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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me to tell him

171 replies

BourbonAndTea · 31/07/2019 13:18

Hi! Long term member but NC as my DP knows my username!

Lived with DP just over 6 years, had one holiday together in this time, he has days away, weekends away for golf occasionally, not loads though. My family live in another county so I sometimes go there for 3/4 nights, he might come and stay one night.

DP doesn't like beach holidays, I do, part of the reason we've not had one!

My mum has just called to say she wants to take me on holiday (she hasn't been away for years either!), leaving very end of August (great last minute deal). I have said I'd love to, but need to run it by DP first (of course!).

Question is, how do I word it? Can I just say: mum wants to take me on holiday in four weeks, is that Ok?

FWIW I'm 34, DP is 43 and gets on well with my mum!

We have friends who go away independently, that are married with kids and never bat an eye about it, and my DB and DSiL also go away separately (they have one DC), so it's not too unusual, is it?

We've no kids, just pets!

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/08/2019 14:53

It's not that he'll miss you - he'll miss having zero control over you. His silent treatments won't work if you're not there to witness the sulks. He won't like that.

Your mum is now in a difficult position. Why on earth did you tell her about his reaction?

Honestly OP this 'relationship' is all on his terms. Where are you in all the decisions? Don't be a bystander in your own life.

denirosknee · 07/08/2019 14:57

He's a sulky cunt and a controlling, passive aggressive pain in the arse.

Get a friend to look after the pigs, go on this holiday, and use the time away from him to consider whether you actually want to be in a relationship with someone who is, simply, such an arsehole.

You. Deserve. Better. Than. This. Fuckhead.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 07/08/2019 14:58

Passive aggressive controlling git. So it’s ok for him to go away golfing but not you?

Big baby. Trying to bully you into not going by telling you how he’ll react.

Sorry, op.

Book the hol with your mum and go. Have fun.

In what wats have you changed since being with him? You shouldn’t have to change in a loving relationship.

PicsInRed · 07/08/2019 14:59

He's controlling, abusive, isolating you. ⚠️

It's not a coincidence you had no friends - that will be exactly what attracted him to you. Less effort to isolate you - only 1 Mum to remove.

Get rid and do the Freedom Project. He's appalling and it's a worry that you thought YOURSELF unreasonable and didn't even realise what so many posters immediately saw, that you are afraid of him. You fear him for good reason, he's scary. Fear is you brain's way of attempting to make you flee him, which is precisely what you should do, with no forwarding address.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 07/08/2019 14:59

He gets funny when you work late or go to the gym???

Op, this not right at all. He sounds fucking awful.

Go on hol and use it as a chance to evaluate your relationship.

AHamsterOnAWheel · 07/08/2019 15:01

Well what a delight this guy is!! First class twat!
How dare he threaten to go an see his ex if you go on holiday with your mum! You should tell him to go back to her. He either doesn't trust you or he's up to no good (or both). This isn't healthy. Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with this controlling man-child??
So what if he will miss you?! My DH goes away on holiday with his friends and other trips with them. Yes I miss him but I also enjoy a bit of peace and time to myself. It's good to have time away from each other.
You absolutely should go and make sure you enjoy yourself.

ChuckleBuckles · 07/08/2019 15:02

"She doesn't seem to think he's being unreasonable, just that it's because he'll miss me.."

So the doormat behaviour is either genetic or learned behaviour, then.

OP you have bigger problems that a mardy grown man pouting, he is controlling, manipulating you and isolating you, and your own family are going along with it.

Book the holiday and don't come back would be my advice. You do not need his permission to go, the Facetime stuff is to check that you are with your mother because at the first sign of you going away he was tucking into cream cakes with his ex for "tea". He is projecting what he would do onto you.

showmethegin · 07/08/2019 15:06

If you don't go, this won't go away so it doesn't solve anything. It will get much worse because all it will tell him is that if he treats you badly and guilts you, you'll do whatever he wants. God know what the next thing is that you'll be expected

showmethegin · 07/08/2019 15:07

*be expected to do to keep him 'happy'. There's red flags all over this

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2019 15:08

Please do go on this holiday with your Mum and have a lovely time.

He's spend years conditioning you into doing what he wants, punishing you by being 'quiet' and 'off' when you don't.

He's a passive-aggressive arsehole, quite frankly.

Use the time away to consider what you actually get out of this relationship and whether or not you want it to continue.

Original poster
BourbonAndTea · 07/08/2019 15:12

Ok, so I told my mum because we talk about everything. And yes, you are all right, it is a learned behaviour. Her ex (they were together 23 years) is a narcissist, and still controls her to a degree.

It makes me sad to see that I'm in the same situation. Except they didn't live together and mum has her own property.

I know, I should just go. Tell him to crack on and deal with it, I'm not doing anything wrong or disloyal to him. He is just making me feel so bad for it.

