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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me to tell him

171 replies

BourbonAndTea · 31/07/2019 13:18

Hi! Long term member but NC as my DP knows my username!

Lived with DP just over 6 years, had one holiday together in this time, he has days away, weekends away for golf occasionally, not loads though. My family live in another county so I sometimes go there for 3/4 nights, he might come and stay one night.

DP doesn't like beach holidays, I do, part of the reason we've not had one!

My mum has just called to say she wants to take me on holiday (she hasn't been away for years either!), leaving very end of August (great last minute deal). I have said I'd love to, but need to run it by DP first (of course!).

Question is, how do I word it? Can I just say: mum wants to take me on holiday in four weeks, is that Ok?

FWIW I'm 34, DP is 43 and gets on well with my mum!

We have friends who go away independently, that are married with kids and never bat an eye about it, and my DB and DSiL also go away separately (they have one DC), so it's not too unusual, is it?

We've no kids, just pets!

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 07/08/2019 16:02

We don't holiday apart, we have limited annual leave from work and would rather spend the time together. However, I really don't like the sound of this man. He has suggested you holiday with your mum and goes away himself, but is punishing you for wanting to do so. You say he has also done this before and went to his exes to upset you. I would go on the holiday and spend your time assessing what you actually get out of this relation ship

QforCucumber · 07/08/2019 16:06

Here's the difference OP, DH and I have been together for 8 years. Have a 3 year old, I told DH last week that I'm going away for 4 nights next year for a friends big birthday - he said fab I can eat Pizza and not have you pick all the pepperoni off.

DH went away for a Week recently for a friends wedding (I had work stuff on) again, I loved staying up late on my own and I decorated the house without him complaining about the smell of paint.

However - we both miss each other and when either of us returns from these trips there's no guilt (other than making a point of the person coming back getting up with DS at 5am for a few days) We have lives outside of each other - and that's exactly what your OH has made you give up, slowly, without you realising it.

7yo7yo · 07/08/2019 16:14

Go and don’t come back.

Whatnotea · 07/08/2019 16:17

You don't ask, you tell him. Are you a grown up in a grown up relationship.

I am going away with my Mum on a beach holiday first week in Sept, I am very excited. Must go shopping....

Whatnotea · 07/08/2019 16:23

Just caught up with the thread.

You need to go on holiday and tell him to stop being a dick.
We have holiday's together & I often go away on my own because he doesn't want to do the things I want to do.

There is no future with someone who sulks about this type of thing.

Allinadaystwerk · 07/08/2019 16:36

he said fab I can eat Pizza and not have you pick all the pepperoni off.
^^this right here is relationship goals Grin

Each2TheirOwn · 07/08/2019 16:40

He sounds controlling, manipulative and extremely selfish. DO NOT miss out on precious time with your mum for this man child.

Go and have a lovely time together, it will also give you time to yourself to think about your relationship and whether it's really what you want. DO NOT sacrifice anymore of your life (jobs, family, etc.) for him or anyone else, you'll regret it in the long run.

Knackeredmommy · 07/08/2019 17:21

What a manipulative headfuck! Go on that holiday. Feeling anxious and compromising yourself so much for a relationship isn't right.

Horehound · 07/08/2019 17:27

I Guess you knew he'd react in this way because you started a thread asking how to have the conversation with him. That a weird in itself. Then his reaction is just ridiculous. What a pathetic man.

Have the holiday, id use it as time to move on from him.

Haffiana · 07/08/2019 17:31

OP, you need to open your eyes a bit at what is going on in your relationship. You are walking on eggshells. You are in an abusive relationship. Even this is a red flag:

Hi! Long term member but NC as my DP knows my username! smacks of control never mind his passive aggressive punishment of you for daring to not put him first . Does he read your posts on this forum?

OP, none of this is normal. You are a grown woman who has slowly twisted herself into something unrecognisable because she is trying to please an abusive partner. Please understand that a normal man (or woman) would be happy for your happiness. He has no interest in your happiness.

Please have a google for the Freedom Programme and sign up to the online course. You are in a controlling relationship and it will help open your eyes.

minmooch · 07/08/2019 17:41

Please go Op. it is totally normal for partners to holiday separately even if they live together.

I'm off to Morocco with a girlfriend for a week in October. I didn't ask permission to go, just checked we had nothing already planned. Booked it and then told him. He is delighted for me. It's somewhere also he doesn't want to go so is thrilled that I won't miss out on something that I want to do. This is normal behaviour.

Your dp is controlling and him not talking to you is abusive. I would reconsider this whole relationship if I were you.

ohfourfoxache · 07/08/2019 17:42

There are more red flags here than at a communist rally

His reaction is shitty, and not normal

SavingSpaces2019 · 07/08/2019 18:11

You're in an abusive and controlling relationship OP.
He's managed to isolate you from your friends and support network and he's working on isolating you from your mum as well.
That's why he's accusing her of 'plotting'...yet again distorting the truth and turning something normal into an 'issue'.

He's also gaslighting you to fuck - no bloody wonder your head has been so fogged up that you can't think straight.
Him saying he wants you to spend ,more time with your mum is just words, so he can look like a decent man - whilst at the same time he's behaving like a dick so you will choose not to go.
It's all manipulation.

