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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

These things have happened. Am I being sensitive?

251 replies

Tumbleweedmoments · 01/08/2019 09:04

Not sure if I’m being too sensitive and reading in to things. My DP of 5 months has started saying the following things:

Am I going to get a fake tan for holiday? I’ve said no a few times as for me personally I just don’t like actually getting it done, although I get the effects can look good! It’s just not for me.

Am I going to get a full wax? I do have hair down there and maybe a little more than most but it’s not overgrown and I keep it trim! He’s offered to pay and brings it up every week or so.

He’s told me he doesn’t know any women who would want a hairy arsehole. He’s only ventured there a couple of times but there’s no way I would wax it! I’ve told him this.

Why don’t I wear heels to work? Apparently every woman does. I have heels in the office and sometimes wear them if I feel like it. I’ve explained I never wear them to commute as it’s painful.

Why don’t I have a particular type of handbag that all girls have? This I found strange and just told him I couldn’t afford it and the handbag I have is actually far nicer and more expensive (not that that maters!)

Once during sex he was slipping out as I was on the bed and he wasn’t. He kept pulling me into him to reposition while sighing and getting annoyed asking why I kept moving away. I wasn’t, it was just the bed. He then pulled out in a rage when I got upset and wouldn’t speak to me.

Went to the beach for the day last week and on the way back we stopped at a bar. As we pulled up he asked if I was putting any male up on. I said no as I hadn’t brought any with me to the beach. He shook his head and said I knew we were stopping on the way back and this is a nice place he wanted to take me (I had known we were stopping). In the past at uni I would definitely had taken my make up. These days I am less bothered (I wear it a lot but don’t feel the need on a beach day). Maybe I am losing myself and he has a point? I would never have done that years ago with any of my ex’s. Perhaps men don’t like it in general and it’s not misty my DP.

He can be really kind and generous. He’s not mean with money and does nice things like cooks a nice meal or little surprises here and there. It is confusing and leads me to feel it’s my fault he is like this. I am quite emotionally aware and so it is possible I am being really sensitive like he says I am. I do pick up on things and read into things. I don’t want to ruin a relationship because I’m not relaxed enough, I want to work on that if it’s not fault or I am partly to blame. Please don’t hold back in your opinions. I need to know if this is me and how I can change my mindset. Thank you.

OP posts:
finn1020 · 01/08/2019 09:42

He’s nasty and unkind, do you really want to be in a relationship with him? Tell him to get his balls, bum, back and chest hair waxed because you find it a turn on. Once he’s done that, dump him.

Skittlenommer · 01/08/2019 09:43

Whether you wear make-up or not is irrelevant!

Seriously, off load him... like yesterday!!!!

VenusTiger · 01/08/2019 09:43

OP, he’s making YOU FEEL GUILTY when you disagree. That’s enough. He wants you to be someone else.

And tell him to lay off the porn ffs!

He’s a fake.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 01/08/2019 09:43

He’s a knob. He’s making you question yourself already!

Get rid.

Deathgrip · 01/08/2019 09:43

Oh OP. He’s not trying to help you!

Just to clarify when I answer back or defend myself he says he’s trying to help me and is just saying these things because it’s what most women do.
Who gives a fuck what most women do? And how does he know what most women do? Does he think he knows how to be a woman better than you do? Christ, my DH wouldn’t even know what handbag I have or other women have.

If I don’t accept that answer then most often he will stop speaking to me there and then and it can last for hours or days. this is emotional abuse, end of story.

Sometimes I have thought maybe he is trying to help me for instance by offering to pay for a wax.
How is that helping you? You don’t want a wax. How would a wax benefit you?

But what happens is I am so on edge all the time that it feels like he means everything in a way to put me down, when in reality that’s probably not true.
He is putting you down. And then when you react appropriately, he says you’re overly sensitive.

He’s a shit.

Bluntness100 · 01/08/2019 09:44

Op, are you actually listening to the responses?

sackrifice · 01/08/2019 09:46

i wouldn't consider myself sensitive, i'd consider myself to be in a relationship with a twat and would dump him. before he drags my self esteem down the plughole.

Tumbleweedmoments · 01/08/2019 09:46

Yes, I am listening to the responses.

It isn’t easy because he isn’t a monster all of the time. It’s easy to comment on a post when you’re not in the middle of it.

Of course I agree it needs to end. I have just been questioning whether I have ruined the relationship as I am not perfect and I can be sensitive to things, that’s not unheard of. However I’ve never had this with a partner and always been considered as someone who can take a joke. So deep down I don’t think it is me. But I just wanted some other opinions.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 01/08/2019 09:47

IGNORING YOU FOR HOURS OR DAYS IS A MASSIVE PROBLEM!!!!!!!

Omg op. This, this is a significant detail. He is abusive. His abuse is coercive control. He will use the silent treatment to shape your behaviour as you will appease him by doing what he wants to avoid this.

This is a blessing! He has shown himself early! Lots dont show themselves until their dp is pregnant and trapped.

GET OUT NOW.

Skittlenommer · 01/08/2019 09:48

Is he dumped yet? Because he should be!!!

No abusers are monsters all of the time. That’s how they get you!

C0untDucku1a · 01/08/2019 09:48

he isnt a monster all of the time

Come on, op. Why would you settle for a monster some of the time?

sackrifice · 01/08/2019 09:48

It isn’t easy because he isn’t a monster all of the time. It’s easy to comment on a post when you’re not in the middle of it.

