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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

These things have happened. Am I being sensitive?

251 replies

Tumbleweedmoments · 01/08/2019 09:04

Not sure if I’m being too sensitive and reading in to things. My DP of 5 months has started saying the following things:

Am I going to get a fake tan for holiday? I’ve said no a few times as for me personally I just don’t like actually getting it done, although I get the effects can look good! It’s just not for me.

Am I going to get a full wax? I do have hair down there and maybe a little more than most but it’s not overgrown and I keep it trim! He’s offered to pay and brings it up every week or so.

He’s told me he doesn’t know any women who would want a hairy arsehole. He’s only ventured there a couple of times but there’s no way I would wax it! I’ve told him this.

Why don’t I wear heels to work? Apparently every woman does. I have heels in the office and sometimes wear them if I feel like it. I’ve explained I never wear them to commute as it’s painful.

Why don’t I have a particular type of handbag that all girls have? This I found strange and just told him I couldn’t afford it and the handbag I have is actually far nicer and more expensive (not that that maters!)

Once during sex he was slipping out as I was on the bed and he wasn’t. He kept pulling me into him to reposition while sighing and getting annoyed asking why I kept moving away. I wasn’t, it was just the bed. He then pulled out in a rage when I got upset and wouldn’t speak to me.

Went to the beach for the day last week and on the way back we stopped at a bar. As we pulled up he asked if I was putting any male up on. I said no as I hadn’t brought any with me to the beach. He shook his head and said I knew we were stopping on the way back and this is a nice place he wanted to take me (I had known we were stopping). In the past at uni I would definitely had taken my make up. These days I am less bothered (I wear it a lot but don’t feel the need on a beach day). Maybe I am losing myself and he has a point? I would never have done that years ago with any of my ex’s. Perhaps men don’t like it in general and it’s not misty my DP.

He can be really kind and generous. He’s not mean with money and does nice things like cooks a nice meal or little surprises here and there. It is confusing and leads me to feel it’s my fault he is like this. I am quite emotionally aware and so it is possible I am being really sensitive like he says I am. I do pick up on things and read into things. I don’t want to ruin a relationship because I’m not relaxed enough, I want to work on that if it’s not fault or I am partly to blame. Please don’t hold back in your opinions. I need to know if this is me and how I can change my mindset. Thank you.

OP posts:
ReturnofSaturn · 01/08/2019 09:25

He sounds bizarre. What normal man even notices those things, let alone care. Confused

MarianaMoatedGrange · 01/08/2019 09:27

Yeah a blow up doll would suit him better than a real live woman.

Deathgrip · 01/08/2019 09:27

You can’t change his mindset. He’s a misogynist who thinks women are decorative and should endure painful and expensive grooming for his benefit. Fuck him.

Am I going to get a fake tan for holiday? Nope.

Am I going to get a full wax? No. fuck off. Don’t ask again.

He’s told me he doesn’t know any women who would want a hairy arsehole Would I opt for a hairy arsehole if I got to locate my hair follicles? Probably not. Am I going to rip the hair out of a sensitive area for no fucking reason? No.

Why don’t I wear heels to work? because they hurt. Fuck off.

Why don’t I have a particular type of handbag that all girls have? there is no handbag that all women have. Girls? FUCK OFF.

Once during sex he was slipping out as I was on the bed and he wasn’t. He kept pulling me into him to reposition while sighing and getting annoyed asking why I kept moving away. I wasn’t, it was just the bed. He then pulled out in a rage when I got upset and wouldn’t speak to me. Sounds delightful. What a prick.

Went to the beach for the day last week and on the way back we stopped at a bar. As we pulled up he asked if I was putting any male up on. I said no as I hadn’t brought any with me to the beach. He shook his head and said I knew we were stopping on the way back and this is a nice place he wanted to take me (I had known we were stopping). In the past at uni I would definitely had taken my make up. These days I am less bothered (I wear it a lot but don’t feel the need on a beach day). Maybe I am losing myself and he has a point? I would never have done that years ago with any of my ex’s. Perhaps men don’t like it in general and it’s not misty my DP. No he doesn’t have a point. My DH would never comment on me not wearing make up because it’s my fucking face.

You can do better than this.

wendywoopywoo222 · 01/08/2019 09:28

Your not being sensitive. He is a nasty abusive man and it will get worse until you lose your identity completely. This board is full of women who have tried to change for men like this to please them and are on here years down the line trying to regain the confidence they once had to leave them. I have been there myself and firmly believe that without Mumsnet I would never have found the strength. You will never be what he wants as he will keep moving the goalposts to keep you off kilter. It's been 5 months. Please help yourself now and kick his sorry ass out of your life. Good luck.

fedup21 · 01/08/2019 09:28

You’ve been together for only 5 months?

What a twat! I presume you haven’t been on holiday together before? Sorry to say it but I don’t think it’s going to go well.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/08/2019 09:29

It is not you

You are not oversensitive.

He wants you to physically be this ideal doll that dresses like this and wears that. Then it'll be your behaviour. Most women are OK doing this, most women don't do that, most women like this, most women would never complain about that.

