. He certainly encouraged me. Our first few months of friendship was really intense. It was like the first fee dates with someone. We were totally enraptured by each other. Or at least that’s how it seemed. In retrospect I think he lovebombed me without actually saying he had feelings. Is that possible?

I don’t want to block him. I think I’m not ready to. Also, if I block him then I’ll never know if he contacts me. I presume that’s how blocking works? What does he encounter as a blocked person? Does he know he’s blocked? I have never blocked or been blocked before. As far as I know! I also don’t want to give him the thrill of knowing he meant that much to me that I had to block him. As it stands, I contacted him, he never replied and I never chased a reply. He might think that’s because I’m not fussed. I doubt it though. He will be perplexed. Unless of course he has identified himself in this thread, which is a possibility. He has heard of Mumsnet. Maybe he’s on here!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 18/08/2019 13:50

Thank you mummmy2017.

OP posts:
matahairyy · 18/08/2019 14:53

How about deleting his no. All of it. Old texts and calls.

matahairyy · 18/08/2019 14:54

Then if he looks at you on whatsapp he will see that he can’t see your pic (change your status so only contacts can see it)

Howdoisortthis · 18/08/2019 15:53

His name doesn’t begin with A does it?

Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 18/08/2019 16:07

Howdoisortthis no he’s not an A!

OP posts:
Original poster
PlipPlop7clocks · 18/08/2019 16:09

matahairyy but then he’ll know that I care. I’d rather just improve my willpower which can be pretty good. I have never drunk dialled/texted him.

OP posts:
pictish · 18/08/2019 16:15

I agree that blocking him would indicate that he has impact on you. Make like you don’t give a toss and let him drift.

GilbertMarkham · 18/08/2019 16:47

Personally I think he will get in touch sooner or later; however that won't change the fundamental situation .. which is that he doesn't reciprocate your feelings and doesn't want a relationship with you.

It'll just drag on, more of the same and while you're emotionally focused on him, you're not fully free to find and focus on someone else.

Have you had kids yet? Would you like to? You're 37, is that right (?) I'm not op Nd of these people who scare mongers women over 35 (I've had a child at 41) however you do need to think about the time it takes to meet a partner, get to know them well (2 years plus to really get to know someone) and build a relationship together.

You're wasting your time with this guy.

You need to detach, and it may be difficult to do it while you still have any contact. It's probably better to just go cold turkey/go through withdrawal. You also need to start putting effort into meeting other potential candidates. When you meet someone you like, he become a lot less important in your thoughts and emotions.