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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

These things have happened. Am I being sensitive?

251 replies

Tumbleweedmoments · 01/08/2019 09:04

Not sure if I’m being too sensitive and reading in to things. My DP of 5 months has started saying the following things:

Am I going to get a fake tan for holiday? I’ve said no a few times as for me personally I just don’t like actually getting it done, although I get the effects can look good! It’s just not for me.

Am I going to get a full wax? I do have hair down there and maybe a little more than most but it’s not overgrown and I keep it trim! He’s offered to pay and brings it up every week or so.

He’s told me he doesn’t know any women who would want a hairy arsehole. He’s only ventured there a couple of times but there’s no way I would wax it! I’ve told him this.

Why don’t I wear heels to work? Apparently every woman does. I have heels in the office and sometimes wear them if I feel like it. I’ve explained I never wear them to commute as it’s painful.

Why don’t I have a particular type of handbag that all girls have? This I found strange and just told him I couldn’t afford it and the handbag I have is actually far nicer and more expensive (not that that maters!)

Once during sex he was slipping out as I was on the bed and he wasn’t. He kept pulling me into him to reposition while sighing and getting annoyed asking why I kept moving away. I wasn’t, it was just the bed. He then pulled out in a rage when I got upset and wouldn’t speak to me.

Went to the beach for the day last week and on the way back we stopped at a bar. As we pulled up he asked if I was putting any male up on. I said no as I hadn’t brought any with me to the beach. He shook his head and said I knew we were stopping on the way back and this is a nice place he wanted to take me (I had known we were stopping). In the past at uni I would definitely had taken my make up. These days I am less bothered (I wear it a lot but don’t feel the need on a beach day). Maybe I am losing myself and he has a point? I would never have done that years ago with any of my ex’s. Perhaps men don’t like it in general and it’s not misty my DP.

He can be really kind and generous. He’s not mean with money and does nice things like cooks a nice meal or little surprises here and there. It is confusing and leads me to feel it’s my fault he is like this. I am quite emotionally aware and so it is possible I am being really sensitive like he says I am. I do pick up on things and read into things. I don’t want to ruin a relationship because I’m not relaxed enough, I want to work on that if it’s not fault or I am partly to blame. Please don’t hold back in your opinions. I need to know if this is me and how I can change my mindset. Thank you.

OP posts:
Skittlenommer · 01/08/2019 09:56

I don’t even own a handbag or a pair of heels and I certainly wouldn’t wax my fucking arsehole!!!!

“All women”... he’s talking out of his fucking arse the misogynistic dickhead!

mintandcoral · 01/08/2019 10:00

I don't normally comment on posts but I've logged on just to say that you have described one of my ex's - I literally could have written your post. He used to say virtually the same things. I could probably write a novel on what will happen next. It took a year but he turned into a controlling, abusive, vile man. It took me years to regain my self-esteem and start trusting people again. Men like this don't start off as monsters, in fact they are usually quite the opposite. The mask slips slowly over time. You are just starting to see a glimpse of what he is hiding! It is not your problem - it's all him. Please listen to everyone. Run. Run. Run !

Whatisthisfuckery · 01/08/2019 10:03

Yeah, same here, I don’t carry a handbag, ever; don’t wear heals; have never put makeup on, ever, don’t wax my arse or any other part of my body; and I would never wear fake tan.

He’s a twat. He knows fuck all about women, he just sees the women he wants to see as holes for him to fuck and a way to get off on looking good next to them. His dick ain’t that great is it? Cos that’s all he’s bothered about, and the only eye he sees women through is the one on his bellend.

Tumbleweedmoments · 01/08/2019 10:04

He actually did say the other day when I asked him why he was being so horrible ‘the mask is slipping.’

He was incredible for the first couple of months. Couldn’t have been nicer.

OP posts:
Howdoyousleep · 01/08/2019 10:05

Why has he chosen you if he wants a certain type of woman who lives up to his stupid ideals? He seems to think ‘every’ other woman is a certain way. Why isn’t he with one of them?

Skittlenommer · 01/08/2019 10:07

He said ‘The mask is slipping...”!

Fuck me that gave me chills!!

isthismylifenow · 01/08/2019 10:09

Of course I agree it needs to end

You as well as every single reply to your post says this.

Read your posts again. But read them as if you didn't write them. If it were another poster who wrote it, what would your response be?

I think he has already affected your self esteem OP. In 5 short months. Just think about if this were a year, or ten years down the line.

doodleygirl · 01/08/2019 10:10

OP please re read your post again. I really dont understand why you would think the way he is behaving is anything other than abusive. Why is your head spinning? You should be running so fast away from this man.
Perhaps you need to look into your own past relationships/upbringing to try and understand why you dont recognise what we can all see.
Maybe try the Freedom Programme.

Please get rid of him, it will only get worse.

