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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

These things have happened. Am I being sensitive?

251 replies

Tumbleweedmoments · 01/08/2019 09:04

Not sure if I’m being too sensitive and reading in to things. My DP of 5 months has started saying the following things:

Am I going to get a fake tan for holiday? I’ve said no a few times as for me personally I just don’t like actually getting it done, although I get the effects can look good! It’s just not for me.

Am I going to get a full wax? I do have hair down there and maybe a little more than most but it’s not overgrown and I keep it trim! He’s offered to pay and brings it up every week or so.

He’s told me he doesn’t know any women who would want a hairy arsehole. He’s only ventured there a couple of times but there’s no way I would wax it! I’ve told him this.

Why don’t I wear heels to work? Apparently every woman does. I have heels in the office and sometimes wear them if I feel like it. I’ve explained I never wear them to commute as it’s painful.

Why don’t I have a particular type of handbag that all girls have? This I found strange and just told him I couldn’t afford it and the handbag I have is actually far nicer and more expensive (not that that maters!)

Once during sex he was slipping out as I was on the bed and he wasn’t. He kept pulling me into him to reposition while sighing and getting annoyed asking why I kept moving away. I wasn’t, it was just the bed. He then pulled out in a rage when I got upset and wouldn’t speak to me.

Went to the beach for the day last week and on the way back we stopped at a bar. As we pulled up he asked if I was putting any male up on. I said no as I hadn’t brought any with me to the beach. He shook his head and said I knew we were stopping on the way back and this is a nice place he wanted to take me (I had known we were stopping). In the past at uni I would definitely had taken my make up. These days I am less bothered (I wear it a lot but don’t feel the need on a beach day). Maybe I am losing myself and he has a point? I would never have done that years ago with any of my ex’s. Perhaps men don’t like it in general and it’s not misty my DP.

He can be really kind and generous. He’s not mean with money and does nice things like cooks a nice meal or little surprises here and there. It is confusing and leads me to feel it’s my fault he is like this. I am quite emotionally aware and so it is possible I am being really sensitive like he says I am. I do pick up on things and read into things. I don’t want to ruin a relationship because I’m not relaxed enough, I want to work on that if it’s not fault or I am partly to blame. Please don’t hold back in your opinions. I need to know if this is me and how I can change my mindset. Thank you.

OP posts:
LittleDoll · 01/08/2019 11:14

You dont sound compatible. He needs to find a woman who does those things of her own accord. What hes doing to you is wrong.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 01/08/2019 11:15

If you stay with this man he will destroy your self esteem and your mental health.

OstrichRunning · 01/08/2019 11:16

It absolutely is not you, it is so clear that this will only get worse for you, that he is not a nice person and that you should leave him. Occasional nice gestures are meaningless in the context of all the awful, misogynistic things he has said to you. Truly awful.

good luck

Isatis · 01/08/2019 11:17

Just to clarify when I answer back or defend myself he says he’s trying to help me and is just saying these things because it’s what most women do. If I don’t accept that answer then most often he will stop speaking to me there and then and it can last for hours or days.

Oh, FFS, you're not allowed to disagree with what the great man says about what "most women" do even when it's blatantly total fiction? To be honest, the first time a man inflicted the silent treatment on me for something as stupid as that I would get rid.

It isn’t easy because he isn’t a monster all of the time.

I do realise it's easy for us to say with the luxury of not being in the middle of this relationship, but really if he's only a monster for one percent of the time, that's way too much.

I have just been questioning whether I have ruined the relationship

No, you absolutely happened. With a man like this, I'm afraid it was ruined by him before it began.

NottonightJosepheen · 01/08/2019 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isatis · 01/08/2019 11:17

happened = haven't.

HappyNOTdriving · 01/08/2019 11:20

I can't even begin to write how bad this is. I'm just going to repeat an earlier response which is absolutely accurate.

All of the occurrences you describe, even as individual occurrences, would be completely unacceptable to me. I would remove this shallow mysoginist from my life immediately and spend a year or two single working on my self-esteem and boundaries.

For clarification. I have been with Dp for over 15 years and he has never made a comment even similar to those.
If he did I would immediately consider wether I wanted to end it because even after so many years and how much I love him, i love myself more and no one talks to me or gets to have those types of opinions about me!
My Dp loves me as me of he can find someone else.

Missingstreetlife · 01/08/2019 11:23

You are not most women, you are you. Most women are not most women, they are themselves. Most women are not bending over backwards to be something they are not (tho too many do). Most women want a partner who accepts and loves them as they are

cavalier · 01/08/2019 11:24

“When a person show you who they are, believe
them the first time”
Quote by Angelou Maya
I try to gauge things with this quote 👍

HappyNOTdriving · 01/08/2019 11:26

Oh and do you know what most women have hairy arse holes. Some choose to remove it but loads don't.

How would a man know better than you what women want or how they groom or

Infact it's not worth writing anymore he just isn't fucking worth it.

You know this isn't right I hope you find a way to really truly see that and manage to leave.

DuMondeB · 01/08/2019 11:27

This man is a cock and you definitely need to dump him, but I am still really intrigued as to what kind of handbag we’re all supposed to have?

For the record, I have never waxed my arsehole, nor do I ever intend to.