Leave leave leave whilst it's new and your not living together or pregnant

isthismylifenow · 01/08/2019 09:30

I am really hoping that you will not be posting something else down the line that you are the 6 month mark.

No OP. Its only been 5 months. This will not get better and you cannot push this under the rug.

This is not a good relationship for you. He may have good qualities in there but cooking a meal is far less important in a relationship that making you feel inferior.

Btw, i can relate to a lot and the bumhole thing as it was something that my (emotionally abusive ex, yes abusive OP) would say.

My heart sank reading this. Please please think hard about it. Don't be me! This isnt good for you.

GuacamoleWithNoHesitation · 01/08/2019 09:31

He sounds like a shallow, superficial misogynist twat. Change your boyfriend not yourself op, better still have some time on your own to learn to be happy in your own skin because you’re perfect just as you are, whatever you look like or wear. He needs to stop watching porn and realise that women aren’t fuck toys or accessories for men Angry

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 01/08/2019 09:32

You need to rid yourself of this hairy arsehole. Dump him.

HundredMilesAnHour · 01/08/2019 09:32

I think @Deathgrip answered everything perfectly. Well said!

He's shallow, superficial and wants to change you into someone shallow and superficial too. Unless your life's ambition is to be one of the cast of TOWIE, walk away now.

C0untDucku1a · 01/08/2019 09:33

He is trying to make you into his vision of what you should be.

Just move on. You arent compatible and youll Make yourself unhappy trying to go along with his controling ways.

MadameGazelleIsMyHomegirl · 01/08/2019 09:34

Op please listen. Every response on this thread has told you to run for the hills.

C0untDucku1a · 01/08/2019 09:35

I did Wonder for a momnet whether he might have a secret hankering to dress up as a woman...

fedup21 · 01/08/2019 09:35

Does he have a hairy arsehole? (misses the point of the thread)...

Bluntness100 · 01/08/2019 09:36

Jesus, why do you even need to ask. Bin that off. How shallow and friggen sexist is he. Really life's to short to deal with idiots like that.

And tell him you agree most women don't want a hairy arsehole. So he can fuck off. Problem solved.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 01/08/2019 09:36

Tell him to bring his make up to the beach. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

I’d just bin him. What gives him the right to speak like this? Hairy areas holes indeed, no doubt his is waxed and bleached. Offer to do it for him.

Makes me angry to even read what he’s saying to you. If you were my daughter l would probably suggest telling him to fuck off. How dare he say shite like this to you? You are worth so much more!

VenusTiger · 01/08/2019 09:37

Do you think you could feel the same towards him? Do you think you would ever start saying, right, you don’t look anything like Brad Pitt, but I’m going o do something about that, starting with.....

Come on OP, he’s changing the real you to suit himself. So it’s a lie. One day in years to come you’ll suddenly realise wtf he’s been doing. You’ll be heavily pregnant and he’ll say you look fat, or you’ll be a brand new mom and he’ll be saying, you should lose the baby weight straight away etc.

GET.OUT.NOW.

Juells · 01/08/2019 09:38

Like this after five months? He's terribly controlling, leave before you get too entangled and your self-confidence is destroyed.

WWlOOlWW · 01/08/2019 09:38

Christ. If my new BF said anyone of those statements I'd bin him off.

Only thing you need to change is him.

Tumbleweedmoments · 01/08/2019 09:38

Just to clarify when I answer back or defend myself he says he’s trying to help me and is just saying these things because it’s what most women do. If I don’t accept that answer then most often he will stop speaking to me there and then and it can last for hours or days.

Sometimes I have thought maybe he is trying to help me for instance by offering to pay for a wax. But what happens is I am so on edge all the time that it feels like he means everything in a way to put me down, when in reality that’s probably not true.

OP posts:
dannydyerismydad · 01/08/2019 09:39

Watch I am Nicola on 4OD. You are not being sensitive. He is not accepting you for the way you are. This isn't going to get better or easier.

Skittlenommer · 01/08/2019 09:40

FUCK HIM OFF!! Angry

Who the fuck does he think he is!?

ShatnersWig · 01/08/2019 09:40

Then WHY THE FUCK are you with him if he makes you feel on edge all the time? He doesn't speak to you for hours or days?

Come on, give your head a wobble. You KNOW this is not a healthy relationship, this is NOT a good man. Everyone on this thread can see it from what you've already told us. It's unanimous that this guy is a wrong un. PLEASE tell us you are going to end it?

Tumbleweedmoments · 01/08/2019 09:40

Also just to add I usually wear a lot of make up (I love make up) but can also go days without it and don’t care if I’m at work or whatever. I just wear it if I have the time and can be bothered. But he knows I am into make up generally as I buy it and like trying new stuff. Maybe he thought I wasn’t making the effort for him as sometimes I will go all out with make up?!

Argh head spinning!

OP posts:
Ofallthebad · 01/08/2019 09:42

5 months! I missed that bit.
Bin him right off.
Bin him to fuck.
He’s an inadequate man.
And his bedroom skills sound lacking too.