Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

These things have happened. Am I being sensitive?

251 replies

Tumbleweedmoments · 01/08/2019 09:04

Not sure if I’m being too sensitive and reading in to things. My DP of 5 months has started saying the following things:

Am I going to get a fake tan for holiday? I’ve said no a few times as for me personally I just don’t like actually getting it done, although I get the effects can look good! It’s just not for me.

Am I going to get a full wax? I do have hair down there and maybe a little more than most but it’s not overgrown and I keep it trim! He’s offered to pay and brings it up every week or so.

He’s told me he doesn’t know any women who would want a hairy arsehole. He’s only ventured there a couple of times but there’s no way I would wax it! I’ve told him this.

Why don’t I wear heels to work? Apparently every woman does. I have heels in the office and sometimes wear them if I feel like it. I’ve explained I never wear them to commute as it’s painful.

Why don’t I have a particular type of handbag that all girls have? This I found strange and just told him I couldn’t afford it and the handbag I have is actually far nicer and more expensive (not that that maters!)

Once during sex he was slipping out as I was on the bed and he wasn’t. He kept pulling me into him to reposition while sighing and getting annoyed asking why I kept moving away. I wasn’t, it was just the bed. He then pulled out in a rage when I got upset and wouldn’t speak to me.

Went to the beach for the day last week and on the way back we stopped at a bar. As we pulled up he asked if I was putting any male up on. I said no as I hadn’t brought any with me to the beach. He shook his head and said I knew we were stopping on the way back and this is a nice place he wanted to take me (I had known we were stopping). In the past at uni I would definitely had taken my make up. These days I am less bothered (I wear it a lot but don’t feel the need on a beach day). Maybe I am losing myself and he has a point? I would never have done that years ago with any of my ex’s. Perhaps men don’t like it in general and it’s not misty my DP.

He can be really kind and generous. He’s not mean with money and does nice things like cooks a nice meal or little surprises here and there. It is confusing and leads me to feel it’s my fault he is like this. I am quite emotionally aware and so it is possible I am being really sensitive like he says I am. I do pick up on things and read into things. I don’t want to ruin a relationship because I’m not relaxed enough, I want to work on that if it’s not fault or I am partly to blame. Please don’t hold back in your opinions. I need to know if this is me and how I can change my mindset. Thank you.

OP posts:
Nautiloid · 01/08/2019 20:26

Oh God OP, get out NOW.

lilmishap · 01/08/2019 22:04

His offensive rude abusive bullshit is said in a reasonable voice because he thinks you are so dumb you won't recognise how bang out of order it is that some bloke you've known 5 months is dictating to you how to be the best you.

You don't take advice on being the happiest you from a rude fucked up man child who can't even do normal sex properly.
You tell rude fucked up man child that he is shit at being normal, shit at making you happy and is so utterly unacceptable to your taste you can't be seen with him.

Remember to inform him you won't tolerate weirdo stalker shit from an ex of only 5 months (REMIND YOURSELF that he is irrelevant as of hours ago as many times as you need)

Wish him better luck with his next relationship and his life as there's no need for both of you to be rude arseholes and then LEAVE

lilmishap · 01/08/2019 22:10

There's a bloke round every corner if you really want one, they're not all wanky, abusive, lazy, irresponsible or married, but some of them are.

Luckily there are many corners and there is no reason to tolerate this particular wanker any longer than you have

lilmishap · 01/08/2019 22:15

Are you gonna wax your arsehole.....Seriously NOBODY says that to another adult.
Another adults arsehole/hair ratio is none of your business even if you've been married Twenty years

Booksareforkids19 · 01/08/2019 22:34

Do not ever stay with someone who keeps on commenting on your appearance or pressures you to do certain things to yourself.
I don’t care how lovely or generous he is- he isn’t a good partner.
I can see if he jokes about it and you guys have that understanding, but he is making you feel insecure. Please don’t put up with his comments.