The whole point of dating before you marry is to get rid of men that constantly put you down. Of course he isn't a monster all the time, you wouldn't hang around if that was the case - but the monster is already seeping out and you are not responding to it in your best interests by believing it is you and not him.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/08/2019 09:48

and is just saying these things because it’s what most women do
YES - most women in porn videos.
Not NORMAL women.
I believe he has a huge porn habit.

He is NOT trying to help you.
He is trying to change you into a porn star.

And not talking to you when you disagree is another abusive control tactic.
Google 'Stonewalling abuse'

I am so on edge all the time that it feels like he means everything in a way to put me down
That is exactly what he is doing.
Crush your self-esteem and self-confidence and self-worth and turn you into what HE wants.

Now re-read EVERY response and RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 01/08/2019 09:49

Sounds like the start of something a bit coercive to me.
5 months in, now you're hooked and love him.
Now he is trying to dictate what you look like etc
Next he will make you feel bad for seeing your friends family.
You will start to change your life so as not to 'upset' him.
He gives you the silent treatment to punish you over nothing - did you know that ignoring someone causes the same effect in our brains as being physically hurt?

I also know it's easier said than done because he will blame you, turn it around on you as your fault, but you need to get out now, not another 5 months/year down the line.
NOW

Seren10 · 01/08/2019 09:50

All of the occurrences you describe, even as individual occurrences, would be completely unacceptable to me

This, with bells on!

Why are you putting up with this?

Whatisthisfuckery · 01/08/2019 09:50

He really thinks he’s the expert on women doesn’t he? We all do this, we all look like that, we all carry that handbag.What a complete and utter knob. He wants a porno fantasy, not a woman.

I’d tell him to go ahead and find his Barby doll and to fuck right off, then block on everything and ignore him. Even if you did give in to his unrealistic beauty standards, there’ll always be something else. Your hair isn’t right, those clothes aren’t right, you’re too fat, even if you’re definitely not. There’ll always be something else he’s not happy with, because he wants a 2 dimensional image to show off with, and a fuck doll to wank into on his terms,, not a real life, living, feeling, and especially thinking woman. He’s a fragile egoed little man who will ruin your self esteem an self worth, just to bring you down to his level.Show him the door.

C0untDucku1a · 01/08/2019 09:50

Look up the cyclemof abuse. Of they were abusive dicks all the time nobody would stay. Of course they are the nicest kindest men some of the time. Thats part of the act. It works to make you question that the bad times are worth the good. And it also means they have an image of a great guy as you wont feel
Able to tell people what he is really like for fear they wont believe you.

funnylittlefloozie · 01/08/2019 09:50

What sort of handbag do "all women / girls have"? I went to lunch with my DD, my mum and her friend the other day, and we all had VERY different handbags.

Ofallthebad · 01/08/2019 09:51

First he will tell you are not up to scratch like all these ‘other women’ out there.
Then when he’s ground you down to nothing he’ll fuck one of these handbag toting heel wearing ladies (he won’t give a shit about her personality... he’ll just go for the one that looks like the porn he watches).
Then he’ll come crawling back to you, all the while convincing you it was your fault he cheated.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 01/08/2019 09:51

Oh yeah, and it's because you are sensitive and kind that you are easy to manipulate and control - it's not bad to be sensitive and kind - it just makes it easier for him and easier for him to make you doubt yourself because you overthink. You are already feeling 'maybe it's me' and that's exactly what he needs you to do.

Ofallthebad · 01/08/2019 09:52

The jury is pretty unanimous on this one OP.

MrsBobDylan · 01/08/2019 09:52

All abusive men can be lovely - they would never be able to reel in their next victim if they weren't.

He is controlling you by asking you to wax, wear make up and heels. When you don't he punishes by getting angry, telling you your are over sensitive and giving the silent treatment.

Looking at it sensibly, you can't possibly believe that every woman waxes their arsehole, commutes in heels and wears make up to the beach?

He has worked his way into your insecurities and has a hold over you. If you don't find a way to break that you are condemning yourself to a shitty life.

Oldbutstillgotit · 01/08/2019 09:52

OP he sounds like DD’s ex and, trust me, it will get worse . Has he been through your wardrobe “ suggesting “ you throw out half your stuff ? If not he will.
As everyone else has said - dump this idiot . You are worth so much more .

hellsbellsmelons · 01/08/2019 09:55

It’s easy to comment on a post when you’re not in the middle of it
And that is why you posted and that is why we are here.
We can see exactly what is happening as we are on the outside.
So many women on here have been exactly where you are.
They have hindsight and can tell you to get out now.

OP - NO-ONE and I mean, NO-ONE is perfect.
If you find a guy who doesn't like your imperfections then they are not the person for you.
Someone should love all of you. Querkyness, imperfections, the lot!

Of course he's not a monster all the time.
No abusers are.
They would never hook someone if they were horrible all the time.

Do some homework before you embark on dating again.
Google.
Cycle of abuse
Jekyll and Hyde abuse
Stonewalling abuse
Gaslighting abuse
Love bombing
Co-dependency
And like I said - the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid is an absolute must for you.
You can do it on-line.

I assume you are young and it's worrying. I do wonder what you learnt about relationships growing up.

gamerchick · 01/08/2019 09:55

I think going on this thread it's pretty clear his idea of all woman isn't the reality.

I did Wonder for a momnet whether he might have a secret hankering to dress up as a woman

I'd ask this question tbh and offer to pay for a full wax for him as a present.

Then dump him for the sulking alone. He's a cock that's watched too much porn OP or he's trying to turn you into someone he knows.

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