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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me to tell him

171 replies

BourbonAndTea · 31/07/2019 13:18

Hi! Long term member but NC as my DP knows my username!

Lived with DP just over 6 years, had one holiday together in this time, he has days away, weekends away for golf occasionally, not loads though. My family live in another county so I sometimes go there for 3/4 nights, he might come and stay one night.

DP doesn't like beach holidays, I do, part of the reason we've not had one!

My mum has just called to say she wants to take me on holiday (she hasn't been away for years either!), leaving very end of August (great last minute deal). I have said I'd love to, but need to run it by DP first (of course!).

Question is, how do I word it? Can I just say: mum wants to take me on holiday in four weeks, is that Ok?

FWIW I'm 34, DP is 43 and gets on well with my mum!

We have friends who go away independently, that are married with kids and never bat an eye about it, and my DB and DSiL also go away separately (they have one DC), so it's not too unusual, is it?

We've no kids, just pets!

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 31/07/2019 13:29

"I am going away on a beach holiday with my mum" You're over thinking it. He goes away, now it's your turn!

Original poster
BourbonAndTea · 31/07/2019 13:34

Thank you, @loveyoutothemoon I'm an awful overthinker! I think it's just that it's such short notice that I'm more worried!!

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 31/07/2019 13:38

Are you a bit scared of him? Only it wouldn’t even occur to me to ask a partner if he was “okay” about me going for a short break with my mum (or anyone) at any notice. He goes away himself, you have no children or responsibilities, nothing is going to change about his life for the three or four days you aren’t there. As above, just inform him your mum has asked you away and tell him the dates.

Passmeabrew · 31/07/2019 13:39

Exactly what loveyoutothemoon said! Why is this even an issue? He doesn't like beach holidays, you do and have the chance to go on one so go!! He goes off doing his thing so you go do yours! Have fun!

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/07/2019 13:40

I mean, I might say “I assume we don’t have any other plans for those dates” - but that would entirely be a verbal courtesy because if you did I’m sure you’d have discussed them by now.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2019 13:41

I don't understand this either, there is something very wrong with your relationship

You just say, I'm off to x at the end of Aug for a week with mum. That's it. And he says whoop that's exciting. Or some such shit.

HollowTalk · 31/07/2019 13:44

Just say you're going on a beach holiday with your mum. Are you worried about telling him?

Original poster
BourbonAndTea · 31/07/2019 13:55

I'm not scared of him, no! But it's a two week break, which in the grand scheme of things is nothing, and I'm sure he wouldn't mind, I've just never had that kind of conversation before!

Thank you all though for making me see it is actually quite normal!

OP posts:
PorterBella · 31/07/2019 14:05

Don't ask, Op, just inform.
If you ask him he'll think you want his permission
and that could lead to misunderstanding and confusion.

Original poster
BourbonAndTea · 07/08/2019 13:03

So, I told him. And now he's not talking to me, said not to expect a warm welcome home as he'll be used to being on his own and that it would be good "for all parties" for me to go away.

I should reiterate, this is going away with my mum, not a group of friends!

Is he being a bit OTT/unreasonable?!

OP posts:
Parent999 · 07/08/2019 13:07

[Grabs megaphone]

ahem............ YES

Sparklfairy · 07/08/2019 13:13

He is a twat.

That is all.

Craptop · 07/08/2019 13:17

Wow, what a dick head. Is he jealous?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 07/08/2019 13:19

Yes. I think you knew he was going to be unreasonable because that's why you asked us about what would usually be a totally innocuous question.

Bobbins19 · 07/08/2019 13:21

Oh my word! What an arse! Like you say, your going on holiday with your mum for gods sake!

And what does "it would be good for all parties for you to go away"!!!

Sunandrainallconfusedhere · 07/08/2019 13:23

Tell him your would prefer to come back to an empty house than a warm welcome....

MarriedAndTired · 07/08/2019 13:25

In may i was on holiday with my mom and my sister, and my husband was at home, taking care of MY children, our animals and all..
And it was fantastic!!!
Your dp is a petty jealous ass!

LuckyLou7 · 07/08/2019 13:25

What on earth is his problem?
What a twat.
Have a fabulous holiday!

user1471504234 · 07/08/2019 13:26

Don’t fall for his attempts to manipulate you. He clearly wants to make you stay at home with him instead. Go on your holiday and have a serious think about whether this relationship is one you really want.

AnneKipanki · 07/08/2019 13:26

That is not nice !

pog100 · 07/08/2019 13:28

Certainly good for you, to rethink your relationship. What does he expect from you? Is he used to you waiting on him hand and foot, sex on tap? Even leaving aside why he is upset, not talking to you is such a childish/abusive method of dealing with conflict I'd be leaving him for that alone. Seriously, OP, think about it.

newmomof1 · 07/08/2019 13:31

What a jealous child!

HypatiaCade · 07/08/2019 13:32

You should be able to say "mum wants to take me on holiday in four weeks, will the timing clash with anything?" and that's it. The fact that you think you have to ask permission I think signals just how controlling he has become in the relationship.

His actual response to you asking to go is one which should have you rethinking your relationship. A response such as "I'll get used to being on my own and that it might be good "for all parties" for me to stay away, then" would be appropriate for the situation.

Bananalanacake · 07/08/2019 13:36

I don't see what the problem is. he goes away for weekends so surely you can go away too. extra easy as you don't have kids to worry about.

Original poster
BourbonAndTea · 07/08/2019 13:40

He's just said:
"you go, it'll be good, probably become an annual thing. I'll take a week off work and do things with the dog. I can't go because I have DDog, commitments, you go. I'm happy for you to go, but don't get cross if you can't get hold of me sometimes".

We also have guinea pigs, they're 'mine' but live of course in 'our' house. He's asked me to get boarding for them.

Regards the don't get cross if you can't get hold of me comment; we'd lived together about a year and I went to London for 2 nights with my mum, tried calling to let him know I was there, no answer for hours. Told me he was playing golf but was really round his exes having tea. I was so angry. He still uses this as a veiled threat against me.

Is it really, honestly normal for couples who live together to holiday apart? I wouldn't have a problem with him going, particularly with family. He seems to hate the idea but knows he can't outright say it.

OP posts: