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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me to tell him

171 replies

BourbonAndTea · 31/07/2019 13:18

Hi! Long term member but NC as my DP knows my username!

Lived with DP just over 6 years, had one holiday together in this time, he has days away, weekends away for golf occasionally, not loads though. My family live in another county so I sometimes go there for 3/4 nights, he might come and stay one night.

DP doesn't like beach holidays, I do, part of the reason we've not had one!

My mum has just called to say she wants to take me on holiday (she hasn't been away for years either!), leaving very end of August (great last minute deal). I have said I'd love to, but need to run it by DP first (of course!).

Question is, how do I word it? Can I just say: mum wants to take me on holiday in four weeks, is that Ok?

FWIW I'm 34, DP is 43 and gets on well with my mum!

We have friends who go away independently, that are married with kids and never bat an eye about it, and my DB and DSiL also go away separately (they have one DC), so it's not too unusual, is it?

We've no kids, just pets!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2019 13:41

What does he mean it will be good for all parties for you to go away?

Yes he is utterly unreasonable. You're not asking him to book two weeks off work to look after the kids whilst you go to Ibiza on an 18-30 holiday. You don't have joint holidays so it's not like you're compromising time off together.

Go.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2019 13:42

cross post. He's being passive aggressive then.

Get friends to look after the small flurries, say OK dear and go. If you think he'd cheat on you for going away you have bigger issues than holidaying alone

QforCucumber · 07/08/2019 13:44

WTF? Not a normal reaction at all, and if I found that DH had been to an exes for tea while I was away then lied about it, it would be him doing the apologising. He's trying to make you feel guilty - 6 years you've been together? How much have you changed your life in that 6 years I wonder?

newmomof1 · 07/08/2019 13:45

Tell him he can put the dog in kennels every time he goes away Confused

He's being a massive cry baby.

If he's proven you can't trust him and now uses it to threaten you, id be reconsidering the relationship as a whole.

MarriedAndTired · 07/08/2019 13:46

Ofcourse it is normal. He does it himself, you say!
But his reaction is awfull. You dont have kids - i think you should leave. And have a lovely holiday FlowersWine

Peanutbuttericecream · 07/08/2019 13:47

Yes, don't ask FFS, just tell him. Enjoy yourselves.

doodleygirl · 07/08/2019 13:51

Sorry OP but I am going to shout:

ITS TOTALLY NORMAL FOR COUPLES TO HOLIDAY SEPERATELY.

What is not normal is his reaction and yours. This is not a healthy relationship to be in. He is punishing you for choosing to go by refusing to look after the guinea pigs and just be generally being a manipulative arse.

I would go on holiday with your mum and tell him to bugger off.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 07/08/2019 13:54

My DP goes on a trip away with friends at least once a year, sometimes twice - it’s a sporting thing rather than a holiday, but similar in that I don’t go. The only “condition” is that I get a bloody good present! I use it as an opportunity to eat all the food he doesn’t like, catch up with friends, and usually do a bit of a wardrobe clearout - I’m always really happy when he gets home, but I do enjoy it being just me and the cat for a week or so.

Original poster
BourbonAndTea · 07/08/2019 13:54

He has been away for golf, but not longer than a weekend. I always support this. And have always said if he wants to go on the longer breaks his golfing friends go on, he should . But he won't leave the dog for that long (he's old). That's his choice, but I'd fully support him.

It's really upset me to be honest. We live together, do everything together, so perhaps that's what he's finding hard?

Whenever we've talked about holidays in the past he's always said I should go with my mum because he can't at the moment. So now it's actually an option he's being like this over it.

I have given up a lot, and changed a lot, since moving in together, but I've never been down about it. I've just kind of accepted it as that's how our relationship is.

We'd be able to stay in touch of course, he even asked if my mum would be there to FaceTime! Of course!! I've never done anything to make him think I'm not where I say I am and with who, because I always am!

It's really made me miserable. I don't want to not go, but equally I don't want to live the next few weeks (and no doubt months after!) being given the cold shoulder or having it thrown back in my face!

OP posts:
BuddysMama · 07/08/2019 13:58

It's so normally for couples who live together to holiday apart! It's quite a common thing in my house (we do go together also though) it's good for us, I enjoy time with my friends/sisters/mum whoever and I miss him like mad, which in an odd way I kind of enjoy haha! But no please go on holiday with your mum and don't worry about him. If he really kicks up a drink then say fine, I won't go but I've booked me and you a lovely two week beach holiday instead...how nice (sickly sweet smile) hahaha you enjoy beach holidays and he doesn't, you'd have thought this was an ideal situation for both of you!!

WhiteVixen · 07/08/2019 14:00

I have given up a lot, and changed a lot, since moving in together, but I've never been down about it. I've just kind of accepted it as that's how our relationship is.