Lived with DP just over 6 years, had one holiday together in this time, he has days away, weekends away for golf occasionally
The worst is that you've spent 6 years of your life thinking this relationship is normal and healthy.
The fact is that he REFUSES to make any compromises/give up anything for this relationship to work - that's all on you.
He feels entitled to do go away as often as he pleases (how long for is irrelevant) and expects your support - yet refuses to support you in return and actively tries to sabotage your trip away with your mum.
In 6 years you've only had one holiday together as a couple - yet he's able to prioritise his golf trips etc.

not going on holiday is hurting yourself and your mum - and giving in to this bully.
your mum has stayed stuck in a toxic relationship - YOU don't have to

cheeserolls · 07/08/2019 18:12

My ex H was like this.

He was all encouraging and happy to take me to station / airport but was it was veiled with something sour and my return was not good.

Early on in the relationship I had a weekend away at an European city. I tried to message him whilst away, call etc but he didn't answer / reply. Reckoned he was asleep...
at that time I felt so bad I bought him tonnes of presents to ease my absence and return.

This subtle control continued for years until I'd had enough and left him. Now I'm watching him do it all again with a new girlfriend and I can't warn her obviously.

Shoxfordian · 07/08/2019 18:25

Break up with him
He sounds like he's a manipulative knob

RowingMermaid · 07/08/2019 19:22

This is so weird, do as I want otherwise I shall sulk like a child, not answer the phone to you and make you wait whilst I stamp my feet in frustration at not being in control of you when you are out of my sight.

It is very controlling behaviour. You need to really think about this relationship. Why doesn't he want you to enjoy yourself? Is he worried you will meet someone who isn't a complete twat and leave him? The whole visiting his ex whilst you were away is manipulative, look what happens when you leave me crap.

If you were my friend I would be very worried about you.

ConfCall · 07/08/2019 19:41

I could tell from your very first post that you were a bit afraid of him. It’s very sad.

Spotsandstars · 07/08/2019 19:44

So from your posts it comes across that he...

  1. Is controlling
  2. Manipulative
  3. Childish
  4. Likely to have cheated on you several times
  5. Is mean to you
  6. Finds it ok for him to go away but gives you the cold shoulder if you dare have your own life apart from him.
  7. Won't even look after your guinea pigs despite living in the same house as them and lets face it they don't require much work.
  8. He's an absolute idiot who you should definitely leave.
howdyalikemenow · 07/08/2019 21:55

Oh god it's so sad to see when the scales finally fall isn't it? I really feel for you op. Every single one of us who's been through this saw it as if it was lit up like a Christmas tree. And when I saw your update about your mum I was expecting that she'd been through similar.

It's like they have a bloody manual, these men.

I hope you go on your holiday, I really do.

Original poster
BourbonAndTea · 08/08/2019 10:00

Well, we had a huge row when I got in yesterday, and I left the house for two hours. We haven't spoken about it since.

I confronted him and told him I didn't appreciate his not-so-subtle threats about going off and being the old him (I assume he meant as in single). His ex doesn't threaten me anymore (I used to feel awful about it), she has remarried and I've met her three/four times in the last year (bumped into her while out). If he wanted to go back there that's his choice. It doesn't need me to be away for that to happen. He still contacts her as he wasn't surprised her arm was in a brace when we last saw her, some surgery three weeks ago. I haven't said anything but he knows I clocked it.

I haven't said yes to my mum yet, though I do really want to. I can't explain what is stopping me. I know how it will be when I'm away, I know how it will be when I get back. And I know if I give in now it will always be the same.

I just wanted him to be normal, and say great, have a brilliant time!

Feeling sad and disheartened today

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 08/08/2019 10:10

If you do what you’ve always done (pacify him) then you’ll get what you’ve always got (him being an abusive thundercunt)

Assume that this time you don’t pacify him and you go.

So then there are 3 possible outcomes:
You go and his behaviour improves
You go and his behaviour gets worse - and you stay
You go and you get rid of him

user1471504234 · 08/08/2019 10:11

His control over you is what is stopping you saying yes to your mum.
Go on the holiday and think about ending your relationship.

Summerwellunderway · 08/08/2019 10:35

I went away with my aunt who had a medical condition, to a healing retreat. Def no holiday as I went as an additional carer.
Dh refused to collect me from the airport so my friend did. On getting in the house (late on and dc in bed) he proceeded to empty my cases and look through my underwear for signs I had been with another man.
In front of my friend.
Few weeks later he tried to throw me down stairs. During a heated row I rang the same friend on the sly, she heard the noise and rang 999.
Prob saved my life.
Get out op.
He is unhinged.

Knackeredmommy · 08/08/2019 10:44

But where will it stop? The more you give in the more he will demand of you. So much worry over a holiday with your mum? Stay with him if you want, but know that every time you want to do something without him he'll make you feel guilty until you end up not bothering and even that won't be enough. In the meanwhile he'll be doing whatever he likes never checking it with you.

Horehound · 08/08/2019 11:49

Urgh if you dont go his manipulation has worked. Please please please leave him.