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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

These things have happened. Am I being sensitive?

251 replies

Tumbleweedmoments · 01/08/2019 09:04

Not sure if I’m being too sensitive and reading in to things. My DP of 5 months has started saying the following things:

Am I going to get a fake tan for holiday? I’ve said no a few times as for me personally I just don’t like actually getting it done, although I get the effects can look good! It’s just not for me.

Am I going to get a full wax? I do have hair down there and maybe a little more than most but it’s not overgrown and I keep it trim! He’s offered to pay and brings it up every week or so.

He’s told me he doesn’t know any women who would want a hairy arsehole. He’s only ventured there a couple of times but there’s no way I would wax it! I’ve told him this.

Why don’t I wear heels to work? Apparently every woman does. I have heels in the office and sometimes wear them if I feel like it. I’ve explained I never wear them to commute as it’s painful.

Why don’t I have a particular type of handbag that all girls have? This I found strange and just told him I couldn’t afford it and the handbag I have is actually far nicer and more expensive (not that that maters!)

Once during sex he was slipping out as I was on the bed and he wasn’t. He kept pulling me into him to reposition while sighing and getting annoyed asking why I kept moving away. I wasn’t, it was just the bed. He then pulled out in a rage when I got upset and wouldn’t speak to me.

Went to the beach for the day last week and on the way back we stopped at a bar. As we pulled up he asked if I was putting any male up on. I said no as I hadn’t brought any with me to the beach. He shook his head and said I knew we were stopping on the way back and this is a nice place he wanted to take me (I had known we were stopping). In the past at uni I would definitely had taken my make up. These days I am less bothered (I wear it a lot but don’t feel the need on a beach day). Maybe I am losing myself and he has a point? I would never have done that years ago with any of my ex’s. Perhaps men don’t like it in general and it’s not misty my DP.

He can be really kind and generous. He’s not mean with money and does nice things like cooks a nice meal or little surprises here and there. It is confusing and leads me to feel it’s my fault he is like this. I am quite emotionally aware and so it is possible I am being really sensitive like he says I am. I do pick up on things and read into things. I don’t want to ruin a relationship because I’m not relaxed enough, I want to work on that if it’s not fault or I am partly to blame. Please don’t hold back in your opinions. I need to know if this is me and how I can change my mindset. Thank you.

OP posts:
TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 01/08/2019 09:07

He sounds like a twat. Tell him to have a full on wax down there. That should shut him up

DieCryHate · 01/08/2019 09:10

It's not you it's him. My ex was like this and he made me feel like shit. That relationship ending was the best thing that ever happened to me though it didn't feel like it at the time. You are worth more than this, everyone is. He's grinding you down, undermining your self confidence, and probably putting you right where he wants you to be.

LJL1 · 01/08/2019 09:11

All of the occurrences you describe, even as individual occurrences, would be completely unacceptable to me. I would remove this shallow mysoginist from my life immediately and spend a year or two single working on my self-esteem and boundaries.

Bookworm4 · 01/08/2019 09:13

Seems like he wants a barbie doll, I’d tell him to get lost.

SquirellTamer · 01/08/2019 09:13

Does he want a girlfriend or a barbie? You need to decide if this is how you want to live your life.

Charley50 · 01/08/2019 09:14

Ugh. Yeah get him a barbie or a (cheap( blow up doll and tell him to fuck off.

Howdoyousleep · 01/08/2019 09:15

I couldn’t stand that pressure feeling that I wasn’t good enough.

Spinderellacutituponetime · 01/08/2019 09:15

Awful. No way would I put up with this. These are warning signs and I would personally get out now.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/08/2019 09:15

Maybe I am losing myself and he has a point?
Yep - because he is trying to turn you into someone else.
This will get worse and worse.
You'll be told what to wear.
You'll be punished if you want to see your friends without him.

I am 50 and I would say I wear make up maybe 4 times a year!
I'm happy in my own skin.
I've never had a fake tan!
If someone doesn't like me for who I am then they can get to fuck!

He is abusive and controlling.
Please for the love of god.... RUN
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I also think a call to Womens Aid would be a good idea for you.
Ask them about their Freedom Programme and do it ASAP.
He is flying so many red flags here. Do NOT ignore them.
5 months in should be the honeymoon period where he loves everything about YOU and who YOU are.
You've had early warning signs. Now end it and block him on everything.

Howdoyousleep · 01/08/2019 09:16

I wouldn’t see him again after one of those comments.

Chuffingchuff · 01/08/2019 09:16

He must wants someone on his arm to show off, not an actual person. If he wants someone who does all those things then he needs to find that person, not bully you into changing. He doesnt sound right for you at all, and I would end it sooner rather than later.

DeadBod · 01/08/2019 09:17

He's being a knob, get out fast. You're only 5 months in and he's trying to dictate how you look.

Nearlyfriyay987654 · 01/08/2019 09:18

Sounds too controlling for my liking; this is only a few months in so imagine what he will be like in the future.... telling you what you can and can’t wear, who you can be friends with etc. I’d ditch him.

firesong · 01/08/2019 09:18

Every woman has a certain type of handbag?! Wtf and why would he care about that!?

The other stuff, it's just unacceptable. Personally, I would sit him down for a chat and tell him I won't be changing. He can accept me in all my glory or he can fuck off. And I don't want to hear any ridiculous comments about tans, waxing or makeup again.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 01/08/2019 09:19

Nope, no way i would want to stay with him!

LemonBreeland · 01/08/2019 09:19

He is trying to turn you into someone else. He does not want you as you are. Only 5 months, I would walk away.

MrsMozartMkII · 01/08/2019 09:20

Yuck. Really couldn't be doing with that.

If my DH said any of those things I'd think he'd been invaded by an alien, and if he hadn't then I'd be having words!

firesong · 01/08/2019 09:20

Oh sorry I only just noticed you're only five months into the relationship! I would break it off, OP.

Saltnpepper5 · 01/08/2019 09:20

Tell him to wax his own arse hole, wear heals and make up and have a fancy new handbag, what a dick. He wants you to be a certain way. Also tell him to fuck off.

You can do better than him.

PatriciaHolm · 01/08/2019 09:21

Change your boyfriend not your mindset.

He wants a dolly, an image of a girl he's got from tv or porn or both. Not an actual human woman.

I'd have dumped him for the sex tantrum alone, that's awful.

ShatnersWig · 01/08/2019 09:21

I am quite emotionally aware and so it is possible I am being really sensitive like he says I am

He's telling you this so you doubt yourself.

I do pick up on things and read into things. I don’t want to ruin a relationship because I’m not relaxed enough, I want to work on that if it’s not fault or I am partly to blame

You're not to blame at all, let alone partly.

Please don’t hold back in your opinions. I need to know if this is me and how I can change my mindset.

It's not you. The mindset you need to change is that this is a bloke you want to be with. He's a controlling fuckwit. Dump him immediately if not sooner. Deadly serious, get out now.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 01/08/2019 09:21

Ans how in God's name does he know if most women wax a hairy bumhole or not?! Methinks he has watched too much porn. No way I'd wax more than a bikini line tidy up around the edges.

justthecat · 01/08/2019 09:23

Tell him he’s not meeting YOUR standards and dump him

Mylittlepony374 · 01/08/2019 09:23

He is an absolute prick.
Get rid.
You deserve better.

FetchezLaVache · 01/08/2019 09:24

5 months in, you say? I find it creepy, like he's trying to change your entire personality. If I were a betting woman, I'd have a fiver on his being an equally vociferous proponent of the natural look if you HAD been the St Tropez, hairless, fully made-up-at-all-times type.