AppropriateAdult · 01/08/2019 11:28

This is a man who does not like women, or think of them as full human beings. It will only get worse if you stay with him.

M0RVEN · 01/08/2019 11:29

It’s negging. Google it.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/08/2019 11:31

Mine used to try this. It was porn. He wanted me to look like the girls in the porn films.

A couple of rounds of 'on your bike, sunshine', only less politely put, and he got the message. But he still thinks sex should be like a porn film (which is one of the reasons we are now friends rather than partners).

MissLadyM · 01/08/2019 11:31

He's a hairy arsehole! He's undermining your confidence. Tell him to get his cock waxed/tanned whatever! I'd run for the hills!

Tumbleweedmoments · 01/08/2019 11:32

Why would he say the mask is slipping, while upset, if he wasn’t a genuinely nice person deep down. That’s what confuses me, he must know he’s not being nice

OP posts:
LegionOfDoom · 01/08/2019 11:33

He’s a twat. The problem is him, not you. Don’t ever think it’s you.

My ex used to do this. Didn’t like my hair, wanted me totally waxed all the time, didn’t like my clothes. Pressured me to lose weight, to the point I went down to a size 6 (size 10 when we met). He just never seemed to be happy with my appearance, no matter how hard I tried. I stayed for years and it ended with him putting a cigarette out on me and pushing me down the stairs on our way to a party. He didn’t like my dress and for the first time, I refused to change. He didn’t like that.

Just leave now

Derbee · 01/08/2019 11:33

He’s an arsehole, OP. Nice normal partners don’t treat people like this.

SandAndSea · 01/08/2019 11:33

Yuk! He's disgusting!

I agree with everyone else. Please end it asap before you lose all your confidence.

LondonJax · 01/08/2019 11:37

The mask is slipping! Leave, asap and don't look back.

I was married to my first husband for 13 years (big mistake but there you go). He too had 'a mask'. To the outside world he was a charming, funny, good looking man. To me he'd insist on make up even if I was going to the shops. He would give me a kick under the table if I disagreed with friends when we were out - you know the usual 'I love Boris, well I don't' type of conversations you have with mates. He'd comment on my weight, my clothes, the words I used. Not in a nice way either.

Then, when I didn't do those things quickly enough or disagreed with them the pushing, shoving, slapping started. I was walking on egg shells every day trying to preempt what I 'should be like' - which wasn't easy as his ideal would change. So one week it'd be blonde hair would suit me, next week why don't I go darker.

Finally I saw sense and left. A few years later I met my DH and father of my DS. A real man. One who compliments me when I dress up, but also tells me I look lovely without make up. One who will give me an opinion on my clothes, if I want it, but otherwise leaves me to decide what I wear - because I'm an adult. One who is happy to sit back if I'm in a debate with friends, but will also happily join in (not always on my side if he disagrees with my view).

This is classical control. Turn away asap. Really.

No person can say 'this is what every woman/man/child is doing or wearing or thinking' because we're all individuals. Every woman doesn't own the same bloody bag! If we did there wouldn't be bags in every fashion shop in the high street. Not every woman wears make up - some wear more than others, some like 'natural' make up, others go full on false eye lashes and red lips. Some women remove all hair, some remove none, some are in between. Some women love heels, some wouldn't be seen dead or find them uncomfortable.

Just like not every man wears a suit, or jeans, or owns a leather jacket. Or likes football or cricket. Or has a shaved head or long hair, a beard, rides a bike or drives a car.

He has a very poor view of women if he thinks 'all women like...' and he's moulding you into that image. Don't do it.

As for my ex? He's remarried. I saw a photo of them just after they married. She had long curly dark hair. Just recently a photo went onto Facebook. She's wearing very different clothes and the hair is blonder and straight. Maybe it's her decision - my gut says not. Leopards don't change their spots.

keepingbees · 01/08/2019 11:40

What does he mean 'the mask is slipping'
Is he openly admitting that he's slowly revealing the true arsehole he is rather than the fake front when he first met you?

5 months in is nothing. If he's like his now it's only going to get worse. He's chipping away at you.

Ask him when he's going to get a back,sack and crack wax as you don't know why any man would want to be hairy.
Ask him why he doesn't wear a certain brand of clothes as 'all men do.'
Question his work clothing.
Ask when he's going to get a haircut so that he looks presentable enough.
See how that goes down.

sprouts21 · 01/08/2019 11:40

Get rid.

Anerak · 01/08/2019 11:40

You don't need to change, someone should accept you as you are. If he wants someone/something else, he should go and find that. Slowly this behaviour/these comments will eat away at your self esteem and make you ask yourself 'what's wrong with me', when there is nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with him, that he can't accept you. You sound like you actually have high self-esteem, in that you don't feel you have to do what he asks. Don't let him take that away.

maet · 01/08/2019 11:40

Please leave him. He's a sexist pig.

Ounce · 01/08/2019 11:42

That’s what confuses me, he must know he’s not being nice

Oh, he knows it all right. He's not being nice because he hates you. Men like this hate all women.

Once you get your head around that fact, all the rest of his behaviour will make perfect sense.

Please ditch him, OP. It's heartbreaking to read about yet another young woman wasting her time with some absolute knobhead.

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