And what’s he given up or changed for you? He sounds like an arse.

RedWoollyHat · 07/08/2019 14:01

He's trying to make it so unpleasant and awkward for you going away with your mum that you never do it again. One of my oldest friends has a controlling partner. On the one occasion she came to see me for a weekend he kept texting asking her where things were in the house (tin opener, etc..) and calling to tell her he missed her and that the house seemed "empty". It's horrible behaviour actually. I see it as trying to clip your wings to keep you in a nasty little cage at home.

I predict if you do go away with your mum, he'll switch his phone off for long periods so you can't get hold of him. He'll do it for long enough that you'll worry. I hope I'm wrong about this, but it wouldn't surprise me.

sarah2903 · 07/08/2019 14:01

Oh wow. I go away every year with my mum for a week. DP totally fine with it! He sounds controlling...

Original poster
BourbonAndTea · 07/08/2019 14:05

God the more I read the more I can see how wrong it is that h'es being so off about it.

He said he's happy for me, but not happy for him of course because he's not going. He also said if he was all "Ah that's great you'll have a lovely time" and upbeat about it it would be fake and I'd see right through it.

It feels like he's trying to get me to say no. And then if I do he'll say it was my choice so I can't blame him for not going.

My mum wants to book it before it's gone. I want to say yes, but hate his reaction to it. He's not talking to me at the moment. Wouldn't surprise me if he calls my mum to ask her. He thinks we've been plotting it.

Even if I gave him a years notice I think he'd react the same way.

OP posts:
Original poster
BourbonAndTea · 07/08/2019 14:06

When I've been to my mums for a night or two and come back, he is really quiet with me, really off, and just says it's because he's been used to time on his own. It'll be even worse after two weeks...

OP posts:
anotheryearover · 07/08/2019 14:08

Totally normal. My DH goes say once a year for a week pursuing his hobby, plus various weekends/overnights. I've been on several short breaks with family or friends. It really shouldn't be a problem and his passive aggressive attitude towards this would have me thinking seriously about our future.
Add in to this the fact that he isn't interested in going on the same sort of holidays as you, and he's being utterly unreasonable. Show him the thread!

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 07/08/2019 14:08

Jesus - just go, and tell him not to be there when you get back. What a fucking child.

MarriedAndTired · 07/08/2019 14:09

Call your mom and book it. Now. Today. Let him sulk.

RedWoollyHat · 07/08/2019 14:09

"Even if I gave him a years notice I think he'd react the same way."

Yes he would. I REALLY hope you say yes to your mum. You'll have a lovely time. It's all kinds of wrong if you feel you can't do this. There is a lot wrong with your relationship if you can't do this without him "punishing you" with moodswings, the silent treatment, loaded comments about him being happy or not happy (this isn't about him - or shouldn't be).

Knittedfairies · 07/08/2019 14:09

Perhaps you could add up how many weekends he's spent golfing; you're just taking your breaks all in one go. Tell your mum to book it, go, and enjoy.

MumbleLumble · 07/08/2019 14:12

The fact you even had to post this question in the first place is very worrying. His reaction is worrying. Everything you've written since your op is worrying. He sounds very controlling and not very nice at all. Please go away with your mum and have a lovely time. While you're away have a good think about your relationship with this man.

anotheryearover · 07/08/2019 14:12

I also suspect that if you do go, he will deliberately be unavailable when you call him, just to try and make you feel bad/wonder what he's up to/ stress you out. Please book it. And once you're there, leave the ball in his court re contact, don't keep pussyfooting around him and worrying about how he's doing. Enjoy yourself!

showmethegin · 07/08/2019 14:13

You must go. You have my first ever LTB!

Today it's the holiday, what next? Making you feel bad about seeing your mates, so you feel guilty and don't go?

This is not normal behaviour. Someone that really loves you would not behave like this.

Starlight39 · 07/08/2019 14:17

Nothing wrong at all in holidaying apart. If you had 4 kids you were leaving with him or taking a little baby that he wasn't going to see for 2 weeks or you were using you whole holiday entitlement or budget for the year and he wanted a break with you, then he'd have a bit of a point. But even then there are ways of discussing it calmly and putting his side across and coming to a compromise.

He sounds passive agressive and controlling (especially to you going to your mum's for 2 days then him being off with you!).

You say you've given up a lot and changed a lot since you moved in - in what ways? I'd be thinking about whether you're having to give up and change too much for this man. What has he had to change/give up? Does he really want the best for you?

wildcherries · 07/08/2019 14:17

Go, Please go. Or he will do this every time you want to do something independently. He's a twat. Use the two weeks to think hard about what your life is going to be like long term with a man, who won't even take care of your animals, because he's in a sulk.

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