GhostRidersInDisguise · 02/08/2019 07:59

I suspect the 'mask is slipping' comment he has heard from another woman in his past. No way would he be showing this amount of self awareness but has been around this mulberry bush before and is quoting a previous GF that had the cop on to get rid of him.

OP when you next see himsay, "I've decided to get rid of the hairy asshole - you"

Juells · 02/08/2019 08:15

I suspect the 'mask is slipping' comment he has heard from another woman in his past.

I read that the opposite way - that he was accusing her of letting her mask slip by not hopping to it and doing everything he demanded. Abusers are expert at DARVO, they're born knowing how to do it.

Geogaddi · 02/08/2019 21:20

holy christicals LEAVE HIM! Or insist he gets his arsecrack waxed.

Rivkka · 02/08/2019 22:37

Just no. Leave him today.

Craftycorvid · 02/08/2019 22:43

Have not read the whole thread but I’m assuming most (if not all) responses suggest the only hairy asshole you need to worry about is the one currently trying to objectify and control you. Bin. Now. Not worth time, pain or effort.

VixenSixen · 02/08/2019 22:44

He sounds like he is trying to mould you into something you're not! He sounds controlling.....

I had a guy who asked me to wear fake tan, have my nails a certain way and would I wear this for him..... I politely put him back in his box and ended things shortly after.

You deserve better and you are not overreacting at all.

Winterlife · 02/08/2019 22:52

He is controlling, OP. It will get worse the longer you are with him.

You need to break up with him. Just tell him you are too different. Don’t point out his controlling behaviour, as he will hide it with his next victim. That is what you are-a victim.

PennyPitStop19 · 02/08/2019 23:13

Awful. It will
Only get worse.

IamtheOA · 02/08/2019 23:23

Hands up- who's ok with having a hairy arse hole....?

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/08/2019 00:16

You've posted about this before....why the fuck haven't you dumped this arsehole yet

Surely you realise you can do better than this?

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/08/2019 00:38

Why carry on sitting there being 'confused' and trying to understand while he rips your self esteem to pieces?

The thing is op after you look like a umpa lumpa with a waxed arsehole, platform stilletos and a micheal kors handbag the next set of ridiculous demands will come!!

You surely realise this!!!???

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 03/08/2019 00:42

The only good thing I read from this is that he is your DP and not your DH!

Likeazombi · 03/08/2019 01:12

He sounds quite shallow and unpleasant.
All women have the same handbag? Really? I can't say I really notice other women's bags unless they are particularly beautiful but I'm pretty sure they're not all the same.
You don't have to waste time and money on these things that you don't want or need, there are men out there that will be interested in you, love you and be proud to be seen with the person you already are.
There are men out there that are not so shallow as to care how much make up you wear..
You can find somebody more interesting, less shallow and kinder than this op, you deserve someone better.
You are enough as you are.

ponyprincess · 03/08/2019 05:45

I haven't RTFT but yes end this, it will not get better. My ex was just like this, about what to wear, how to look and oh yes he was just 'helping' or if nasty just 'joking' and I was ungrateful and too sensitive. Exactly the same comments about 'most women do this'. He did the silent trearment too. You have only wasted 5 months on him don't waste years like I did

Dieu · 03/08/2019 05:49

He is mega controlling OP, both with the sulks and laying out all these expectations. He's also a sexist twat.

Dump!

wtffgs · 03/08/2019 05:59

I do agree about the hairy arsehole ..... he is definitely one of those!

Good luck getting away from this bellend!

pebblemix · 03/08/2019 06:54

Dump. Immediately.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 03/08/2019 06:58

He's just a vile human being, get rid as quickly as possible. He's very controlling.

Do NOT get pregnant with him or he will ruin the rest of your life.

Then please do some work on your boundaries and expectations within a relationship, so you don't walk into another one like this.

Happyspud · 03/08/2019 06:58

Get out get out get out!

How can you not know all those things are utterly unacceptable from him?

RadioSpice · 03/08/2019 07:25

Leave him. If someone you're with makes you feel ugly/small/stupid etc, more often than not, it's time to go.