BertrandRussell · 01/08/2019 10:12

Dump.

funnylittlefloozie · 01/08/2019 10:13

Im sure theres a lot for you to consider here, OP, the main one being that your "lovely" boyfriend isnt the man you thought he was.

Men like him choose lovely-looking young women because on one level they like the kudos of having a stunning girlfriend. At another, nastier, level though, they want to "teach her a lesson", show her she's not as good as she thinks she is, etc. My neice ran into one of these - she is a gorgeous girl, very fashionable, could quite easily be on the next series of Love Island or TOWIE... and her boyfriend kept subtly hinting that she wasnt good enough, or attractive enough, or fashionable enough. He basically broke her down, and i am certain it was because deep down he was intimidated by her looks, and resented her. Dont be my neice. Move on, and find a man who adores you just the way you are.

PLEASE tell me about the handbag, though Smile

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 01/08/2019 10:13

It sounds like he has certain expectations of femininity and you don't meet them.

I am quite sporty, have never owned a handbag, nor heels, wear trainers and very little make up. I briefly dated a guy who made me feel really shit about myself for this and would turn up having bought me expensive womanly gifts that really weren't me.

I realised the problem wasn't me but rather him and his expectations. I am now with a guy who couldn't give a shit about these things and it's far better.

isthismylifenow · 01/08/2019 10:14

He actually did say the other day when I asked him why he was being so horrible ‘the mask is slipping.’

Jesus wept. Today OP. Break it off TODAY.

I have been in this situation. For 20 years. PM me if you like, I will tell you about my hospital stay because of my mental breakdown and how in the past 3 years I have picked my self up from being destroyed.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 01/08/2019 10:16

It's not you, it's him! Everything you say he picks you up on is completely normal. I don't wear heels all the time as they hurt, some times I do, or don't wear makeup, arse hole and fanny waxing Hmm no chance!

As for him ignoring you, MAHOOSIVE red flag

fishonabicycle · 01/08/2019 10:17

My first ltb. Please don't stay with this man - your self esteem will gradually be eroded.

monsieurmarius · 01/08/2019 10:19

Sorry but this is frightening to read. Please take all these posts into account and get him out of your life ASAP.

"The mask is slipping" who tf does he think he is, the phantom of the bloody opera? Hmm

Scorpiovenus · 01/08/2019 10:21

hahaha is he a LEO?

LadyOfTheFlowers · 01/08/2019 10:21

Dick Turpin - stealing all her self worth in broad daylight

mintandcoral · 01/08/2019 10:25

and I bet when he does pay you compliments (which will be often at the moment still), they're often slightly backhanded and will leave you feeling more insecure. If he doesn't already, he will start openly comparing you to other girls soon and be saying things like 'why can't you be more like her? She does...?'

Benes · 01/08/2019 10:27

Sounds exactly like my ex husband. Apparently I had such potential but didn't make the most of myself and was lazy and greedy.

Seriously, run for the hills. He will erode your self esteem.

thisnamechanger · 01/08/2019 10:28

Grade A cunt behavior OP. Any one of these things would be a massive issue for me.

justthecat · 01/08/2019 10:28

He said the mask is slipping ? Even he agrees he’s a dickhead

BertrandRussell · 01/08/2019 10:29

Dump.

Flashesofrage · 01/08/2019 10:30

100% of this is him not you. 100%.

This is what coercive control and abuse looks like at the beginning. Chipping away at your confidence, at your perspective, at your self image, at your expectations. Shaming you into doing as he says and punishing you with silence when you dare to disagree at all.
You probably already learnt that it’s better to keep your complaints to yourself when he upsets you, as things will be even worse if you speak up.

It took me eight years to get away from my ex who was just like this.

I’m five years out and sometimes I still expect my husband to call me lazy and disgusting for forgetting to change the loo roll. I still fear being shamed for every minute detail of my body.

You don’t have to live like this for a single moment more. Flowers

pinkcosmos · 01/08/2019 10:32

God he sounds terrible. Does he want a doll or a companion? I'd tell him to fuck off personally.

If you start jumping through these hoops for him you'll lose yourself.

IncrediblySadToo · 01/08/2019 10:33

My DH would never comment on me not wearing make up because it’s my fucking face.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 best comment on MN today

Very funny but also very true

I’d also add ‘and because he doesn’t want his rearranged!!’

OP I get the worrying impression you’re just going to ignore the advice and keep making excuses for him.

I really hope you don’t and that you dump him because in a few months time you’ll be too grounded down to leave him & he’ll ramp up the control and it’ll become an abusuve relationship

Get out while you’re strong enough to do it

He’s not helping you, he’s doing the complete opposite

I agree it always seems more complicated when you’re in the relationship than from an outsiders point of view BUT it’s actually not if you choose to listen to the advice you’re being given

You sound great - he sounds like...well, a complete bastard who has kept the bask in for a few months that’s all

Any one of the things you described would have me binning him, letvsline all of them together.

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