I've given up holidays, working a job I loved and seeing my family as often as I should by moving to be with him. In the beginning it was my choice. He has always said he'll never leave this county. Hindsight is wonderful.

I hadn't realised how much it was getting to me until this.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 07/08/2019 15:21

Go on the holiday, your DP is being a selfish twat. How is it OK for him to go away but not you? He's an idiot and I think you need to be strong and go with your mum.

ChuckleBuckles · 07/08/2019 15:22

OP you are being emotionally manipulated by this man:

At the least please inform yourself to protect yourself, it will take a huge toll on your mental health in time; hellogiggles.com/love-sex/9-signs-youre-emotionally-manipulated-significant-other/

Please especially read on the silent treatment:
"More often than not, your master manipulator will also be very petty. They’ll intentionally not respond to your calls, text messages, emails, or other methods of communication, all in an effort to gain some control by making you wait, and planting seeds of doubt and uncertainty in your mind. It’s all just a game for them"

On staying in His home place:
"As human beings, we find comfort in the familiar, in our routines. But when someone is trying to manipulate you, they’ll try to take you out of your element. Think about your relationship: Do you exist in your partner’s world, but they don’t make an effort to be a part of yours? Do you only go to the places they want to, and only see their friends? If yes, this puts them in control."

About tea with the Ex:
"Someone who’s trying to manipulate you emotionally will almost never take responsibility for their actions. They’ll keep coming up with new ways to flip the blame and make it seem like something you did provided justification for their missteps."

EileenAlanna · 07/08/2019 15:26

Tell your mum to go ahead & book the holiday.
I suspect the reason he doesn't go away for longer than a weekend himself is that he doesn't want to risk you slipping the leash by having time alone to think over what exactly you're getting from this relationship - if anything.
Ignore his histrionics, happily make your plans to go, don't get drawn into his veiled threats etc.
You're a young woman with your whole life still ahead of you. Think long & hard whether you want to spend it with this controlling man with his unpleasantness if you stray from the path he's "allowing" you to have.

Jayaywhynot · 07/08/2019 15:31

My mum really wants to go away and has found a great deal but has no one to go with, she asked me if I'd like to, what do you think?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2019 15:33

It makes me sad to see that I'm in the same situation.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE. You have the choice to leave. I recommend you do.

anotheryearover · 07/08/2019 15:36

Please please go. You do have control over this situation, and over the rest of your life. Do not feel sad that you're in the same situation as her, just get yourself out of it.

pelirocco123 · 07/08/2019 15:37

Is it really, honestly normal for couples who live together to holiday apart? I wouldn't have a problem with him going, particularly with family. He seems to hate the idea but knows he can't outright say it.

Its not unusual to have a holiday apart , but I think the problem is that you don't have holidays together . A Partnership is where you compromise , you can easily have a holiday that will suit both of you . I suspect him saying he doesnt like beach holidays is an excuse for not holidaying with you

pelirocco123 · 07/08/2019 15:39

She doesn't seem to think he's being unreasonable, just that it's because he'll miss me..

Now I'm totally confused.

f it was because he would miss you , then he wouldnt go away with out you

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2019 15:42

Please just say yes to the holiday and worry about the fall-out when you come back to Mr Big Ol' Sulky Pants.

He'll make you feel bad now whether you go or not. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Just go and have fun!

HeyMonkey · 07/08/2019 15:44

He's a selfish bellend.

The correct answer from him would have been "Awesome, have a lovely time, I'll miss you!".

This would be a major red flag for me.

I've been away for weeks at a time whilst DP of 9 years has stayed home, and (apart from a stressed phone call about how to work the tumble drier, haha) he's always been fab about it and wishes me well.

ElizaDee · 07/08/2019 15:46

When I've been to my mums for a night or two and come back, he is really quiet with me, really off, and just says it's because he's been used to time on his own. It'll be even worse after two weeks...

Give him time on his own forever...

This does not sound healthy.

Butterflyone1 · 07/08/2019 15:47

Please book the damn holiday, realise you can have an amazing time without this controlling arse hole and leave his saggy arse when you come home!!

How dare he control you but sadly you are allowing this. You know it is wrong, only you can change things and the only way to change things is to leave him. He will not change EVER!

timeisnotaline · 07/08/2019 15:47

Go op. Please, lock it in and Just Go.
And think hard about the twatface you moved in with and gave up things for.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 07/08/2019 15:56

You've given up a lot for this guy - sounds like he's deliberately isolating you and punishing you for not doing what he wants. Sounds like you might have learned some things about relationships from your mum that are affecting you now and it might be good for you to read up on abusive relationships so you can recognise what's going on with your partner.

Please go on holiday with your mum and please do some serious thinking about your relationship with this twat while you're gone.

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